Our Rainbow

Well, it only took me 6 weeks to post, but I'm sure you understand that I've been a bit busy.

My angel has a new baby sister!!

Macelyn Annalee was born on Sunday, April 19th at 3:16 pm. She weighed 7 lbs. 9 oz. and was 20 inches long. She is just beautiful and is truly our bright little rainbow.

Here's a few pictures of her. She's already growing SO fast!














Macelyn has brought a sweet peace to my soul and a joy to my heart that has been missing for a long while. I knew that having a new baby wouldn't completely take away the pain of losing Makelle. But what surprised me was how much more aware of my loss it made me.

Makelle left a gaping hole in my heart, and that hole has become much clearer to me since Macelyn was born. I see Macelyn with her brothers and sisters and the gap that Makelle left in our family is obvious.

Macelyn can't possibly fill the hole in my heart. But she is filling other holes that I didn't even know were there.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

I can't believe it's been a whole year. One year ago today our sweet angel girl was born into the loving arms of her Father in Heaven.

Today was actually a very peaceful day. I'm so glad Makelle's first Angel Day fell on a Sunday.

We went to church this morning and I honestly don't think I've felt the spirit that strongly in a very long time. It was almost overwhelming. I felt like the all the testimonies shared in sacrament meeting were specifically for me. It was like the Lord was reaffirming everything I've learned, everything I've been holding onto for the past year, through the voices of those who bore their testimonies. One after the other, each person who got up to share their thoughts shared a small piece of what was in my heart. Messages of hope, of eternal families, of boundless love for our children, of faith and love for our Savior and His Atonement, and on and on. It was beautiful and amazing. I can't even put into words how it felt. I can't think of a time in my life when I've felt my Heavenly Father's love for me more deeply than I did today.

By the very end of Sacrament meeting, I couldn't ignore the Spirit any longer. So I decided to get up and share my thoughts and my own testimony as well. I can't even remember the last time I bore my testimony in church. But I knew I couldn't let this day go by without sharing my love for my Father in Heaven and thanking Him for everything he's given me this past year.

After church, we had a nice lunch and then the girls helped me bake a cake for Makelle. We normally talk about Makelle quite a bit. But today she was definitely the center of attention. I loved listening to my children talk about their sister like she was here with us (I'm sure she was!).

KC and I have been brain storming for the last few weeks, trying to decide what we could do as a family to celebrate and honor Makelle today. We wanted to come up with something that could become a tradition for our family, but that would be uplifting and fun for the kids too. A few days ago, we hit on the idea of planting something or making something for our yard. Spring has always been my favorite time of year. To me, Spring is the season of new life, the season of hope. So it made sense to honor Makelle each year with something that will symbolize that hope and beauty. This year we chose a beautiful little Heather plant.

So while the cake cooled, we all went outside and worked together to plant it. The kids each took turns digging and then helping to pack the soil back around our new little addition. They were so excited to be able to select and plant something special just for their baby sister.

Before dinner we all pitched in to decorate Makelle’s cake. Maegan wanted angels and hearts on it, but I’m not that talented with the frosting and I wanted the kids to do most of the work. So this is what they came up with.

The kids all decided that Makelle would absolutely love this cake.



For dinner, we made homemade pizzas. The kids love to roll out their own dough and top their pizzas with whatever they like. We laughed and had a great time making a big mess.

Before we could serve the cake, everyone insisted that we sing Happy Birthday to Makelle. Then the kids all blew out her candle together.

I couldn't have asked for a better Birthday for my angel girl. I look forward to continuing our traditions year after year. I know that Makelle was with us in spirit and I'm so grateful for the peace and joy I felt all around me today.

It was very nice to be remembered by so many wonderful, thoughtful friends, too. Thank you to everyone who sent emails, messages, thoughts and prayers for us today. I truly appreciate your love and friendship. And knowing that you will always remember my Makelle means the world to me.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl. We love you and miss you, but we have hope in knowing we will be with you again someday.

NEWS FLASH! It does NOT upset me to talk about my angel!

I just wanted to clear that up.

I could talk about Makelle all day and still have more to say. She's my daughter for goodness sake! What parent doesn't love to talk about their kids?!

What does upset me is when people act like she never existed. Especially when those people are my own family....

I'd better stop there before I say something I'll regret. I foresee a huge vent next week though.

On the flip side, a few very thoughtful people have mentioned Makelle to me this past week, and I wanted to thank each one of them. Today I even got flowers from a "mystery friend" and that just made my day. Thank you, whoever you are!!

My daughter was and is real. I held her perfect little body and I kissed her soft cheeks before I said good-bye to her. I look forward to the day when I can hold her again and have the opportunity to get to know her.

Until then, please let me share my memories of her with you. I know it might be uncomfortable for some of you. But if you are truly my friend, you'll look past that discomfort and let me talk about my baby.

I probably won't cry.

But if I do, I promise they will be tears of joy in knowing that you care.

Pay it Forward

So this is how it works: The first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive a handmade gift from me during this year. When and what will be a surprise.

There's a small catch... You knew there would be, didn't you? Post this on your blog then come back and leave a comment, telling me you're in. Fun, huh? Remember, only the first 3 comments receive a gift. Give it a try!

The Not-So-Secret Surprise Baby Shower

Update 2/11/09 - I called off the whole thing... coupon class, baby shower and all. I've been super sick with a horrible cough and cold so at least I had a valid excuse. KC is going to talk to his mom about postponing the shower until after the baby is born. Hopefully she'll understand.


Who wouldn't love a surprise baby shower?!

ME!! That's who!

But that's exactly what I have in store for me this Saturday.

My MIL and three SIL's have been planning it... and doing a pretty poor job to tell the truth. They had a cover story of wanting me to teach them more about coupons, but after changing plans over and over I was starting to get frustrated. So I vented to KC a few too many times I guess, and he finally spilled the beans.

First of all, I hate a spoiled surprise. Second of all, I AM NOT READY FOR A BABY SHOWER! I'm just not.

I'm trying to see it from their side. They're excited. They know we don't have anything for this baby yet (except the diapers and a few outfits I mentioned in my last post). They want to help us. They want to celebrate.

But I'm not ready to celebrate yet. Put this baby screaming into my arms and I'll be all set to start celebrating. Right now, a baby shower just seems like the biggest JINX of them all.

Please don't get me wrong. I am so anxious for this baby. And at times I do feel a bit excited. But I am still scared. Very scared.

I'm just not ready to see "baby gear" staring at me every day when I still wonder contstantly if this baby will live or not. I had planned to wait until about 2 weeks before I'm due before we even go and buy a carseat!

I probably sound horribly ungrateful. I'm not trying to be. I think the combination of hormones, a horrible cold, and Makelle's one year Angel Birthday right around the corner are all really getting to me.

< sigh >


OK, switching gears...

I've been told I need to post a belly picture on my blog. I've been trying to get it up all week, but my camera wasn't cooperating. So here it is, finally... my 28 week belly.

A Huge Leap of Faith

Who would have thought that buying diapers would be taking a leap of faith? Well, for me it most definitely was!

But being the bargain shopper that I am, I couldn't pass up the deal Albertson's had a couple of weeks ago. Three jumbo size packs of Pampers for less than $5 (plus tax)!! Not $5 each... that's $5 total! Let's just say I stocked up in a BIG way. I really hope I didn't jinx myself.

I've bought a few outfits for this baby too. I keep finding such good clearance deals! But each time I buy something, I tell myself it's for someone else. They're baby shower gifts. It's always good to keep a few on hand. Right?!

Honestly, I am feeling a little more hopeful each day. April is only 3 months away and I'm starting to feel like we might just make it this time! It definitely feels good to be past the point we lost Makelle, and now past when Maegan was born. But there is always that lingering fear.

We had a good doctor's appointment yesterday. I'm a little bummed because I have to start seeing a new OB. My OB has been just wonderful through both my pregnancy and loss of Makelle, and now this pregnancy. She has given me all the extra TLC I needed and I'm going to miss seeing her at my appointments. Unfortunately, she was put on bed rest last week so I had to switch. (I'm praying every day for her twins to stay put a few weeks more!) My new doctor seems very nice though, so hopefully it will all work out.

I have to say, I never get tired of seeing this little one on an ultrasound. She is such a cute little character already! Yesterday, she had her foot up by her face and she kept opening her mouth like she just wanted so badly to eat those little toes. What a cutie! We didn't get a picture of it, but we did catch it on video. Here's a cute profile picture of our little princess though.



I'm actually feeling a bit excited about this baby today. Keep the prayers coming!