Capture Your Grief Day 3: In Honor

October 3, 2015 by Missing Noah

He was supposed to be my miracle baby. After needing fertility drugs with Owen, he was happily conceived with minimal assistance. My initial beta numbers were great. I was so afraid when I got sick. Afraid that my body would choose me over him. As I lost 4lbs a week and needed daily IV […]

18w, again

September 29, 2014 by Missing Noah

This picture was taken when I was exactly 18w pregnant with Noah. Exactly where I am now with Sam. It’s the last pregnancy picture where I was smiling. The next day we got Noah’s fatal diagnosis. The next picture was taken in the hospital, the morning of my induction. I didn’t think this picture would […]

Shanah Tovah and a reflection on Rosh Hashanah’s past.

September 25, 2014 by Missing Noah

Shanah Tovah to all my Jewish friends out there. I wish you all a sweet new year. May this year bring hope, love, and (for those of you wishing it) a baby. This is the 3rd time I have been pregnant on Rosh Hashanah. The first time, I was in the hospital. I was 33w5d […]

Please let the ending be different

September 21, 2014 by Missing Noah

342 days ago I was 17 weeks with Noah. Today I am 17 weeks with Sam. 342 days ago, the ultrasound tech said everything that she could see looked fine and to come back in 3 weeks. The next day we got a call from the specialist who reviewed the pictures saying he wasn’t so […]

Tomorrow

September 15, 2014 by Missing Noah

Tomorrow we have the first of 3 ultrasounds to look at the brain. To find out whether or not this baby has a chance at life. I’ve been counting down, but now I’m afraid to know. As long as I don’t know there is the possibility that he is ok.

Happy conception day Noah. Thanks for the balloons.

June 18, 2014 by Missing Noah

8 months ago yesterday we saw these hot air balloons out my hospital window while we were waiting for my induction to start. It was a moment of beauty in a very dark time. Since then hot air balloons have always reminded me of Noah, but I don’t think I’ve actually seen any flying. Until […]

It’s June again

June 2, 2014 by Missing Noah

It’s June again. Last year I was on CD3 of the cycle I got pregnant with Noah. I wasn’t expecting much – I’d only gotten my cycle back in March, and after it took so long with O and meds, I figured it would take a while. I ovulated on CD20 which was June 18th […]

The night before

May 3, 2014 by Missing Noah

Our next beta will be tomorrow. I told the doctor I would get the results myself, and that I wanted D to be here if they are bad. I’m preparing myself for this to be over. I have been clinging to hope. But I took a pregnancy test this afternoon. The only brand that has […]

The start of the 6 month milestones

April 2, 2014 by Missing Noah

Six months ago today I got the phone call that changed my life. I’d had an ultrasound the day before, had confirmation that we were having another boy, and was told everything was fine. We were told that some pictures were hard to get, so we should come back in 3 weeks. And then the […]

I never had pregnancy innocence

March 4, 2014 by Missing Noah

I think after T-TTC, you never really have pregnancy innocence. After you’ve used fertility drugs, and joined the message boards, you know what can go wrong. So you hold your breath against everyone else’s milestones of “when things went wrong.” And then sigh in relief that it didn’t happen to you. With my first pregnancy, […]