I'll be home for Christmas

Due to the stress and high demands of my job during the holidays, I won't be going to my parent's home for Christmas. This makes me sad. I couldn't listen to "I'll be Home for Christmas" for a while because in my mind, I wasn't going to be home.

I saw this a while back:

As a hopeless romantic, I want to embrace this. However, I struggle to accept this concept, especially around the holidays. I realize that marriage means leaving your parents (Genesis 2:24), but I struggle being away from Christmas for the holidays because I such fond memories of being with my family. Being married means a lot of adjustments and taking on new traditions.

I haven't made it home to California at all this year (yay for being poor newlyweds!). This would have also been my last chance to have Christmas in a house that I've know as home for 10 years. This would have also be the last chance I have to celebrate Christmas with my parents for 3 years.

As I sit here writing this post, I'm listening to Christmas and looked at my creche. Technically, Mary spent her first Christmas away from home as well. She too was away from her family and her conditions were far from comfortable.

I'm sure in a few years, these traditions will become my traditions. Until then, I'll keep adjusting and dreaming of being home for Christmas.

Good Friday

We love him, because he first loved us. 

-1 John 4:19 

I find it difficult to get out of bed when it's still dark outside and the person next to me is sound asleep. Still, I slowly pulled myself out of bed. I did not want to go to work today. I thought of the patients I would have to encounter.  I assessed the scratchiness of my sore throat and determined that I was not ill enough to call in sick. Then a charitable thought came into my mind as I made my way to the kitchen. This weekend was Easter and the 28 patients I worked with would have to spend this holiday away from home and their friends and families. I should try to make it as nice as I could.

I pulled a semi-wrinkled shirt from dryer. As I walked out of the kitchen, I looked at calendar. After dreamily looking at the turquoise water in the photograph of the Virgin Islands, I glanced down at today's date. Today was Good Friday, the day representing the Savior's crucifixion. As I went back into the bedroom, I found Nate lying in bed. The stress and frustration of Nate's unemployment crept up within me as well as my desire not to go to work. As my mind reflected back I thought back to the events of the sacred events that lead up to the day that we celebrate as Easter, I though about the Savior's hesitation (for lack of a better word) before he completed His work in Gethsemane as He said, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42).

Christmas is a very busy time for me at work. Two to three weeks before Christmas is an absolute dead sprint as we buy and wrap presents for 30 patients (some we won't even meet until after Christmas) and planning activities for the leading up to and on Christmas on top of everything else we have to do every week (progress notes, running and charting groups, one to one sessions with patients, planning and preparing for weekend activities, treatment plans, discharge interviews, etc.). While everything seem to run smoothly this year (a first for me), it left me burned out and drained. I couldn't seem to recuperate from Christmas.

For the past three months, I have been dealing with many of the sickest patients of my career. And these patients have not been  coming one at a time, they come in groups. As we help them to stabilize and return to the community, we get more patients replacing them that are just as sick or worse. I feel like I am competing in a triathlon that I haven't prepared for.

I kissed Nate good-bye and as I walked outside, the birds were chirping and the sky was a watercolor of blues, oranges, and pinks. Something I would have missed if I had called in sick. I listened to The Olive Press on my way to work.  I really enjoy how Truman G. Madsen was able to point out the symbolism of the Holy Land in relation to the Savior's teachings.

As I continued to think of the Atonement, I thought of the verse in Alma 7 "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people" (v.11). The Savior felt what I felt today. He has felt my frustration, apathy, and weariness. Shayne M. Bowen said, “as we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ” ("Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also", CR Oct 2012).  He too worked with people who were difficult and did not feel that they needed help. He even had those whom he loved and they loved Him sleep as He faced a difficult challenge (Matthew 25:40).

These past couple of months has made me appreciate what Easter represents. How grateful I am that we have a God whose plan included a Savior. "Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10). He is a Savior not saving us from our sins, but someone to save us from drowning as we go through the trials that refine us to become more like Him (Matthew 14:31, "How Firm a Foundation" v. 4-5).

Two songs relate how I feel about Easter this year:

Things I loved and didn't love about my wedding and advice for future brides

Things I loved

• Hair and make-up professionally done- I never really learned how to apply my make-up the right way. I am glad that I left it into the hands of a professional so I would feel more confident about how I looked in pictures.
• Flowers- I thought the florist that I hired did such a lovely job.
• The groom- I picked the right one for that day and everyday thereafter. :)
• The reception site- I loved that I got to have an outdoor reception with the option of being able to move indoors in case of bad weather.
• Bridesmaid's dresses: it turned out that all of my bridesmaids knew how to sew. My matron of honor opted to make a dress while my other two bridesmaids decided to make a skirt and wear a coordinated top. I thought they looked beautiful. I am glad they had the option to wear something that they felt confident in. 
• The dresses and accessories- I was able to wear my mother's wedding dress for the ceremony (which my grandmother made). For the ceremony, I wore my pearls which I had received for my 16th birthday, when I started dating and my adventure to find Nate began. On my bouquet I carried my other grandmother's pin. It was sweet to have something that belonged to her with me. My other dress, I also loved. It was expensive, but it was something that I had search for 15 years for. I also loved that I could say that I paid for it myself.
• Vendors- the florist delivered the flowers to the reception site and to the temple, the reception site set up the tables and chairs were set up, the caterer cooked and prepared to serve the food, and all my family had to set up were the details (at least to my knowledge).  I decided to invest money so that my family would be able to enjoy the day with me.
• The wedding night suite- Nate and I splurged and spent our wedding night at a fancy hotel (the rest of our honeymoon was spent at a friend's timeshare). It really was the perfect ending to that wonderful day.

Things I didn't love and would change

• Getting ready alone- I  had my nails done before I went down to Utah. It felt weird that I didn't have a friend, sister, or a mother with me at the salon. I invited my bridal party to come and get ready with me on my wedding day but because they were staying with relatives out of town, they felt it was too early for them to get up to Logan early (which is totally understandable). It just felt lonely and not as exciting.
•  My photos- I need to preface this. Part of this is my fault. I didn't send the list of photos that I wanted to the photographer until late the day before. I don't know if he got it or not, but there were shots that I wanted that were missing. For example, I asked for details of my dress. My favorite part of my dress was the detail on my train. There is not a single photo out of the 374 pictures taken at my wedding that shows that. However, I do have to say I was impressed with the color, lighting, and style of our wedding photographer and there are quite a few pictures that I really like.
• Get a real bustle- my dress came with a bustle built in, but the train was still long that it could still be easily trampled on. I ended carrying my train by putting my hand through the loop that is supposed to hook the train to the hanger when you put it in a garment bag. 
• Food- it was good, but not amazing. I wish I had the opportunity to sample the food before my wedding day.

Tips for future brides

•  Utilize the talents of friends and family- but don't abuse.
• Be specific in the list you give the photographer and get it to him/her early- I saw a bunch of pictures of pinterest that I wanted get something similar to. I though I was going to offend the photographer by asking him to copy someone else's work (since technically photographers are artists). Looking back on it, you're paying the photographer something in the 4 figure range, get the photos you want!! Show them examples and be specific. I think what happened was that the photographer saw my list and he thought he was getting what I asked for. Going back to the example the details of my dress. Looking back on it, the photographer got details of my dress, it was in a more artistic way and not all the details of the dress. Remember that they are photographers not mind readers.
• Take bridals with your groom- I tried to do that because there was a photographer whose work I loved, but could afford to have him cover my wedding. I tried to have him do my bridals but because of going to a conference for work (which happened to be on a cruise) and Hawaii that summer I was not on my boss' or my co-workers' best sides for missing so much work. So I couldn't go down to Utah on a day that worked for the photographer. In our wedding photos, Nate has a great smile for the group photos, but from the first individual photo, you can tell he's tired of smiling (we both kind of did. The pictures from our ring ceremony are well... we don't look ecstatic). I am still slightly debating whether or not to take "bridals" in the spring or one year anniversary.
• Celebrate with your bridal party before the wedding- My matron of honor tried to organize a get together the day before my wedding. With the bridal party spread out over a hundred miles the day before my wedding (and I, the bride, being on the outskirts of it) did not want to have to be driving so much right before my wedding when so many little details needed to be done. What was sad was that Kathy came out of California, Melissa from New York, and Katie drove over 2 hours to be there, I felt like I had hardly anytime to spend with my girls. 
• Go with the flow- our  guest started leaving before the fathers could give speeches and we could give our thank you speech. We'll never know what embarrassing stories our fathers would have shared. We didn't want to keep people so, we just said our good-byes and tried to fit in everything else (cutting cake, bouquet toss, and our big exit).
• You're wedding isn't going to be "perfect", but you will still love it and be perfect to you- I had been the girl who started looking at wedding dresses when she was 11. I had even gone and tried on wedding dresses long I got engaged, even long before I met Nate. I have hundred of pins on pinerest that are dedicated to all things wedding. I didn't have time to do all the little things I had seen and wanted to do. It's okay. I still loved my wedding and it was a wonderful day.

Even though there were things that I would change if I could do it over again, things that weren't done the way I had seen in my head or captured the way that I wanted it to, I still loved my wedding day. I was surrounded by the people I love and who helped me made me the woman I was that day.

Proposal: Origami Hearts, Parks, & a Cravat

It was around 6:30 pm on Friday, June 29. I had just gotten home from working a 10 hour day without a break and had ended my work day by taking patients from the adolescent pysch unit bowling. Needless to say, I was exhausted. I got a text from Nate asking what I was up to that night. I decided to be cheeky and told him I was going to wash my hair. Shortly after that, the door bell rang. My roommate Alicia had ordered a pizza and so I let her get the door. Instead of a pizza delivery man there was a GPS and a note folded into a heart (Nate gave me various origami pieces through out our courtship).  The note read:

This is the beginning of a great adventure for the both of us. Today I need you to find me somewhere around Pocatello by following the GPS I have given you along with clues I have left behind. I am sending you locations that have become dear to my heart, so at each destination look for the heart shaped clues. I will try to keep the clues close to where you stop your car. Best of luck, and I love you! Proceed to location 03 on the GPS favorites. Clue: The roots for my love run deep. P.S. Hurry, I am probably pacing nervously wherever I am if you can't find the clue you can always cheat and call me :P 

I had a feeling what was coming. I spent a little bit cleaning up, but tried not to take too long for Nate's sake. I jumped in my car and drove down the hill to a park by where both of us lived.

The second note read:

Welcome to Scarino Park! I came here to play a million times as a kid, but recently it has taken on new meaning. In this park we made a decision that starts my dream of living life along someone I love. That day {May 31, 2012} will always be in my memory as the one of the happiest I have ever had. Your destination is 06 on the GPS. You'll know it when you get there. Clue: I didn't need a SIGN to know the FIRST time you left my side you would also leave a HOLE in my heart. (Corny? You know you love it!)

 Nate didn't have the exact GPS location for this park and so it took me to an apartment complex which happened to be right across the street.

The note behind this sign read:

Ah, the old disc golf course. You had to see this one coming a mile away. I can't ever play without being reminded of our first "dates" (and the other boys you brought along.) {I brought along one boy and it was once} It was while playing that we really became friends and for me our friendship will always be the core our of relationship. I am lucky to have the privilege of walking through life with a friend like you. Your next destination is 04 on the GPS. Clue: I could sit here all day talking with you.

I knew the place where he was talking about, but had difficulty finding the note at the pavilion (I was looking on the poles and tables, not on the benches). I even asked two random girls that were hanging out at the parking lot if they had seen a red origami heart. I did try call him to cheat on the third clue, but apparently his phone didn't get service with where he was at. Part of our first date we went back to Nate's house for hot chocolate and tim tams, so I tried to call his mom to see if I was supposed to go up there. Finally, Nate got service and was able to call me and give me more of a direction. He tried to place the heart as close to where he remembered sitting (and if my memory is correct, he was right on).

The final note read:

Phew, that was a long drive from the last clue. {Note the sarcasm, it was really just up the street} It was here at booth barn field that we sat down and talked for the first time. You know the story here. It only took me four months from that time to "ask you out" and seven to actually ask you out. My admiration and love for you has grown leaps and bounds since then and we are still only at the beginning of love. I look forward to a lifetime of mistakes and growth but also happiness and joy. Your next destination is 09 on the GPS. From there turn left up City Creek Trail Road (the dirt road.) Stay on that road till you see my car on the left (marked as 02 on the GPS) Clue: I can't wait to see you there.

I didn't know if Nate and I were going to be hiking somewhere or not. As you can see in the last picture, I wasn't wearing the best shoes to go for a hike it. I texted Nate to see if I needed hiking boots and he told me that I didn't.

As was on this adventure I was listening to a mix of music by Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble, and similar artists. However, I kept going back to "The Way You Look Tonight" and "Moonlight Seranade" both by Frank Sinatra. I remember driving up into the hills and thinking how beautiful Pocatello looked (normally I don't like the way that it looks).

The sun was going to be setting soon and the evening light was rich and golden. There was a fork in the dirt road and neither one really went straight. I started to go down one of the dirt roads, second guessed myself, turned around and then headed back to the fork and headed down the other one. I called Nate again after being on the other road  for a while and it turned out it was the first round that I was suppose to go down. Unfortunately, there was no place to turn around and so I had to drive it in reverse a good 200 yards.

I was beginning to see parts of City Creek Trails that I recognized. There are these little areas along the trails where people have cut out some of the branches and bushes and you have this private alcove. I remember on a hike up there thinking it would be a perfect place for a picnic proposal. This isn't what Nate had in mind; it turned out to be much better.



I turned the corner and I saw this:

I started to laugh only because I did not expect him to do that. Nate usually teases me about liking what he called "bonnet books" (19th century romances).  I get out of the car and walk over to him.  As he pulls a read origami heart from his coat pocket and gets down on one knee he tells me, "I have one last heart to give you and it's mine if you will be my wife." He unfolds it and there is his grandma's engagement ring.

I start to cry and I said "Yes" and quoted the 2005 Pride & Prejudice by saying "Yes! A thousand times yes!"
Then we kissed and took pictures.

I then asked if he would dance with me. I rolled down the window of my car and played "The Way You Look Tonight" (since I knew I would never see him in that outfit again).

Forget the knight in shining armor, I prefer a gentleman wearing a cravat.

Engagement Photos: A few of my favorites

 Typical engagement

 

I liked the lighting on this one

 This was the only serious photo Rachel got of us because I ended up laughing before the picture was taken.

 Nate is really good at looking out into the distance. Perhaps this is because he had to admire me from afar for so long before he got the courage to ask me out.:)

 

Nate keeps threatening to make this his profile picture. We knew when Rachel liked a photo because she would have more options of the photo with different filters. This one had the most options. Nathan said she chose the right filter for this one. It certainly makes me look more creepy.

 

One thing I noticed as I looked through these photos was that I was laughing in a few of them. It just reminded me how lucky I was to be marrying a man who knew how to make me laugh.

We took a few pictures on a porch swing. When Nate put his arm around me he said, "I could stay like this forever." I'm glad, because that's where I intend to stay.

What She Did Right: Celebrate the Little Things

My fingers fumbled to find the cool steel doorknob. I walked over to the long two toned wooden conference table and placed on it two boxes of donuts with signs reading "Happy National Nurses Week! Thank you for all that you do!" One of the social workers on my treatment team later asked me if I had brought in the donuts. I replied in the affirmative. She said "That was nice of you."

I smiled back and said, "My mom taught me to celebrate the little things."

My mom had decorated our bright red Toyota Previa with streamers and a sign reading "Happy Summer" on one of the rear windows during the last week of school. She had the windows rolled down and ragtime music by Scott Joplin blared from the car's stereo. I remember going to the high school to pick up my siblings. Now, I can only imagine the mortification that they felt as they got into the mini van. As for my elementary school self,  I felt like a pageant queen on a float. I remember yelling "Happy Summer" and waving to girls that I knew as we drove by.

What She Did Right: Double the C, Double the S, and You'll Always Have Success.

Two lights above my mother's chair at the table were the only ones giving off light in the kitchen. Darkness lingered outside the bay window in our kitchen.  It was early one school morning.  I had procrastinated on yet another book report. I was supposed to do a puppet show based on a scene from The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle. I was simply planning on drawing figures, cutting them out, and attaching them to drinking straws with tape. For my extremely creative mother this wouldn't do. We used felt for clothing, popsicle sticks for the bodies, wooden balls for the heads, and fimo clay for the hair. She knew that if we put the puppets in the toaster oven the sticks would burn on the rack. So, instead she took a muffin tin and packed flour in each of the cups. She then put the puppets in the cups and the flour held them upright as she placed them in the oven.

What amazes me about this experience is that my mom was heading to Utah that morning. Which means she would have all the laundry done, dinner for the next several days planned and prepared, and usually cleaned the house right before she left. On top of all this, she had taken the time to help her daughter so that she could get a good grade on her sixth grade book report.

Sadly, this was not a one time occurrence.  I remember one Wednesday morning, in the spring of my eighth grade year, when I asked my mother to proofread my ten page report on Jane Austen 45 minutes before we were supposed to be out the door. There were countless other times that she helped me with school projects.

Why double the C, double the S, and you'll always have success? You're more likely to have success if someone else working along side you.