The Grieving of Mother’s Day

It’s been a minute.
It’s been over a year since a post.
So much is going on in the world right now with the pandemic.
We are isolated with self quarantining.
Some have families.
Some do not.
We all are not really ok, but are ok.

Today is Mother’s Day. This day hurts more than any other day in the entire year. Valentines used to be hard but I was able to learn how to accept all forms of love and now it’s not too bad. But Mother’s Day simply breaks my heart. And now matter how positive I try to be, I spend most of the day consumed with grief. I don’t think any amount of positive thinking will change this reality.
I realize I “mother” many... as a teacher I know I am influential in many young lives. But one thing I will never understand (simply because physically I am rapidly becoming too old to bear children) is the true love of a mother. So many of my friends have talked about holding a newborn infant to their chest and feeling an overwhelming and complete love. Expressing the sentiment that they thought what love was, but now (after becoming a mother) they really understand what love truly is. You know what I hear when people express that? That I, because of my circumstances that I didn’t choose, have no comprehension of what ‘love truly is’. And this makes me incredibly hurt and bitter.
I didn’t choose to be a 41 year old single, childless woman. Growing up I dreamed of days filled with kids activities, gathering around the dinner table, heartache of trying to figure out a child’s needs and wants, sacrificing sleep, enjoying cuddles and laughter. Growing up my biggest aspiration was to be a mother.
But time is a cruel mistress. I just never found anyone who loved me and chose me and I never found anyone to love or chose. (Not for lack of trying or wanting) and at this point in my life I feel that the reality is that my situation probably won’t change. I’ve had to accept the harsh reality that I will never know pregnancy with all of its experiences, I will never know what a child of mine would look like. Yes, I may get married, yes I may have step children, even grandchildren.
But, I... I will never know ‘true love’. Because, as many have expressed, true love only exists when someone becomes a mother.
So this is for all who empathize.
This is for those who will never know ‘true love’.
This is for our collective grief which is real and tangible and hard.
This is for lost dreams, hopes and realities.
This is for the forgotten few who spend this day alone.
So many grieve this day for a myriad of reasons that I’ve not touched on in this post.
I’m trying to be positive. But my heart is heavy and sad. The grief is real and tangible.
And so I grieve, tomorrow I’ll be fine, but today, I grieve.

Day to Day

I read recently that the reason time seems to speed up as you get older is because life becomes much more routine and mundane. Because, as adults, our life lacks the variety and excitement of our youth- therefore time seems to pass at a much quicker pace. (I would also venture to guess that it's just the busyness of life that rarely gives us time to stop and pause). We are always in pursuit of the next task, the next goal, the next adventure, the next...
I'm going to get a little self-reflective here. Two years ago I added graduate school to my toppling list of tasks. During that time I was constantly working on something. Even at Disneyland, I had to take a few hours and go back to the hotel and work on homework. When I started school- my brother said something that stuck with me (and I am paraphrasing here) he said that the time will pass and before you know it, the two years will be up and you'll have a Masters Degree. For some reason that thought gave me comfort as I pushed through not only school, but teaching, directing and working with professional boards. That year, my students were not the best and tried my patience at every turn. However, in the midst of all of it- I decided to lose weight. So, I joined Weight Watchers and lost 50 lbs in a year. I also decided to run a half marathon and so I did the day after my 39th birthday.
I've always been a go-go-go-go-go type of person. I have a friend who halfheartedly jokes that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't busy. That statement is pretty true for me.
I do a lot and it can be overwhelming. I allow myself at times to have what I call freak-out moments. These are moments where I look at the big picture of whatever I am working on and take on the enormity of the task. And then I step back and get to work on the day to day. I structure my life so that each day I set out to accomplish certain tasks and I make sure I do them before I go to bed. I think this is a good way of approaching things.
However, in the time since Grad School- I have just lost my passion and love and everything seems mundane. And, at times, I am gripped with a sense of loss and longing- always seeking the thing that will finally fill my soul.
While talking with my friend Amy yesterday about a personal issue that  I've been struggling with, she suggested I listen to an audio book called 10% Happier by Dan Harris. So, being the obedient friend that I am, I downloaded it on audible. In chapter three he says the following things quoting Eckhart Tolle , "We are obsessed with the past and the future at the expense of the present. We live, almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. We wax nostalgic for prior events during which we were doubtless ruminating or projecting. We cast forward to future events during which we will certainly be fantasizing." This quote hit me like a ton of bricks because it described me to a T. Especially in my recent years. Sure, I strive to live in the moment (One of those events was running the half because it was such a monumental feat for me- but a few months later when I ran a 10K, I was just waiting to be done and not enjoying it- instead focusing on the moments following the race.) Another example of this was my recent production of Tarzan. The kids were fantastic and I was really proud of the show that my team and I produced. But I didn't enjoy the process, I didn't enjoy the moment of working with the kids. It had nothing to do with them, just more to do with my state of mind. Sure, there were fleeting times, but overall I was just always so focused on the future or living in past experiences. Here I was, doing the exact thing I always wanted to do surrounded by amazing people and I was just feeling lost and empty. I remember right before opening stopping for a moment, full of regret that I hadn't enjoyed or appreciated the process more. But, it was too late.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a little bit of control freak. I honestly think this trait of mine stems from a few things: 1) Being a drama teacher and being the absolute authority and ruler of my domain. 2) Being single and not having anyone to check in with and probably a bit of my personality thrown in there for good measure. But this need to control often finds its way into other areas of my life. I feel uncomfortable if I am not in control of a situation and struggle with letting other people be and choose things that I deem not as important. This isn't a good thing. It's affected relationships and made me painfully insecure at times. It's hard for me.
This is the point where I am supposed to come to some monumental conclusion about life and living and being in the now. Well, I am not there yet. Instead, I hope by writing this that I can document some of my thoughts and continue on my journey. The truth is that I am having a hard time right now and I am striving to work through some of my issues. I don't know the answers yet.
But that's ok- One day at a time.
But I do know this, I want to be happier, I want to be in the moment. I want to enjoy the beautiful life I have.

Expectations

Expectation: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. “reality had not lived up to expectations”
It’s the morning of Christmas Eve and I’ve been up since 5:00 am. As per usual I’m scrolling Facebook and I’m reading posts about the Holidays, families, pregnancies, babies, engagements, wedding anniversaries, the Savior, wacky holiday parties and I am filled with many different thoughts and feelings.
In a week and a half I will be 40 years old. A year ago I was prepping to run a half marathon, and now I’ve gained almost 30 lbs and probably couldn’t run a mile- to be honest I’m disappointed in myself. I had come so far and made so many positive changes. But after the half was accomplished I sunk into a deep depression that has been hard to shake. But still, life marches on and this past year has been filled with beauty, wonderful moments and memories and plenty of hardship. (The most annoying thing about losing a lot of weight and then gaining some back is I really don’t have clothes that fit anymore because I gave them all away in good faith...) 
Anyway, back to Facebook- comparison always is a dangerous road to tread. Don’t get me wrong, my life is pretty sweet- but as I rapidly approach my birthday I am faced with the cold reality that I will never have children and will never be a mother. Now, you may feel the need to point out that I am still a maternal figure in many lives and I’m a dog mama and that I have much to contribute. I know all this and I’m grateful for these realities. But this morning I just need to mourn the loss of an expectation for my life. 
You know the phrase- I didn’t know what love and sacrifice was until I became a mother or motherhood is the highest calling or being a mom is what we are made to do or there is no more noble pursuit than motherhood... all of these wonderful sentiments hurt my heart. Because, you see there is extreme danger in a single story. Motherhood is amazing I’m sure, but it is not the highest and most noblest thing there is. It is simply a thing, a path that some choose, a path that some have thrust upon them and a path that will never belong to some regardless of the hours they spend pleading on their knees...
What’s my point in all this? I don’t know exactly. I guess it’s the fact that certain life experiences does not make a person better or more noble or more fulfilled than others. It’s just their path. I may never know what it’s like to sacrifice for my own child but you may never know what it’s like to create a product for hundreds of kids to shine, learn about themselves, discover talents and be successful. How is that less than? (And why do I feel like it is perceived as being less than?)
Anyway, sometimes expectations and reality clashing really hurt. I always try to make the best of my situation and be loving and teachable- but this morning, right now in this moment- I feel sad. Sad that I’ll never hold my own child in my arms. Sad that I will be 40 years old soon and my window to be a mom is almost closed. Sad that all the things that moms talk about will never be my reality (however I guess to put it into perspective, I will also not know all the stuff that really sucks)... I guess that’s the point, there are two sides to every situation- the beauty and the hardship. I always thought the day would come when I would meet the right guy for me and I would be able to have my own family with a husband and kids... and I still might, but the biological clock sure is ticking away. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...
Well, that’s enough of that- I just needed to allow myself to feel this sorrow.
Back to another matter at hand, my health. Like I said, I’ve gained almost 30lbs in the past year (10 of which have been in the past month) and I feel like a failure, especially with all my touting of running the half marathon and what I learned. Yes, I did accomplish a huge goal for myself, one that I am incredibly proud of. But then I struggled, hoo boy did I struggle. I justified choices and fell back into decades long habits and now I feel it in my almost 40 year old body. Why is it that 40 is considered over the hill? Ugh, so annoying- I remember being a teenager when my parents turned 40 and thinking that was soooooooooo sooooooooo old. It’s just feels like it’s this dark cloud looming over me.
So what now? Well, two days ago I spent about 45 minutes on the elliptical machine (mostly because I am in an Apple Watch activity challenge with my friend and he was getting dangerously close to getting a head of me for the week, so I had to get in a workout) and while I was working out, I had  some time to thing about my life. Regrets are hard because we can never get that time back. And yes, I ran a half marathon, and yes, afterward I’ve struggled and yes I am where I am right now. But what do I do next? As I was thinking, I thought about the word renaissance and how it means rebirth. I’ve decided going over the hill will mark the beginning of my renaissance. What is, is- what has been, was- but what will be is yet to be determined. Speaking of determination, I have no desire to buy new clothes, so for the next little while forgive me as my clothing is a little snug, but I am on my way to taking better care of myself.
I guess my point in all of this is that everyone, regardless of their circumstances, need to try to find joy in their journey. And that no story, no one, no situation is better or worse than anyone else’s. We are all just trying to make it, we all want to be loved and validated for who we are, and we need to extend that love and validation to everyone, especially those who don’t fit into societal or cultural boxes.  Heck, while we at it, we should also extend that love to those who are firmly rooted in the boxes, because they need that validation too.
Well, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and that we can all be a little more kind to everyone and especially to ourselves.

What I Wished I’d Known as a Single LDS Gal in my Twenties-

This morning I had the opportunity to do hair for my cute friend and former student Mara as she heads off to a day of wedding fun for her former mission companion. I got done pretty early and so we had a chance to chat and catch up. For Mara, she is in the thick of the years of Mormon weddings (especially in Utah) and it can be a hard time for the single girl. I remember being in my early twenties and just having a stock pile of wedding gifts in my bedroom for the receptions that seemed to happen every weekend. I remember going to the weddings and thinking what I would do differently. I remember judging the wedding dresses as I formulated the perfect dress in my mind. I remember the years passing and trends changing and weddings becoming less and the increase of baby showers, the divorces, the baptisms, the weddings of my “older” friends. I witnessed it all- and remained single.
One of the central tenents of the LDS faith is eternal families. Which is awesome and beautiful but isn’t always the reality for everyone. And when you don’t fit the ‘mold’ you can feel discouraged and like there is something wrong with you. Why does it seem like everyone around you finding their happy every after except you? It hurts and it’s hard- especially when in your heart you have the righteous desire to take that leap of faith into marriage. It can be hard to keep bitterness at bay and it is hard to not compare yourself to friends.
In January  I will celebrate my 40th birthday- never in a million years would I have thought I would still be single at this age. I’ve learned a few things over the past 20+ years of being a single LDS girl.
1-Don’t compare your timeline to anyone else
Look, it is so easy to compare yourself to everyone around you. Especially when they seem to be getting everything you want. It’s super hard and it sucks. But, guess what? There is no right time to do anything once you’re and adult. Growing up there are milestone ages (kindergarten at age 5, baptism at 8, young women’s at 12, dating at 16, graduation at 18, mission at 19...) but once you can rent a car at 25 (that’s when I officially call you an adult) you have run out of those specific milestones that are associated with age. At what age do you get married? Graduate college? Move away? Have babies? There is no set timeline, so don’t worry about it. Instead just set goals and work toward them. Don’t get stuck in the trap of comparison- you will always lose. I have learned that events in life happen when they are supposed to and I am so grateful. The experiences on my timeline have made me into the person I am today and I am pretty amazing.
2- Get an Education
First off- college is an incredible experience and I highly recommend it to everyone.  You learn so many important things about yourself and develop life skills that you will carry with you when you leave. You cultivate lasting relationships and friendships and you learn who you are. In addition, your mind is opened to so many possibilities as you pursue future goals. You have little control over your timeline for marriage, but you do have control over whether you get an education or not. You never know what the future may hold and you need an education. Plus, education opens your mind to new ideas and people and experiences and makes you feel less alone. Don’t pass up this opportunity.
3- Accept love as it is presented to you
This is something that I have recently adopted as one of my mantras. We live in a culture that idolizes romantic love. But when you are someone who lacks romantic love, you can feel broken and like you’re missing a basic need in life. It can be very lonely and desperate at times. I’ve gone years without romance in my life and it’s hard not to look at loving couples without envy. But this is what I’ve learned- again- don’t compare your experiences to anyone else’s. When you are around a loving couple (especially on their wedding day) just bask in the glory of love. It’s a celebration- so celebrate that you get to feel an extension of that love! Don’t be sad that it isn’t you- just be happy you get to be a part of it! It’s ok to feel that pang in your heart because you’re alone (that means your hope is still alive and that’s a good thing) but don’t focus on it- it does you no good.
Start looking for all the other ways you are loved and allow yourself to feel, embrace and accept that love. Over the years I have had many students who have loved me and I have loved them. I may not have my own children, but I have hundreds of students who have become like children to me and
who have grown my heart. Over the years I’ve celebrated with them, cried with them, counseled them, cheered with them and loved with them. I am abundantly blessed. I have two amazing dogs that provide me with a perfect love and companionship in my home. The love of a dog is definitely true love. :)
I have wonderful friends who are ALWAYS there for me and with whom I share many adventures.
I have an eclectic and beautiful family that love me unconditionally.
I have a loving Heavenly Father who has my back and a plan for me.
Love is all around me- I just need to open my eyes and bask in it.
4- Root your faith
This can be a rough one. As so much of the LDS faith is centered around families, sometimes not having a spouse or a family can make you feel like an outsider. I remember sitting in church, alone, and looking at all the families and just feeling sorry for myself. I went through a period of time where I questioned if I really wanted to keep going when I was consistently reminded of what I was lacking. There were a lot of hard years. But then I looked around me at the tapestry that is the members of the church and I realized that NO ONE fits the perfect mold. But we all have something to contribute. Right after I graduated from college, I was called to be Relief Society President in a newly formed singles ward. Shortly after being called, I was meeting with the bishopric and we discussed the focus of the ward. The bishop said that the focus should be getting people married and I, politely, disagreed. I told him marriage is inevitable for some because of the nature of the singles ward. Instead, I felt, the focus should be in building testimonies in our Savior. Because then- regardless of life circumstances- you will have that anchor that will carry you through.
Another thing I’ve learned on my journey is that faith is a personal thing. You will have many people in your life who will make different choices than you and you may find that your faith will change too. Just know that’s ok. Don’t judge others and their journey- instead love them and don’t judge them. But root yourself in what resonates for you.
For me. I realized the reason I go to church is to draw closer to my Savior which has nothing to do with my marital status. Once I let go of that comparison, I found my church attendance to be much more fulfilling and personal. As a single girl I have something of value to contribute.
5- Travel 
Take advantage of the opportunity to travel! Save your money and go and explore! Get outside of your bubble and talk to people from different walks of life. Experience new cultures and new places! The world is wide and full of beautiful things- go find them.
6- Take care of yourself 
Health is probably the most important thing in life. Get in the habit of exercising, making healthy eating choices. If you do, your future self will come back and high- five your present self. Health is a habit you cultivate. Make sure you develop good grooming habits,  Be your best self- keep learning and growing. Feed your body, mind and spirit.
7- Find your tribe
This one ties into accepting love as it is presented to you. But it bears repeating- as a single gal, you will be alone a lot. You will attend some events alone, go to the movies alone- sometimes travel alone. So find your tribe. Find the people who ‘get you'. Also, don't be afraid to add diversity to your tribe. Find people of different backgrounds and learn from them. Keep and open mind and heart and you will never truly be alone.
8- Breathe
Learn to love your life and just enjoy it. Take the steps each and every day to cultivate beauty and wonder. Feel the feels, enjoy the sunshine, remember who you are, don't compare and just breathe and be thankful you have the amazing opportunities that you have. And don't forget, there is nothing wrong with you- your life is your own and it is beautiful.

What I Learned From Running a Half Marathon

If you would have told me one year ago that I would be running the Disney World half marathon the day after my birthday, I would've told you that you were crazy. And yet, that's exactly what I did yesterday.

 

Right now I am waiting in the Orlando airport for my return trip home. On the way to the airport my friend Amy asked me what I learned from training for and running the half and if there was anything I would've done differently. As I pondered her question, I couldn't think of anything I would've done differently. I was scared out of my mind to do this race, but that fear propelled me forward. Almost every morning when the alarm went off at 4:30 I said the same thing to myself, "Well this half marathon isn't going to train itself." And then off to the gym I'd go. All I wanted was to finish the race and once I decided that was my goal, I took all the necessary steps to do everything I could to make sure my goal was in my reach. It stressed me out, and for the past month, it was my main focus as I amped up my workouts and restricted my diet to do one last effort to be in the best shape possible.

I'm glad I was scared, because that fear gave me the drive to train. I'm glad I took the time to prepare my body (even though I am super sore today). So what did I learn?

I am capable of more than I thought possible. Like I said earlier, if you had told me a year ago I would have done what I did I would've laughed. I've always been the fat girl with the great personality. Being placed in this box has plagued me my whole life. The chubby girl with the pretty face. Although I would try to get out of that box, I was trapped by my own self- imposed limitations. I remember looking at others and longing to be them sometimes, with their lean bodies. A year ago I took the reins of my health and joined Weight Watchers. It was not (and still isn't) easy- but then again, most things worth doing and having aren't easy. As I started to see success, I remembered a bucket list item that had been floating in the back of my head for years. I wanted to run the Disney World half marathon. It was a crazy idea for someone who had NEVER wanted to run. But for some reason, the thought and goal was there and seeemingly unachievable. I watched my friend Amy run some half marathons and I thought ok, now is the time. 9 months ago I registered and paid for the race. I remember looking at the run Disney website and being terrified. I watched a YouTube video of someone's highlights from the race and cried. Cried because I never thought I'd be able to be the person to do it, cried because I wanted to be the person to do it. So I signed up and subsequently freaked out. Then life happened- I had a crazy year- my house flooded- I was homeless and I earned my masters degree. But I persisted and did something I never dreamed I would actually be able to do. It's opened numerous doors and possibilities for me.

Preparation is the key. When when I decided to run the half, I found a 20 week training schedule online. Because it was 9 months away, at first I was half hearted with my training. But soon the time came where I was 20 weeks away and I knew it was now or never. (The 20 weeks also happened to be the first week of school). And so I got up almost every morning and worked out, I went for long distance runs on Saturday morning, I ran at the Olympic Oval and watched the speed skaters practice. I began to believe that I actually might be able to do this. I also had a horrible workout on Thanksgiving where I seriously doubted myself and my abilities. But, still, I persisted. I always tell my students that the most important thing they can do is prepare, that they have no control over the outcome. I realized that I may or may not finish the race- but that each day I would try to do everything in my power to prepare. That it wouldn't be perfect, but I would make sure I was prepared.

You don't have to be perfect to run the race. When I envisioned the people who would run the race, I pictured perfect athletes with toned bodies. I had been told that people of all different sizes and shapes and ages would be there but I didn't believe it. I was wrong. It was so heartening to me to see the diversity of the people running. Imperfection was everywhere and it was inspiring. People who I never would've pegged as runners crossed the finish line with me. It was awesome. Oftentimes we put off pursuing a goal because we aren't there yet (aka aren't perfect)- but it's ok to be imperfect and not be the ideal. Just do it anyway, just 'run the race' whatever your race may be. Just do it!

Change your life today. About a year and a half ago I was returning from a trip to Orlando and was in first class! I had some skymiles, so I decided to upgrade, mainly because I was afraid of traveling and being uncomfortable because I was so large. I knew that my body wouldn't be in someone's personal space if I was in first class. So, I settled in and pulled my tray table from the side and discovered it barely fit over my body. One breath and the tray would move- it broke my heart because I was sick of living this way and I wanted to make a change. I didn't know what to do started thinking of different options. I finally decided to start Weight Watchers with a new found determination. I shared each step of my journey on Instagram for accountability. And I learned that there is no perfect time to change your life, there is just today. If you want to make a change, create a plan and then do it.

Just keep going. Y'all, running a half marathon was HARD! During the first mile I was plagued with thoughts of self doubt as my freezing body (it was 35 degrees when the race started) and already I was in pain. But the adrenaline of the moment, plus the thousands or people kept me moving. Soon, I fell into a rhythm and watched the sun rise. I watched the miles tick by, I ran through the Magic Kingdom at Disneyworld! I received countless texts of encouragement from my dear friends. I listened to music that made my heart happy. I ran some of the race with Amy by my side. I felt lifted by all the onlookers and their words of encouragement. I started to marvel at what my body was capable of. Then as I passed mile 10, it started to get harder- especially struggled mile 11 & 12. My legs were burning, we were running up a freeway ramp and all I wanted to do was stop. But, I looked around me at all my fellow athletes and I just kept going, and going, and going. When I crossed the finish line it was incredibly surreal and emotional. I have no idea what my face looked like, but I'm sure it wasn't pretty. All those months of training, all those years of being the fat girl, all those times I doubted myself- that girl crossed the finish line of a freaking half marathon.

On No Particular Day in October

I used to be somewhat good at this whole blogging thing. Then life happened and my time was consumed with other endeavors. But I've missed having a space to write my story. I used to journal, but then this blog took that place.
It's Sunday morning and all is very quiet. The dogs are napping on the chair and I have laundry from yesterday that needs to be folded. It's 9:00 am and I am still in my pajamas. It's a little chilly outside, but looks like it's going to shape up to be a beautiful fall day.
I love perfect fall days with a slight chill in the air.
Life continues to be unexpected and yet the same.
Recently I graduated with my Master Degree in Arts Administration from SUU. It was quite the journey and I honestly don't know how I did it on top of everything else. There were times in the past two years where I was merely surviving because my stress level was so high. But I learned a lot about myself and my capabilities. I learned that anything can be accomplished if you just take it one step at a time. That I really can do anything I put my mind to.
This past year of teaching was a hard one. I had a particularly difficult group of kids. Super talented kids, but difficult. Don't get me wrong, as individuals they were lovely- but there was just something about having them work together that brought out their mean sides. As individuals, they were great, as a group they were toxic. And it didn't help that my stress level was always at it's maximum. I considered for a brief moment leaving the teaching profession. The day I was seriously contemplating it, I received three letters from three different former students who were LDS missionaries. In each letter, they expressed their appreciation and love for me as a teacher. So, I decided to stay in hopes that it would get better.
My group this year so far has been very different. They are less competitive and more cooperative and they are genuinely kind to each other. I am grateful.
Right now I am directing "Guys & Dolls" it's a fun show but not without its share of complications. I feel like I'm three steps behind myself in trying to make sure everything is up to my standard. Putting on a musical is a ton of work and it's hard to do it as a teacher because although I do have help, I don't really have a production team. I just have such a high standard for myself and my students. I know it will be great, it always is- I'm just about to enter into the thick of it when things get hard and complex and I get overwhelmed.
I am also training to run a half marathon at Disney World in January. This is crazy pants to me. But I am trying to apply the lessons learned in grad school and take it one step at a time. Sometimed when I'm running I feel like "I can't believe I'm doing this" and then I keep going with confidence and drive. Sometimes I feel like, "I CAN'T believe I'm doing this" and I struggle to take another step because it's just so hard. The hardest part is sometimes taking the first step.
I also recently had someone reenter my life out of the blue. This person used to mean the world to me  but then things abruptly ended. They say time heals all wounds and I think that is true to an extent. It's hard sometimes though because I am trying to create the new normal for us. He has changed a lot and is in a much better place than he was years ago. Before- our connection was full of high highs and low lows and now it is much more calm. It will be interesting to discover what will happen. I am grateful he came back, I am grateful he has had the courage to make amends, and forgiveness truly is such a powerful gift.
Love is an interesting bedfellow. Growing up I had a very limited view of love thinking it was only the love between husband and wife. Now, having never been married, I can't say my life has been devoid of love. Rather, it has been overflowing with love- it just looks different than what I thought it would be. I still wonder if I will ever find my 'happily ever after', and I wonder what it will look like. I wonder if I will ever get my "Mormon happy ending" complete with a temple wedding. That's all I ever really wanted. But, the older I get, the further away that dream goes. Not that I don't want that anymore, because I do, it's just more the accepting of what is rather than what I wish to be. Growing up there were specific things to check off as life milestones, but now there is a lot of grey areas as I discover my path as an adult. It's scary and exciting. And it's an adjustment. More than anything though, I am incredibly grateful for the love in my life and the people who share the journey with me. I am blessed beyond measure.
The dogs are still napping and I need to get ready for my day. I am going to try to get better at this blogging thing because I think it is important to chronicle my journey. If anything, it helps me remember.

The Flood ... aka My Stress Level Reaches its Maximum Level

So, I used to be a lot better at this blogging thing. And one of my goals is to post at least once a month- since this blog is really the only sort of journal that I have now. Anyway, the main reason I've been neglecting posting has been that my life has been taken over by Grad school. For the past two years I have been working toward my MA in Arts Administration at SUU and I graduate in a little less than a month! When I started the program, I was quite naive regarding how much stress I could handle, and I'll be honest- I think this past year I reached my highest level... There were many things (beyond grad school) that contributed to my stress- but for this post I am going to focus on how it all seemed to physically manifest in the form of a flood that devastated my home. Here's the story.
On May 10 I was visting with my students after school and I received a phone call from my neighbor Teri- I let it go to voicemail because I was visiting with the students. I then felt like I should listen to the message- so I did. "Kjersti this is Teri call me as soon as you can- Trent Peterson and the apartment above you are flooding and we need to see if yours is- so call me ASAP, bye." while sirens are blaring in the background I return her call and while on the phone she yells out- "Oh no, you have water coming out onto your patio"! I get off the phone and ask my former student Blake (who was visiting that day) if he's come with me to my house to help. As I rushed home all I could think about were my two dogs... I had no idea how long it had flooded, no idea if they were safe in their crate and my brain went to the worst case scenario. Luckily I live less than 10 min from work and I arrived and ran into my house with water pouring from light fixtures and heating vents with my dogs barking loudly in their crate. Fortunately they were fine and I had a neighbor take them outside.

In those first few moments I just wandered around my house not knowing what to do. My house was a little messy so I started cleaning a bit even though I knew it would be futile- but strangers and neighbors were coming in to help and I wanted my house to be clean. I called my Mom and texted the rest of my family to come help. Blake shortly arrived after me and began helping me. My friend and co-worker Maren also was immediately on hand to help. I was in a daze- the alarms, the flooding. It mostly hit the bathrooms, my bedroom and the kitchen more than the other rooms. It was crazy with water visible behind the paint on the walls- water coming from the ceiling and the carpet being soaked through. Everyone was asking me what I needed and I had no idea what to say. I felt like the world was swirling around me at a breakneck speed and I didn't know how to react. When my brother Ben arrived he took over and started moving my stuff into Maren's garage. I called the insurance to start a claim and they asked me to assess the damage... I had no idea.

I was overwhelmed with the whole situation and as the night came I just felt the weight of it all. At first I foolishly thought I could move into the guest room and stay home- I was wrong. That night I gathered a few personal items, my dogs and spent the night at my Mom's house. I couldn't find anyone to sub for my classes- so I went to work. I was exhausted and still in a daze from the whole situation. After work, I stopped by my house to clean up some more. In my bedroom I discovered my journal from college had been soaked through and a box of notes from students had been ruined. I sat on the soggy floor and debated what to throw away- what to try and salvage as my personal items and memories were ruined around me. I tried to stay upbeat (because really in circumstances you can't control there is no point in being negative, it doesn't do any good.) But inside I was really struggling, and overwhelmed. They had put black X's on all the walls that needed to be torn down. It felt a little violating- it was weird to see. Some of my personal items and furniture had been carelessly tossed aside with no regard. I do understand, however, that the first priority was to take care of and clean up the flood, but still it was hard to see.

Over the next few days I started to realize the gravity of the situation but did my best to remain optimistic- I was first told it would take a month to clean- then two (and now when I move back in, it will have been a total of 12 weeks...) I scrambled to pack stuff with the help of friends and family- I threw away junk and personal items... I worked with the insurance and literally watched my home be ripped apart around me. I never took a day off and continued my duties at school. At the beginning of June was my capstone project for Grad School and I had so much work to do- I didn't have time to worry about my house.

So, I moved to my parents with my dogs in tow. It took me a week to unpack because I had a hard time accepting that I would be homeless for awhile. Life continued to go on and I continued to process everything that had happened. The majority of my stuff was moved into storage and I took a few things with me to my Moms. Which leads me to now- my house, after multiple delays, should be finished this week.

Overall, I've done my best to just roll with the situation. And I've felt guilty over how hard it's been for me- telling myself to just get over it- at the end of the day I will have a beautiful new house with new appliances and I am sure I will enjoy it. But, I've needed to mourn and I've needed to feel how I feel. It does such a disservice to people when we tell them how they should or shouldn't feel. Processing through unexpected tragedy takes time. People just need someone to listen and be there, not make them feel like what they are going through is trivial and doesn't matter. It just makes things worse. Anyway, yes, I will have a beautiful new home- but the path to get there has been hard.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster... the hardest time for me was when I returned from Hawaii. I had been told I would probably move in right after the 4th of July- so I went on vacation expecting to move in when I got home. After Mom picked me up from the airport, we drove to my house to get my mail and check on the progress. I was exhausted after a red eye flight and was excited to gauge how soon it would be until I moved in. I was soon disappointed as it looked like all that had been done was primer on the walls... at that point I realized it wouldn't be anytime soon and it caused me to fall into a deep depression as I struggled with everything I was feeling. The stress from grad school, the lingering stress from the most dramatic (and not always in a good way) school year I had with my students, to trying to be healthy and not doing great because my structure was so disrupted... All while some people are being supportive while others are being unknowingly unkind and flippant about how I feel. I knew eventually I would be fine- but I just needed to process. I appreciate more than I can express those who just let me process and supported me and didn't make me feel bad and guilty for struggling with my situation.

It's ironic- this week is the UACTT conference and is the only event this summer that I couldn't adjust and it's happening exactly when my house will be finished. Oh well. My final walk through is scheduled for Friday when I get back from the conference and then the movers are scheduled to come on Saturday. Then I begin the processes of assessing and replacing my personal items that were affected by the flood. And then school starts. It will all be ok- I will have a beautiful new home- I will hopefully have a group of awesome students. I am grateful to my parents and everyone who has been there for me. I just hope I never have to go through something like this again.

Here's to the Ones Who Dream

This past year I had the least amount of blog posts in the history of my blog. This is due primarily to the fact that grad school has taken over a vast majority of my free time. But, on a happy note- I will be graduating in August!
I never did get around to writing about some big events from the past year- so if you'll indulge me- I will do here.
Last May I directed my seniors in "Into the Woods". At the time rehearsals were to begin, I felt like I was drowning. With spring break and state competition I realized we only had 5 weeks to put the show together and I felt it was impossible because of the adhd nature of the students. One day, I sat them down and told them we probably wouldn't be doing the show (even though I had already held auditions)- I just didn't see how it would be possible- given the time frame and difficulty of the show. I braced myself for negative backlash- but the opposite happened. The kids extended concern and love to me by saying- it's ok, you need to do what's best for you. I was flabbergasted and moved by their concern for me- so that night I vowed to do the show for them. I first cut off all my hair (to have more time in the morning) and then we got to work. It was hard. It was a ton of work. And it ended up being my love letter to them. I was so proud of them! They would be rehearsing while I was multitasking and working on grad school.

I bid a farewell to one of my favorite groups of students.

After that, I directed 1776 for Murray City. Over half the cast were former students from both Valley and Hunter. It was a lot of fun but a little too much for me as I was trudging through my accounting class for grad school. Ben (my brother) played John Adams and he was amazing.

I also welcomed a new addition to the family! Ben & Luana had another boy- Atticus!

In September I went back to Disney world for MICKEY'S NOT SO SCARY HALLOWEEN PARTY with Amy! Oh my goodness- it was wonderful and just the break I needed!

In the fall I started preparations for the musical Fiddler on the Roof. Casting the show was difficult because the two leads I wanted were teeny and I wasn't sure if it would be believable to the audience. But, I got an amazing piece of advice from a friend- she told me if you cast actors who are good, the audience will accept the world as you present it. So, I did and I am so glad I followed that piece of advice because the show ended up being darn near perfect. It was beautiful, humorous, touching, heart breaking and reached many people. Although I must admit- I felt a little more disconnected than normal, just because I was juggling so many things on my plate. This past semester was definitely the hardest for me. I was burnt out with school- overwhelmed with life- and just trying to stay afloat. But somehow I did it and I lived to tell the tale. (I'll have to do a more extensive Fiddler post soon.)

A side effect of grad school was an assignment I had to plan an event. So I decided to do a 20th anniversary reunion for the Fiddler cast from 1996. The highlight for me was having Aaron Barker (who played Tevye) come back and sing "Do You Love Me" for the old and current cast before the show started. It was simply a magical experience.

And now I sit here on the eve of going back to school both as a teacher and a student- about to start rehearsals for "The Crucible" - pondering the past year and looking forward to the new year.
And I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful.
Awhile ago I did a blog post checking in on different areas of my life- so I will do that again-
1- Career- My career is pretty much my life and for the most part I love it. The hard thing this past year with grad school is the fact that I feel like my teaching has suffered a bit. So I spent some time over winter break trying to get more organized. It is wonderful to have a career that challenges and inspires me. Also the fact that I get to rub shoulders with the most amazing teenagers in the world. They give me so much hope and love.

2- Emotional/ Spiritual Health- I'm good. My faith looks a little different than it did a few years ago but it still is one of my anchors. speaking of students, nothing has been more inspiring to me than watching my former students faithfully leave to serve missions. They remind me of a time when my life was less complex and my faith was stronger. They are such a strong example to me- probably more than they could ever fathom. They inspire me to be a better spiritual person. I am forever indebted to them for their examples to me. Another side effect of my insane schedule is that I am finding less joy in life because I just have so much on my plate- I am going to work on this.

3-Physical Health- Sigh. Not the best, but it will be better. Over the past few years I've embarked on many diets, but have lacked the stamina to stay the course. I was leaning toward gastric bypass because it seemed to be the only way to be successful (even though it just never sat well with me). It seemed like all my friends on FaceBook who had been successful at weight loss had the procedure. I messaged a friend who I was sure had gastric to ask her and she told me she had done Weight Watchers. Something inside me clicked and I spent a lot of time looking into how it could work with my crazy life and it can! For the first time in a long time I'm feeling optimistic. I even put a day one picture on Instagram. I almost didn't because I was scared, but decided to anyway. Here's to taking care of me!
It sucks being a fat person. It sucks when you don't quite fit into a chair, when your fat prevents you from sitting in some restaurant booths, when you find clothes to no longer fit, when you can't keep up physically with others. The time is now.

4-Finances- Besides the grad school debt I'm accumulating- things are good!
5-Relationships- HA! Maybe next year.

So there you have it. And here's to 2017!!

Oh and I still have the best dogs ever!

A Teacher

School has been in session for almost a month now and already I am up to my eyeballs with countless tasks to accomplish. But as I was sitting here after a productive rehearsal with my cast and a fun homecoming carnival with my students I need to express gratitude for what I am blessed to do. I know I often talk about how fortunate I am and how much I love being a theatre teacher. Honestly, the words aren't enough.
Every day I get to work with some of the most amazing individuals. Every day I am inspired and challenged by them. Every day I laugh with them and sometimes cry with them. They make me feel like I am a rock star and the funniest, most talented individual on the planet.
They share their dreams with me, their hopes, their fears, their problems. And I try to help them realize just how amazing they are. That they can achieve anything as long as they work hard and treat others with kindness.
Teachers get a lot of unnecessary abuse from public opinion and the legislature. The hours are long, the pay is minimal and the requirements are huge. It is hard to be a teacher for those reasons- the constant scrutiny and the undermining of the profession (although I challenge ANYONE who believes that we teach because we cannot do to spend a week as a teacher in a classroom, it will forever change your viewpoint). Even though it's a hard profession- I can't imagine doing anything else. I teach because I love.
It is the most magical thing in the world- to witness these kids learn lessons everyday that will help them become wonderful adults.
I am blessed beyond words.

Loving Other People's Kids

Here I sit at the beginning of another school year realizing that I never did quite blog about the amazing things that happened at the end of the year before my kids graduated. I always meant to, but with grad school and the numerous projects- time just slipped away. So this blog is the first with others to follow.

I'm not quite sure how to begin. Last year was one of the most difficult and amazing years of my life. I jumped into grad school with both feet without ever having planned for it and as a result, I had piled way too much on my plate. And these kids were my saving grace. I love them all so much. I truly think without them I wouldn't have survived. The kept me sane, loved me and made the year one I won't forget. I've never been blessed with my own children, and that has been hard. However, it is truly an amazing experience and privilege to love other people's kids. And these kids. These kids.

They are some of the finest people I know and I am simply in awe of their talent, compassion, work and spirit. Together we did the impossible.

The last blog I posted was about tour. Shortly after tour was the State Drama Competition and we were competing with the show "Hole in the Sky" which is about 9/11 and is told from the perspective of the people above impact in the first tower that was hit. I knew it would be a difficult piece but an life-changing experience for the kids. It was a rough go at first because it demanded so much of them emotionally. I remember one day when we were rehearsing in the little theatre (and set off the fire alarms when we opened the doors into the hall with our smoke machine) how proud I was of their work. I pushed and pushed and pushed and we ran together. I wouldn't accept mediocrity and they rose to the occasion. At State we won Best Ensemble. I love that. Ensemble work to me is the most important part of theatre. I couldn't think of a higher or more deserving compliment. The pictures speak for themselves- what I love most about these pictures is the facial expressions and energy from the kids. Enjoy "Hole in the Sky"-

Seriously though. How awesome is it that I get to be the person to help teach these kids empathy and what it means to be human. I hope you could feel some of the emotions in the pictures. I am in awe of what I get to do sometimes, it is difficult work, but the rewards dwarf the difficulties. Doing this show, with this group of kids is one of my most precious memories.
I am honored that I have the opportunity to love these kids.