[33:46]

assalamualaikum wbt,

what does it means to be conscious?

to be aware of your surroundings, and able to react and response to it?

to be able to express what is in your mind, the freedom to voice it, shout it out loud?

we may not be appreciative of what may seem to us now, a simple ability.

but to nearly half of my patients residing in this ward on the 7th floor, it is one ability that might, or might not grace them again…

how easy it is for Allah to take away that precious ability. the ability to look at your loved ones, talk to them, hold their hand. the ability to enjoy the beautiful scenery, listen to the melodious music, take a walk under the sun, breathing in the fresh air.

within seconds, Allah can put a stop to all of them, with… for example, a bleed in the brainstem.

and without warning too. or if there is some sort of headache beforehand, what could you do to stop the process?

and the next thing you know, the only air that you will be able to breath in would just be the one pumping from the ambu-bag, or the ventilator.

with that sort of time frame…within seconds…would we have time to make amends?

would we have time to pray that prayer that have already came on, but was delayed because we just have to find out what is going to happen to our favourite character in our favourite TV show?

would we have time to pay that zakat that is already due, but was delayed because we didn’t have time to calculate it properly and keeps delaying it and delaying it….

would we have time to repent for all those sins we may or may not have realized its existence, which we delayed because we thought there will still be time…still be time…

would we have time, within those seconds…to ensure our final resting place in Paradise?

would we dare to take that risk?

assalamualaikum wbt,

pernah tak terbayangkan apa agaknya perasaan Nabi Musa?

ketika baginda bersama-sama kaumnya melarikan diri setelah dikejar Fir’aun dan tenteranya?

tatkala di hadapannya cuma tinggal laut, dan dibelakangnya musuh yang tegar menginginkan kebinasaanya?

surah asy syu’ara’ telah mengabadikan keyakinannya…

sedangkan pengikutnya-pengikutnya sudah berputus asa.

Lalu (Fir’aun dan bala tenteranya) dapat menyusul mereka pada waktu matahari terbit. Maka ketika kedua golongan itu saling melihat, berkatalah pengikut-pengikut Musa, “Kita benar-benar akan tersusul.” Dia (Musa) menjawab, “Sekali-kali tidak akan (tersusul); sesungguhnya Tuhanku bersamaku, Dia akan memberi petunjuk kepadaku,” [asy Syu’ara’ 60-62)

dan kita tahu kisahnya selepas itu.

Lalu Kami wahyukan kepada Musa, “Pukullah laut itu dengan tongkatmu.” Maka terbelahlah lautan itu, dan setiap belahan seperti gunung yang besar. [asy Syua’ara’ 63]

Alangkah bahagianya jika kita punyai keyakinan serupa itu? Keyakinan yang terpahat teguh di dalam jiwa bahawa Allah bersama kita. Segala yang diperintahkan oleh Allah itu akan menjanjikan kejayaan. Mampu memberi jaminan keselamatan dan kesejahteraan dari segala apa bahaya dan kesusahan yang membelenggu kita pada hari ini.

Seperti mana Nabi Musa, ketika menghadapi laut itu. Secara logik akal, bagaimana sebatang tongkat mampu membelah laut? Namun Nabi Musa tidak mempersoalkan perintah Allah, malah dengan yakin menjalankan perintahnya walaupun pada pandangan mata atau akal lemah manusia, itu satu pekerjaan yang tidak masuk akal!

Tetapi kita mengetahui kesudahannya. Laut itu terbelah dengan perintah Allah. Nabi Musa dan kaumnya terselamat. Fir’aun dan bala tenteranya binasa. Jelas kini siapa yang berjaya?

Jadi bagaimana solat itu boleh membawa kejayaan? Bagaimana puasa, zakat, haji…bagaimana menjaga hubungan sesama manusia,bagaimana menutup aurat, bagaimana menyampaikan dakwah dan berjihad itu boleh membawa kejayaan?

Segalanya kerana ianya semua perintah dan jaminan dari Allah. Di situlah kejayaan menanti. Di situlah kemenangan sedia untuk dikecapi.

assalamualaikum wbt

sometimes i think i spend most of my time in the hospital.

for example this month, i think there was only 2 days, where i didn’t either wake up to go to the hospital, or wake up and i’m already in the hospital (oncall).

2 days!!! and this is already coming to the end of the month.

alhamdulillah i have a very understanding and patient other half.  he does the laundry, cleans the bathroom, vacuums the apartment. on top of that he doesn’t mind sending me to my study circles, and weekend programmes.

and he also said he loves my cooking eventhough i don’t think i’m that brilliant of a cook 🙂

so what is the point of this entry,  is it to say that working in malaysia is crazy or i am crazily in love with my other half?

maybe both 🙂

point is, no matter how crazy life is, we can always turn to Allah for help. and only He can make it easy for us.

being a doctor is challenging. being a wife is also challenging. being a muslim daie is even more challenging.

combine all 3?

only Allah can make ease, whatever that is difficult.

put trust in Allah!

assalamualaikum wbt,

we can never stop trying to improve ourselves.

but sometimes, there will be moments when you feel that you have reached your limit. or everything is just too overwhelming that you feel like giving up and just stop trying.

you might feel like letting it go. live as if you never knew about what you already knew. and pretend to go about happily, minding your own life and business, forgeting all about that you used to know before.

it is very tempting. especially when the circumstances around you does nothing but to push you away from that life, the life you came to know and learnt to love so much.

nevertheless…

it is a neverending struggle.

yes, we can always take the easy way out. to forget is not difficult. to ignore is easy.

but i made a vow to myself.

that i will never give up.

nor will i forget, or ignore, the things that i knew before.

i just have to keep on trying.

try and  try again to improve myself, to work harder, and maximise whatever Allah has given to me towards what is most pleasing to Him…

and pray that Allah will always be with me, and help me.

let’s never give up.

jalan ini memerlukan nafas yang panjang…

assalamualaikum wbt,

there are times in life when you find yourself on the other side of the window, or glass, or whatever you want to call it.

for example, today, you are the doctor, looking at the CT scan and then calmly explaining to the patient and the family, ” You need a surgery because there is a bleed in your brain and we need to do this to save your life.”

then you continue with the routine ie booking the surgery, theatre, ringing your boss, the anaest oncall etc etc

maybe it never really occurs to you that one day, sudddenly, you find the roles have been reversed, and now you are on the receiving end of the diagnosis.

” You have ectopic pregnancy and we need to do the surgery to save your life.”

suddenly you became the patient, its your hand  they put the identity tag on, set the IV line and took bloods from, as they hand you a pair of clean white theatre clothes and you wait in uncertainty for your turn for surgery to come (as there was only 1 emergency operating theatre running at one time…)

because you were used to be on the other receiving end, you know more or less how things work and hence made you realize, despite the doctors, your husband and family’s reassurance and support…

you only have Allah to turn for ultimate help.

only Allah knows exactly how devastated you are, how scared, how terrifying this whole episode is to you.

so you calm yourself down, over and over again reminding yourself, Allah is with you. there is no God but Allah. ultimately the surgeons have no power, the anaesthetist have no power. only Allah is All Powerful, and He is the One who will care for you when you are no longer conscious and at the mercy of the surgeons and anaesthetists.

(yes, this image is the closest of what it was like when i was being put to sleep! thanks google image)

makes you think sometimes. you are never at one place. roles can be reversed any time.

” Blessed is He in Whose hand is the dominion, and He is Able to do all things. Who has created death and life, that He may test you which of you is best in deed.” [al Mulk 1-2]

assalamualaikum wbt,

i have a new motto now.

” life is too short to be miserable”

sometimes we dwell too much on the half empty side of things, that we fail to see the half full side of it.

life in this world is really short. Allah reminded us umpteenth time in the Quran, our life in this world is not the ultimate.

He (Allah) will say : “What number of years did you stay on earth?”

They will say : ” We stayed a day or part of a day. Ask of those who keep account.”

He (Allah) will say : “You stayed not but a little, if you had only known!”

Surah Al Mu’minun (112-144)

initially i felt gutted being forced to go into neurosurgery. i have excluded surgery ages ago, and I have set my mind to specialise in medicine instead. so my plan was to work in the medical department while gaining the skills and experience while attempting the MRCP exams. so hopefully by the time i’ve finished with my compulsory service, I am sorted with all the exams while at the same time gaining the much needed skills and experience.

but life took a twist for something unexpected.

never in million years or my years in training (including medical school) that i imagine myself working in the neurosurgical department. me and CT brain does not click.

but here i am today, about 2 weeks into the job. i have to say it is not bad as i initially imagined it would be. i think its because the fact that the environment of the department itself-everyone, from consultant level to the nurses, are really great people to work with. the horror stories that i’ve heard about the working environment in malaysia where the only way to communicate with the junior doctors is by shouting to them, is not the culture in my department.

in short, its the best department to find my feet as a first timer in malaysia!2 thumbs up!

so this is what i meant on not to dwell too much on the negative side of things. yes, on one side, i might appear to be wasting my time working in a specialty that most probably i won’t be specialising in anyway, when most of my peers are already starting their masters program, well into their journey to specialize in a field of choice.

but on one side, i think, its not neccesary a waste of time yet. Allah knows what is best for me at this moment in time. being newly married, and not long after that being called for duty, i need time and space to adjust and learn and pick things up. and being in a supportive and friendly environment does really, really help.

so i am thankful, looking at the half full side of things.

taking one thing at a time. so what if i am oncall again tomorrow? the important thing is that today i am not, so make use of today, and don’t think too much about tomorrow….yet

and only to Allah that i ask to give and provide me with the strength and motivation to continue the fight!

assalamualaikum wbt,

sudah lama kita tidak berbicara tentang iman, islam dan perjuangan.

dalam kesibukan kita melalui detik-detik dalam kehidupan, kita tidak pernah boleh lupa itu!

hidup ini bukan sekadar seloka, yang dilalui sebagai rutin, akhirnya bernoktah jua.

tetapi hidup ini bertujuan, lengkap dengan petunjuk dan bimbingannya!

bekal kita ialah iman, petunjuk kita ialah islam, dan ruh kita adalah perjuangan.

kita tidak boleh menyerah kalah, walaupun arus yang cuba ditentang itu cukup deras.

harus terus ke depan, membawa risalah ini, meneruskan usaha ini.

tidak ada alasan untuk berhenti, tidak pernah ada.

dunia ini memerlukan kita, setelah lama bergelumang dalam kegelapan noda. mereka menantikan kita, pembawa cahaya-cahaya yang boleh menunjukkan jalan ke syurga.

apakah nasib mereka jika kita juga sama-sama leka? jika kita sama saja melepaskan tanggungjawab ini begitu saja?

kalaupun kita tidak hirau, lantak pi lah apa yang menimpa mereka, kerana mereka bukan saudara sedarah kita…

palitan noda itu akan lambat laun terkena juga pada kita, anak-anak dan cucu kita.

dan akhirnya mereka akan tetap menunding jari kepada kita, generasi yang kejam kerana tidak membuat usaha, membiarkan virus jahiliyyah ini untuk terus mengganas menyerang mereka.

mahukah?

assalamualaikum wbt,

coming to these few days, a lot of people whom i’ve encountered will ask me nearly the same question.

” How’s the preparations? ”

and i would almost always answer the question just the same.

” Still some stuff to do. It’s getting there. ”

i realized that time is moving very fast and it won’t be long before that day arrives.

my thoughts are akin to that of before my umrah trip just last year.

i’m looking forward for it, but at the same time, i feel that there is still so many things to do, so many things to prepare for before that day comes. and i’m not just referring to the technical bits, but mostly mentally, physically and emotionally as well.

and with each day that comes, I will put up a resolution what to do on that day. but how quickly the day moves along, before i come face to face with the next day. and the next.

i remembered that this was how it was, before i left for umrah. how i’ve planned to revise on all the rituals, all the seerah, all the background stories of each places of historical significance that i will encounter during my journey…

in the end, i was so busy with work and oncalls, that i have only, truly managed to sit down and browse through the books while in the train, going to the airport!

and i remembered how nervous i was. i always believed that Makkah is a very special place, and Allah chooses who He wants as His guests. although I might have already booked my holiday, booked my flight, have my things packed and ready, if Allah do not want to accept me as His guest, I will not be able to step foot on the blessed grounds of Makkah. it is only by His Mercy and Kindness that He make ease the journey of those He has chosen to come to Makkah.

we have heard stories of these, i think the latest one i heard was of my maid’s father who planned to perform hajj the previous year-he was all geared up and waiting at the airport when during the last minute, the flight was cancelled because of some unrest at the airport. and just like that, his plan of going to hajj that year was dashed.

i am not saying this as if, that i am judging people, ” oh, so-and-so are not accepted to be Allah’s guest this year because…”

no, not at all. this is just to remind us, and to remind us only, that at the end of the day, it is Allah who is the best of all planners. we can plan with such precision, but the end result is really Allah’s. if He doesn’t allow it, call every single human being on this planet to hatch a plan to go against it, and it will still not come true.

so that was what kept my mind occupied during the whole journey to the airport. the fact that I am indeed, under Allah’s power. i prayed and prayed that He will allow me to become His guest. i prayed and prayed that He will forgive and overlook my sins, and accept me to join His other servants in worshipping and glorifying Him in the blessed land.

i was nervous all throughout the journey, in the flight, and i was most nervous when we came to the immigration gate.

only when i stepped onto the grounds of Masjidil Haram, all the fear and nervousness, all the tiredness and weariness seemed to disappear. indeed Allah has answered my prayers. He has allowed me to come in, and be His guest!

i was so happy. actually seeing the Kaaba in front of me with my own eyes. actually being where Prophet Muhammad was born and lived. actually being in the land where the ‘action’ was-i was imagining reliving the seerah of the Prophet and his companions in front of my own eyes…

i wish i could write down the detail of every second i was there, so i could relive it time and time again. but the old enemy, oh procrastination has eluded me, so i am left with only snapshots of the memories. i will, i will try to reconnect the pieces. i hope to do so.

****

yes, the day is coming, and i  feel like how i did in the train, those few months ago.

the fact that i am indeed, and him, are under Allah’s power. yes, we have planned and planned, and we have come this far. but indeed, it is still back to Allah, only Allah knows and have power over all of us, indeed Allah’s plan is bigger than us all.

we can only turn to Allah, we can only pray and pray that He will forgive and overlook our sins, and accept our deeds, make ease for us and bless our life in this world and the hereafter. we can only pray and pray that He will give us the best outcome, that He will equip us with all the tools needed to embark on this long journey.

we do not know what lies ahead, we do not even know what is in store for us tomorrow, let alone next week, and the week after next, and the week after that and beyond. we could only pray that Allah will give us the best, and hope to fulfill our dreams and intentions which we made only for the sake of Allah. for there is no bigger and better dream than to gain Allah’s pleasure, which ultimately will lead us to His Paradise.

may Allah make ease for us what we find difficult and endure us with patience…

Assalamualaikum wbt,

talking is easy.

anybody can talk as long as they have a patent airway.

or intact neurological pathways.

hence, it is a useful clue, when assessing a patient, if the patient can talk, you can at least be relieved that you don’t need help to secure his airways.

but able to talk is one thing. what is he able to talk about is another matter.

there is a difference between being able to have a normal conversation on what’s on the newspaper frontpage today with telling you that the aliens have just landed and now having nasi lemak at Nasi Lemak Antarabangsa.

(unless of course, he is referring to the front page news on a tabloid. don’t have to mention names here.)

one scores a 5 while the other’s a 4 in the GCS scale for ‘V’ ie voice.

while scoring a 5 is good, (in fact its the maximum score you can get anyway) talking can also mean nothing if…

it is not followed by actions.

” Oh you who believe! Why do you say, that which you do not do? Most hateful it is with Allah, that you say that which you do not do.” [as Saff : 2-3]

this is one of the scariest verses in the Quran.

considering how easy it is to talk and say about things, have we ever wondered, how much of those things that we have said, we actually did follow it up with actions?

so to be on the safe side, better not say anything. then we wouldn’t be accounted for not doing it! (so some people might say…)

this verse is not a call for us to not say things because we are afraid we might not be able to do it.

it is actually a call for us to act, after the knowledge of truth have come to us and it is with this truth that we say and we speak out.

after we come to understand that we are the witness for mankind, of the truth of this message.

so when we know the truth, the next step is to proclaim this by actions.

****

we claim that we are Muslims.

but why is it not portrayed by our actions? actions, basics being all those commanded by Allah to do and all those commanded by Allah to leave. on top of that, passing and sharing this knowledge of truth to others around you, because surely you don’t want to keep the truth to yourselves?

like it or not, with every truth there is a responsibility that comes with it.

(as simple as, if you know that your water supply is contaminated with toxic waste, you see it with your own eyes, surely you wouldn’t  just sit there and keep quiet while your family and loved ones happily mixing ‘air sirap’ with that same water)

****

so yes. once you come to understand this truth, really, there is no way out.

think about it, if we say what we do not do, Allah hates it.

but if we do not say it, then Allah will still not be pleased with us because we’d be hiding the truth (just like some of the People of the Book, see surah ali-Imran : 71)

so we have to say it, and since Allah hates it if we do not do what we have said, then we have no choice but to do it.

because the truth is the truth. if you choose to accept it, yes, there is that responsibility that comes with it, but don’t fear! Allah has guarenteed that He will help you. (see surah Muhammad :70)

but if you choose to accept the truth, but deny the responsibility, well…

could you really let your family and loved ones drink that ‘air sirap’ mixed with those toxins?

assalamualaikum wbt,

love for the sake of Allah is best love ever.

it is fulfilling, it is never a waste of time, and it never ends…

let’s take an example, loving your parents.

it is becoming a news item of late that parents are being thrown out of the house, left by the side of the streets, in the hospitals, in the old folks home, unwanted. unloved.

as  though the children seemed to forget that they would not have been where they are today, if not for the care of their parents.

ok, maybe it is not entirely their fault. maybe their parents have become so difficult to care for due to multiple health problems, on top of their own family to care for. human have limitation and maybe they have reach their own limit.

so those memories of their strong and healthy parents, who showered them with love, attention, money and presents are all gone now, replaced by the more elder, dementia-ridden version of them.

so am i justifying their action of throwing out their parents?

no of course not. but i was trying to understand how could somebody have the heart to do such thing. after all that their parents have sacrificed for them.

my dad always said, it is not impossible because maybe when they were strong and healthy, such act is unthinkable. but when they get to the age where they have to be fed, washed and cleaned, being moody and forgetful most of the time, some people can only be patient to a certain extent before they could not take it anymore. last resort? Out and off to the old folks home. or worse? any bus stop.

i can imagine how difficult it must be. i have been working with a lot of elderly people whilst in the UK, and they are not the easiest lot to handle. they can’t hear what you say properly, they sometimes try to hit you because they are confused, they shout at you, they struggle really hard when you try to take their blood (you are lucky not to get a needle-prick injury), they see things at night that you can’t see…all sorts. imagine having to deal with that on everyday basis. 24 hours. 7 days a week. its not easy, definitely.

but…there is only one thing that should stop you from following the footsteps of these people who gave up on their parents.

if you love your parents for the sake of Allah.

if you intended that you love your parents, not just because they are your parents, but because Allah has commanded you to love our parents.

because Allah has commanded us to care for our parents especially when they reach to the extremes of age.

so you are doing it on Allah’s command. not because its natural that you would love your parents, or what they call, based on instinct.

because if you love based on your instincts, the very same instinct will push you into leaving your parents when they become a burden, because it is also in your instincts to let go when something gets too, too difficult. just as you would let go a metal saucepan when it gets too hot for your hand to handle.

because it’s in your instincts.

but if you are doing it following Allah’s command, despite difficulty, despite hardship, you will keep on pursuing it because with everything that Allah has commanded us, there is good at the end of it. and besides, aren’t we His servants? what use do you have of a servant if the servant disobeys your command? fire him.

and in Allah’s case, it is literally ‘fire’ , will be the abode for those who denies Him.

hence how lucky, are those parents, whose children loves them for the sake of Allah. whose children fear Allah, wants to follow everything that Allah commands onto them. because as long as they follow Allah’s command, they will never think of leaving them on the streets.

may we are all blessed with children who fear Allah.