I try to keep track of all the happy times in our crazy life, (I haven't been very good at that have I). Well I have really been struggling this pregnancy and feel like writing about it and hoping that it helps me, like free therapy I guess. Let me start by saying how excited I was to be pregnant again, it is something that I thought wouldn't happen again only because four kids was a happy number. And then I got the feeling and impression that another spirit is waiting to come join our family so the decision was made to go for it and make it baby number 5. I don't know if I have blocked memories from my past pregnancies or if its because I am older but this time around it is really kicking my butt. I am always tired, moody, and grumpy-very very grumpy and I feel like I am at least ten years older than I am. My house is always a mess -- truly always, my bedroom floor is covered with laundry both clean and dirty, I have no idea where my kitchen counter is, and the kids rooms look like a tornado came through. I know it frustrates Nick to come home to a disaster of a home. Home after all is supposed to be a happy place, a sanctuary, not a land mine having to be careful where to step. My poor kids are bored out of their minds this summer because mom is to tired to go do anything. They are also hungry because I don't cook much anymore or go grocery shopping, or maybe because they are growing and growing and growing and boys do eat a lot. I guess I can say they are learning independence and survival skills.
What I have been struggling with the most is my self image and self love. It has been very hard this time to see myself gaining weight even if it is for a good purpose especially after working so hard to see the numbers go down and the many many miles spent running going down the tube. I see my growing belly only as a bunch of fat trying to pass off as a baby bump as it sits in a lump. I don't feel the baby move very often which doesn't help me feel pregnant instead of just fat. I know I shouldn't think this way and not try to dwell on it, but it is what I see and my perception of myself. I do try to keep up with some sort of exercise, a daily walk and some extra cardio and toning but that zonks whatever energy I have left for the day. Of course it's never good to compare ourselves to others but it is hard when I see other pregnant moms with their cute perfect bellies and looking so adorable, though they probably think the same things about themselves. Lately I have been getting comments from people asking how much longer I have, or saying it looks like I'm ready to go, and then I tell them I'm not due until the end of October and they look shocked! I also get "Are you sure your not caring twins?" I mostly ignore those comments and try to laugh them off. I am hoping as the baby continues to grow and moves more that I can really start to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy and embrace the miracle for what it really is, truly a miracle.
Here I am at 5 1/2 months pregnant
O, by the way I did have my ultrasound a month ago and baby looks healthy and measured a week ahead. It was hard to get a picture of the face but the legs were spread open to see the gender, so the big news is we are having a baby and will be surprised again when the baby comes to see if it's a boy or a girl. The technician was very good about telling us when to look away, it was cute to see Kyler looking and trying to figure it out for himself though I doubt he knew what he was looking at. The kids are very excited to have a baby in the house again!
