I've got it under control!

Mostly I've been watching true crime documentaries lately, which may go some way to explaining the general sense of pessimism that's been invading my life. They often make for pretty depressing viewing, and sometimes in ways the documentary makers don't necessarily seem to have intended or been aware of. Especially not fun watching as a woman and a queer person, but there's something satisfying about them nonetheless. Probably my favourite is the innocence files, as while there is the awfulness of the time lost, the incredible injustices of their trials and convictions, at least it ends with them getting out.

Maybe I should go watch something animated and cheerful instead.

I had a truly wonderful Hallowe'en.

On Friday I carved pumpkins with my housemate and watched Coco; I made a haunted house that turned out way better than I expected.

On Saturday I visited the Coffin Works in Birmingham, which was a wonderful experience - a tour given by a really knowledgeable tour guide, loads of personal touches about workers at the museum, and an entirely too tempting gift shop. :D That was followed by a nice brunch at the Button Factory and a walk around a cemetery, and then we played board games and went out drinking. I wore my ridiculous Hallowe'en dress, with pumpkins and ghosts and bats and haunted houses, and got many compliments. I chose not to take my wallet - 'cos I've been drinking a bit too much since lockdown eased - which meant I was up early and excited for actual Hallowe'en.

This started with a fantastic brunch at Feed Me Fully Loaded, local vegan junk food cafe that I adore. It was a Tim Burton themed brunch, and I had Alice's Apple Pie pancakes, which were incredible and so filling. Somehow managed to take full advantage of the unlimited potato tots, too, but could only manage one really tasty vegan milkshake. There was also a Tim Burton quiz, which our table naturally won, and a chocolate apple to take away. After lying around groaning for a while - and finishing my book, the house in the cerulean sea by T J Klune by which I was THHOROUGHLY CHARMED - I watched Hocus Pocus with my housemate, then the rest of our bubble came over again and we watched Mars Attacks and Sleepy Hollow.

All in all a great weekend - Hallowe'en still isn't a huge thing over here, although it's got massively more so since I was a kid, but it's definitely my favourite holiday. :D

account created in 2009, which is two - no seven - no 12 years ago even though I was on livejournal last month I'd swear. Small sister is 30 today, but I'm sure she's still one and three and fourteen and twenty five and a tiny baby just born and smaller even than me.

Time is a confusing bastard and I would like it to stop punching me in the face.

So I have discovered that Boozy Book Club is bad for my wallet... :D

We had an amazing discussion last night about The Cities We Became by N K Jemisin, and then ranged freely around thrill seeking, Everest climbing and the inherent selfishness of it, ghost stories, Robert Macfarlane (I CANNOT RECOMMEND UNDERLAND ENOUGH), philosophy, MR James... it was so much fun.

Have accidentally finished the evening by buying The White Road by Sarah Lotz, resolving to finish reading The Old Ways by Robert Macfarlane - which has been stalled a while, pre-ordering Tell Me I'm Worthless by Alison Rumfitt and looking for a copy of The Weird and the Eerie by Mark Fisher, which is our read for next month.

And now I need to start the Bird King by G Willow Wilson for next Friday's book club.

My reading has been fanfic-oriented for such a long time - because my mental health has been bad, so reliable tropes and predictable emotional reactions have been a safety net - and it's kind of delightful having new and interesting reads coming into my life. Reading with a book club is a different kind of safety net, I think - you know there is somewhere to put your emotions after, which makes it less unnerving to experience them.

I spent a lot of my childhood being told I was Doing Emotion Wrong, and I think I've subconsciously come to the conclusion that emotions are the enemy, over time, and I think the trouble I've been having with the intensity and logic of my emotional reactions lately are due to the build-up of what I've been pushing down over time. So I guess... book clubs are a way to experience, affirm and check emotions against others'?

Non-standard coping mechanism, maybe? But it's working for me.

Very important Hallowe'en playlist, which is what I will be listening to exclusively for the entirety of October.

Mostly the songs that aren't death metal are my contributions, or the ones my lovely friends have suggested. I've got way more back into metal since moving into my current housemate, but every now and again I spring something truly terrible on her (like the Fleshgod Apocalypse version of Blue Da Ba Dee).

The best songs from the above playlist, in my opinion, are:

Roses by the Indelicates

The Hearse Song by Rusty Cage

Waltzin Black by the Stranglers

Hallowe'en is my favourite time of year - I have persuaded my bubble to go to the Coffin Works in Birmingham on the Saturday, followed by games and Hallowe'en playlist, then on the Sunday we're going to have mimosas and go to a Tim Burton themed brunch at our local vegan junk food cafe. I'm lucky that, even though it's only four days a week, my new job provides the same salary as my last one; I've already bought myself two Hallowe'en mystery boxes from Etsy and every shop I go into tempts me with terrible gaudy cheap wonderful tat. :D

I'm reading old, good hockey fic, today, alongside the book for my boozy book club. We're reading The Cities We Became by N K Jemisin and meeting up in a pub to talk about it on Saturday, then I have a week to read The Bird King by G Willow Wilson for my zoom book club next Friday. I think I'm going to make time to read The Skeleton Army and the Bonfire Boys, Worthing, 1884, a journal article by Chris Hare. Working at a university gives you access to so many beautiful, beautiful things.

Hey 👋

It's so ridiculous, but I feel like I'm in recovery. I don't quite understand the mechanics of it - I don't understand how I was more incapable of coping than the majority - but teaching wrecked me in ways I'm just starting to understand. I bore up under it fine, and I managed, and I was fairly good at my job, but like...

Teaching is job that you can do good in, but it is a job that it is made increasingly difficult to be good at. Especially if you want to do anything else at all. And teaching was never by best girl, that was always going to be writing, so I was good at my job but never ever good enough. It wasn't possible to be, even when I was working my hardest and putting everything into it.

And I guess the feeling of not-good-enough never-good-enough sunk in pretty deep, 'cos I stopped writing too.

And now... my writing isn't any better, necessarily, 'cos practice hasn't been where it should be, but it's more *possible*. I think about/flick through old stories and finishing them and learning from them without self-flagellation becomes possible in a way it hasn't been.

Tl;dr - unemployment is scary but it's doing me better than teaching.

Starting to feel a little unemployable.

All job descriptions seem to be 'can you deal with stress? We want to put you under stress. This job involves HELLA STRESS!' Which kinda makes you feel like... we're going wrong as a species?

I can't, by the way. Stress. It makes me crazy. So I'm not sure exactly what to look for, or how much I will need to be paid in order to live.

Any advice how to organise my thoughts, here? XD

Hey all.

So in the past week I have:

Left my job (and hopefully my profession)

Teaching has absorbed my life to the point that I don't have anything outside of it, and it doesn't even make me happy. So I have decided to screw the paycheck, get something less involving, and attempt to spend more time writing. Of course, this means my wages will drop massively, so I have also

Moved house

into a little 3 bedroom end of terrace house share. That happened yesterday. I'm not in my room yet - they have maintenance to do - but I'm in the house, and so far I like it. I have much packing and organising and cleaning and chucking to do, but that I can cope with. It'll mean I'm spending about £400 less a month on bills, so that can only be a good thing. I'm aiming to pay off all debts next year, that's the big goal.

(If you want my new address, please ask!)

I also

Had my stuff stolen

while moving! That was fun. It was 3 tote bags full of... random things that I will not identify until I look for them and they are not there. However, there was CCTV and they think it was a resident of my old place who thought they were up for grabs. Therefore there is potential that I will get my stuff back. So that's good! Also I have


Gone home for Christmas

Remind me not to do that again.


Um. I missed you guys, hi, I'm gonna try to be more here in 2018. A little more life under control, a little less sobbing in my bedroom. XD

Now I'm gonna go do the year's word count, I guess. :D

Briefly:

I am still teaching, although that may soon change. It is a job that takes every single part of my life and offers very little that is positive in return. That may be my particular school, but I've been there for nearly three years now and I don't honestly have much left to give. The stress and sleeplessness is making me sick, and I'm very tired of having mandatory attendance meetings with a man who earns twice my wage and works 10-15 fewer hours a week. I also disagree with the whole new exam spec.

I am still in my little Nottingham flat, and I love how long it's been since I've moved. I'd like a garden at some point, but considering how very scraping by I have been, that's not likely any time soon. My living situation, however, is mostly good.

I've been writing practically daily for a few months now, and it's of varying quality but it feels kinda good. Niche pairings reduce the pressure. XD

I've been reading mostly K.J. Charles and Jordan L. Hawk, because it turns out that I have a favourite niche genre and it's historical gay supernatural romance. I have however just bought Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari and The Essex Serpent by Sarah Perry, both of which I intend to read over half term. I do really need to make a mandatory tally though, in which I am not allowed to buy a new book until I've read the ridiculous number in my flat that I haven't read yet...

In terms of watching... I have this anxiety thing where watching new things is hard. I look at Netflix, at all the beautiful things that I have no doubts whatsoever that I will love, and instead I go back to the familiar and safe. I did watch Shadowhunters, influenced by the endless Alec/Magnus gifs on Tumblr, but I promise I'll never buy the books. It was ridiculous prettiness, which was both what I expected and needed, and in the shape of the romance greatly resembles ridiculous Regency romances, so very much my cup of tea. I'd most like to watch Black Sails and American Gods next, but am unsure how to go about doing so.

I want very much to form a platonic sort of marriage with someone so that I don't have to pay bills alone.

What have you been up to?