My five-year-old cousin is in the back seat of the car with my aunt (his mom) driving.
Cousin: “Can we get McDonald’s on the way home?”
Aunt: “Yes, if you can spell McDonald’s.”
About five seconds later he says:
Cousin: “Uh… Can we get KFC instead?”
I’m about four years old, staying overnight at my grandparents’ house. I watch my grandpa take out his dentures before bed.
Four-Year-Old Me: *Stares, stunned.*
I immediately start poking around inside my own mouth.
Mom: “Sweetie… what are you doing?”
Four-Year-Old Me: “I’m trying to take my teeth out like Grandpa!”
Mom: “What are you looking for?”
Four-Year-Old Me: “The button to make them come out!
Yup. Four-year-old me was searching for the “release button” that must let my teeth pop out.
My mom laughed and explained what dentures were. I stop searching, but I do not stop being disappointed.
Customer: “I’d like to cancel my membership.”
Me: “I can help you with that, but may I ask why you’d like to cancel?”
Customer: “Have you seen me here before?”
Me: “I can’t say that I have.”
Customer: *Scans membership card.* “How long have I been a member?”
Me: *Looks at screen.* “Uh… oh, twelve years. Since we opened.”
Customer: “I don’t think I have been here five times in that time. I totally forgot I was even a member. So… yeah, I think I’d better cancel.”
Me: “I will do that for you. Y’know, now that you remembered you’re a member, you could start coming in? Your monthly rate is one of those grandfathered-in founding members rates that you’d never get again.”
Customer: “Nah. I remember signing up, thinking I wanted to be a beefcake. I only achieved half that goal… and it ain’t the beef.”
Me: “Noted!”
I had him cancelled and out of there in less than a minute.
For a few years during and after high school, I was in the unique position of working in a local fast-food place along with my twin. One of us worked front, and one would work in the kitchen, so most regular customers wouldn’t notice, until one time…
Twin: *Walking past me.* “I’m taking a break. Want me to bring you anything from the car?”
Me: *Working the order counter.* “I’m good, thanks!”
Customer: “Oh my God! You’re twins?!”
Me: “Ha ha, yeah. Kinda fun that we both work here.”
Customer: “How long have you been twins?”
Me: “Uh… all my life?”
The customer blinks, realizes what was said, and laughs. She meant to ask how long we had both been working here together, but it came out wrong.
I’m sitting on the bus. A small girl and her father are sitting in front of me. The girl is misbehaving a bit and won’t sit still, even though her father has told her to settle down several times.
Eventually, he lets out an exasperated:
Father: “Why won’t you do what I tell you to?”
Little Girl: *Matter-of-factly.* “Mom always tells you to stop washing your balls in the sink, but you still do it!”
They got off that bus very quickly as every single person around them was desperately trying not to laugh.
