I don't think I've ever told this story before- but Ashtyn's birthday reminds me of it every year. When Jeff and I first got married we would talk about the kids we would have one day. We decided that we would wait a year and then start trying to have a baby. I always wanted to be a mother. I love kids and I couldn't wait to have a baby with Jeff. I remember buying a tiny pair of blue baby girl shoes and tucking them away in a drawer for my future daughter to wear. In fact I was a little obsessed with baby clothes and especially shoes. Well that year came and went and I didn't get pregnant. I didn't get pregnant the next month or the month after that either. As each month went by I became more and more depressed. I wanted a baby so badly. I started to let it consume all of my thoughts. During that year I had to go on several business trips at work- I know my boss asked me to go because I didn't have any children and everyone else did, so she thought it would be easier for me to go- which was true, but it was also a reminder that I really really wanted a baby. My best friend called me one day and told me she was pregnant with her first baby- we got married a week apart, so this news really stung. I was happy for her- but I thought it should be me. When I would feel myself starting to let the sadness creep in- I would go to my dresser drawer and take out the tiny blue shoes and hold them. I would lay on my bed and listen to Julian Lennon sing the song Believe. I would close my eyes and try to picture myself holding a tiny little girl. That song is about a couple breaking up- but the chorus was beautiful and it touched me.
"If we believed in love
We wouldn't worry about the problems of tomorrow
There'd be a strength inside of us
To last the rest of our lives
Never break away,
Never let go
We'd never break away,
Never let go"
It would make me feel peace inside- I knew we would have children one day- I knew it with all my heart. It was probably so hard on Jeff when I would cry to him every day about the baby I desired. I don't think he was in too much of a hurry to have a baby- he was right in the middle of graduate school and had two years left before graduation.
Well exactly one year later I found out I was pregnant. I look back on that year and feel silly- especially now that I have seen so many friends and family members have to wait much much longer than a year for a baby. But back then it was my trial to go through. When Ashtyn was born it was the hardest thing in the world. I had no idea what it would be like to be a mother and it was so much different than I thought. I cried every day for months- I was so stressed out about everything. I honestly felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life- I was not prepared to be a parent at all. I believe that is why I had to wait a bit-if I had gotten pregnant when I had wanted to I would have fallen apart- I was barely learning how to be a wife, let alone a mother. I know I tried a little harder because I had wanted this so badly. I was so naive back then. Good thing God knew better.
Being Ashtyn's mom has taught me more than any other experience in my life. She is so much stronger than me in all things. I love who she is. She makes me want to be better. So it turns out that I didn't really know what I wanted back then- but God knew what I needed and gave me her.
