2022- Week 42(Oct 17- Oct 23)

 I was praying so hard that we would be able to get Ethan into his doctor quickly and when I called Monday morning they got him right in. Dr. Ridge helped us set up a plan for his recovery. He put him on medication and gave us a referral to the OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center. He said we needed to get him a counselor and the church offers six free visits for early returned missionaries so he will start that this week. I will still need to find a permanent counselor. The OCD center takes a while to get in to. We did a phone consultation and now have an intake scheduled but not until November 7th. Then they will put him on the waiting list. We have been told the wait is anywhere from two weeks to a few months. 

To say it has been rough is an understatement. It is hard for so many reasons. Ethan's mood is up and down and all over the place. This I somewhat expected as he goes through the grieving process. But it is so unpredictable. There is a lot of waiting involved. A lot of mission reminders involved. When you have the next two years planned out and then all of a sudden that changes that is hard.  There is so much patience required and so so so much worrying and uncertainty involved. We never know if it is going to be a good day or a bad day or a really bad day. Finding things to help him occupy his time is rough. We have gone out to lunch or breakfast several times. A few kind souls have taken him to lunch and a trip to the Lego store always helps. Ethan is amassing quite the collection of Lego cars now. It is hard for him to see his future now. He can't really get a job or work at the temple until we know what his treatment schedule will be so he is very much in limbo and that is a bad place to be mentally. 

We sat by the fire one night and that was a little piece of heaven. At least for me. 

I decided we can't just sit around and wallow so we have tried to keep moving forward. I decorated my fall shelves and cooked the butternut squash two ways.

I worked several days and one day a boy in my class left me this note.

I also worked my first Lakeshore contract. My neighbor Brian is a rep for them and they hire independent contractors to help with setups and deliveries. We did one at a community center. Basically my job was to carry in boxes, open the boxes, help put items together and then take the items to a staging location. I was there for about three hours. It was a fun way to make some extra money. 

Ethan helped me set up an escape room for my activity day boys. This is my third year doing one and this time it didn't go over as well. I think that had a lot to do with how young the boys in my group are. They were very over zealous and would bounce from one clue to the next not realizing they went together. They also were a little destructive and destroyed a few clues before reading them or understanding that they needed them for other things. A few of them got bored when it was taking longer than they thought it should and we had to give them a million clues but in the end they found the treasure.

Jeff went hunting this week with his dad and brothers. Ethan didn't want to go and I wished he had but I don't blame him. He wasn't going to be able to carry a gun and it was supposed to snow. It did end up snowing so they came home early. They only saw a few deer. I wasn't very happy about this trip. It took up a ton of Jeff's weekends- they had to go down and scout out the area, go to the shooting range and test their guns, gather items and pack, etc. It put me in a very bad mood. Sunday all the girls decided to get together for dinner. The boys were home by then but we still just did the girls and Ethan and Fischer who didn't go. That helped my mood. We had pizza from Papa Murphy's and then went through everyone's old clothes and did a swap. 

We had the first snow of the season this weekend. I am so not ready for snow!

I taught the lesson in Relief Society. It was on President Nelsons talk about rest and overcoming the world. I needed to hear this talk. It was given just for me. One thing we discussed was the image of a dove resting on Jesus- when he was baptized the holy ghost descended on him in the form of a dove. When we rest on the right things we find true rest. Resting is taking your full weight off. Resting on Jesus is the only way to really rest from our problems. Sometimes we just have to give it all to Him.

2022- Week 41(Oct 10- Oct 16)

I took Scarlet to lunch this week for her birthday. We went to Bruges. I got the croque madame and it was really not that great. Afterwards we walked around Sugarhouse with Stella. She is so darn cute. We found a little trail that goes under the freeway and connects up with Sugarhouse park. It was a bit dirty and run down and there were quite a few homeless people but fun none the less.

I visted Julia. I haven't seen her is so long. With Ethan's home MTC and her having Covid it has been a while. It was good to see her. She loves showing me her Snoopy doll. I decorated her apartment for Fall. Cheri keeps her well stocked on holiday decorations. 

Ethan got sent home.  He ended up reaching out to his teacher who sent him to see a counselor and they had him take a mental health assessment. Any score over 100 is cause for concern. He scored 115. So then they had him talk to our stake president and after he called us to let us know he was recommending Ethan be sent home to get treatment. We didn't know how long it would take for his case to be reviewed by the missionary committee but then the next day we got the call to come and pick him up. It was bitter sweet. We knew he would be heart broken and probably feel like a failure but we know from sending out Ashtyn that a mission is so hard and not the place to deal with serious mental health issues. This doesn't mean he can't get help and then go back out if he chooses but he needs help. When we got to the MTC we waited in the lobby and President Mackay came and spoke to us and told us how amazing Ethan is and that if any missionary will come back out it will be him. Ethan's entire district including the members that had been moved to a different district escorted him out. We were told they were not allowed to do that but they love Ethan so much that they couldn't help but all come. That meant so much to us and to him. It was an incredible sight watching them each give him a hug and wish him well. When we got in the car we hugged him so tight. I have been dreaming about hugging him since the day he left and this was not the hug I expected but I will take it. We met up with Ashtyn and went to dinner- Whit was at work. In the middle of the meal Ethan broke down crying and I have never seen him do that. I know that he must have all kinds of emotions running through his head. I know this is going to be a long process and that it isn't going to be something we can fix or put a bandaid on and send him on his way but we are so so so proud of him for having the courage to come home. That is not a failure in my eyes. Even if he never goes back out the mission he served thus far is enough. He is more than enough for all of us and for Heavenly Father. 

Saturday we decided to take Ethan to the two best places to feel God's love- The mountains and the temple. We went to the temple first. We did initatories. The women performing mine were so animated and spoke so precise that I almost burst into tears- they made it so meaningful. Then we went on a hike to Blood's Lake. I am surprised we have never been here before. It is one of the most popular hikes in Utah. It's a few miles up Guardsman's Pass from the Big Cottonwood side. We went pretty late in the day and there was construction up Big Cottonwood so I didn't even know if we would get there before dark. We started the hike around 5:30. It was a mile and a half one way and we made it just in time. It is a great little lake and a beautiful fall hike. When we got back to the dark it was dusk. Being so late made the trail a lot less crowded so it ended up being a perfect time to go. Ethan had hoped we were going on a little bit harder hike but there just wasn't time. I think it was good for him. I know it was really good for my soul. 

With it being the weekend we couldn't talk to his doctor or get the ball rolling so we were kind of in limbo. Whitney and Ashtyn offered to take him to Target and buy him something and he chose a Lego car. A lot of the missionaries in his district collect Lego cars so I think that made him feel close to them and gave his mind something to focus on. 

Jeff sent out an email to our ward letting them know to try and make going to church on Sunday a little easier. Everyone came up to him at church and gave him a huge hug and told him how much they loved him. It couldn't have gone better. He also sent out his last weekly letter letting everyone know and he and we received a ton of support which was so awesome. 

Ethan's letter:

Hi everyone. 

I'm writing this email from home. Yesterday I was released from my mission for medical reasons. I know that probably comes as a surprise to most of you. But here's the story: 

Basically I've been dealing with various mental health issues for a while now. Depression, Anxiety, OCD, the works. I never got help for these because it was just so difficult to take that leap. I thought going on my mission would help things improve, which it did, but it did not make them disappear. 

I finally opened up about my problems to a counselor at the MTC and the information I gave was worrying enough for them to send me home. You never really know how bad things are until you say them out loud. 

It was very difficult to say goodbye to my district. They are such amazing people and I am so sad to be leaving them. But I know it's for the best. And in reality it is not goodbye. I will see them again someday. 

God saw this coming, and it is all a part of his plan. Though I've heard it many times in my life I've finally come to believe and know that the people around me are there for me to lean on when I need to and I don't need to overcome trials by myself even if I think it would be better. 

I'm home so I can get the proper help I need to recover and become the best I can be. I plan to go out on a mission again as soon as I am able. I don't know if I will still be able to go to Japan but either way I'm not going to stop learning Japanese.

If you remember in my last email I said to put off giving up until tomorrow. And that is what I am doing. I do not see this as me giving up, in fact it's the exact opposite. This is what fighting my problems looks like. I've been running from them for far too long and I finally see that now. 

It won't be easy to go back to regular life. You don't realize how much you love something until it's gone. My MTC experience was amazing even if it was just a few weeks. The things I learned and the ways I've grown are incredible. 

Family, friends, I want to thank each and every one of you for going on this journey with me. Having a giant list of people to email was so amazing and comforting. Thank you all so much for your love and support. I know this is for the best and that the future is bright. 

Well, that's about all there is to say. I'm still kind of in shock with how fast this has all happened. But I'm going to move forward with faith and hope. 

As always I hope you all are doing well and I love you guys so much! I wouldn't have been able to go on my mission or open up about my problems if it wasn't for all of you. Again, thank you. ❤️

Here's a poem I wrote that I think is appropriate to add:

Victory 

A demon here, a villain there 

All of which we have to fight, 

And none of which fight fair 

We fight them in the open, 

We fight them in the dark

We fight them in our minds 

We fight them in our hearts 

They make us want to pull out our hair

Or wallow in despair 

They make us want to cry forever

Or scream when no one’s there 

But through it all

Somehow, we fight 

Somehow we still stay standing 

We stare at them straight in their eyes

And show them we’re not bending 

And even though there’s not a moment

The thought of quitting leaves our minds

We remain determined so they remember

The time they came so close, so far,

Only to give in to their pain quicker 

And we remain the sure victors 

Raising our arms with tired vigor

When we realize we’re the winners 

And the world around us celebrates 

The sun seems that much bigger 

The grass that much greener 

The sky that much bluer 

The battle was tough and bitter

But even if all else was lost 

We still have one thing to our name 

That little thing that people call

Victory.

And as the Japanese would say, 

まだまだこれから。

(more to come/it's not over yet)

-Ethan ❤🙂

Here are a few last pictures I took with my district and teachers. One of them also includes 5 more elders who were in our district when we were doing online mtc. The other pictures are my first meal after leaving the MTC, gotta say it was much better than the MTC food but I'll miss eating at the MTC. Also a Lego set my sister bought me, haven't built with Legos for a while but my district loved them particularly cars so it will remind me of them. I also forgot how fun it is haha. 

2022- Week 40(Oct 3- Oct 9)

Monday was our company luncheon. It went well. We had planned for 100 people but only got 80 and good thing because we ran out gravy. We also made an abundance of dessert.

 

I got a bee in my bonnet this week that I needed to organize the pantry. I try to keep in nice and functional but it always ends up with piles on top of piles of things and then food ends up going bad so I bought some risers and buckets and went to town. It isn't the cutest looking pantry because I need things in clear bins so I can see what I have but it is functional now and that makes me happy.

Whitney and I made a Trader Joes run. This pasta sauce was so good. I wish there was one near my house!

Went to lunch with Shanda and Amanda. Shanda told us all about her new little grandson and we had a good time catching up. We went to Summit Pizza by the outlet mall and it was so so good! I can't wait to go there again. 

Vernon's son got married this week so we went with Leif and Julie to the reception. Vernon works with Jeff. It turned out that the girl he married  Annabelle is the daughter of Ethan's doctor. What a small world. The reception was in her parents backyard and it was wonderful. There was a French theme and they gave out macarons to take home. They served little slider sandwiches and two types of salad and delicious cheesecake and chocolate cake for dessert. There was also a live band playing. I so hope we can do this type of wedding for our kids one day. It was a great night.

Friday was the ward Fall Festival. I made potato soup. They had a room set up like a little store where you could bring things you no longer needed from your house and then you could take something. I came home with two butternut squash. Lauren Elvidge won the soup contest with her chicken cordon bleu soup. One of the judges liked mine best and had six bowls of it ha ha. I only ended up trying one kind. The YM/YW did rooms with games for the kids. Jeff and I were the last to leave because we had to lock up the building. That will be one of our responsibilities from now on.

We went to Melinda's to borrow some hunting gear for Jeff to take on his up coming trip. Bronson showed me all of his monster trucks and the best part was he can name every single one.

Trader Joes had these fun pumpkin hot cocoa bombs. I just love watching these things explode in a cup of warm liquid.

Ethan is not doing very well. I was looking for a password to one of his accounts and found some notes on his phone talking about all of his problems. Some of the things he said were dark and upsetting. We had a long talk about it on Saturday. He told us that things had been hard for him for several months and that he didn't know how to tell us. I think he thought he would be letting us down if he didn't go on the mission but we told him that his mental health is far more important to us and that he wouldn't be a very good missionary if he wasn't at his best. We told him that he needed to think about talking to the MTC counselors and that we loved him and that if he needed to come home we were more than proud of him for being willing to serve. We left it at that. It is hard to get a sense of how badly he is struggling over the phone but I felt calm after the conversation and have to leave it in God's hands. 

Ethan's letter:

こんにちは! みなさんのしゅうはどうでしたか? (Hello! How was everyone's week?) I'm so excited to be writing to you again. And as always if I am missing anyone on my email list please do let me know. 

It's official, I'm over halfway through my mtc experience! I absolutely cannot believe it has gone by so fast and it just keeps getting faster. It's sliding away much quicker than I ever could've anticipated. I'm so excited to go to Japan but will cherish these last few weeks I have here. 

This week has been fun, fast, and stressful. It was another full week of learning and studying. But first things first- conference was awesome! Me and my district just got together in our classroom and watched it in there instead of in a big group and it was so nice. We got so much spiritual nourishment and I had tons of snacks so we got plenty of physical nourishment too. (Well, it was almost all candy, so maybe not so nourishing. But you get the point 😏) 

I really wanted to watch conference with questions in mind but I wasn't able to think of any. But while watching I received answers to questions I didn't even know I had. That's the Lord at work for sure. What was my favorite talk, you ask? Well, it's hard to decide. I think it's a battle between Elder Gong's and President Nelson's second one (the big one). They both share such good messages that helped me to see things in a different light. 

President Nelson talked about how anytime we do anything the natural man wouldn't do, we are overcoming the world. Which I think is so simple and inspiring. The world can really be a mean and nasty place sometimes, but by overcoming it we can find the true joy and rest that is available for us in this life. I definitely think we could all use a little break from the world.😅 That's why I loved what President Nelson taught.

And as for Elder Gong, he taught about how God's plan is intended for us to be able to live happy and forever. I never even realized that the whole "happily ever after" thing was actually technically not just in stories, it can be in our lives too if we choose it. I absolutely love stories and love when conference speakers compare things to them. If you didn't know I like writing my own stories so it just always really resonates with me. This life, our story, will be difficult and full of trials and all sorts of other crazy things, but all throughout there will be joy too, and if we faithfully overcome our trials we will live happily ever after. I also loved how he said we have the opportunity to help others live happy and forever through temple work and having our own families. And I love how he said not ALL relationships will be happy and forever, because that is a very important thing to remember as well. Relationships come and go, that is just a part of life. But as long as we hold onto hope and faith that things will work out we will get our happily ever afters eventually. That's such a cool concept.

One other talk I liked was Gerald Causse's, because he said that art and literature and architecture and all these things we have the ability to create contribute to God's work, which again resonates with me because of my talent for writing. I know God gave me that talent because he wants me to use it to contribute to his creations. To change the world for the better. And that's exactly what I hope to do. Of course, my mission is top priority right now, but I still have plenty of time after to turn all my ideas into writing. 

Anyway, this week me and my companion taught our first 30 minute Japanese lesson, which was pretty tough. But we went in with a good plan and were able to use the things we knew to teach some pretty great stuff about God and prayer. We are continuing to improve each week. Sometimes that can be tough to see because Japanese is such a hard language to learn but slowly but surely we are improving and are more able to form sentences without help and without writing them down first. Doesn't mean that we never need any help, we still used some written things and google translate when we really needed it, but that's okay. The important thing is we are trying and using as much of our own knowledge as we can.

Another thing that happened this week is two of my friends arrived at the mtc on Wednesday. Elder McCoy, who is going to the Yakima Washington mission speaking Spanish, and Elder Peck, who is going to the New Port Beach California mission speaking Mandarin. It was awesome to see them and I say hi to them whenever I see them. It's so awesome to have people that I know here! And of course, it's always good to meet new missionaries too.

Oh and speaking of Mandarin, I'm not going to lie, I've really wanted to speak it lately. It would certainly be a lot easier than Japanese, because I just know so much more. But I know that God called me on a Japense speaking mission not only because he knew I could do it but because that's where he needs me. I'm going to keep practicing Mandarin occasionally so I don't forget it, but I will continue to learn Japanese and get better. It's super fun and rewarding to learn a new language, you just have to struggle through the hard parts. In the future I'm going to continue to learn new languages. Korean, Spanish/Portuguese, maybe French, I'm not exactly sure but learning languages is awesome and even though it will take years and a lot of effort I want to continue to do that when I have the time. It's crazy that I can already speak or think in or understand three (Well, not entirely, but we're getting there). 

Like I said earlier this week was stressful but I did come up with a nice little solution: I turned my messenger bag into a punching bag (see picture at the bottom). For better or for worse I find punching bags to be very therapeutic, and since I don't have access to my bag and dummy at home, this will have to do. And hey, helps keep me in shape too.

 Speaking of which, I've officially gained 5 pounds while I've been here. Went from 135 to 140, which was a little scary because I usually don't gain weight. But I'm sure it's all just muscle and definitely has nothing to do with the amount of snacking I do. 😁 I have been working out so hopefully this is just the bulking part of that. But I have begun to ration my snacks so I don't just gobble them down then buy new ones so often. Surprisingly, this has gone much better than I thought it would. For once in my life I'm following the recommended serving size and only eating that once a day. So my snacks are lasting longer and I'm not eating as much! Plus, I won't go broke from buying snacks either. Wish me luck, hopefully I don't gain too much weight while I'm here hehe. 

Today me and my district played some wiffle ball and sand volleyball. It's still surprisingly sunny and hot outside but it was actually a lot of fun. I've never really been one for sports and I can't really run because my poor legs can't take the strain after not being used for running most of my life, but I still enjoyed playing. 

On a serious note, if anyone doesnt know the story I played ultimate Frisbee spring of my junior year in high-school, and it was the first time I was really committed to doing a sport. But I went from hardly ever running to running as fast as I could all the time, and needless to say my legs didnt appreciate it very much. Fortunately I didn't get any tiny or "hairline" fractures, but I was darn close. I'm not sure if my legs will ever get better. I did physical therapy and started working up to running faster and longer but they still have the same issues. I think what I'm missing here is faith. I need to have faith that they can heal, not just accept that they are this way. Tomorrow is our fast Sunday and there's nothing better to fast for right now. I don't think it will be a problem on my mission, I can handle walking fine, but it's just so discouraging to feel like I'm being chained down by this and like I can't run because it will just hurt and make things worse. Giving up, however, is not an option. 

I've procrastinated a lot of things in life, and I can say this: one of the only things you have time to procrastinate in life is giving up. If you ever feel like giving up, put it off until tomorrow. Then the next day. Then the next and the next and the next. Because there is no deadline for giving up. You aren't required to do it. So why do it now when you can put it off... forever? In his conference talk Derlson Silva also shared a similar message. He said to not set a deadline for the end of your trials. Because the truth is, maybe they'll never truly end. But if you give up now, you'll never see how the journey ends. That was definitely a great message as well. And I know that the gospel and Jesus Christ as well as our Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost are all there to cheer us on and give us peace and help when we need it. One of the elders in my district is obsessed with the song peace in christ, so I've heard it a lot recently. And it is just so dang true. Christ has done and will do so much for us. 

Okay, I know this is longer than long at this point, but I have one last little fun thing to share- there's this drink mix I came up with that I call the "mean green." I'm sure from the name alone you're already thinking it must be terrible. But while it may look... odd, it tastes so good. I'll even tell you my secret recepie: blue powerade, orange fanta, and a bit of Fresca and sprite and voila! You got yourself one heck of a drink. I just can't get enough of it. If you don't believe me, try it before you deny it. Like most of the other things I eat here, it doesn't do my health much good, but sometimes you just have to make an exception.

Well, this email is my longest yet. If you made it all the way through, I commend and appreciate you. 

I love you guys so, so much and feel so blessed to be able to contact all of you even if it's just once a week. 

I'm so grateful I have friends and family that are always there to support me. I don't know what I would do without you guys! 

すみません(sorry/excuse me), I've gotta get that quick Japanese message in too: イエス•キリストによってわたしたちはへいあんをみつけることができるとやくそくします。(I promise that through Jesus Christ we can find peace). 

Again if anyone needs to talk or wants to contact me I would love to hear from you. Have a great week! 

❤️,

Shaw 長老

Pictures: (sorry, not very many this week... I'll try to take more in the future, sometimes I don't realize how amazing the world around me is).

And again I'm not sure what order they will show up in so I'll just say what they are:

-makeshift punching bag

-picture of the district in front of the Provo temple 

-the delicious mean green 

-great view of the campus and mountains covered with red and orange leaved trees. I'll take more pictures of these in the future:D