Of Appendicectomy

After being 3 months in Surgical Department in new hospital, of course I was forced to do small procedures on my own, i.e appendicectomy. Hence, yesterday was my first 2nd call. As a second call, I took referrals from the wards and do the operations posted after normal working hours.

Of course I pray very hard none of the case will be called up. I pray Orthopedic team or other team will use up the OT time and none of surgical case is called up by anesthetist. But my wish did not come true.

During this fasting month, a case for appendicectomy was called at 5 o'clock. Then another case of appendicectomy at 10 o'clock. Then another back carbuncle for saucerization was cancelled due to no ICU bed for back-up.

Of course I could not do it by own. I need another senior to stand behind me, giving orders step by step. My heart palpitate so fast during the procedure. Even after the surgery. I worry if I did not secure the bleeding. I worry if I did not tie the stump properly and small bowel content can leak through it. I worry they get infection afterwards. I worry they will come back with adhesions. All these worrying are not good for my pregnancy.

Sigh.

Thankfully I will not pursue a carrier in surgery. Ini baru buat appendicectomy dah gelabah and give up gila-gila. Belum lagi buat case laparotomy. Tapi kalau laparotomy mestilah specialist datang.

After raya I will continue my service in Plastic Department, another subspecialty in Surgical. In surgery itself we have subspecialty team that is Urology, Paeds Surgical, Plastic, Cardiothoracic, Breast and Endocrine (my team right now), Colorectal and General Surgery itself.

Baby Rashdan, please not be a doctor. Be a vet will you?

Envy Never Ends

What month is it now?

It's July. That also means I am about 6 months pregnant. Another 3 months to go. My tummy is protruding out. Baby inside has started hiccuping since last two months. Flip-popping inside me. It only happens when I lie down flat or after I eat. Or whenever I call my husband, he will starts wanting to get my attention too.

I haven't start buying any baby stuff yet. Yet. By 32 weeks, anything could happened. Anything! Ga ga ga. I could not imagine at all how it would be, giving birth. It will happened anyway. The baby will come out sooner. It will not forever trapped in this body.

My enthusiasm to get slim again increase by time. I haven't put much weight in this pregnancy. The nurse at my check-up clinic always give lecture about now I am eating for two, I should eat more, I should take supplements, I should eat healthy food. The Anmum milk is still in place. The packet is not touched, not open yet. During my pre-pregnancy state, yes I do drink Dutchlady Chocolate milk everyday, but now I am avoiding it. Muak ler.

I want to eat a lot of things. I want Nando's. Sushi.

Salmon sandwich.

Macaroons.

But I could not get it here in Kelantan. I miss Sungai Buloh, suprisingly. I miss my single days. I miss New Zealand.

I envy a single friend, who can always go back to Shah Alam during weekend by flights, went out for dates with her boyfriend, having her own place in Kota Bharu, by herself. Eat by herself.

Who does not want her own place. I want my own library. I still have boxes unpacked. I want to have my own kitchen and baking utensils. I want to collect recipes on my recipe book. I want to do experiments in the kitchen every weekend. I want a big TV with DVD/CD player.

I wished I could be single and alone forever, but life has to go on. Has to move on to another level. Has to provide life to another child. I wished the best for Hamzah.

My guess my baby will be a boy. Hence the name Hamzah, Aidan, Ramli, Tobiyuddin. I actually has decided on a name.

Breastpumping? I guess that is not for me. I'll make sure by 3 months, my milk already dried up and my boy on bottlefeed already.

First Pregnancy And Me

The truth is, I don't enjoy this pregnancy.

To be honest, I just want to get pregnant because of my age. I want to have a baby before 30. After 3 months of being married and still not being impregnanted, I was worried if there is anything wrong with our fertility. Hence we took every opportunities.

It was successful after all. But then, the news of being pregnant does not really overwhelmed me much. I could still sleep soundly unlike my husband who receive the news with mixed feeling and unable to sleep that night thinking about the future. I guessed he is so thrilled to be a father.

The tummy is growing. I went to check-up. I saw my baby on scanner twice. 'Ah, here you are, alive'. And that was it. Nothing more than that. After that I keep forgetting about a living baby in me. I tried to make a habit to talk to baby in tummy before sleep but sometimes it does not happened when I am too tired or too full and sleepy.

My body changes. My breasts getting fuller. My weight increasing. I could not fit into my clothes anymore. All my blouses looks even more shorter. When I moved to Kelantan and forced to re-arrange my clothes into my new wardrobe, I become more depressed. 'What kind of clothes I got here? It does not look like a mother collection at all'. Soon I will need to change everything. There goes skinny jeans. There goes legging. There goes sleeveless top with cardigans. What kind of dress code should I put on me next? Maternity clothes and ..., ah I don't really want to think of it.

I can't wait to be slim again. I want to go out and jog so I feel better about this pregnancy.

I really don't feel any connection with the baby.

I blamed the baby for lack of enthusiasm to shop. Maybe this pregnancy is a boy. Yada. Yada. Yada.

I can't imagine the arrival of the baby and confinement, and the biggest issue is, who is gonna take care of the baby? Err,.. can it be somebody else?

I am not keen for breastfeeding either. I am not keen to shop on baby's clothes too.

I blamed poor performance and low energy to work to the baby as well.

The only thing that keeps me going, I don't want to relapse. I don't want to take any medications. I don't want to be labelled as depression. I don't want to go near psychology department. Ah, please post partum blues, don't you dare come near me.

The worst thing is, I still have 6 months to go. OMG. OMG.

Poor Baby Kassim. Don't worry, no matter what Mama still loves you.