After reading about tougher medical tests for various benefit claimants, which I’m sure the expert malingerers will manage to avoid, I was reminded of a time when every young man in the country had to undergo such an examination….

Just after my 18th birthday in 1957 I received a notice from the Ministry of Labour and National Service telling me that I was to attend a medical board to see if I was fit for military service.

Now I had heard all about these medical boards from older mates who had already been called up and knew that just about the only way to avoid conscription was to fail the medical examination.

All sorts of tales were told about boys sticking sharp objects in their ears to puncture an eardrum or swallowing all sorts of concoctions to speed up their heart rates or give them symptoms of various ailments. I was to find out just how far some people would go in the very near future.

When I arrived at the medical centre I found the place crowded with young men of all shapes and sizes. This became even more apparent when we all removed our clothes, formed a queue and proceeded to move through the various examination cubicles. Most of these were just areas screened off by portable canvas screens, so it was easy to hear what was being said by the other lads around the room. It was hard to keep a straight face as I listened to eighteen year olds who seemed ready for the old folks’ home or worse. …

“Please read the third line on the card”. …. “What card’s that doc ?”

“Please repeat after me” …. “Pardon doc, I didn’t quite get that”.

“Touch your toes .. No! .. bend down and do it”.

“Is your urine always that colour ?”

“How long have you been wearing a truss ?”

“No, I don’t think that you have one leg shorter than the other”.

…. and so on … and so on.

After being prodded, pushed about, pissing in a jar, bending over, coughing and generally being made to feel like some kind of specimen, I was told to report to another building for what, as far as I can recall, were psychological examinations. If they were then one lad sitting next to me in the waiting room was definitely in need of such an examination, for he suddenly stood up, let out a yell, ran across the room and dived out of a window, which luckily for him, was open.

Well, I say ‘lucky’, as I can’t recall what floor we were on at the time, so he must have ended up in either a hospital bed or ….

…. the Parachute Regiment.