Implement vs. Implant

Infertility is invading every part of my life - it has now officially crept into my mind so much that I am speaking the lingo at work.

I sent a paper I wrote to one of my colleagues for review today. In it, I used the word implant instead of implement. Yup. You read that right. I gave a great description of how a group at our company will soon be implanting a new system. Oh. Dear. Lord.

Thankfully he caught it before I sent it on to an even larger group of people. But still - I am officially losing my mind. :)

Dreaming Pregnant

I have never, ever dreamed about being pregnant or having children. All of my dreams consist of people that already exist. I have dreamed about infertility, failed cycles, sadness, etc.

For the first time last night I had a dream about being pregnant. I don't remember a lot of details, just that I found out after my IVF that it had worked. The feeling I had in the dream was incredible. So much peace and just pure joy. I remember telling Husband and the two of us just being ecstatic.

Merry Christmas and The Best New Year Ever

I have been a very bad blogger. I don’t feel the need to apologize because I really don’t think I have that many readers anymore, seeing as most of the lovely ladies I have followed are all pregnant or parenting now! While I completely understand that lives move on, I think it’s time for me to go out and find some new bloggy friends, especially with IVF coming up in January.

Another reason I haven’t been blogging is that I haven’t had much to say about my infertility journey. I am processing through a ton of emotions, thoughts, fears, worries and doubts right now. Often a great idea for a blog post pops into my head and I have the very best intentions to write about it, but then get swept up into something else and forget about it. So here are some of the things going on in Orange Girl World lately:

• We aren’t doing anything but BC right now in preparation for IVF next month. I started it Nov. 17 and they had me take a four-day break this week since I will be on it for so very long by the time I start Lupron injections. Trusting in my medical team that I won’t be oversuppressed! 
• I am still doing weekly acupuncture and loving it. I plan to continue this through IVF. I may bump it up to twice a week in January. 
• I am still taking a ton of vitamins. Been on them for over a year now – I will ask Doc next month if he wants me to discontinue them during IVF. 
• We decided not to get any more immune testing done before IVF. The research and results on it are so iffy and my Doc is not a huge believer. We may revisit this in the future, though. 
• I am struggling a lot with fear. Fear that this IVF won’t work, or the next one or the next one. Fear that nothing will ever work. Adoption won’t come to fruition and we will be left childless. I am working on shedding this fear and giving it to God. I am constantly reading into the littlest things so worried that it’s a sign from God that we weren’t meant to have children, or that we should prepare for a life without children. I think this is such a huge fear because it is the thing I want more than anything in the world – to be a mother. But I know regardless of the outcome, it is not God’s plan for me to live my life consumed by fear. Fear is not from Him. I am praying every day for God to wipe this fear away and replace it with hope. Hope in God’s promises and His perfect plan. 
• My sweet, sweet big sister, who is only 30 years old and is a breast cancer survivor went to an infertility meeting at her church in November for me. Isn’t that just about the most awesome thing a sister could do? She wanted to try to understand more about what I am going through, and she also wanted to gather information for me. Most of it was based off the individual attendees circumstances, but I did learn some interesting relaxation techniques and ways to conquer my fear problems. She also got one of the girl’s contact information who is my age and also has endometriosis, and I am wanting to reach out to her soon. The even more amazing thing about this is that my sister was able to understand her secondary infertility more and come to a better place about it. She had a complete mastectomy and hysterectomy during her cancer battle – fortunately she has two precious daughters, but she has been struggling with the fact that she can no longer conceive or give birth to any more children. I have always loved my sister dearly but I am even more grateful for her after this. She has done so many things like this for me in my life during my hard times. When she first learned I was struggling to conceive, she cried because she said if she had known sooner she would have delayed the hysterectomy for me so that she could have carried a child for us. (We wouldn’t have let her – it could have killed her.)

Through it all I am continuing to believe! Believe that we will have children, somehow, some way. And I am praying, crossing my fingers and believing with all my might that it will be in 2012 – The Best New Year Ever.

Long Overdue Update

A lot's happened since my last blog post!

Husband and I have been staying busy with work, church, family and fun. We've also spent a weekend in Dallas at a Cowboys game (amazing stadium!) and I was in Chicago for a few days for work. Being busy has really helped to keep my mind off the wait before our upcoming cycle.

I started weekly acupuncture and love it! This was something that made me really nervous, so I had been putting it off for a long, long time. But it's really a piece of cake and I honestly do feel more relaxed afterwards. I haven't noticed any improvements in my cycle, and I don't think I will since I am starting birth control tonight, but I am hoping it will help improve the outcome of my IVF cycle. The acupuncturist specializes in infertility and knows both of the doctors well at my clinic, so that is encouraging.

I start birth control tonight and will probably be taking it for 4-6 weeks. I freaked out a little at first when the nurse told me that - I had always read around 3 weeks was average and I am really worried about being oversuppressed. (Of course, I want to avoid OHSS as well!) I called her back and left a frantic message - I hope they don't think I am "that patient!" I could tell she thought I might be a tad crazy when she returned my call this morning. :) She told me not to worry and that it was a normal protocol for them, especially since they really don't know how I will respond since this is my first IVF and I haven't done injectibles, and I am young and have a good AFC and okay AMH. So I'm going with that!

A very close friend of mine recently became pregnant with her second child. I knew it was coming because she got off birth control in June. I am happy for her because she is a dear Christian friend - in fact, she and her hubby are the only people outside of my parents and sister that know about our struggles. But it's still so very, very hard to watch others be blessed with children while I wait and wonder and ache. I really want to be a good friend to her throughout this pregnancy, though. I am taking her to lunch tomorrow to celebrate. I would like to throw her a shower in the spring, but I imagine that could be very hard for me if my IVF is unsuccessful, so I am waiting to put that offer on the table. I am hanging on to the hope that we may finally be pregnant with our own little orange by then and the pain won't prevent me from hosting or even attending.

That's about it for now. My IVF coordinator is taking the next few weeks to work out my schedule and my stimulation drugs. Sometime in December Husband and I will go in for an IVF consult with Doc and to review our medications, the procedure, do some tests and learn about all of the shots. (Oh joy!)

A happy and blessed Thanksgiving to everyone - this year I am thankful for being right where I am at in this journey. No, it's not where I want to be. But it's where God wants me to be, and if I have learned anything in my 28 years it is that being where He wants me to be is the very best place to be.

Birth Control for 5-6 weeks?

I promise I am coming with a more detailed update soon, but had a quick question for anyone who has done IVF.

Is 5-6 weeks of birth control beforehand normal? I knew I would be taking birth control, but I had no idea it was going to be for that long. I have never gotten more than two follicles with Clomid and I am worried that 5-6 weeks of birth control and then Lupron is going to over-suppress me. I didn't say anything about it on the phone to the nurse because I didn't want to insinuate that she didn't know what she was talking about - but since I have moderate endo and an AMH on the lower side I am worried that is just too long.

Good News!

Today was my company's annual Halloween party for parents and kids. The parents all leave at 2 p.m. and get the rest of the day off as they take their kids around the building for trick-or-treating. This has always been one of my favorite days of the year (even though I don't get the time off since I don't have a kiddo yet.) I just love seeing all of the cute little ones dressed up. They are precious and so fun!

Last year I had the first twinge of heartache as they paraded by my door and stopped to say hi. A pang of sadness hit hard as I wondered if that would ever be me. I promised myself that next year's Halloween party would see me with my own little one or pregnant.

Well, it's next year and no dice. And the pain was back even stronger this year. But I didn't let that stop me from enjoying the fun and playing with people's babies and children exclaiming how cute they all are. After I sat back down at my desk after the last one left I said to myself and God, "Will that ever be me? When is my time coming?" I started to get a little down.

Right at that second I got a phone call from the IVF coordinator. She cheerily told me a spot opened up for me to begin stims Jan. 21! I know this is only a difference of two weeks, but I'll take it! After that I silently thanked God for moving those initial mountains. Right at a time of sadness He lifted me out and I was reminded that there is hope - I'll be needing lots of those reminders in the coming months! As I cried out in my heart, He listened and answered.

Pushed back until February

I just got some downer news from the IVF Coordinator. Apparently the schedule for January IVFs is already full! I won't actually start stimming until Feb. 4. To say that I am bummed is an understatement. That is almost 3.5 months from now. I feel like so much can happen by then - my endo could have grown fully back. And I really, really do not want to wait that long! UGH! And February is our biggest snow/ice month - I worry about the roads being unpassable and possibly missing important appointments.

I appreciate that Doc likes to keep the IVF patient numbers small each month, I really do. But if I had known they booked up this far in advance I would have put my name down a long, long time ago.

She is going to be put me on the "wait list" for a Jan. 21 start date. She's also going to ask Doc if he will double-book appointment times. I know in the grand scheme of things it's only about a month after I thought things would get started. But still. I am going to start praying for light snow and no ice this February!

IVF here we come!

Just a quick update to say that after some thinking and praying we have decided to move forward with IVF. I feel confident that this is the right decision for us, but I am still so uncertain about all of the "what if's." IVF is not a guarantee. I read so many blogs of lovely women who have been struggling much longer than me, been through multiple IVFs, and still have nothing to show for it. That is both scary and saddening, and it is a reality I have to accept before venturing into IVF. This could work. It could also not work. But I really do feel like this is what God wants us to do next, and I want to do my best to view IVF as something positive and hopefully life-changing!

We are very fortunate and blessed to have insurance covering the vast majority of this. I realize how amazing that is, and I am grateful for that every day. I wish it was the same for all women. I am praying we will not run out of insurance coverage before we are successful.

We recently returned from an amazing family vacation! On the way back AF arrived (of course I still hope for success without treatment, but I wasn't at all surprised). I called Doc's office to let them know we were ready for IVF. I have one more month off, and then in November I will start birth control. If all goes well, retrieval and transfer should be in early to mid-January!

I am still bummed that we have to wait so long. But I am trusting that this is all part of God's plan. Both my husband and myself have September birthdays - if this cycle is successful, we would have a September baby, something I have always secretly wished and hoped for. My heart is oh so hopeful that this could be it for us - my head is warning me not to get too excited.

In other news, all of my autoimmune testing came back normal. Praise the Lord! There are still a few others I would like to get tested that Doc won't treat - so that is something we will likely do before IVF in January.

I want to thank everyone for following my journey, praying for and supporting me. All of my bloggy friends really do mean a lot to me. I know I have not been posting very much on any of your blogs. The vast majority of blogs I read are success stories now (yay!), and while I am so very thrilled for each of you, please know that my lack of posting has nothing to do with you. I am still reading and supporting you and I hope to join you on "the other side" very soon. For those still struggling like me, you are in my prayers constantly.

I may be pretty quiet on this blog for awhile, as there won't be anything new to report for some time. I find that too much infertility reading can do a negative turn on my thoughts and attitudes. So because of that, I am making a gallant effort to keep my mind and heart filled with things that are good and positive!

Consult with Doc

Hello everyone!

We finally had our consult with Doc yesterday. I am still processing my feelings on everything, so this post will probably be all over the place.

I had two pages worth of questions for him!

I asked why he thought the current protocol (Clomid + HCG Trigger + IUI) hasn’t worked? He said each cycle of this only gives you about a 10 percent chance - cumulatively 3-4 times a 20-25 percent chance. So really he just chalked it up to the statistics not being that high for it. (Then why do we even bother with this one!)

I asked about getting tested for autoimmune and alloimmune issues. I know this is a highly-debated subject in reproductive medicine, and my doctor is in the camp that really doesn't believe in it. He only believes in autoimmune issues that cause miscarriage, not infertility. But he did agree to do some blood tests for me and if the results come back positive he will treat them. Here is what I had done yesterday:

Antiphospholipid antibodies 

Anticardiolipins

Thyroid (I had this checked over a year ago, but wanted it done again)

Here is what he will not test for or treat.

Natural Killer Cells

DQ Alpha 

MTHFR (said he would test for this and treat if I had a miscarriage only)

Anti-Thyroid

The one I really wanted to get tested for is NK cells. This is also the most highly-controversial one, since the treatment for it is expensive and not really proven. We are pretty sure we are going to use a doctor in another state to write the script for us to get this blood work done, and maybe a few of the others. 

I am still on the fence about what I will do if anything comes back positive. Since my doctor will not treat NK cells, I would have to travel to another state for IVF, something I really don't want to have to do. Right now we are leaning towards getting these tests done, and if the results are borderline we will probably do IVF here. If it didn't work out, we would then look at traveling and treating these issues. However, if the results were not borderline and clearly above average we would go with the out of state doctor right off the bat.

Sounds simple when you look at it. But the truth of the matter is that my insurance will only pay for one cycle of IVF (because after that I will only have about $1,000 left of my infertility coverage). So we would have to not only come up with the money for the second IVF, but we would also have to come up with airfare and hotel for a few weeks, not to mention the time off work. I know this is what most of you have to deal with. I know how very blessed I am to have insurance coverage at all. But it is still not an ideal back-up plan.

I asked him about my endometriosis growing back. I have had more pain since the surgery then before. He said that was partly due to fertility meds that are upping the level of progesterone and estrogen in my body, which cues the endo pain. (It will probably be even worse with IVF.)

Right now we are looking at doing IVF in January - I about fell off my chair when Doc told us that was the earliest he could get us in. Apparently they book up quick, especially at the end of the year. He doesn't think that is far away at all, but to someone who has waited two years each day seems like a lifetime. We could probably get into the out of state doctor before then, but as I said before, we really want to stay here if possible.

I am still debating about whether to do an IUI with injectibles. If we do this, it would really just be giving us something to do until January. It would also use up more of my fertility coverage. I know several of you have gotten pregnant with this treatment. And I think I would feel better about doing it if I had even been pregnant one time. But I haven't. I haven't even had a chemical pregnancy. I know miscarriages are awful, and I am not wishing I could have one by any means - but this is really influencing my decision to want to move on to IVF. I just don't see how an injectible cycle would be any different for me than the Clomid cycles. I produced at least one egg each cycle that was a good size, and each time my lining was great. If we do this, it will probably be just so I can feel like I tried everything before moving on to IVF.

Needless to say, we are still grappling with the future and God's plan in all of this mess. Each day I learn a new lesson or my eyes are opened in a new way because of infertility - and I am grateful for this growth and understanding, but I am still aching inside for our baby.

Third IUI = No Again

Unfortunately Husband's birthday wish did not come true. I was still sad, but honestly at this point I am always expecting it to be a no. There were still tears, but I wasn't surprised when all I saw was one line again. I will stop the progesterone after today.

I am not sure where we are going from here, but I am pretty sure we are done with IUIs. We have a consult with Doc in early October to talk about next steps, which will probably be IVF. I would also like to get some autoimmune testing done since there is a link with that and endometriosis. If the results are positive for any of those issues and Doc won't treat it, I will probably need to travel out of state to an RE that does.

Please pray for us. We are struggling with what to do next. I am at a loss as to why we haven't even been pregnant once in nearly two years of trying. I am young and healthy (just turned 28). My uterus is perfect, tubes are open and I am ovulating. Husband's sperm is great. I have endometriosis affecting one of my ovaries pretty severely, but we had surgery for that and it is supposed to be fixed. My uterine lining is good. I cannot think of why we are not seeing results - I know miscarriages are awful and I am not saying I want one. But it is very odd and scary to me that I have not even had a chemical pregnancy at this point. I want answers. Is it an egg issue? Is it autoimmune issues? Is it just that God has a lesson here and I haven't learned it yet? 

Regardless, our next month will be a month off, at least from any fertility treatments. That is honestly going to be so nice. After three months of no caffeine, the first thing I did this morning was have a big cup of coffee! We also have a mini-vacation coming up in October with family, so we are looking forward to that as well.

A Tale of Two iPads

My sweet husband surprised me on my birthday this year with an iPad 2. I had really been wanting one since they had first come out, but they are pretty pricey and we always had something more worthwhile to spend the money on. I was beyond excited to get it and have really been enjoying playing with it, reading books on it, watching movies, etc. Well, Husband was “stealing” it quite a bit from me to download his own apps and just play with it in general – he loves technology and was enamored with it. I could tell he really wanted one too, but we definitely could only afford one, so I said that we could share mine and it would be both of ours.

My company just finished its annual United Way giving campaign. At the end of each campaign we have a wrap-up meeting where we learn how much money we raised, among other things. Because of my role I am usually sitting off to the side with the tech guys, making sure the PowerPoint runs smoothly and we are staying on schedule.

Well, part of that schedule included the awarding of three grand prizes to donors. Basically everyone in my company donates (it’s a big company) and they draw names out of bowls to determine who will win big-ticket items. And this year – I won! You should have seen my face when my name was called. I was definitely shocked because the prize was…

an iPad 2!

And this thing was the pimp daddy of iPads. It was black (mine was white), it was 32 GB, Wi-Fi, you name it. Husband had gotten me a 16 GB without Wi-Fi. I knew right away I was going to give it to him for his birthday. It was funny because all day people at work were offering to buy it off me. They thought I wouldn’t want it since I had already gotten an iPad for my birthday. And truth be told, I might have sold it or even given it away if I didn’t know how much Husband wanted his own. The infertility has been equally hard on him, especially lately. I have seen how he hurts and how much he supports me and I wanted him to have a wonderful surprise like he had given me! (I had already given him his birthday present in August.)

I am a horrible secret-keeper, so I called him right away and told him. He was floored. And thrilled. And it made me happy.

So now we are the family of two iPads. Of course, I would give both of them away in a heartbeat for a baby. But it’s nice to have a fun toy to occupy us while we wait.

The Stroller Parade

This weekend we spent an afternoon at the zoo for my company's annual picnic. We look forward to it every year because we love our zoo and just enjoy seeing the animals and being outside. 

The vast majority of people I work with are married and have children. And of course, it's the zoo, so children abound. Usually seeing families and children puts a smile on my face and makes me eager for the day when I will have a family - children I can take to the zoo, enjoy a nice day with and show off to co-workers and all the other great (and not so great) things that come with being a parent. Lately however? Not so much.

Husband and I got to the picnic around lunch and quickly stacked our plates and took a seat at a picnic bench near the entrance. We were surrounded by families on every side of us. Every single picnic bench seemed to be filled with parents and children, most of them younger with babies. It was honestly and truly physically painful for me. Something I want so badly but am having such a hard time attaining - and everyone around me seems to have it.

And then what Husband and I dubbed "the stroller parade" began. Literally as soon as we sat down the strollers started pouring in through the entrance. One after the other after the other after the other. It was almost comical. Everyone had a stroller and they were all coming in at the same time and we had chosen the seats of honor in said parade. I started to tear up. I wanted to be in the parade. I was tired of sitting on the curb watching and waving. I told husband I had to get out of there and he quickly scarfed down the rest of his food and we hightailed it out of there.

After moping around for a few minutes feeling sorry for myself, I began to have a head conversation with myself. (Don't laugh - you know you do it too!)

Self: I am so sad and heartbroken. I have no children and don't know when this pain will end. Woe is me.

Head Self: Seriously? Snap out of it Orange Girl!

Self: But I can't! How can I ever be happy again with the constant reminder of my childlessness staring me in the face?

Head Self: Because it's a beautiful day and you are at the zoo with your wonderful husband. There are a lot of other people struggling out there - now suck it up and enjoy the day!

So I decided to follow Head Self's advice because hey, she sounds like a pretty smart girl! Husband and I decided to make a game of it. We were scouts on a mission to find all of the young couples under 40 without children. We knew there had to be more of us!

We found several married couples without children, and each time we saw one we won one point. However, what usually ended up happening is that we would see a couple from the back or from far away and get excited and immediately give ourselves another point. Then we would get up closer or the wife would turn to the side, and all of a sudden we would realize - Oh, never mind, they are pregnant. And then we would dock ourselves a point.

I don't remember what the final score was. The point of the game was just for fun, and to remind ourselves that we aren't the only childless young couple out there, even though it feels like it. We don't know what other couples have gone through to have those strollers in front of them - I am sure there are plenty out there who struggled to achieve that goal. 

After some animal perusing, we sat down on a park bench for a long time in a quiet, secluded area of the zoo. We just sat together and shared favorite, fun memories and laughed and smiled.

It did end up being a nice day. Even if my heart is still aching just a little.

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear for a long time has been that I won't ever be able to get pregnant. Long before we started trying to conceive I had these nagging thoughts that we were going to have problems - a lot of women in my family had had problems, and several of them were never successful. (They went on to be blessed by adoption.) I worried from a young age this would happen to me as well. That because I wanted it so badly that it would be something denied me, or a test that God would put me through.

And now I am right where I never wanted to be. Desperately trying to have a baby for almost two years. I have been praying for a long time that I would give this desire up if God has other plans for me - whether it be adoption or remaining childless. I have asked Him to take away the desire if it's not His will for my life. But the desire is still there, and stronger than ever. Nor do I feel ready to quit or give up on having my own biological child. I don't know if these are my own selfish wants taking over God's plan, or if He wants me to keep trying, or if He really isn't that concerned with whether anyone has children or not. As you can see, I am wrestling a lot with why God has me on this journey and what are the lessons here. 

I have seen so many people become pregnant lately - some without trying at all, more after months to years of struggle. And while I am genuinely happy for everyone, I can't shake the sadness and grief that each new pregnancy announcement brings me. It is a reminder of what I don't have, and what I am fearful I will never have. The thought of having to live my life with this constant weight of sadness every time I see other people with their families - well my friends, that is a hard thought to swallow. I don't think that heartache is something that would ever go away for me. 

I want to be a mother more than anything. It's so deeply embedded in the core of who I am and who I've always wanted to be, and because of that I have to cling to the hope that someday, somehow it will become a reality. I am just having a hard time seeing the other side of the road right now. I can't even see past the curb.

IUI #3

Yesterday was my third and final IUI. Once again it was relatively quick and painless. Only had one follicle big enough this time at 27 mm - I am worried it was a cyst, but they said no. My body had started to ovulate on its own by CD 12, so we had to turn right around and do the IUI the next day. That is the first time that has ever happened to me on a medicated cycle. Sperm count was great at 55 million. Lining was great at 10.1 mm. I had a few small cysts at the start of this cycle, but nothing big enough to have it canceled. So once again we wait and see.

This cycle I am trying to focus on other things. There are a lot of blessings in my life, and I want to think on these things and relish in them. God has answered my heart cries for so many other things in my life bigger and better than I could ever have dreamed of. I know He will do the same for this huge prayer, in His time and not mine.

On another note - third IUI was on my birthday, and we will find out the outcome on my husband's birthday. Neither of us can think of a better birthday present than finding out about our little orange!

No Again

It was a no again. Sorry I have been absent from the blogosphere. I am still reading everyone's blogs, just not commenting.

A Theme

I am starting to sense a theme here. Yesterday at my CD 12 ultrasound all of the best follicles were on my right - "bad" ovary. This has been the theme of every ultrasound I've had. The left ovary that was unaffected by endo had many follicles under 10 and one at 14 or 15. But since I triggered last night, that one will probably not ovulate. I am beginning to wonder if there is some kind of problem with that ovary, and really my bad ovary is the good one. It is probably prone to the cysts since it may be the only one producing eggs my whole life. I am not sure what could fix this - maybe IVF? It doesn't seem the Clomid is helping it to produce follicles big enough to ovulate.

Thankfully I had two follicles on my right side, one at 18 and one at 22, so that is one more than last time! My lining was only 7.7. mm, so the Clomid is already having an affect on that. Doc said it was fine though, so I'm going with that. As always we are on our knees praying that this is it for us. IUI is tomorrow!

Bad News, Good News

I always like to start with the bad news first.

1. Doc found a cyst on each ovary. One was on my bad ovary, and was about 16 mm. He said it could be a leftover corpeus lutum cyst (the kind that goes away) or a new endometrioma, it was too soon to tell. If it keeps growing and never goes away, it is probably the bad kind. The other cyst was smaller, about 3 mm if I heard correctly, and was just the kind you get from fertility drugs.

Good news - which is most of it!

1. I had my estrogen checked to see if either of the cysts was active. Apparently it came back at a good level and they gave me the okay to start this new cycle anyway! I am a tad nervous about this, since one of the cysts was on the large side. I did not ask for the estrogen level, because then I will just Google the heck out of it and become upset if it's not where it should be. I am just going to have to trust my doctor on this one. I have a trust issue, so it will be good for me.
2. Doc said that even if I get new endometrioma's or dermoids or any other type of cyst he will most likely not perform laparoscopic surgery on me again, unless any one cyst gets too large and prevents the release or growth of an egg. Even with IVF he can work around it. 
3. He is putting me on progesterone starting the day after my IUI! 
4. I had a fairly normal antral follicle count of 16. I was always worried about this because of my relatively low AMH, 1.7, but it appears normal.

I don't go back in until Aug. 3 for an ultrasound. Hoping for no cysts and lots of big, healthy follies!

Got the Ultrasound

Good news and a small victory! I did get the CD 3 ultrasound scheduled - Praise the Lord! It will be tomorrow and I did get upped to 100 mg of clomid as well. I am grateful for the answered prayer.

Thanks to everyone who gave their encouragement and advice! I do think my nurses aren't as informed as the REs because after I basically demanded an ultrasound and a higher dose, it seemed as if Doc quickly agreed to it because they called me back a few hours later. 

Aspiring Mom to Be - I am going to ask about the progesterone suppositories at my ultrasound tomorrow, if I am cleared to start a new cycle. Even if he says no, my OBGYN prescribed some for me back in November, and I still have some of that I can use. Thanks!

Here's to no cysts tomorrow!

Negative Ghost Writer

First of all, I want to apologize for my previous grumpy, slumpy, dumpy post. I know I don't need to - you have all been there, and know how infertility can just be the pits. Regardless, I try to keep this blog positive and upbeat, because there is already so much pain in the journey.

Unfortunately our first cycle of fertility treatment was negative. I actually started spotting on 9 dpiui and continued until 13dpiui, when AF finally showed. I had a progesterone blood draw on 9 dpiui and it came back at 6.24. Fertility experts, what are your opinions on that? The nurse says that it does show ovulation and that they have seen women get pregnant with numbers that low. However, everything Dr. Google found for me indicated that it should at least be above 10. 

Some things concerned me about our last cycle that I am hoping to address with Doc. I only had one good follicle, so I am hoping they will up my dosage to 100 mg. Also, I would like to be on progesterone suppositories because despite what they may think, it is obvious there is some kind of problem there. Today I called to schedule my CD 3 ultrasound and the nurse was a tad rude with me. She said she would have to check about that and get back to me - apparently they don't do CD 3 ultrasounds for IUI patients. Has anyone else heard of this? I said I would really like one since I have a very obvious history of cysts, and I don't want to get started on another cycle if one is brewing. The nurse was a tad huffy with me. She also did not have it written down anywhere in her notes that I was supposed to go up to 100 mg of clomid this month, and said she would have to check about that also. Sigh. Why are the small things even difficult? I am waiting and praying for a call back with good news about both items. I will ask Doc about the progesterone and some of my other concerns at the next ultrasound.

Thanks for all of the kind and uplifting encouragement - and especially the prayers.

Down in the Dumps

The IUI went fine. It was very, very uncomfortable (because of the pushing on my full bladder, not the procedure) but very, very quick. Husband's post-wash count was good considering we had to BD less than 15 hours before the procedure. (22.5 million)


I want to thank everyone for their sweet encouraging words. For some reason today I am just very, very down in the dumps. I just have a feeling this did not work. I thought I would be okay with that, but I realize how ready I am for this journey to be over with each passing day. I want to be a mom so badly.


I have done way too much Googling. Bad me. But it seems as if IUI+Clomid is not a widely successful treatment for girls with advanced endometriosis on their ovaries. Or maybe it is, and those girls aren't writing about it because their fertility journeys end so quickly? All I know is that I have been having pretty moderate cramping since the procedure. I don't know if it's because of the insemination itself, or if it's my endometriosis trying to kill off eggs and sperm. I am feeling so very, very sad about all of this.

Tomorrow!

Blood tests came back fine, my estrogen was high and my progesterone was low, so they think it was not a cyst. I am hopeful, but skeptical. I triggered last night, but right before my trigger I took an OPK and it was positive. I was worried that my body was trying to surge on its own and that the IUI timing would be off, so I called and they told me they wanted to keep the timing the same, but to go ahead and BD today, which is not something they normally advise the day before. I know Husband's count will probably not be good tomorrow because of it, but oh well! 

That was my mini update. Hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for all the encouragement!

Please give me your opinion

Had my CD 12 ultrasound today. I am still so new at this, and like I mentioned in my previous results, Google is not very helpful so I was hoping you more experienced ladies could help me out here.

• My lining was 13.1, and they said something else about it that I didn't catch, and when I asked, all they would repeat was that it was good and exactly where it should be for the first half of my cycle
• They counted the follicles so quickly, too quickly for me to follow properly, which was very annoying. Again, when I asked, all they would tell me is that I had one good follie on my bad ovary (the one with the endo) and one on the good ovary that might grow big enough by tomorrow. The only numbers I caught were 16x20, and about 9 or 10 that were all below 10.

The doctor said that there was a possibility that the good follie we saw was leftover from one of my cysts, or even a new one, since it is on my bad ovary. They ran a blood test for estradiol that will help them determine if it's a cyst or a follie. If it's a follie, I will trigger tomorrow night and do the IUI on Monday.

I thought Clomid was supposed to produce multiple big follies? I find it odd that I really only got 1.5 follies, and they seem to be about the same size as the regular ones I ovulate. Doc did say that they would want to up me to 100 mg next time, because they like to see 2-3 mature follies for IUI. I will say that I had very little side effects with clomid, and it did help me get to ovulation faster than I would on my own.

Still Going Strong

I haven't been posting much lately because I haven't had much to say. I am really trying not to let my life be consumed by fertility. When I let myself get too wrapped up in it, I get very devastated with each failed cycle. I spend too much time on forums and googling, comparing my situation to others. I worry and worry and worry and google and google and google and I have nothing to show for it. It does not help me feel better, and it definitely doesn't make me magically become pregnant. So I am trying to divert that time to better pursuits, whether it be reading, spending time with my husband, working out, sewing or spending time with God.

I have my CD 12 ultrasound on Friday to see how my follicles are doing. My prayer right now is that they will be growing strongly and safely, and that God will protect my ovaries from any and all endometriosis.  Until then I am going to try to take it easy and not think about it too much. 

Not to end on a negative note, but I am not really expecting much out of this cycle. I have just not heard very good statistics for this particular treatment for endo girls. I think most endo girls get pregnant naturally or with IVF. I have faith in God and I know He can do anything - but I am not getting my hopes up too much.

Starting Clomid Today

Well, I am officially starting my first cycle of treatment today. I am doing Clomid+IUI+HCG injection. After the surgery I had told Doc I was up for anything, including delving right into IVF. I have heard that success rates for Endo girls are highest the first year after surgery, so I don't want to waste any time. I also had heard that IVF was the best for Endo girls. But Doc insisted he doesn't think I need to jump right to that because the endo was only in one ovary and around it, and that my anatomy was normal. We shall see. Either way, I don't think I will do too many IUI cylces before pressing for IVF. Hopefully, I won't need IVF at all, but I am trying to prepare myself for all the possibilities.

So today is CD 3 and I will take Clomid for the next 5 days. I was surprised they don't do a CD 3 ultrasound to check for cysts or anything - I am guessing it was because I was unmedicated last month, so they don't think there is a need to? I didn't ask, but I will when I go in for my first ultrasound on CD 12. They will mix the HCG injection for me and teach me how to give it to myself then. (Which I am nervous about! I know this is old hat for most of you, so just tell me everything will be fine, ha.)

Speaking of HCG injections, the nurse at Doc's office said to order it through Walgreen's mail-order pharmacy instead of picking it up directly at Walgreen's. She said it would cost $180 at Walgreen's, but mail-order would be $59. So of course I went with mail-order, but was surprised to find out my insurance is not going to cover any of it. They covered most of the cost of the Clomid. I need to call them and get to the bottom of this. I supposedly have excellent insurance, so I am not sure why it was denied. Did this happen to anyone else who has good insurance coverage? (I have BCBS - Illinois. I also have $20,000 of infertility coverage that I haven't touched yet, but that is for actual treatment and not meds.)

I know I should not be complaining about $59 as most ladies have to pay for all of their fertility treatment and meds. I just want to know what to expect for future treatments if we have to go down that road.