Why I Finally Started A Fertility Blog

It was about the time that I started charting with CrMS that I came across other CrMS/NaPro blogs.  I did a google search and entered in PCOS, NaPro, and blog as the key words.  I came across All You Who Hope's blog.  I became an instant lurker.  I loved reading AYWH's experience with PCOS, weight loss, low GI diet, and more.  I no longer felt so alone at 30, childless, and with PCOS.  There were other women like me and it was so fascinating to read their stories and see how God was working in their lives. 

From AYWH's blog, I entered into an entire network of infertile women like me trying to have a family while struggling/growing in their faith through the process.  It was amazing how much comfort I got from reading blogs about the ups and downs of the IF journey.  Sew Infertile was another blog I frequented, and she had a whole other network of blog friends I could be introduced to and read. 

I would leave anonymous comments on blogs where I felt I could contribute information based on my experience/treatment with my NaPro doctor.  I wasn't quite ready to go "public," but I sure did enjoy reading other's treatment plans and what their NaPro doctors were prescribing for them.

In May of 2009, I felt I was ready to take the plunge and start a blog.  God had given me a verse and a name, and so I created the blog.  2 Corinthians 12:9 had been a constant theme in my life at that point, and I truly felt like God was going to use all of my weaknesses (especially those health-related ones that seemed to be consuming me) to show His power.

And then after I created the blog, I think I got scared of being vulnerable online with a whole network of people I didn't know, and I was content to stay in the background just reading.  On just my 2nd cycle of Clomid I found myself pregnant for the first time.  I always thought my difficulty would be in getting pregnant, but I never thought it would be difficult to stay pregnant.  I naively thought my days of reading infertile blogs were over.  It was nice while it lasted and I appreciated the support as a lurker, but I was moving on to praise God for the miracle of life in my womb.

Then the missed miscarriage took me by surprise and rocked my world.  I spent months in despair.  I no longer felt the desire or energy to blog about my fertility or read other's stories of their successful pregnancies.  Then the brief, 2nd miscarriage, and another low point.  It's been a rough 20 months since I first set out with the idea to have my own blog, but I am here.  I realize that this journey to bringing home a baby is going to be a lot longer and harder than I anticipated. 

I don't know what lies ahead, but I realize how much I need the support of this online community.  Infertility can be so lonely, and while my husband is incredible, there is just something about women understanding women.  And I love that this online community can be a place I turn to with specific NaPro-related questions.  So many of you have such a wealth of information and experience to share.  I look forward to that now that I've entered the blog world.  I'm not Catholic, but I do consider myself to be extremely devoted to my faith and to have many of the same values I've seen shared on Catholic infertile blogs (no ART, pro-life, conservative morals, liturgical religion, faith in Jesus, etc.)  I do hope that I am accepted even though I am not Catholic.

Loneliness also comes because I live in an area where Christians are in extreme minority and the dominant culture (it is a religion, but I can hardly call it that) practices IVF way too much.  Most women my age here have already had their tubes tied because their families are complete in their eyes.  Families are big and children are everyone.  I'm constantly reminded of what I don't have.  Until I found NaPro, I felt like there was no hope for a natural way to conceive.  I'll explain more about what drew me to NaPro in another post.

The final thing that lead me to starting a blog was Doctor Gianna at The Children I Cannot Hold.  I'd read her blog with interest for sometime because of her medical expertise as well as the similarities I found I had with her- thin, PCOS, non-insulin resistant.  When she announced her blog was going private, I knew I had to really start the blog so that I could follow her.

So there you have it.  Several of you have influenced me in ways you didn't even know it.  And that's the beauty of a blog and the hope I have with my blog- that by being open, honest, and vulnerable online, I might be able to heal and grow.  And if I can impact one woman's health with my comments and experiences, then it was all worth it.

Mini-Getaway

The hubs and I are getting away for a few days to visit some friends that have moved out of state.  I'm so excited to spend time with the two of them.  When we return I'll post about why I started a blog at this time and what drew me to NaPro Technology.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!  I love the Advent/Christmas season.  In fact, I think it may be my favorite time of year.  I love the 4 weeks of preparation before Christmas.  I love Advent wreaths and Advent calendars.  I love the lights on our tree and the ornaments that remind us of all the places we've traveled as a married couple.  I love sitting by the light of the tree and reading.  I love the Advent hymns and Christmas carols.  I love the time of reflection as we prepare our hearts for the coming Christ child. 

But the last few years Christmas has become hard.  I'm reminded of the things we don't have- family nearby to celebrate with and a child/children to create new Advent traditions with- instead of all of my favorite parts of Advent.  Why is it that our human nature often chooses the 1 or 2 negative things to focus on instead of the many positives in our life?

Christmas is always a little different in our household due to the hub's job.  Since he's responsible for all of the worship services at church, we are never able to travel on a whole weekend because he needs to be back Sunday morning and we're always in town for holidays.  I knew this when I agreed to marry him, and having worked in the church myself before, I knew the sacrifice of time required.  But still, there are times when it is hard.  It isn't any better that neither of our families are much for traveling.  My entire family is in MN and chooses to stay there to celebrate.  My in-laws are in TX and used to come out to celebrate Christmas with us, but ever since the hub's little sister had a baby out of wedlock, they choose to stay home and celebrate with their only grandchild.  Does that hurt?  You bet.  Am I jealous?  Definitely.

The hubs says visits from our families will become more regular once we have children, but that doesn't take away my feelings of loneliness and hurt now.  I'd like to think our families would want to spend holidays with us now.  As it is, they only come to visit once every two years.  And so Christmas for us is always different.  I'm really not trying to complain, but just state the facts of what we do, why we do it, and how I feel about it.  We spend the morning at church, and then return to our house for gift-opening and a meal together.  I truly am grateful for my amazing husband and the faith we share.  I realize a lot of people- including most in our immediate family- don't have that (shared faith or a healthy marriage).  For some reason we are different than our families of origin. 

Thank you, Lord, for that difference.  Help me to focus on the many blessings I do have from You rather than what I think is missing in my life.  Help me to trust You to fill my heart where it seems void.

The Time Has Come

It's nearly Christmas Eve. The time has come for a baby to be born in a manger in Bethlehem. A baby that would change the world. A baby that we would sing our hymns of praise to. A baby that would change the hearts and minds of those that believe. A baby named Jesus.

The time has also come for me to start my own blog. My husband and I have a family blog that we have each updated for 2 1/2 years now. It's a fun place for us to post pictures and share tales with all our family members that live far away from us. Our family blog, however, is not a place for me to post freely about my physical, emotional, and spiritual troubles as a result of our 2 1/2 year journey with infertility, PCOS, and miscarriage. I'm hoping this becomes that place. I set out to start this blog in May 2009, but pregnancies and such lead me to believe I wouldn't need the support of the online community. Here I am 20 months later saying, yes, I do need that online support. It looks like this journey is going to be longer than I thought.

As I prepare to head to our candlelight service tonight, I'm reflecting a lot on the past year. It was one year ago that I prepared to celebrate this same baby's birth with much pain in my heart. We had lost our first baby just a few weeks prior, and on Christmas Eve, I was sitting in church, fighting back tears because I had so much grief in my heart, waiting for my first cycle to start after our missed miscarriage. That cycle did start on Christmas Day, and it felt like such a cruel reminder of all that we had lost. I have lost a lot to infertility, PCOS, and miscarriage, and yet I keep pushing on. It's been a full 12 months, and I'm still without a child in my arms or my womb. I know it is not by my own strength that I press on, but by Jesus working in and through me. I have numerous weaknesses in my life- my health issues, family problems with my mom, my pride, my grief, pressures from being the wife to a pastor, and more. And yet, through my weaknesses, I am made strong because of Christ. And through those weaknesses, Christ works and shows His amazing power. Merry Christmas Eve!