Quick Takes (18): Christmas Recap

I had all of the best intentions to post this yesterday, but my crappy internet service (Digis) decided another outage was a nice Friday present all evening.  This is the 5th outage in 2 weeks, and after I post this, I'm calling Comcast!  I hope it's ok I'm still posting these on Saturday.

--- 1 ---

The ornament.  I think I mentioned a bit ago about receiving a lovely surprise gift from an avid blog reader of mine.  She doesn't have her own blog, but we have become email buddies.  She is a dear lady-in-waiting as well, and the gift she sent was so meaningful.  It was an ornament to add to our tree.  DH and I buy ornaments for each other each year, and we also add ornaments from special trips and milestone events (our 1st year married, our Godchild, in remembrance of our 2 babies, etc.)

This is the ornament she sent us.  Isn't it precious?

And what she had written on the back is even more beautiful:

An ornament to commemorate this pregnancy. Our 1st ever pregnancy during Christmas.  And this dear lady didn't even realize that my DH collects penguin ornaments. That's what I've given him each year we've been married, and this year, he even started his own penguin tree.  Here's proof:

Is that not just a cool, divinely-inspired gift?  Thanks again, D.!

--- 2 ---

Church service.  This is the first year of the past 4 (at least) where I didn't sit through a Christmas Eve or Christmas Day service feeling sorry for myself, angry at God, or on the verge of sad tears.  It was such an amazing thing to sit through church while pregnant...pondering Mary and Joseph and Baby Jesus.  I pray ladies, that many of you get to experience that in 2012!!

--- 3 ---

Surprise Skype.  My family was so surprised to see my DH and I live on video Skype.  For many in my family, this was their first experience with such technology.  Grandma, Dad, and Mom got a little chocked up and/or shed some tears.  It was so beautiful.  We got to see our newest niece born last month, and my 89 year old Grandma did great talking to us through the laptop for a good 20 minutes. I wasn't sure how she would handle it.  The big thing everyone first asked about was, "show me your belly."  Here's what they saw- the two of us still in our church clothes from that morning.

--- 4 ---

Dad.  I've been bugging my dad for a few years now to buy his own computer and learn how to navigate the internet.  My aunt (his sister) has also been encouraging him to do the same.  It would make for more communication between he and I since my mom doesn't let him use her laptop.  Well, either the Christmas Day Skype or my aunt inspired him to go out and buy an ipad this week!  My 62 year old father now has an email account, his own Skype account, and an ipad he is slowly learning to use.  I can't believe it!  My aunt has been helping him learn how to use it, because before this point, he had never used a computer in his life!  Talk about a lot to learn, but he seems to be having fun with it, if not a little bit overwhelmed.  I'm hopeful we'll be able to Skype and send pictures to him once the baby arrives since we only get to visit my family once or twice a year.

On a different note, I can't post about my dad without reference to a phone conversation I just had with him today.  My greatest fear for many years now has been that my mother would drive him to the point of suicide with all of her mental games and antics (my parents are still married, but Dad should have left years ago when mom refused to acknowledge a mental problem we think is present).  Today, for the first time ever, he mentioned she got him so worked up about an issue that he's not sure how he drove home safely and he actually thought about pulling out in front of a dump truck that was in the other lane to end all the craziness with her.  I lost it.  Full out tears on the phone with him.  I told him of the fear I've had about him for a long time (I've only ever mentioned the fear to my DH before) and a lot of other things that have been on my mind (why are you still in the marriage, what's preventing you from leaving, I know mom was married before- {he didn't know I knew this and my brothers still don't know this}.  So...where do we go from here?  I pray for my dad's well-being and feel the burden of parenting my parent.

--- 5 ---

The envelope.  After Skyping with the fam, DH and I opened all of our gifts.  We left the envelope until the end, and I almost didn't want to open it.  It had been 10 days since our ultrasound and I was getting used to the idea of not finding out the gender.  But we both decided to go ahead and open it and found a picture of the gender parts noting the sex of our child.  We both cried.  DH's instinct was correct.  From the very beginning of this pregnancy, he's been thinking the baby was a __________ (fill in with boy or girl) and while that has been what I've always dreamed of having first, it was too good to be true (I've always wanted to have both a boy and a girl, but dreamed of having a ___________ first).  Amazingly, that was also the gender of a name we had picked out already and fallen in love with.  We now have a name for both genders, just in case we get a surprise upon delivery.  Truly, it was a special way for us to find out the gender.

--- 6 ---

Time away.  Shortly after Christmas, DH and I decided to take a getaway to Boise to visit some friends there.  We also got to visit some wineries, so DH could stock up on his wine supply. Don't worry...I only did smelling and not tasting.  We had fun catching up with our friends, and since we were so close, crossed another state off of our visited list.  We had lunch in Oregon, just to say we'd been there (we're nerds, I know).  We have now been to all of the states West of the Mississippi River.

--- 7 ---

Registering.  Since we were in a big city, we decided to visit Target and Babies R Us and look at setting up a baby registry.  Each place had sent us gift cards if we started a new baby registry (hello $30 free bucks, and since we don't have either of those stores in our town, we wanted to go in person and look at what they had to offer.  I didn't fall over from shock or disbelief upon entering Babies R Us, and I didn't even cry the whole time we were in there.  We did find a cute set for the nursery and are now dreaming up ideas for what it will look like.

For the longest time, I've loved Noah's Ark things, so this nursery collection centered around this theme seen in the blanket was perfect.  We both love it, and each of the pairs of animals is 1 boy and 1 girl, so it is gender-neutral.  I'm thinking we'll paint the nursery green or yellow.

I still find it hard to believe that we're setting up a baby registry.  To anyone in the stores, we appear as a "normal" pregnant couple...maybe a little older than most, but still a normal couple setting up their registry for their first child.  So many people have asked if this is our first child, and I can't say a simple "yes" to them in response.  I've been saying, "no, this isn't our first pregnancy, it's our 3rd, but it is the 1st one to make it this far."  You should see some of the people's reactions when I say this, but I feel I owe it to our 1st two children to acknowledge their existence and to also let people know things aren't always as rosy as they may appear.

Happy New Year to all!  I guess my 2011 reflection post will be coming in 2012:-)

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Prayer Buddy Reveal

I'm a little late posting this because DH and I took a short getaway right after Christmas.  I'll update on our Christmas and time away soon, but that meant my Prayer Buddy got several extra days of prayers as she was on my mind this week while I thought about posting.

This Advent I had the privilege of praying for J. at Blessed Be Lord.  I immediately felt a connection to her because of recurrent pregnancy loss.  I prayed for all of her intentions each morning and included her in DH and I's prayer time in the evening.  She was never far from my thoughts or prayers during Advent.  Her faith is so beautiful and even the intentions she listed were so selfless...thinking of others, not only herself.  It was neat to see how her faith was growing through her time of waiting, and I just felt like her time of waiting was soon coming to an end. I was thrilled when she got a positive pregnancy test right before Christmas, and then devastated with her when that little life ended.  If you haven't visited her blog before, go over and give her some extra prayers right now as she grieves.

J- I will continue to pray for you and your DH and the intentions you listed.  I'm sending you something that was really helpful for me after my 2nd pregnancy loss.  Here's a little taste from page 34, Study the storms we see in Scripture.  Jesus was right there in the middle of them, never leaving his beloved for a moment.  On the surface, God does things that just don't make sense, but if you hold on you'll see that He truly has a magnificent plan for your life and He really is working all things for your good.  God knows just how to bring you forth from the cocoon of sorrow and grief and watch you emerge victorious!

As hard as it is to believe now, Jesus still remains right by your side through the pain of another loss.  Cling to your faith during this difficult time.  You WILL emerge victorious.

And the crazy thing is....J. was praying for me during Advent!  How awesome is that?!?  And what are the chances that two prayer buddies would be matched up with each other.  Cool, huh?

Quick Takes (17)

--- 1 ---

Is anyone else bummed that Advent Prayer Buddies are already over tomorrow?  4 weeks seems to just fly by compared with 6 weeks that we've done during Lent and the summer.  I'm thinking we should go from Advent-Epiphany next year...what do you think?  That would give us another 2ish weeks.  I don't want to stop praying for my Prayer Buddy, and I do so good being disciplined for a certain time frame.  Of course, I'll continue praying after Prayer Buddies officially ends, but sometimes I need that extra motivation to stay daily committed.

--- 2 ---

Tomorrow marks my 1-year blog-o-versary.  I can't believe it's only been a year of blogging.  It seems like some of the relationships are much deeper than that, but I suppose when we pour our hearts out online, it doesn't take long to get to know another.  It all started here.  I distinctly remember the low point I was at when I started the blog and how desperate I was for some support from like-minded individuals.  What a blessing it's been to be a part of the blogging community for a year.  God has spoken to me and through me in so many ways.  I can't imagine not being a blogger now!

--- 3 ---

This marks post #99.  I'm almost to 100 posts in a year.  That's not too bad...an average of a post every 3-4 days.  I feel a giveaway coming soon!

--- 4 ---

It looks like it's hardly going to be a white Christmas here, which is a little unusual.  We had just a dusting of snow this week, but that's all.

--- 5 ---

I'm so excited for Christmas surprises.  Surprise #1 is going to be Skyping with my family Sunday after church.  They all get together at my aunt and uncle's house, and since my DH and I aren't there, my aunt is arranging a surprise video Skype.  My 89 year-old grandma is going to have a fit.  She's never used a computer before and isn't even aware you can talk and see someone at the same time.  In the same way, my 62 year-old father is going to be surprised as well.  Maybe this will finally motivate him to buy his own laptop and learn how to use a computer. 

--- 6 ---

Surprise #2 is just for my DH and I.  At our ultrasound appointment last Friday, we had the tech write down the gender of our baby, along with a CD full of pictures, and put it in a sealed envelope.  DH and I are going to open the envelope and finally watch the CD on Christmas Day!  I'm so excited!!!  But...we're still not telling anyone the gender until Baby arrives.  It'll be our little secret, but no one else IRL knows what we did with the envelope....so don't tell.

DH and I both really wanted to find out the gender, but we wanted it to be something special just between us.  I didn't want to lie to people for 20 weeks saying we didn't know the gender when we really did.  Then I thought of this idea with Christmas because everyone has been asking me what I want for Christmas, and my response all along has been, "a healthy baby."  That's truly all I want for Christmas.  This is a way to make the healthy baby part of our Christmas Day celebration, and I'm also hoping it means we don't have to lie to people since most everyone close to us has already asked if we found out the gender at the appointment.  If people do ask if we know the gender, my line will be, "we didn't find out at the ultrasound."  It's not a lie, so I can still sleep at night, yet DH and I still have something special between us and Baby.  And what a fun story it will be to tell our child some day.

--- 7 ---

Merry Christmas to all!  May the celebration of the birth of our Savior fill your hearts with peace, joy, and hope this weekend!  Especially to those of you waiting....you're on my heart and in my prayers.  I clearly remember how difficult Christmas can be to the waiting and IF heart.

 

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

What Learning to Knit Taught Me about Myself, Faith, and Fertility

Our internet service has been spotty or out all this week...grrr!  Do you know how frustrating that is when I've been at home wanting to get things done online?  So here I sit in my office, catching up on internet things:-)  I've been wanting to blog a bunch of things all week, but since I'm here and my pictures are at home, I thought it would be good to post from my drafts.  I'm still working to complete those posts that I once started.  I'm down to two left!  This one gets the award for being in draft status the longest....since March of this year!!

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you may remember I took a "beginning" knitting class last winter that was really more of an intermediate class.  I wrestled through that class with all sorts of frustrations, and yet through the experience, God spoke to my heart volumnes about the infertility journey I was wrestling through at the same time.  Therefore, I put together a list of things I learned as a result of the knitting class that also applied to my IF journey at the beginning of 2011.

(Written in March 2011)

What learning to knit taught me about myself and my faith and how those same lessons correlate to my fertility (or lack thereof):

1. Character building takes time.  I did not learn to knit overnight.  Neither did I learn to accept my IF, pregnancy loss, or PCOS related health problems overnight.  Time builds great things through the pain.
2. Things not going as planned can prove to be a great thing.  I had orginally signed up for a different knitting class that I really wanted to take for 8 weeks.  I went to register the day it opened, and the class was already full.  I was so frustrated and disappointed.  Little did I know that this new class would open up with smaller enrollment, less projects to make, and less weeks of class time.  It proved to be so much better than I had expected and I was glad for that temporary frustration of the 1st full class.  I sense this is the same with my IF.  I sense God is going to do some amazing things, even though none of this IF was planned or chosen by me.
3. It's scary to do something unknown.  Even though I wanted to learn to knit, I was so scared of going to that first class by myself.  I was afraid I wouldn't fit in with the other ladies of the dominant culture here, and I was worried they'd spend the whole class talking about their kids- a topic I couldn't relate to.  My IF journey is scary as well.  I don't know what the future holds, and if I think about it too long, I get really freaked out.
4. Through all the toil and pain, the outcome is better than expected. Having finished the class, I can say it was worth all of the roughness at the beginning.  To have a finished product that I knit by myself is such an amazing accomplishment that was worth all the pain.  I hope the same is true of my IF journey.  I hope I am able to look back on it some day and say...wow, look at how much God molded me and changed me through that difficult time, and look at what a better person and better mom I am as a result!
5. Things may not always go as planned along the way.  Unexpected and unwanted changes may occur along the way, but they are for the greater good.  This was true of my class, and I pray it's true of my IF as well.
6. I easily cry and scream over frustration.  This is not a realization I was proud to experience.  There were times when I'd be sitting at home working on my knitting homework, and I would do a wrong stitch and then be stuck.  I couldn't figure out how to fix it on my own and had to wait until my teacher was available for help.  I'd get so frustrated because I had a deadline to meet and had set aside time to do my knitting homework only to get stuck.  I would cry and scream and swear.  Where did it all come from?  Sadly, the same has been true for my IF as well. 
7. I often wanted to run and abandon the project.  There were so many times that I wanted to quit my project and not return to class again.  I just couldn't take it any more and wanted to be done.  Many times I feel the same way about IF.  When is enough enough?
8. Perseverance pays off along with keeping a cool head.  Slow and steady gets the prize.  I started as the lowest person in my class of 6.  With extra practice sessions with my teacher and lots of hours knitting at home, I ended up being one of two people to finish their scarf in the class time!  I went from worst to first (almost).  I felt so good about sticking with the project, wrestling through those hard moments, and coming out a basic knitter!  I can only hope the same is true for my perseverance with Napro treatments!

A close-up picture of the finished project.  The pattern consisted of knitting and purling all across the row, so I was constantly switching back and forth between the two stitches the whole time.

And the full product- a keyhole scarf.  And while I may not wear the scarf as much as I would like because I downgraded from the expensive yarn to the cheap, scratchy stuff just so I could try to learn, the scarf represents so much more than just a scarf.  It represents things I've learned about my character and lessons I've been able to able to my current struggle of wanting desperately to be a mom.

And while we're talking about projects...here's the apron I made in the sewing class I took immediately after the knitting one.

And the hobo bag that came after the apron.

 

Inside the bag.

(December 2011)  It's sort of fun to go back over and read those things that I wrote 10 months ago.  Of course, I now have the advantage of viewing them through the eyes of one who is 20 weeks pregnant, but I still feel strongly about those lessons I learned about patience, perseverance, and hard work.  It's amazing what God uses to speak to us.  I had no clue that He's use a knitting class to speak to me about my infertility!  But isn't that one of the amazing things about our God...He surprises us in many and often ways! 

Quick Takes (16)

 

--- 1 ---

I am officially done for the term!  I finished everything up yesterday, so I don't technically have to go into work for 3 weeks.  I will probably go in though and get my classwork ready for January.  Plus, I'm still going to be doing some tutoring next week for a former student of mine, but it's still a nice feeling to have everything taken care of.

--- 2 ---

As a teacher, it's so frustrating when students don't perform to the level I know they are capable of.  I had one girl with a C or C- in a Speaking course.  She wasn't doing the greatest, but she was on track to pass the class and move on to the next level.  She decided, for whatever reason, not to show up and give her final exam speech, and ended up with an F in the course.  That is so frustrating for me!

--- 3 ---

Back here I showed you some of the beautiful winter views we have.  Many remarked that I live in a painting.  Well, let me know what you think about this "painting."  It's the same view as the beautiful snow-capped mountain picture, except you can hardly make out any mountains in this picture.  Why is that?  It's not rain, snow, or fog...so what is it?

Inversion!  One of the downfalls of living in a mountain valley is that the dirty air (from cars, factories, and cows) gets stuck in the bowl shape, and because it's so cold, all the gunk sinks to the valley floor.  We need a big storm to come in and blow it all out before we have clean air and blue skies again.  So the reason you can't see the mountains is because of the dirty air...gross, huh?

So far no storms are in sight, so we're stuck with the gunk for awhile longer.  It looks like we're stuck with more "red" air days (as opposed to yellow or green air days).

--- 4 ---

I received the most thoughtful gift in the mail yesterday from a dear, sweet reader of my blog.  She doesn't have a blog herself, but we've developed this neat email friendship.  I have a post all on its own I'll do about her gift because it's another one of those cool God moments.  Thank you, D.!

--- 5 ---

Now that I'm done with classes, I can finally start working on our Christmas cards!  Yikes...I'm running out of time.  We usually send a letter each year enclosed in a card, so I have some work to do this weekend.  And we also have to get all our gifts wrapped and sent off for our families, since we're staying in town for Christmas.  Lots-o-work this weekend.

--- 6 ---

And finally...the news you've all been wondering about.  Our ultrasound went fabulously today!  Baby is perfectly healthy and everything that was checked out or measured look great.  Baby is measuring 19 weeks 5 days, so just a few days ahead of where I think I am.  I drank some orange juice before the appointment since I'd heard that helps to have Baby active, but it did no good for us.

Baby did not want his/her picture taken and this was the best facial shot we could get...look at those chubby cheeks!  I just noticed that Baby's eye is open in the picture...freaky looking!  Baby was sleeping for most of the appointment and the u/s tech would try to jiggle my belly around to get the baby to move positions, so he could measure different things.  Even all that jiggling (and he did it a lot) hardly got baby to budge.  We have a little stinker or a sleeper on our hands!

--- 7 ---

Thanks for your prayers these past several weeks throughout this pregnancy.  DH and I were talking on the drive home, and I still can't believe I'm pregnant.  I'm still waiting for the ball to drop and for something to go wrong.  I can't help it.  But amazingly, things continue to go just perfectly.  DH calls it a "textbook perfect pregnancy," which is so true and yet so strange to me.  IF me. PCOS-plagued me.  Pregnancy loss me.  Food sensitivity me.  And then something going right or normal with my body?  It doesn't seem to go together in my mind.  It all just seems like a dream to me, and I'm still having a hard time accepting this gift.  It's so full of grace and so undeserved.  I will never know why me or why now, so I've just been trying to say, "Thank you, Lord, for this gift."

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Honoring the Past and Looking Ahead

Go over and give this lady some bloggy love as she celebrates her one-year blog-o-versary.  And you just might win her giveaway! 

I was one of the lucky recipients of her birthday giveaway, and I wanted to share the cool God-moment that came as a result.  I was able to pick one of her hand-crafted items as my prize.  Originally, I choose something that I liked but didn't have time to email her my request right then, so I decided to do it later.  Later came, and for whatever reason, I had my DH look at all of the options and help me pick one.  He liked this other item that wasn't even on my radar.

I kept wondering why he liked the bracelet the best, but I do value his opinion and kept pondering my choice (real decisive, huh?).  Around that same time, I was curious what the birthstone for May was.  I was thinking about this baby in my womb, still wondering if we will get to meet him/her on earth, and thinking about my May due date.  When I learned the birthstone for May is an emerald, I just knew I needed to request that bracelet that DH picked out.  I love the symbolism that I feel God put before me. 

The fact that there are only 2 large stones on it is just perfect...it represents the 2 babies we have lost before this one, yet the emerald color reminds me of this 3rd baby we are hoping to meet in May.  The symbolism is so deep for me.  It connects my painful past with my present and (hopefully) future!  I love that I can look at the bracelet and be reminded of the 2 little lives we have yet to meet and feel like I'm honoring their memory, while at the same time look ahead with hope to this 3rd life we are praying for right now.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately about moving on and not wanting to forget our 2 little lives.  This is such a simple, yet significant way to honor their memory in my heart, and also help my grieving heart heal and prepare to embrace a new life!  I feel like the bracelet was made just for me, even though I'm sure it was made months ago.  I love when God gives me signs or shows me He knows what I'm going through in ways that I least expect it.  Thanks for reading about my God-moment!  Here's what the bracelet looks like:

Prayer Buddy: pray for us tomorrow morning as we have our big ultrasound appointment!  I'm praying all is perfectly formed and developed in this child.  I keep thinking of Psalm 136:13- that God is the one who created this child's inmost being and He is knitting him/her together (perfectly, I hope!) in my womb.

Quick Takes (15)

--- 1 ---

I finish teaching for the term today!  No more lessons to plan, just final exams to write and give.  I have one more week of giving and grading final exams, and then the term will officially be over for me.  Woo hoo!  As much as I love my job and students, after 16 weeks, I am ready for a break.  I'm always ready for a break around this time of year.

--- 2 ---

I don't know about you, but all these hours of darkness are depressing!  Add to that frigidly cold temperatures, and I find my motivation in the evening is severely lacking.  I get home from the gym, eat dinner, and then want to do nothing.  I'm not digging this routine because my to-do list keeps growing longer and longer.  How many more days left until the daylight hours start increasing?

--- 3 ---

Air travel while pregnant....what's your advice?  DH and I are looking at visiting TX in January when I'm 22 weeks pregnant and MN in February when I'm 27-28 weeks pregnant.  My OB says it's fine, but then again, she doesn't know my history and so far I look like a classic textbook pregnancy to her (aside from progesterone shots).  My Napro Dr. says it's fine as long as I'm feeling well.  I'm conflicted though....we've waited so many years to get to this point, is it foolish to even add something risky in (no matter how small the risk)?....or do I acknowledge I've had no control with this pregnancy from the beginning and trust God to watch over this child (Afterall, I need to learn to start trusting Him with this child).  Any thoughts or advice?

--- 4 ---

I was so saddened to read of Michelle Duggar's 2nd trimester loss.  She went in for her 20 week ultrasound to find out the gender, and there was no heartbeat.  I can only imagine the devastation.  This exact worry has been on my mind as our ultrasound appointment approaches next Friday morning.  Her story again reminds me of the frailty of life and the fact that I'm not in control with this pregnancy.  Ahh...so scary. 

--- 5 ---

I mentioned in one of my last posts that I thought I had felt the baby move...well, now I'm not so sure because I really haven't felt anything since.  Cue some minor freak out moments (especially given the fear mentioned above).  I just keep trying to repeat "I am trusting you, Lord Jesus" and then pray for my Prayer Buddy to get the focus off of me.  My progesterone was up to Zone 2 this week, so I'm taking that as a positive sign.

--- 6 ---

You may have noticed I finally added a baby ticker to my side bar.  It looks funky because I don't know how to make it narrower, but I like this one best because it talks about what is forming in the baby.  And the baby ticker is for St. Rita's Roses:-)  She asked for one.  I've been delaying adding one because I know many of you that read are still waiting for your miracle, and I don't want my blog to become a sore spot every time you check it, but I also want to acknowledge this amazing work God is doing at this point in my life.  So thanks to St. Rita's Roses prodding...I have a baby ticker on my blog- oh my!  Is it really me?

--- 7 ---

And to those of you that have asked for a bump picture...here's the latest taken this week at 18 weeks.  I've really bulged out these past 1-2 weeks.  I've only gained 3-4 inches in my abdomen area, but it sure looks and feels like a lot more.  I'm up 10 pounds total thus far.  I'm not one to post belly pictures online for the world to see, so this may be one of the few pictures I share.  We'll see.

Have a great weekend!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Blog Award #2

I still have to finish my post about the first blog award I received!  But it's already on to award #2.

Thank you, to Lavished with Lemons, Alive in Hope, and St. Rita's Roses (private now) for all granting me the Liebster Award!  I feel so honored, ladies!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers. (I'm not sure I'd call myself "up and coming" in the blog world, but I definitely have less than 200 followers.)

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: 

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog

2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you

3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

In no certain order, here are the bloggers I've selected. I tried to select blogs I read that have not yet received the award.  Here are my selections and just a few short things that I love about each of the blogs:

1. In its Time.  I love her Biblical reflections on waiting, gratitude, and more.  They are so insightful and have given me such hoping during some of my dark times of waiting.

2. Matching Moonheads.  She cracks me up with her witty posts and I appreciate the honesty she writes with.

3. Be Not Afraid.  I have felt a connection to her since not too long after I started blogging.  I appreciate the words of encouragement she offers me.

4. Time Won't Give Me Time.  Her blog has given me such hope during this journey of IF by the simple telling of her IF to pregnancy journey.

5. Confessions of a Catholic Mutt.  I love all of the pictures she posts and her appreciation for nature and the mountains.

Quick Takes (14)

--- 1 ---

It's Friday...woo hoo!  I have just one more week of teaching left and then final exam week.  Christmas vacation is nearing, and I can't wait.  I've got 3 weeks off and it's going to be glorious.

--- 2 ---

Remember when I wrote this post?  My emotions were so sad about starting another school year without a child and reflecting back on the number of years that felt the same way and being so ready to transition from working woman to mom. Little did I know what was coming around the corner after I wrote that post.  I'm 99% certain that I'm going to begin cutting back my teaching load for the spring.  I've talked with my boss about it already and just need to give her the final word and she'll find someone else to teach some of the courses I'm scheduled for.  It makes me excited, nervous, and even a little sad.  That has been my main job for nearly 8 years.

--- 3 ---

Two weeks from today we have our big ultrasound appointment.  I'm excited and nervous.  DH and I still haven't totally decided if we're going to find out the gender, but I do have a fun little plan I may be concocting.

--- 4 ---

I think I felt the baby move on Monday and Tuesday!!  I was down in the dumps when I last posted, but felt a little better after getting all of my thoughts and emotions out.  I still was anxious about what was happening with the baby.  I know it's a little early (although Moonhead tells me she's been feeling her baby since weeks 15-16!), but I really think I did feel slight movement.  At least, that's what I'm going to think.  I'll take it as a sign from God that things continue to be ok because He knows I need those little signs to keep me going.

--- 5 ---

I went to the dentist this morning for my 6-month check-up and how beautiful it was to be able to tell them I was pregnant and wasn't comfortable getting x-rays.  I can remember so many appointments wishing and hoping that the next appointment would be the one I could say I was pregnant at.  I think I finally gave that wish up after 2 or 3 years of that.  Oh, ladies, how I wish the same will come true for you real soon!!

--- 6 ---

DH and I put our tree up this past week along with all of our Advent/Christmas decorations.  I just love this season!  We have so much fun arranging all of the different nativities I/we have collected over the years from different countries.  My favorite part, however, is unpacking all of our ornaments for the tree.  Whenever we travel to a new place (within the US or to another country), we pick up a Christmas ornament for our tree.  We also give each other an ornament every year and have other ornaments to commemorate events (one from the year our Godchild was born, another in remembrance of our babies, etc.).  Here's our finished tree (and DH being a goofball).

The only thing I wish we were doing was a Jesse Tree.  I've seen so many neat blogs with ideas for ornaments and devotions to go along with the Jesse Tree idea.  Maybe I'll print the materials and make the ornaments, so everything is ready to go next year.  It's never too early to start new family traditions, right?

--- 7 ---

I've recently been awarded 2 different blog awards.  I need to blog about them and pass the award along to others.  I think I have 5 different posts that I've started writing and haven't finished yet.  Here's to more time for completion!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Thanksgiving and Advent

What an emotional week it has been.  I have so many thoughts running through my head, I should have posted sooner to get them out.  I'm coming to the conclusion that holidays in general are hard.  It started last week at church.  I was listening to a sermon about thanksgiving and "giving thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5) when I flashed back to 2 years ago.  It was Thanksgiving Eve and I was again sitting in church.  This time the sermon was about giving thanks even when it hurts or when it is painful (I can't remember exactly).  I was sitting in the pew fighting back tears.  At that time, it had only been 3 weeks since our first miscarriage and I was not in the spirit to give thanks to God.  I was mad and angry at God.  I had planned to announce our pregnancy to our families around Thanksgiving time, since that's when I would have been 12 or 13 weeks along.  I thought about how it was the perfect holiday to give thanks for our miracle, etc.  And as I sat in church on the eve of that Thanksgiving, I was filled with so many different, painful emotions than what I had originally expected.

Thanksgiving 2 years ago was such a sad, painful time.  Our centerpiece on the table was a sympathy gift someone had sent us after the miscarriage.  And while we still had my students over for the meal, the tone was definitely somber.

So after I thought about Thanksgiving 2 years ago, I then thought back to Thanksgiving last year.  We had experienced our 2nd miscarriage 2 months prior.  Three days before Thanksgiving, I had just sat through my grandfather's funeral and realized that again dreams were snatched from me.  His death reminded me that he would never have the opportunity to meet our child (ren) and once again I was angry at God for letting yet another pregnancy end too early.

So as I started preparing for Thanksgiving this year, my emotions were so mixed.  The sadness of the two prior years was still so vivid.  It really surprised me.  And yet, I was so thankful for once on the holiday designed around thanks- so incredibly thankful for the little life inside of me.  I was excited to share the holiday with some of my students and excited to finally be happy on a holiday.

DH and I had fun preparing all of the classic Thanksgiving foods to share with them for the 1st time.  It really was a fun day and I enjoyed eating way too much food!  Here's DH, 4 of my students, and then a daughter of one of the students.

The holiday passed with much thanksgiving and DH and I ventured out on Black Friday to do most of our Christmas shopping (we didn't leave until 8am and avoided most of the crowds!).  I still kept reflecting on the vast differences between the last 3 Thanksgivings, however.  I'm not sure why, but it still just amazed me at how different they have been.

And then the emotions hit me this weekend.

Sadness...A conversation with my dad reminded me of the rocky relationship he and my mother have (He told her Thanksgiving Eve he was tired of being married to her).  More stories by dad reminded me of the extreme hoarding mother does, the shopping addiction she has, and how these habits haven't changed in the past 20 years (and probably never will change). 

Anger...My SIL had her baby on Tuesday by elective c-section after her water broke Monday night.  Her rationale was why go through labor pain and all the time of labor when you can have your baby fast and easy.  And then she's not even trying to breast.feed because that's too much work. Oh the irony.  I want to deliver naturally and breast.feed for as long as I can, but given all the problems my body has had thus far, I probably won't be able to do either.  Some things about IF never leave.

Guilt....I started feeling guilty that I was happy on Thanksgiving.  As if my happiness was in some way dishonoring our first two babies.  How much sense does that make?  I don't think I've fully allowed myself to experience my emotions yet with this pregnancy.  It's as if I'm just going through the motions, waiting to see what bad thing might happen with this pregnancy.  That is so not fair to this child.  I feel guilty that I'm not overjoyed with happiness all the time.

Fear...my progesterone was down again last week (from high Zone 2 to high Zone 1) and I'm actually starting to feel "good."  Instead of rejoicing, I worry that this means something is wrong.  I wish I had a doppler to check the heartbeat.  I am so ready to start feeling this baby move because I need reassurance things continue to go well.

Loss... DH and I were talking about a lot of these things since that's how I often process.  He shared a story with me that he occasionally has been "talking" to our Willow Tree "Remember" angel that we bought after our first pregnancy loss as a way to honor/remember that baby.  He's been telling the little girl (we both thought our 1st pregnancy was a girl) not to worry, that even though we're pregnant again, we'll never forget her.  And it just made my heart melt and tears flow.  Sometimes I hate that our present pregnancy is affected by our past losses, and yet, those losses have shaped and defined who we are today.

Tears...so when I received this Willow Tree figurine in the mail this weekend, I almost couldn't open it.  With the fresh thoughts of our "Remember" angel on my mind, I almost didn't want to display the new figurine with the mom, dad, and pregnant belly.  Again, why do I have those guilty feelings?  The tears seem to have been flowing freely this weekend.  I am such a bundle of emotions.

And yet there is hope.  Donna sent me the most amazing gift this weekend...a bracelet that connects the past pregnancies to the present and future.  I'll have to take a picture, upload it, and explain the symbolism.  It's one of those cool God moments where I feel like God is telling me He knows what I am going through.


And then today begins Advent.  It is my most favorite season in the Church Year.  I love the decorations at church, the hymns, the daily Advent devotions, etc.  And I love the focus on preparing our hearts.  I find it ironic, however, that it's my favorite season and involves waiting- which I'm terrible at.  This Advent season I'm going to try and focus on my Prayer Buddy and not all of my emotions from above along with God and His amazing work coming down at Christmas.  Hopefully, I will be in a better place in 4 weeks time.

Quick Takes for Saturday

Well, I didn't quite get around to posting my Quick Takes on time yesterday, so here I am a day late.

1. We got 8 inches of snow yesterday!  It was our first big snowfall of the season and now it looks like a winter wonderland outside.  I do admit the sights are beautiful, but I'm so scared of slipping and falling on the ice this winter.  I walk up a humungous hill to work (gaining 300+ feet) and it can be absolutely treacherous walking down the stairs or rampway after work.  I did buy these trekker things that slip on the bottom of my shoes, so we will see if they help.

2. I did my first ever Neti-pot a few nights ago. DH swears by this, and I've just always thought it was weird.  But winter germs and pregnancy have given me major nasal congestion, and I'm trying to stay away from OTC meds as much as possible, so I finally relented.  I got my own Netipot and gave it a whirl.  It actually wasn't too bad after I got over the initial weird sensations, and I do think it definitely helped clear me out.  Guess I have a new BFF for this winter!

3. I had another OB appointment yesterday and it was the first time we didn't do an ultrasound, which was sad.  I was hoping to see our little Biscuit since I'm still struggling with not feeling pregnant and not feeling as if the pregnancy is real (weird...I know).  We did hear the heartbeat at 150 bpm, so that was good.  I sure miss my Napro Dr. though and the 45 minutes I get with him.  10 minutes with an OB just doesn't cut it for me.  All she did was check the heartbeat and feel my uterus below my belly-button.  I asked a few questions and then I was done.  No urine sample, no blood work, etc.  It is so strange.  Next appointment in 4 weeks is the big u/s reveal if we decide to find out the sex!

4. We attended a fundraiser dinner and auction for our church last night.  We bid on a few items, but the one I really wanted went for too high a price.  It was a scenic flight for 3 people over our beautiful valley with one of the husbands of a church member as the pilot.  How cool would that be to fly over our beautiful mountains?  I've flown over them before in a commercial flight on my way back from MN, but it's not the same because I was so much higher up.  This flight would be closer to the mountains and would make for some great pictures.  We were outbid by a guy who came over afterwards and asked DH and I if we would like to join him on his flight!!  I was ecstatic.  I couldn't believe it.  We get to go with him for free?!? Hopefully, we will get the chance to join him before the baby comes and while I'm still feeling well.  The bidder wants to go in the spring, so we will see where I am at.  At least DH could go with.

5. My mother is already starting to be a pain.  DH and I knew the next battle we would have to fight with her would be when we got pregnant, but I guess I just wasn't expecting it so soon.  I have had no contact with my mom this whole past month since we sent pregnancy announcement cards home.  Zero, zip, zilch contact.  She recently sent a card to my MIL (DH's mom) saying they needed to coordinate baby gifts for us and my mom was planning on buying x, y, and z for us and she thought MIL should buy a, b, and c.  The nerve, huh?  My MIL doesn't realize how mentally unhealthy my mom is, so she didn't know what to do or say.  Once DH told me this story, I immediately called home to talk with mom.  She wasn't home, of course, but I talked to dad and told him what was going on.  Why does my mother think she needs to be the one to coordinate our gifts?  I told dad that mom needed to coordinate with us- the parents- and perhaps we already had some of the items she was thinking of buying.  This is a control issue for mom as well as a way for her to show-off how much money she makes and how she can afford so much more than others.  (DH's family isn't at the same income-level as my parents.)  She just makes my blood boil- ugh!

6.  I think I am finally ready to start writing in our baby book.  I haven't started because I haven't wanted to experience the pain of let down again.  Now that we are at 15 1/2 weeks, we have successfully made it out of the 1st trimester.  I think I am finally ready to start writing letters and thoughts to our baby in his/her baby book.  I have been keeping a pregnancy journal somewhat during this time with my thoughts and fears and dialogues with God, but I've only written in it about once a week or so.  I think it's time to let my emotions go deeper, but it still scares me.

7. I also think it's time to make the pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  We've told quite a number of people now (close family and friends, church friends, my co-workers, etc.) that some have started writing on our wall about the news.  I've caught all of them quickly and deleted the baby references, but I think we need to make an announcement, so I don't have to worry about checking my wall posts to delete them.  I've been thinking and praying of how to do this.  I still feel the pain when someone makes a pregnancy announcement and want to be sensitive to those waiting.  Most casual FB friends don't know about our IF struggle or previous miscarriages.  I also want to acknowledge God's amazing work in this pregnancy and our lives as well.

I've been thinking of something like, "Thanks be to God that He has finally seen us through the 1st trimester with a pregnancy.  Join us in rejoicing and praying that this is the baby we get to meet early May 2012.  We are trusting in His perfect timing."

What do you think?  Changes I should make?  Things to delete or add?  Too much of a downer with the 2nd sentence?  I'm probably over-analyzing it, but I want those few sentences to encompass so many different emotions and experiences.

Winter Views

One of the few things I love about winter are the views here.  Here's my view walking to my office every day.  Many a days I slow down or stop to pause and take in the beauty of the mountains.  I never tire of looking at them.

And the next favorite view I have are the winter sunsets.  The sun sets more directly behind the mountains in the winter than it does in the summer, which makes for much more spectacular sunsets.  I was washing dishes tonight when I looked out the window to see this beauty of a sight: 

And as the minutes passed, the colors in the sky changed.  It was so beautiful.  I wish we had a clearer, unobstructed view from our backyard, but I am thankful that we can see the mountains (they are the same ones as the first photo).

Every once in awhile, if it looks like it's going to be a good sunset, DH and I will go for a quick drive to a clearing and watch the colors dance over the mountains.  Pictures can never capture the beauty, but I always try to with my camera.  What a God we have of such amazing creativity!

Quick Takes (13)

--- 1 ---

Veterans' Day today and I'm thinking of my favorite WWII veteran- my grandfather.  He was a member of the 101st Airborne and was a paratrooper.  Some of the stories he told were unbelievable.  He got dropped behind enemy lines one time and was only 1 of 3 to make it back to safety.  Thankfully, last year while I was visiting, I was able to record him sharing some of his stories.  He didn't know I was recording him speaking, otherwise he never would have talked.  He was that humble of a man.  Next week marks one year since he's been gone.  I still miss him a ton, especially as I think of all the things I won't be able to share with him (the news of our pregnancy, meeting our child, etc.).

--- 2 ---

Last week at the birth seminar, my husband won a gift certificate to a local baby store.  Tonight we used it towards the purchase of a body pillow!  I'm hoping the body pillow helps relieve some of the back pain and sleep struggles I'm already having.  It was our first "baby" purchase for ourselves.

--- 3 ---

As if the above purchase wasn't enough, we went to a warehouse sale today with a ton of JJ Cole products.  They have some fabulous baby items like Bundleme carseat covers and amazing diaper bags that include changing pads, pacifier pods, and insulated bottle holders.  I remember seeing this sale last fall, but I've never been before and considering we'll have a little one (God-willing)before the sale comes around again, DH and I decided to check it out.  They had fabulous deals (50-80% off), so we stocked up on a few baby items as well as got SIL's Christmas present (a carseat cover she never got from her registry).  So now I have more than one baby item in the house.  I can't believe it.

--- 4 ---

Pregnancy hair.  I've heard about it, but until this week, I wasn't sure what it was.  I think I know what it is now.  My hair is different.  Usually in the winter it becomes so dry and brittle that I have to use a ton of moisturizing products.  It's usually full of static and dull and flat by the end of the day.  Not this week.  My hair is shiny and full of body.  It must be the pregnancy because our dry winter air has definitely hit.  I guess this is good news that the pregnancy is continuing to go well?

--- 5 ---

I had another progesterone check on Monday morning.  Usually by Tuesday morning I'm calling the lab to check the results myself because I'm so antsy to get them before they are sent to my Napro Dr.  This week, for whatever reason, I decided I was not going to call the lab until Friday.  I don't know where the extra measure of patience came from because it certainly wasn't characteristic of me.  Amazingly, I did well waiting all week long.  I wondered what my results were, but I didn't spaze out not knowing them.  This afternoon rolled around and I still hadn't heard, but just when I thought about calling, my Napro Dr. called with the results.  Are you ready for this?  My progesterone went from 14.7 two weeks ago to 34.5 this week!  Woo hoo!  Maybe this is why I've been so dang tired again this week- high progesterone.  I'm now high Zone 2, so I'm cutting back to 100mg twice a week.  I'm also taking this as another sign that Biscuit continues to grow healthy and strong.  I can't say thank you enough, dear Jesus.

--- 6 ---

I'm already thinking about Thanksgiving.  It's been a tradition of ours to invite my current international students over for a traditional American Thanksgiving meal.  We are usually never able to travel during the holiday because of his job, and neither of our families come to see us since we're the only ones that live far away.  As a result, having students over for their first Thanksgiving has become our special tradition.  Last year, we were out of town for my grandfather's funeral and uncle's wedding, so we actually celebrated Thanksgiving with my family.  This year, DH and I are reinstating our student tradition.  I'm excited because I have such a great group of students this term.  I'm not sure how many will come because some will be traveling, but whoever comes will be in for a special feast!

--- 7 ---

I have a few more posts in the queue waiting to be finished off.  It seems I always have more things to post about then time to compose my thoughts and post them.  Hopefully, I'll be able to do some this weekend!  Stay tuned and have a fabulous weekend.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Quick Takes (12)

I'm so glad it's Friday!  Here's my quick takes for this week:

1. We are awaiting our 1st snowfall this weekend.  We'll see if it really happens as it was forecasted to snow earlier in the week and didn't (no complaints here).  Rain or snow tomorrow?  We'll see.

2. We finally took the plunge and told our families about this pregnancy.  We put cards and packages in the mail to them from the baby.  I scanned our last ultrasound picture and DH wrote the cutest note from the perspective of the baby (Dear ....I'm Baby X. Here's my first picture...I can't wait to meet you..).  He did add in a line about "please pray for me and my mommy as she still needs shots to keep me alive and growing." Our families were thrilled to receive the cards in the mail and it's been a full week of phone calls and chatting about our news.  That has really gotten me excited again.  My family was floored as they had no clue.  I figured that would be the case since I just saw them 3 weeks ago. My dad said he was truly left speechless when he got the card.  That's the fun part!

3. I also broke down and told my boss this week.  I needed to tell her because she's been bugging me about scheduling classes for 2012 and I've been avoiding that discussion for weeks.  She was surprised, but I think she honestly thought I was going to say I was moving when I said I could teach classes next summer.  I'm waiting another few weeks (after our next appt.) to tell the rest of my co-workers.

4. I cancelled a digital photography class I was looking forward to taking at the technical college.  I was so happy I got one of the 10 spots in the class and really wanted to hone my camera skills with my new camera.  When it came time for class to start this week, I just didn't feel like my heart was in it any more and the thought of 2 hour classes plus photography homework during the week seemed like a little too much for me.  It makes me sad, but I hope I have another opportunity for a class because last time I used my camera (at a short track competition I still need to blog about), I realized I have a ton left to learn.

5. I can't believe it's November already!  While the stores may be covered in Christmas decor galore, I love November for its focus on being thankful/gratitude.  I see some people are posting what they are grateful for each day, and I love this idea, but didn't start it on the 1st.  I'm still trying to think of things each day that I'm thankful for.

6. I had my first pre-natal massage yesterday!  My lower back, shoulders, and neck have been killing me the past couple of weeks (my stress points), and I finally decided I needed to get some help.  I saw an hour massage advertised for $35, so I decided to check it out.  It was fabulous!  That coupled with a visit to the chiropractor this morning has me feeling great.  I hope it can last the next month because I decided once a month was a big enough splurge for each of those.  Good thing I have a side tutoring job coming up where I can earn a few extra bucks!

7. I am going to a birthing seminar tomorrow.  I can hardly believe it.  I'm going to learn about how to create a birth plan and how midwives and doulas in my area could help out with delivery.  This is not something IF me ever thought I'd be going to, much less so early on in this pregnancy, but it's a one time seminar that's never been offered before and I look forward to learning some information from local resources.  Still, I can hardly believe it.  I know I keep saying that, but it's so true. 

Have a great weekend!  Head over to Jen's to see more Quick Takes.

With All the Saints

All Saints' Day...

Today I woke up to an unexpected surprise.  My pregnancy symptoms were gone!  Like almost, nearly, completely gone.  No nausea.  No fatigue.  No sensitive or sore chest.  No funky food cravings or aversions.  I had sort of started feeling like this last night, but the change was quiet clear in the morning.  I actually had noticeable energy.

Some people had told me this would come with the end of 1st trimester and it often came on suddenly.

So do I rejoice that I'm leaving the 1st trimester behind?  Or do I thank God that my body seems to be right on schedule and doing the right thing?  By now you know me well enough to know the answer is no.  I freak out!  Oh no.  The pregnancy is over.  This must be another missed miscarriage.  My symptoms just nearly disappeared.

I've been on extra heightened alert ever since last Tuesday when I found out the poor progesterone results, so this change only added to it this morning.  Then on top of it, it was time for another shot this morning, so I thought my progesterone must be way low again if I didn't have any symptoms.  I was an instant wreck.

I decide to wait it out.  Surely some symptoms will come later on because I have felt better in the morning and worse in the evening with this pregnancy.  I get to work and wait.. 10:00...11:00...12:00...1:00...2:00.  Nothing.  In fact, I don't even have a huge appetite at lunch and there were days last week that I was starving.  With each hour that passes, I feel my anxiety growing greater.  I try deep breathing.  I try positive self-talk.  I try to relax.  Nothing works.  I count my heart rate at 100-120 bpm.

So what do I do when anxiety seems to be getting the best of me?  I know I can't possibly go on like this for another 2 1/2 weeks until my next appointment, and I know it's not healthy for me or the baby, so I call my OB's office and beg and plead for them to let me come in and get a heartbeat check.  They assure me everything sounds normal, but I continue to gently push.  I'll meet with a nurse...anyone.  I just need some reassurance things are ok.  They agreed and told me to come in in an hour! 

I call DH and hope he has some free time to run to the clinic with me and we go.  I don't meet with a nurse, but with my doctor!  That was a surprise.  She was really understanding and said with her first pregnancy all of her symptoms disappeared overnight as well, but that can also be a sign of a miscarriage, so it is good to check it out.  It took her less than 2 seconds to find the heartbeat....156 bpm.  What a beautiful sound!  Everything seems to continue to be going well despite my anxiety, doubts, and fears.  I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow, so I do believe the risk for loss has gone way down at this point (perhaps just 1-2%?).  I have a baby inside of me.  I really do.  It still seems so hard to believe.

And now I can breathe easier until our next appointment.  DH thinks I'm crazy, yet he understands.  I just know myself and knew I needed to get in soon if I wanted to make it another 2 1/2 weeks.  That progesterone draw last week sure messed with my head.

I was reflecting on all of this tonight and thinking about how it was All Saints' Day today.  I got a beautiful picture in my mind of our other 2 children looking down from heaven on me and their youngest sibling and telling their brother/sister to stay awhile longer here on Earth.  And then I started thinking about someday (hopefully a long time from now) when those 3 children will be reunited together in heaven.

And then I thought of my grandfather who passed on from this life last November and how he'll be one of the faithful saints we remember by name at church on Sunday.  And then I thought of how he'll never get to meet this child on Earth, and that makes me so sad. And then I decided to stop thinking about those things and say thanks to God for the reassurance I once again have and to ask forgiveness for my disbelief.

And thank YOU to the many of you who have been faithfully praying.  You are the saints this side of heaven!

Waiting, Praying, and Trusting

Waiting, praying, and trusting....more specifically....waiting on God and His timing, praying to God for ___________ (peace, patience, wisdom, guidance, etc.), and trusting in God and His timing and outcome.

Three hard and difficult things to do, yet it seems like these three words have followed me throughout various stages of my life.  I'm beginning to see these as lifelong lessons.  I can think back to the times where I had to wait, pray, and trust God to reveal the next step in life, what to do after college, if I should move and go to graduate school, when I would meet my spouse, when we would get pregnant, when we would stay pregnant, when family members would come to faith (still waiting, praying and trusting with this one), and now what will happen with this pregnancy.

Waiting- I'm not very good at waiting because I'm somewhat of a control freak.  I like things planned and organized, and waiting isn't conducive to planning.  I can plan all I want, but most of the above things were out of my control.  I have grown in my patience over the years, but I realize I still have a lot of room to grow in that area.

Praying- I pray every day during my morning devotion time and with DH in the evenings, but a lot of time my prayers are more surface level requesting things for others, safety, health, and specific concerns.  I often don't pray deeply because I think I'm afraid of what God's answer might be.  And then there have been times in my life when I haven't wanted to pray to God because I was so angry with Him. I certainly don't spend a lot of prayer time praising God for who He is.  I thank God for things He's done, conversations He provided, etc., but that is different than just praising Him for His entire being.

Trusting- This one is probably the hardest.  Do I trust God with my life?  The short answer is yes, I do, but do I trust Him with every area of my life?  I don't want to because I'm afraid of what that trust might involve or require of me.  Do I trust that He loves me and care for me?  Yes.  Do I trust Him to watch over this baby in my womb....yes, but because of sin in the world, I don't know what the outcome will be and that is hard.

And so I find myself this week reflecting upon these 3 words in my life at the moment.  I don't know what is happening with this pregnancy, and I don't know what the end result will be, but I wait, pray, and trust God.

I talked with my Napro Dr. on Weds. and the first question he asked me was if I had any spotting or cramping.  That tells you what he thought about that stinky progesterone number.  I reminded him of the good ultrasound that took place 6 hours after that blood draw, and he said he wouldn't worry so much about it because things did look good with the baby.  I just keep thinking...what if I hadn't had that ultrasound appointment that day?  I'd probably think the pregnancy was over.  Crazy how impeccable timing can be.

He doubled my shot dose to 200 mg twice a week and I re-test Nov. 7th.  He said adding suppositories was optional, but since I'm now in zone 1, I've decided to add suppositories on the days I don't do a shot.  And now I find myself waiting again.  I was just getting ready to relax and start enjoying this pregnancy more after the ultrasound, and now I feel like I'm on heightened alert again- analyzing all the aches, pains, and symptoms I may or may not be having and then trying to figure out what they mean.  This is ridiculous because there's no way to really know what everything means. I did find some comfort from these case examples of women who had low progesterone at 12 weeks (18 and 15- Figure 55-9 and 55-11) and still went on to have healthy deliveries.  

I was so close to being out of the first trimester, and now I still find myself wondering if something might go/have gone wrong since Monday.  I am trying to focus on the fact that I have only a 2% chance of there being a problem since I have made it so far.  Everything thus far (with the exception of that one progesterone level) has been just fine with this pregnancy, and I keep reminding myself of that.  The HCG doubled almost perfectly, all the ultrasounds showed the baby right on schedule, and everything else has been fine.  I've been singing "I am trusting you Lord, Jesus" over and over in my head as a way to reassure myself that things will be ok.  It must be a song in the hymnal, but I haven't looked it up and I only remember that line.  I've been talking to myself  as well...coaching my body that it can do it- it can continue to support this pregnancy.  And I've been talking to the placenta- telling it to pick up speed working and supplying nutrients because the baby needs it.  Now you think I've gone completely crazy, huh??

I keep picturing that marvelous picture in my head of our baby moving all around on Monday and just think of what a miracle it is to have made it this far.  Any child is a miracle, but I feel like this one is starting to defy the odds of mainstream medicine.  I fully believe without progesterone support, I would not have made it this far.  And my local OB is ready for me to go off the shots now because the placenta should be kicking in (even after I told her about the low number).  Just wait until my next appt. when I have to tell her I'm still on the progesterone support (and at this rate, I may be on it the whole pregnancy). 

After our good appointment Monday, our plan was to tell our families and my boss.  I was excited to finally let some people in on our big secret and begin making plans that have been on hold as a result of people not knowing (told you I was a control freak/planner/organizer).  I freaked out about telling people after the results on Tuesday, but after reflecting for a few days, I think we will still go ahead as planned, but we may caution them a bit as to me still being on shots, etc.  I'm going out on faith that things will continue to be ok with this baby and I'm making myself vulnerable by letting people know about the pregnancy.  This is scary for me because I am a private person (you wouldn't know it by what I share on my blog, but I am IRL) and DH and I get our support from strong Christians friends more than family.  In some ways I feel like I'm setting myself up to have to tell people if something does go wrong with the pregnancy, but at the same time, the God I believe in is bigger than all of that, so I'm stepping out in faith and saying whatever happens, He will see me through.