Quick Takes (30): Fear Edition

First of all, can I just say how much I love this blogging community!  The overwhelming response to my sleep help post amazed me.  So many of you had great suggestions and ideas.  DH and I are working on some of them.  I'll post a sleep update soon- with some videos that will crack you up-, but the short of it is we realized R has no method to soothe herself any more.  More in another post, but for today, Quick Takes- Fear edition.

--- 1 ---

Fear of the future:  I heard this catchy song on the radio yesterday, and it just reminded me so much of the fear I have surrounding the possible move and the lack of faith in God that fear represents in my life.  The lyrics just struck me:

This is only a mountain,
You don't have to find your way around it.
Tell it to move, it'll move
Tell it to fall, it'll fall
This is only a moment,
You don't have to let your fear control it.
Tell it to move, it'll move
Tell it to fall, it'll fall

The Bible tells is if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains.  I have faith in God to watch over me and protect me, so I need not fear about the future- right?  Thinking back, some of my fears were greatest as I waited to find my husband, and then, as I waited to see if we would ever have a child.  The fear of being single my whole life and being childless were the greatest fears I have experienced.  To those of you especially with those fears now, this song is for you.

--- 2 ---

Fear of monster class size:  I already have 12 students enrolled in the class I'm teaching.  This is before the placement exam where 100+ students will be tested and placed into the 4 levels.  I'm fearful I'll easily have a class of 30+.  I know this doesn't sound like much to those of you who are teachers, but our program is extremely intensive with lots of one-on-one feedback and help for students.  We are supposed to split classes once enrollment reaches 16, but I doubt that will happen because the resources (other teachers) and funding probably aren't available.  I'm just dreading the thought of all the prep time, or having to really change up how I teach the course (it's a speaking class).

--- 3 ---

Fear of a move: I realize I keep talking about this one, but it's so real and present for me right now.  DH got a phone call this week from a location in the Northwest asking if his name could be put on a list and considered for a possible move there.  (This is how everything started with the place in the Southeast.)  So now we have the SE with its more conservatism and my BFF, yet heat and humidity and then the NW with its liberalism, yet beautiful landscapes.  I think God could definitely be telling us a move is on the horizon!

--- 4 ---

Fear of change: With a move comes a lot of change...looking for a new place to live, new doctors, new school considerations, new routines, new commutes, new communities, new church, etc. One of the biggest things I fear is new scenery (I love the mountains here) and new weather.  I was reminded of how pleasant the weather is around here when our temps got down into the low 50s overnight last night (free air conditioning to cool the house down) with highs still in the 80s or 90s.  Seriously, I love the climate and landscape here.  The culture and people's attitudes...not so much, but daily it's so easy to be reminded of God's handiwork.  I know the same can be true in another place, but for some reason, the mountains just do so much for me.

--- 5 ---

Fear of being a bad parent: Not having a mother who was a good role model of a Christian parent, I worry that I will cause damage to R.  I pray that I will not do/say some of the awful/mean things that my mother did to me growing up.  The hardest area for me right now is with patience.  I'm not a patient person to begin with and lack of sleep certainly doesn't help the matter, but I'm trying to grow in patience and grace!

--- 6 ---

Fear of something happening to DH or R: Oh- this is probably my biggest fear at the moment.  That one or both of their lives would end too soon.  All the years I prayed and waited, and now have both a husband and a child.  Some days, it still feels like I'm living a dream.  I would hate for that to be cut short and am not sure I would know how to deal with it.  This is definitely an area I have to trust God in.

--- 7 ---

Yes, I realize some of these fears are more trivial than others.  The reality is, in my opinion, we all have fears- big and small. Time for me to go listen to the above song again!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Sleep Help/Advice Needed

Not for me...I sleep just fine when I do lay down....for the Little One.  I feel like DH and I, aka Rookie Parents, are the main reason we're having sleep difficulties with R.  We just don't know what to do, and we aren't always on the same page with what we should do.  We read the "Healthy Sleep Habits" book, which was good, but it is still a little confusing to me.

Here are the areas I'm unsure of. Maybe some of you experienced mamas or caregivers can chime in with your experience...pretty please?  Otherwise I'm afraid we're developing too many bad sleep habits.

Baby R. is 15 1/2 weeks old right now.  She's never been a huge sleeper (about 12-13 hours of sleep a day), but she was doing pretty well sleeping longer stretches over night (5-7 hours followed by another 2-3 with a feeding in between).  Then around 12-13 weeks, her nighttime sleep got really messed up some how.  She began waking 2-5 times at night instead of the 1.  I chalked it up to her 3 month growth spurt and fed her most of the times she woke up.  After a week or two of this, we realized she was no longer eating a lot, so we began to try and soothe her back to sleep some of the extra times she woke.  I thought we had broken her of that habit because we were back on the longer stretches for 1 week or so...until last night.  We lost track of how many times she woke up.

I think it's time to teach her to soothe herself back to sleep.  Where do I start?  I'm not a huge fan of the cry it out method, but DH is.

Also, to swaddle or not?  We've swaddled her since she was born, but how long do you keep swaddling?  She often times fights the swaddle when we put her in it at night, but once she's asleep, she seems to stay asleep longer in the swaddle.  Just to try something else, we used a sleep sack where her arms were free one night.  She likes sleeping with them over her head during the day time, so we thought maybe the swaddle was the problem with her nighttime waking.  She woke numerous times because she'd get her arms moving all around, so we said we still needed to swaddle at night.  What do you think?

Crib or swing?  She sleeps all the time in her crib at night.  During the day time, it's a mix between swing and crib.  The swing goes back to her reflux days, but she seems to be doing better with that (she's still on meds though).  DH is able to get her to nap in her crib really well during the day.  He's not home all the time, however, and I can hardly ever get her to nap in the crib.  She fights sleep when I try to soothe her and put her down.  She will literally scream and scream when I pick her up to go to sleep.  I used to be able to rock her and then put her in her swing or crib, but lately she won't even let me rock her.  (I think she'd rather be awake socializing than sleeping.)  What I've had to do lately is put her in the swing and just rock her to sleep that way.  The last few days she's taken extra long naps in her swing (2-3 hours), which I'm wondering if it's a factor in her not sleeping so well at night right now.  I feel like that's another bad habit we're developing.  Right now she's been sleeping for 2 hours in her swing (10am-12), and every time I peek in to check on her, she's stirring as if she's waking up.  She's even opened her eyes a few times and stretched.  Then she just goes back to sleep. Should we be putting a restriction on how long she naps and where she naps?  What do you think?

Pacifier or not?  We used to give her an orthodontic-shaped pacifier most times to help with the soothing to sleep.  It worked and she would usually spit it out shortly after she feel asleep.  I was having some problems with her nursing (biting and giving me blisters because of a poor latch), so we switched to the Soothies. They were recommended in the book we read about smooth transitions between breastfeeding and bottle feeding.  The latch did improve with the soothies, but she no longer likes to take them to help calm down for sleep.  She just spits them out of her mouth, if she even takes it at all.  She likes sucking on her hands, but they don't soothe her to sleep like a pacifier did.  Do we go back to the orthodontic ones?  What do you think?

Bed time?  This is another area we're struggling with. We tried putting her to bed earlier (7-8pm) when we noticed she started taking an early evening nap.  We figured that just meant she was tired and ready for an earlier bedtime (she had been going to sleep 10-11pm).  That didn't work.  She'd just wake for extra feedings.  We thought we found the magic time of 9-9:30pm to be laying her down, but you can only manipulate her schedule so much in the evening.  She can't stay awake for 2 hours, and usually needs to go down with 1- 1/2 hours of waking, so what happens if she wakes at 7pm?  We try to put her to bed at 8:30pm, but that doesn't work either.  Ahh...all the decisions make me go crazy.  I wish we just knew what to do.  And my motherly instinct isn't helping with ideas much.  What do you think? 

Any of the sleep areas you can weigh in on would be greatly appreciated!  Thanks in advance.
Sincerely,
Rookie Mama

Quick Takes (29)

--- 1 ---

I survived a week back at work after having been off for 16 weeks!  Wowzers.  It felt so weird to be back in the office and teaching.  Everything was the same as when I left it, but I felt so different.  I feel like I am such a different person, even though it's only been 3 1/2 months.  My focus is no longer on my work.  While I love my job, students, and colleagues, my priority and desire is to be at home with my little girl.  What an amazing, beautiful shift.  I never thought it would happen.

It was nice to help out with the workshop and get some new experience teaching graduate students who are preparing to be teachers.  It was so fun to have such highly motivated students, and it will be nice to have a sizable paycheck after not having one the whole summer!

--- 2 ---

Baby R. did fabulously staying home in the afternoon with DH.  That was a huge worry of mine, and she did better than expected.  I'd feed her right before I left, and she was OK sleeping and playing with DH.  She would take a small bottle of pumped milk from him (just 1- 1.5 oz) and then chow once I got home 4 hours later.  It was as if she knew I was gone.  The best part was she no longer fusses for him when taking a bottle.  We haven't tried having DH give her a bottle while I'm home yet, so I'm curious to see if her screaming and fussing comes back when she knows I'm here.  Still...she will eat a little bit while I'm gone, which brings me such relief.

--- 3 ---

We have our tickets booked to ATL for later next month.  (This is the trip where we'll be checking things out for a possible move.)  I'm actually feeling a little better about it...more at peace at the moment. After the initial shock and tears for 2 days after getting the phone call, I've spent a lot of time processing and reflecting on it all.  Where we live now (a minority amongst the Mormons) is definitely not a place I want Baby R. to grow up in.  I've started doing my research (housing is surprisingly cheap) and am warming up to the idea if we do have to move.  That doesn't mean I'll necessary like the process, but I'm trusting more that God knows what He's doing with our family.

--- 4 ---

I told my boss I'd be able to teach one class this upcoming fall.  (This is the one I was contemplating covering due to my colleagues cancer diagnosis). I agreed to teach the class before the possible move phone call came up, so I'm now regretting things a little bit, but I don't want to go back on my word at this point.  I'm just doing one class, which meets for 50 minutes 3x a week.  I think it will be manageable, and my DH is able to go into work late those 3 mornings I teach, so he'll watch Baby R while I'm away.  Then I'll come home and he'll go to work for the day.  It should work out fine; I'm just hoping it's not too early to go back.  But- it is only 15 weeks, so if it doesn't work or feel right, I'll say, "no thanks" for future teaching.  And we agreed to use some of my income to start a 529 plan for Baby R.

--- 5 ---

We went to a La Leche League event this week and scored some major deals!  It was a silent auction that served as the group's main fundraiser for the year.  There weren't a ton of people there (maybe just 20-30), so I knew I would have a good chance of getting some of the items I bid on.  And the starting prices were fabulous...$18 for a Moby Wrap!  Well...I got ALL the items I bid on!  An Ergo carrier, a Moby Wrap, a Boba Wrap (gift to give away), nursing tees, and a breastfeeding essentials pack from Earth Mama Angel Baby. I'm most excited to try the Ergo carrier.  That was the reason I went to the auction because I've been wanting to get one.  I should have bid on more items that didn't receive any bids (another Moby, cloth diapers), but I was trying to exercise restraint in spending.

--- 6 ---

My grandma turned 90 this week!  The whole family is celebrating with a party for her tomorrow.  I really wish I was able to be there to celebrate with her in person, but DH didn't have any more time off at the moment and I didn't want to travel home alone with the baby.  But- all 3 of us are hoping/planning to go in October to see her (she's R's only great-grandparent), take pictures, etc.  Airfare is currently atrocious, so I'm hoping it goes down soon.

--- 7 ---

Woke up yesterday to this beautiful sunrise.  I love how the rays seem to go on forever in the sky, and the sun hasn't even peaked out from behind the mountains yet.  It was a beautiful, "Good morning" from God sight!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

God's Love

I heard this song while I was driving in the car yesterday.  It got me a little choked up.  You see...I have a hard time grasping God's love for me.  His love is unconditional, and yet, I think about it as a conditional love.  That's the only thing my human little mind can understand. 

I had the hardest time grasping His love for me during the darkest of my IF days.  It was as if I thought I should be rewarded as evidence of how much God loves me or how "good" of a person I was.  Problem was (and still is), God doesn't function under a reward system.  He doesn't just give out babies or heal sicknesses because we are "good."  I don't know His rationale for allowing some people to suffer such despair, while it seems as if others coast through life.  But I do know that His love for each of those, is exactly the same- totally, completely, and fully loved are they.  And me.  And you.

During the darkest of our days and the most joyous, His love for us is there.  It never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.  And because of that great love for me (us), I'll never have to be afraid (lyrics from song in italics).

And so as I think about an unknown future, a visit to a new place far out of my comfort zone next month, and a potential move, I'm reminded that I need not fear.  God (and His love) remain with me.

May you be reminded of that love today.

"One Thing Remains" by Kristian Stanfill

My Crazy, Hectic Life

I took/am taking an unexpected blogging break.  I didn't plan on it; it has just happened.  Life is absolutely crazy at the moment.  Here's what is going on:

We had company in town over the weekend that we first met in Russia last summer.  They were traveling the US and wanted to come visit.  It was so great to reconnect with them and hear how things are going in Siberia with some of the men and women we met one year ago.  We loved seeing them, but it meant a full 3 days of cooking and entertaining, sharing American culture and food with them- something I absolutely love to do, but find more of a challenging with an infant at home.

Then the same night they left, the MIL and SIL arrived from Texas.  They are visiting this whole week, which is fine, but Baby R seems to be on edge with extra people in the house, and the in-laws haven't exactly volunteered to take care of her much.  Although I'm not sure she would even let them at the moment since she seems to have a little bit of stranger anxiety.

Add to the mix a 3 month growth spurt that seems to be going on for days and days- we regularly have 8-10 feedings a day right now.  She's never done that!

Her sleep is also currently a mess.  She woke up 9 times last night...a new record, and not one we want to be setting.  She took OK naps early in the day yesterday, and then last night, every time we put her down, she'd sleep for 15-30 minutes and then wake up.  We'd repeat putting her down, she'd fall asleep for a short time, then wake up again...9:30, 10:30, 11:00, 11:15, 11:30, 12:45, 4:30, 6:30, and 7:30.  We did feed her at 9:30, 12:45, 4:30, and 7:30, but seriously, what is going on with her sleep?  Each time she woke up and we heard her, she was just chatting away.  Little Miss Social Butterfly would rather talk than sleep.  And to think, she was going so good last week sleeping a long stretch (5-7 hours), followed by another stretch (of 2-4 hours).  This Momma (and Daddy) needs some serious sleep.

And then things hit the fan of craziness last night...we got home to a message on our answering machine.  It was a request for DH and I to visit a church for possible employment for him.  We both got a pit in our stomach that doesn't seem to have left.  Now the call wasn't a total surprise since he has had 2 phone interviews with this parish, but we kept passing it off as not the right place or not the right time to move.  We didn't think that he would be their top candidate choice.  So in our free time- when his mother and sister aren't around- we've been trying to discuss where we feel the Spirit is leading us.  And let me just say neither of us wants to move.  We haven't been seeking to leave this place, and yet we realize we have been here a long time- he's been here 11 1/2 years and I've lived here 8 1/2 years.  We definitely have put down our roots, yet we've always known a move would occur some time down the road, but I was thinking it'd be another 1-3 years off.  I didn't think we could be facing that decision so soon.

And we may still be here another few years.  That's the hard part.  There is so much unknown right now.  Here's what I do know...they want us to come visit within the next few weeks.  I told DH to just go, but he and they want me (and Baby R then) to come along.  So we're looking at a 4 hour plane ride with an infant for the 1st time.  Should be interesting.  And yet, we don't feel like we can just say no without visiting.  We really need to go and visit, meet the people, see the church, before we feel like we have an answer.  That's just how the process works.

I'm already making a pros and cons list in my mind.  The location (in the Southeast/South...not sure which it is considered) is one that neither of us are crazy about.  We're not big heat and humidity fans, and have grown to love the West with it's mountains, dry climate, and four seasons.  Now, I'm a Midwest girl, and I'd even take the Midwest over the Southeast.  That's just my preference.  The location isn't ideal, except for the fact that my BFF (R's Godparents) lives 20 minutes away.  I can't imagine being that close to her and her family.  There would be so many more opportunities for Christian growth and fellowship- MOPS groups to attend, private preschools and schools we could send R to, Bible studies with like-minded women my age, etc.  And yet, the thought of having to pack up a house and move with an infant, just does not sound like fun. I just want to be at home, be a mom and a wife and enjoy what I've waited and longed so long for.

Most likely, a move would occur before the end of 2012.  We'd have to put our things in storage and live in an apartment until our house here sold.  Then we'd be house-hunting and buying another home, starting a new mortgage (we only have 10 years left on ours here), etc.  It's not anything that I want to do (but is life as a believer more about what I want, or what God wants/calls me to do?)

And yet...I wonder if God is challenging both of us to step out in faith...to trust Him, even when- no, especially when- things don't make sense to our human minds.  Perhaps we have gotten too comfortable with our lifestyle and home here.  Maybe it's time to be shaken up a bit?  Ugh...so scary and hard.  I've been crying off and on all day today just thinking about what might be ahead.  And this could not be the place for us.  That's the reality, but my sense is, we're being prepared for a move in the near future, even if it's not this one, I feel a move somewhere is coming.

And then there are the little signs that have been coming along the way that I've tried to push out of my mind or discredit because I didn't want to feel them...the feeling that maybe a move was coming right after we finished all our home repairs, the tears that came after we finished painting the nursery with my dad and feeling like we wouldn't be here to see R grow up in that room that he helped prepare, the thought that it might not matter that my Napro Dr. is on sabbatical for a year because I may not still be living here, the hesitancy to return to work, and so on.

Oh...my heart is scared, and nervous, and worried, and full of sadness, and yet, through it all, I know deep down in my heart, we will be ok.  Our God is for us, not against us, and we have each other...our little family.  Is it just a coincidence that Baby R was full of smiles, giggles, and sounds last night when DH and I were so down/in a state of shock?

So, that's where my crazy life is at.  I'll be back blogging in a bit...probably once the in-laws leave.  Right now, though, my head is so full of thoughts related to a possible move, I need to keep processing and praying through it.  That's how I work, and that's what this space is for, so thanks for reading my mess of thoughts, if you made it this far.