Make-Believe Adulthood

Wow, I haven't posted in a month. I didn't even realize it was that long. I read everyone's posts, for the record, but I have been awful about commenting, too, partly because whenever I try to write stuff (or like, speak, for that matter), it seems mushy.

I'm having food issues and sleep issues currently, so that's pretty much...there. I have been getting enough sleep, usually, but it's at wacky times. So, like, yesterday I went to sleep at eight p.m. and then woke up at one a.m.

And then I made blueberry muffins at two o'clock in the morning. As one does. (Look, the blueberries were ready to go off, and I didn't want to freeze them, so...muffins! It made sense.)

And then I was going to make candies at around eight this morning, but we're out of dishwasher tabs, and the dishwasher's full of dirty dishes because of the muffins, and I don't want to make a mess I can't clean up. So I'll get dishwasher tabs later, and then I will make candies. I was told that you can make marshmallow fluff with honey instead of corn syrup, and I don't know if that's true, but I'm going to find out. If it works, I'll do half marshmallow-filled chocolate cups and half peanut butter. If not, they'll be all peanut butter.

(There is other stuff I'd rather make, really, but I'm out of white sugar now, and at least I can use powdered for the candies.)

I keep making this stuff and not eating it, so that's fun. But other people will eat it. I think.

I decided I need a project, also, because I am always bored and can't really manage to do much right now. I was going to make a climbing thing for the cats, but I can't get any scrap wood at the moment. So I think I'm going to go through and scan all my photos. That will take a while, and I'm not totally sure if it'll be good or terrible for my mental health, but it's something I've been meaning to do for years anyway.

It's almost six in the morning. I haven't slept. I can't sleep. I'm not even sure if I want to sleep. I'd been doing well managing my insomnia/wacky sleep cycles for a while, but it's been slowly creeping up on me again. It's exhausting, funnily enough, to keep up on trying to get enough sleep. So, here we are.

I'm still basically lost, and struggling so much, with general life stuff. It's to where I don't even want to write about it, because it ends up sending me into a panic attack whenever I give it that much thought. I said earlier today that I'm upset because of this knowledge that my life is never, ever going to turn out the way I always wanted it to, and I was going to say that sums it up, but it doesn't, really. I never "always wanted" anything. I never had dreams, not really, not in a way where I ever let myself feel like that stuff would happen. It just seemed obvious that I wasn't going to have nice things, for whatever definition of "nice." But maybe I did let myself hope, even when trying not to, I don't know. I wish I knew what I wanted, but I'm not even sure if it matters anymore.

And I'm just going round and round, and it's not going to help. It would be cool if I could sleep, but...you know. That'll happen eventually, if I wait long enough.

In other news, my laptop speaker was not working for months and months, and I never had money to take it in, but it appears to have just decided to work again as of an hour ago. I'm not letting myself get my hopes up with this, either -- I'm fairly convinced it won't last -- but it would be nice if it keeps up. Especially since my headphones recently died, and I can't find another set.

We picked up the puppies today. They are ridiculously adorable. And tiny. They're only five weeks old, apparently, and someone just dropped them at the shelter. I guess they're from Kentucky and spent all day in a car, so they were super excited to run around and play. My dog met them and decided she doesn't want to be bothered with them, but she's old and the young'uns make her grumpy, so that was pretty much what I expected.

I've been in a pretty shitty mood otherwise, so I am just focusing on puppies again. Because they are awesome.

Does anybody want a DW invite code?

Realized I've got somewhere around 20 of them, and figured I'd ask my flist before doling them out to strangers (which I'll do next).

I am so fucking done.

Kevin lost his job today.

Now we have zero income.

Maybe he can find something else soon.

Maybe not.

Seriously, fuck everything.

So, last time I went two years between posts, and this time it's not even been a whole year. (Almost! But not quite!) So I suppose that's...progress of some sort.

I am thinking of starting to update here again (semi-)regularly. But right now it's just "thinking." This is partly because I stopped keeping a paper journal, and now I end up typing up crap in TextEdit and then immediately deleting it. So why not pretend like people care about the crap I type up, and have it saved in some form, instead? The other part is simply that I know it would make Rach very happy. And I didn't get her a Christmas present last year. There is that.

So: considering. However, it seems like very few people on my flist actually bother with LJ anymore. If you're reading this, chances are good that you're one of the few, but I wonder how few it is. I don't think it matters either way, but I'm curious.

For the record, I'm more or less OK most days. Unemployed and looking again (as ever, I guess) and trying to deal with a slew of issues that seem omnipresent, but otherwise OK.

Well. I haven't written anything here in . . . three years? Has it really been that long? I guess so.

I'm not sure if anyone will even read this, but okay.

I don't know that I'll ever write anything in here again, either, after this. I just neglected this journal for so long and then kept feeling weird every time I tried to write something (or e-mail someone). I lost access to my e-mail address, multiple times, which is a long boring story but basically my domain hosting kept getting canceled because my host wouldn't send me any bills and I kept forgetting about it and not paying for months on end, and then they'd shut it off, and then I'd e-mail them about it and they'd turn it back on, but then it would happen again, and again, and finally I just forgot to renew the domain. So I eventually forgot the password for this account and kept not having access to the e-mail address for it -- but I did manage to get it reset before I lost my domain.

. . . and probably that made no sense, I don't know. Regardless, I was just missing some people who might read this, so I wanted to say hi. Or something. (And I know there are, like, three or so people who have this journal friended, people who I met IRL originally who I never added back because I wasn't really updating by that point -- but. I miss you guys, too. I'm not adding your journals now because most likely I won't log in to this account again, but I do want to know how you are.)

Anyway. If you want a short update on my life over the past three years, I will provide that. (If you read Rach's journal, you probably know all this already, and in greater detail, but whatever.) I'm living in Pittsburgh again, I'm somehow still in school, and I got married almost a year ago.

Beyond that, I don't know. I'm kind of overwhelmed and have been for a while, but I do want to get back in touch with people who used to be really good friends. Like I said, I very much doubt that I'll be posting here again after this -- I might get a new journal eventually, but right now I just don't have the time or the energy for it. That said, I would really, really love to get back in touch with anyone who's reading this.

People have finally corrupted me into getting a myspace, and there's a small chance that I might pay attention to it, so you can contact me there -- dosidella because I'm not very creative -- or you can e-mail me at permockable at gmail, or just leave a comment here. I don't know if anyone remembers me or wants to hear from me, but I guess we'll see. (And that sounds whiny, but I just mean that it's been a LONG time.)

So, yeah. Hi.