Stages of Grief

From the last post till now.. its just 3 months ago..

But things has changed!  Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in mid August, and mastectomy was done in early September. Initially, it was stage 2 when it first diagnosed with mammogram and biopsy.  But, after the surgery they said its stage 4, mets to bone and possibly liver.  She has difficulty in breathing, either due to pleural effusion or possibly mets to lung as well.

She has changed so much! From the active her, in just less than 3 months, she became so weak and thin.  She is unable to perform her usual activities as she is always breathless, even ADLs also she can't met up to it. She is very depressed (i guess), whatever I told her to do she just refused.  It seems she has gave up on it.  I felt bad, because I told her after operation will be alright, but it turns out to be the other way.  I could feel the whole world is coming down upon me.  My dad and brother said that why did she want to do the surgery, and why I will allow her to do to so, ended up being so weak now.  I am sad and at the same time, I did not what to do. Each day she is getting weaker and weaker... She went in ICU for almost 4 days post surgery due to difficulty in breathing, admitted twice again post surgery due to difficulty in breathing as well.  She is dependent on the oxygen very much and very breathless on every movement. 

What a hard life God has given her.  She told me she wanted to go to Singapore end of the year earlier, and I told her to just go and I will give her the money.  She even said that she wanted to go China.. But now, she is unable to go already.  We were from a poor family, and she has to work her life for us.  Even before she was diagnosed with breast ca, she was still working.  I told her not to work as I can support  her, but she said that she doesnt want to burden me, as I have my own family too.  She told me she is still able to do so.  I even offered her to come and stay with me, but she refused either.  I told her that I am better off and financially quite stable now, but she told me that to keep for the little one.

I reminisced on the days how busy am I, ignoring most of her calls.  I wished that she could still call me and talk like last time.  This is not the same anymore, each call to her is just barely 2 minutes.  She will tell me she is breathless.  I told her to be strong and fight against it, she said yes she will but the fact is she is giving up on her life. 

The 5 stages of grief reflects deeply to us...(Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance)

For mom: I think she is the depression stage.  She must have thought that after the surgery she will be alright.  But at the moment, not even medication or chemotherapy or radiotherapy is feasible for her.  She is too weak for all this.  She talks very less to me nowadays as well, whatever I told her, she just nodded.

For dad: He is still in anger stage.   He is still scolding everyone esp mom as she accepted the surgery.  He insisted that if she has not gone for the surgery, she will be better than now.  He is angry with whatever methods or solutions that I provided to mom. 

For me: I am in the bargaining stage a lot.  I am bargaining with God, to prolong her life with being a vegetarian.  Or I will love her more and will never ignore her calls, visit her more often.  I am still in this stage very much.

I cant image what life will be if without her.  I will miss all her cookings and voice, smile and advice.  I will miss someone who will listen to all my grumbles, and sadness.  I will miss someone who cares a lot about me and my little one.  At one end, I hope that all her sufferings will end soon, but I didnt want her to leave us...  I am very much regret that she has worked her life for us, but has no life to enjoy it.  If given me another chance, I will take care of her even before all this happens...  But she has done mammogram each year, and this year she just found the lump! The lump within a year has grown so big, and cost a life.  She takes all the precautions, but it still happens.  She wants to avoid it, but still has it. I know at this moment prolonging her life is very hard, i do not believe that miracle do happens.. I hope and will do my best to walk with her along this last journey of life...

PeiNee.

Farm in The City on 19 months old!

Its' been a while for this blog to set on idle again.. 

Here it comes again..

Throwing back how we spend the raya weekend, on a half day trip to Farm in The City, Seri Kembangan.

It is AWESOME-ness for baby JH to spend his day there.  Being a city boy since birth, this is the first time he set down his feet and hands to the animals and the sun so happily.

Being a mom, it is none the less that I am blessed to see him loving the mother nature:)

 

 JH is touching the lil chick! *He was being very careful while doing so*

  

 JH's first time seeing a real rabbit and feeding it!

 

JH is with a billy goat! :)

A parrot species is climbing onto him!

 

 JH the lil adventurer, aka farm boy!

 

JH's farm boy aka boss look @ home sweet home!

Well, growing up and today, 27 July, he is 19months and 16 days old! Still looking as a baby as ever..

Achievements unlocked:

1) Able to comprehend two syllabus words eg, mama mum mum, bag kai kai..

2) Got about 16 milk teeths, 8 top and 8 bottom (well, I'm not so sure as he is never letting me see his teeth or brush it)

3) Trying to mimic singing songs eg. Row row your boat, twinkle twinkle little star, old mcdonald, if you are happy

(He can mimic all the actions as the songs were playing)

4) Able to eat everything now, but super choosy! Fav food: chicken, strawberry (only sweet ones), apple (only crunchy ones), dragon fruits

5) Super fussy at cleanliness, some dirt on the floor also cannot stand.  He will take a rug and clean it up. Sometimes, when eating, there are some fell off onto his high chair table also cannot.

Well, I am a very contented mom for having JH around!

Till then~

 

Post CNY - Goatie Year!

This year CNY wasn't a good one for all three of us!! :(

We all went back to hub's place - Kluang on Monday (28th Lunar Calendar).  Baby Jean was just recovering from his colds.  So I thought well, thats great.. Just before new year, he is off sick! 

What went bad, his flu came back the very next day. Then coupled with coughs and fever on 30th Lunar day! At about 11pm, before I sleep, I check on him again.  He was hot on his head and super cold on his whole body.  Then he started crying!... I asked him why and he said, "nen nen".  So I offered him nen nen and I can feel that he was like shivering?or is it fitting?

Quickly, i get Calv to check on him again..And both of us were afraid that he is fitting. *Prevention is better than cure* Quickly, we rushed him to the general hospital as there is no other big hospital that I would trust..

The doctor then ordered serial blood test and asked us to do tepid sponge on the lil poor boy.  Waited for a good 3 hours, and the result came out as high WBC!! oh my.. and the doctor said that since he just completed the antibiotics a week ago, we need him to be warded for IV antibiotics. *on new year??!!??*  After all my justification with the doctor, we decided to bring Jean home.

Gave him much liquids, Ribena, water, antibiotics and all.  And finally fever was down...

On first day of new year...He was still having low grade fever, poor boy. *see his tongue, sticking out, having sore throat still* 

Visited my parents, didnt want him to forget how ah kong looks like in future, so I took this picture. *the best I can, as dad doesnt like photographs, will try more next round!!*

Visited FGS Klang, and my lil Jean doesnt like outdoor activities as usual...Naughty boy! *Note his frowning face being unsatisfied*

Finally, a picture of us!

His recent look - 18 March 2015 @ 15mo 6days.  Suddenly, I think he has think down so much after all the sickness and now having a miserable nanny.  

Till then, will talk more next round on the miserable nanny when I found a replacement.

Cheers

PN

19/3/2015 - 4pm