postgarf

:: furry weekend atlanta ::

Wed, 30 Apr 2025 04:56:58 GMT

so, i'm going to FWA! it's fucking epic. i've spec'd out a camcorder with a wide angle lens and an infrared floodlight for night time activities, and hopefully my little movie for that will have some better pacing than the one i've been trying to make with my house. moving in has been cool, but it's very very slow. progress is not easily traceable on any medium because it's mostly change without and end, so things are moved back and forth to see what sticks. that said, FWA has a cemented date and time frame, i'll be there on the 9th to the 11th, but i'm seeing if i could or should go early-early in the morning friday (super late thursday night?) to avoid traffic or just go ham hock full fisted into it when my friend's plane arrives. that sounds like a horrible idea, but i'm considering everything.

i also think i need new shoes??? like my shoes aren't really "presentable" i'd say, but idk if that's really a big issue or not? i might be taking videos and pictures with them, so maybe but honestly i don't know in the slightest.

this is the first time i'm going to a con, like, ever. shit's fuckin neat as hell. hopeful!

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:: posting preferences ::

Sun, 13 Apr 2025 20:47:14 GMT

i find it kind of weird how i really don't feel comfortable posting anywhere except for maybe here and the webleague, even though i really much prefer this place simply out of novelty. bluesky just feels like, too open? like everything is already being spoken and i have very little to add to the waterfall of voices, so i don't really say anything. webleague is a strange batch though, because while it mainly comprises of the people i knew from cohost it's nothing like cohost except maybe the themes they provide. it's basically mastodon, and thinking about how it's basically mastodon is like,, ouuuughgh. mastodon is not really It. there's some deeply fundamental wedge that has shoved itself between me and actually using mastodon and i don't know what it is. i miss the ability to tag things in a repost to add my own little commentary, i miss having my own little corner that wasn't occupied by the type of people who use their real names and faces on the internet (even though that isn't in any way the actual problem), and i miss the creativity in the medium of posting itself, that you were allowed through HTML and CSS and just seeing all the things people made and the little things i could make myself.

i miss cohost a lot. it let me come out of my shell, more than i was ever typically comfortable with. what's left is somewhere between crude simulacra and nothing of the sort. no longer made for me, no longer with that deeply passionate spirit at the heart of things, with far out intentions of revolutionary change in the fundamentals of how everything *could* work; now? it's just different riffs on Twitter. twitter but again, mastodon, mastodon but invite-only, and places like here, basically.

it never could have worked long term, or it could have held on for just a little longer and saw a boost in users after another trainwreck on X, T/h./e E/very/thi/ng/ ,A.pp, but now that it's gone i know exactly what i'm missing.

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:: reminiscing the ol' 'host ::

Sat, 12 Apr 2025 04:53:45 GMT

i miss cohost because i have implanted the behavior of being able to make little silly side commentary through silent tags to make my reposts more personalized, and it was something i also loved seeing from other people and like its just gone now i don't see anything like that at all anymore

tumblr kinda has this i think, but its really not the same in spirit. so many features gone from my life. gone

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:: i never forgot! ::

Thu, 03 Apr 2025 21:06:46 GMT

i've been kind of dreading making a post here cuz i've just been really busy taking everything in from slowly getting this house moved out/into. so i'll just have a quickie posted here and update my dump blog with some new links. do you think yall would like things like... low viewcount youtube videos from pre-y2k13?? would that be interesting??? idk i might branch out a little bit. i have a lot of backlog but again i've just been b u s y

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:: new link-dump ::

Thu, 06 Mar 2025 04:56:43 GMT

https://pre-y2k13-dump.dreamwidth.org/
this is just a place i'm going to be posting random links to places and videos i find from over 11 years ago, because i've found the magic number for something to start being "nostalgic" is about 11 years for most things. the actual "thing" started about 3-4 years ago, and i'll probably be posting more of my backlog, but you constantly find interesting stuff nonetheless On-Line. so, i'm just gonna post and not worry about it. req stuff if you want

-- mxxrk

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Sun, 23 Feb 2025 06:41:49 GMT

a "little thought" i've had over the years is that i've always had an interest in homes where the slant of the roof makes it's way into the walls. it seems like the way that forces spaces to become tighter and cozier, it just seems really neat. i've never really been in a house with a slanted roof, or a roof with enough slant to meet with the wall near eye level, but i've seen many pictures of them. just kinda neat!

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:: one week ::

Mon, 10 Feb 2025 04:49:24 GMT

in about one week, i will finally move. or rather, the person in my house is moving out, but i am gonna try and get in as soon as possible. i am very excited, so have some neat pictures.

(click to enlarge)

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:: i fr🞵cking love dariacore ::

Sat, 25 Jan 2025 05:49:47 GMT

there's something about dariacore where i can only express it in negative language despite really loving it and listening to it constantly; probably as a result of being really into mashups when i was younger and all the negative ironic-enjoyment joking language they use to talk about everything. but it's just really silly and nice and basically EVERYTHING on EVERY album is catchy and clever in some regard. it drives me crazy. i have gotten several stim phrases from them such as "living with my bitches hashtag live" and there's jusT SO MUCH GOIGN ON IT'S SO SILLY

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Tue, 21 Jan 2025 00:20:36 GMT

i had not really understood or known the real definition of doomscrolling before now; but i have very much been doomscrolling for the past little bit. absolutely fucking dreadful it is, no?

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Sun, 19 Jan 2025 05:02:19 GMT

this is more and more becoming easier and easier to use. my old cohost tools still work so i can post like i used to; i also added Atkinson Hyperlegible to my page to make it a little easier on the eyes ;)

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:: ellasis iom da kolero de la mundo ::

Mon, 13 Jan 2025 01:18:22 GMT

bsky oficiale aliformiĝis en deprimigo al mi; nepre tiel, sed tamen sorto trista. afiŝo post afiŝo enhavantaj la samaj malbonaj pensoj, ke rondiras en mia propra cerbo senĉese. por ĉiuj de la retenhavo tie, ĝi ne havas la graveco, ke mi volus kontribui al ĝi laŭvice.

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:: but im still waiting ::

Mon, 06 Jan 2025 16:46:55 GMT

still waiting on my house, but i've had some dinners with friends recently, and that was quite fun. im still recording video for it but i don't know "where" to post it while remaining kind of closed-off and private while still not like linking to my greater-world i guess? i don't know. we'll find all that out in due time i suppose.

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:: wtf is a kink meme ::

Sat, 14 Dec 2024 17:54:07 GMT

when i first joined dreamwidth, i encountered something referred to as a "kink meme," which i very much did not even begin to understand the context of what that meant. most of my time in the 201X era everything of internet history i spent on youtube and in like furry spaces (still do but now it's Post-Cohost Baby!), and didn't think that something as broad sounding as a "kink meme" would be it's own thing enough for me to google, so i simply ignored it. that is until i stumbled upon a Newly Released™ Strange Eons video titled The History & Biology of Omegaverse, which itself opened several cans of different worms and answered several questions about a totally unrelated thing i had no idea of (omegaverse ??) and apparently kink memes are kinda like bouceback posts for making fan-works out of shipping people! and that's a lot more simple than i thought it would be! but i just thought it'd be nice to document that for myself. there's probably a little more going on with that than i'm describing here but i just found it interesting. genuinely thought they were making memes out of kinks or something in some esoteric hard to parse way tbh.

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:: moving ::

Thu, 12 Dec 2024 00:51:41 GMT

pretty soon, probably a month or two after the holidays, i'm going to be moving out from the place i've lived in for a solid 22 years to a house of my own. well like, not entirely my own, cuz i'm gonna be living with people as well and doing some other shit, but *not* living with my parents, and i think that's gonna be really nice and cool. i had a friend come to me talking about wanting to live with me and renting an apartment in order to split rent with her bf 3 ways, and i was like "wait my dad died i'm gonna be able to live at *his* house if i don't need to sell it because oh my fucking god everything happening rn" and it'd probably be cheaper than an apartment anyway (depending on Factors)

my dad's gf has been living there in the meantime because she took a lot of care of him in his dying days, but now that she has mostly everything progressed from that to her own place with her family n stuff and since i'm trying to start some maker-ing things with furniture building and wood working, i need some ***actual fucking space*** over being holed up in this cramped little office room. i find it *absolutely exhilarating,* i don't really even have the words to describe how excited i am. like even with the aforementioned "oh my fucking god everything happening rn" unspeakable horror of impending Usonian bullshit to come and everything, i have been given this privilege that *many* people do not have, and i am ideally going to be able to make the most of it and commit to the shit that I ACTUALLY FUCKING WANT TO DO instead of being locked in this purgatory of inaction and wilt that i've felt ever since high school. i am just, incredibly excited. the past few months of my life have been pretty fucking cool and shit and like, wow. hope i don't fuck this up or become Worse or something. i'm hopeful though. like, overall. one can only hope

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Sun, 08 Dec 2024 12:32:14 GMT

something that i've been on-and-off thinking about is that, i hear people talking about being authentic online, but i could never under any circumstances be whole and true online with anyone. i don't think that's something that exists. you would have to be like, a little too primarily integrated of a person to have that be a realistic goal to have. i think i'm gonna have to segregate various parts of me into different boxes for the rest of my life. well, that kinda sucks.

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Sat, 07 Dec 2024 07:34:23 GMT

don't you hate it when a friend says something totally innocuous to you (at least i hope) where your brain makes it 1000 times worse and it just eats away at you and you don't know how to respond and it's too much and too personal but also kinda basic and it just cuts you down like a tree for the rest of the night? well, that just happened to me, and i think im gonna try to go to sleep instead of thinking about it, but that's probably not gonna be enough. ugh.

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Thu, 05 Dec 2024 20:32:41 GMT

im really excited to get an instax camera for my birthday, i've always wanted an instant film camera that wasn't totally eugh, this is gonna be a fun little thing!

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:: attention and action ::

Thu, 05 Dec 2024 03:41:13 GMT

getting home from school, i reenter my typical malaise, not getting enough sleep, not having taken any meds just due to habitually forgetting them (nothing very serious), and i am shown a video algorithmically from a Jared Henderson, Why We Can't Focus - Amusing Ourselves to Death; i shortly wake from my anhedonic stupor, realizing i've already been sitting in my computer chair for 2 hours without getting much of anything done watching random retrospectives and tier lists for the past hour and a half about things i mostly don't have any strong opinions on. the new video, placed before me by an indescribable force of computing power no single person can see or comprehend, focuses on various things ranging from a history of media literacy, convenience culture, smart phone access, but another piece of it's puzzle is directly "media access", i.e., how things like social media and content distribution networks, to even our devices, are orchestrated in a way to maximize our time spent passively consuming content.

it is certainly not a new idea to me, but i think the video has a good enough presentation of it's ideas that it deserves to be shared. it's not overly long, keeps your attention with good narration, etc, but i guess even that overview runs counter to it's underlying message. it did make me feel a little better in my pursuit of not being hopelessly addicted to youtube but i mean, nya...

and also i want his old man glasses. they look good.

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:: december ::

Sun, 01 Dec 2024 10:51:07 GMT

oh god it's December, which is actually kind of a nice thing but like, TIME OUGH

i've always actually been quite a fan of the winter-months. i've said in jest that i have reverse-seasonal-depression but like actually, being down south and having really bad seasonal allergies in the spring and summer with some actual relief in the fall and winter, along with all the holidays and it being socially acceptable to listen to oldfangled music everywhere, it's actually kinda nice. i think it's good to just turn on some late night npr, when they play all their jazz stuff, and look out the window at the cars passing one after another. cold is always better than hot, at least when "cold" is 50°F (10°C) and not like, -40, or something. although i guess you can always put more clothes on. baking in your own house is not fun tho. once i move it'll be even cooler, although that seems like it's both pushed further back and pulled ever forwards at the same time.

fun fact: you can lie to yourself and say things are good and fine even when they're not, and it'll be like, not as bad! kinda? kinda! fun fact with mark. just something i've been thinking about lately.

i've also been super emotional the past few days due to... some technically fun stuff, but it's like weird i might write about it later :3c

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:: minidump ::

Fri, 29 Nov 2024 23:12:37 GMT

random things i've made that i like and htat i have time to post rn before i go to
Thanks Giving 2: RevengencE

(click to enlarge)

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:: page update ::

Fri, 29 Nov 2024 22:45:35 GMT

yeah i'm just gonna post like nobody's watching i think. it'll be good for me! probably. :P

LET ME SEE YA TOUCH THE GROU-G-GROU-GROUuuu

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:: drawing ::

Thu, 28 Nov 2024 08:47:40 GMT

this is more of a ventpost than anything, just so i can tell myself i have a place to put my shitty feelings about art and stuff, because i have been really struggling with it lately. it's good to blog and write anyways. getting your thoughts out there, letting people (often in silence) dissect your brain and see what's wrong with you. good.

i really wish i could click into the same stream other ADHD people have for art and making stuff. whenever i pick up a pen or open my tablet laptop (separate to the one i posted here) i am filled with some kind of dread. it's not really like, true dread, (for what is there to even be afraid of, it's not like i'd show anyone outside my little clique), but for lack of a better term, it's just a repeated deep disinterest from experiencing that painful disappointment of luring anything out of my head into the world to express my ideas clearly. i've always been more of a "writing" guy, i used to have back and forths with people about philosophy near constantly when i was in high school, and that lead to a pretty big interest in reading and writing, despite never really being able to conquer purposeful, deliberate "reading" of anything that wasn't disgustingly captivating. but, i don't have the same je ne sais quoi of mark fisher's cybernetic critical writing-turned-blogging-turned-writing, i don't really know how to craft a captivating narrative, i don't really know a lot about or have any instinct in storytelling in general (i wrote something for by boyfriend once, and that came and went like a drop in a bucket); i guess i just have a really difficult time convincing myself to do anything. the normal reinforcements people have for their hobbies i just don't have in my brain, i feel nothing when making something unless i am experiencing an intense underlying emotion to supplement it (typically some kind of mania or thirst if you get me), but i've never actually liked anything i've made. none of it really makes me happy, and i can't get into the habit of working it under any circumstance.

i've been trying drawabox, which is basically a "free online drawing course", but i don't think that's for me either. or i should say, i've technically gotten through lesson one, but i don't want to pay for someone to advise my "homework". they say in the course that you shouldn't be getting caught up in the skill of the work you're doing because you're a beginner, but already being able to see the problems of what i'm doing, compounded with the fact that i'm not really a fan of (see: vehemently loathe and hate with all of my being) working with physical medium stuff, is just. ouughhgg. my biggest problem with drawabox though is that it has some pretty awful rhetoric for me, i spent about 2 weeks reading and rereading the lesson 0 scripts, the motivation underlying what my expectations should be and what it is, and it all just made me feel terrible. i came in the gate with some high-low standards. i wanted to learn how to do 3d shapes better (because everything is kinda shapes!) mostly out of a desire to work on realizing some of the many OCs i have without filtering them through both the barrier of language and the interpretations of other people, but those expectations were kind of shattered as i impatiently expected to rush through to the "good parts", but basically all of it is exercise and exercise and exercise and be consistent and killing the notion of "success". that last part is like, mega ass to me, because i find absolutely nothing enjoyable or valuable without it directly hooking my brain up with some kind of dopaminergic, serotonergic rush. results are the only thing i can really even enjoy from it, i find the entire process from top to bottom to just be painful on a level that i can't really even describe. it's like every part of my body loathes doing this, and this one solace i had of getting something from it, just puffs into smoke.

so basically that's what i've been doing since my last post, the little suffering, the little death, la petite mort. oh well, i guess i'll keep trying, even though it's shit. i still don't really have an answer for the drawabox thing though, i'll probably give up doing that if i'm not struck by some divine fortitude to sway my mortal soul in somehowelseway (A.K.A. someone telling me to) (because lord knows i wouldn't have the internal motivation to breathe if it wasn't built into my physiology) :P

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dream on dreamwidth

Thu, 10 Oct 2024 10:34:04 GMT

I just woke up from a very strange dream. it was like a combination of a dark empty school with my Gran's old house, and I was living there with my parents but i was moving away. my dad was there, and it was like we were packing up to leave forever. i was the same age i am now but i could drive and stuff, without a license and illegally. it was as if my Gran's house was a piece of the college. at the end, i had everything in my red bmw and i was getting ready to leave to somewhere. it was raining a calm heavy rain. i just remember standing under the school's canopy, with the car packed and ready right in front of me, thinking to myself and not knowing what comes next.

it wasn't spooky as much as it was haunting and viscerally real, despite it's very present unreality and the parts and pieces that i was aware were being combined together, fading in and out of my perception; it was all one space in that time. it was like time weaving itself together in this one house, like some episode of Sapphire and Steel, where all these people and places and memories coalesced into one, looking through boxes of toys and books and magazines and photographs, and i was leaving it behind. escaping?

it was like everyone came back to say goodbye one last time

and i remember waking up like, what? what did it mean

i just remember the door locking behind me for the last time, how everything was orange and red and warm, seeing through the glass door to the inside, and the darkness trailing into this empty brown mahogany hallway, and turning to the car to see it's been raining.

it wasn't really scary or unnerving at all, it's like, i don't know. it was almost peaceful. like a funeral. tense and sad.

"what a terrible day for rain"

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Wed, 09 Oct 2024 07:08:16 GMT

i had a really weird thing just happen! i was trying to get my thoughts out onto a piece of paper, to actually write out how i feel about website league as it stands and how much i fucking hate mastodon style content warnings CW discourse, and without reading it i basically made a 90% shorter, overall worse version of this: https://shelraphen.com/on-content-warnings/ seeing basically every one of my points represented, and supplemented with personal experience and added context blew my mind. i'm gonna save my draft on a notepad file but like damn!!!! i feel interlinked

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:: tajpilo ::

Mon, 30 Sep 2024 00:10:30 GMT

recently (in the past couple of days) i have been using my freetime to turn this little «Dell Inspiron mini 10» into some form of "electric typewriter"—just a really basic barebones device for distraction-free writing. for me this means

textmode graphics
simple editor
maybe a basic connection to the web (it is a netbook after all!)
having Fun with it

now, due to previous circumstances, this laptop was already equipped with DOS (or more specifically, FreeDOS), but after thinking about it for a bit, and doing some research into different platforms for this little mini-project, and i remembered FreeBSD exists! i had kind of (totally) forgotten about the BSDs, i had used them before to very poor effect, basically it was just very boring and not very interesting for my usecases and i was much less familiar with Unix-like stuff, and it was a LOT to get used to, but NOW i am pretty comfortable with linux and can work my way around a terminal, i can actually get some stuff done in it.

so i installed it (didn't have anything important on the other computer) and had a minor realization... this computer uses a Broadcom wifi module, which isn't very nice to free operating systems (:[), but before i could press the Buy Now button on Ebay for a new card, i realized WAIT, i can cannibalize this other old computer i don't use anymore for its wifi card!!!!

and after taking the bottom off this lil thing, and switching cards, what would ya know, it works!!!!!! i pinged good ol' 8.8.8.8 and i used a little text mode browser to go on my website and google just to test it out, and it really does actually work and it's so goofy seeing everything as text. another thing it made me realize, is that description and alt text is super useful for people and devices that can't engage with images, and that websites that had good alt-text were a lot better to use when you can't use pictures as context. interesting!

so that's a thing i can use now! i'm calling it something of an "electric typewriter", firstly because that sounds really fun, and secondly because that's mostly what i'm going to use it for. i've already made some notes on it and it really is a bit of a typewriter, in that i press return to go to a new line, and no line wrapping, but honestly the freedom i feel to format my stuff within these limitations, just typing away with this little nifty thing, i am in love. it's also letting me be more familiar with how FreeBSD works without it being in the way of anything, so that's really cool!

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