Well, I really suck at blogging. For anyone still bothering to read, here are the basics.
July cycle fail.
August cycle: 4 follies (14,15,16,18 at trigger) E2 of 503. Best cycle response ever.
Oh, but still: fail.
Which means total and complete failure, because that was our last TTC attempt before DH deployed. We are done trying, and I will never have bio kiddos using any ART. We are not preventing when he returns, but, hahahaha. Yeah. My body is built in BC, so that's not happening. This totally blows and I never thought that this road, winding and bumpy as it has been, would be a dead end at only 27.
Um, but in other news? We have foster babies. A brother and sister, both under 2 years old. We know this is just temporary, but I am enjoying being a "mom" for the first time in a way, even though it hurts my heart at times.
It's fun, but it's a lot on me alone. I miss my husband so much, and I am trying to juggle the kids, pets, house, etc. on my own. It certainly keeps me busy at least. Clearly too busy to be a good blogger. Dude, I'm so out of the loop in blog land. I really will try harder to keep up with everyone.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Oops.
I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. The previous post about the 2 week wait was, (not so) shockingly, a BFN. That failure, for some reason, drove me to a full on break down of sobs. I am so tired of seeing no. I am so tired of the fear of seeing my husband off to another deployment, and having no piece of him here with me. At the same time, I long ago swallowed the bitter pill that this was never going to happen, so I don't know why every time I get my hopes up. This roller coaster? It's nothing remotely new.
Anyhow. I went in for my baseline u/s following the BFN, and got more bad news. Four pretty substantial cysts. No stims allowed. One more chance, down the drain. But, I had to brush it off, and get ready for our vacation of sorts. DH was taking his pre-deployment leave, and we planned a big road trip to go see my parents, and his mom. We took the 2 dogs, as well as 2 of the cats. Two years ago, when we upgraded from a small sedan to a small SUV, we thought we were pretty well set vehicle wise. Then we got Paisley. Then Toby (who just.keeps.growing.) and our "big" car suddenly was quite cramped. That was a really interesting ride with so much stuff and so many pets. We are absolutely going to need a bigger car, probably a van. An infertile with a mini-van. Lovely!
The trip itself was really wonderful, and I am so happy we went home. The beach with MIL was so much fun, and we got to meet her new boyfriend, who was great. DH and I hadn't been to the beach together since our honeymoon, and we had a blast. We really needed the get-away, that's for sure. We did some shopping, strolled the boardwalk, had drinks by the ocean... it was perfect. It was also nice to spend time back at my parents. DH and my dad got to golf quite a bit, we all got to enjoy the pool, and some of my mom's family came down to visit. My grandmother, aunt, and my 2 second cousins. It was so nice to see them, but the hole in my heart got a little bigger, at no fault to anyone. My second cousins are the sweetest, most fun kids, 3 and 5. Born to my at-the-time 15 and 16 year old cousins respectively. Neither cousin has custody of their child, nor to they see them often. It is so hard to be the only one in my extended family (on that side) who is married and ready for kids, and not be able to have them - yet there are children in my family who have parents that have walked away from them. I know this is the case for many of my IF ladies out there, and my heart goes out to all of you who have to sit at gatherings, wishing and wondering "why not me?" It doesn't seem like it ever gets easier. Watching my amazing DH play with those kids, read to them, help with them... and having the 3 year old call him "dad" on accident on more than one occasion. That blew.
Moving on. We are back now, and DH went back to work this week. We spent last week after getting back just doing *nothing* and it was exactly what I wanted and needed. No appointments. No errands. No chores or prepping for a foster-adopt visit. Just us and the furballs. And lots of storms haha. Today should be CD1, so I have a standing appointment for my baseline on Thursday, as well as my follow up with my rheumatologist. Probably a vampire appointment, and a refill on my meds. This time we are going to try a combo cycle. 7.5 F.emara like I was on in Texas, and F.ollistim, then trigger. If my baseline goes okay, this is the only cycle I'm guaranteed to attempt. I could very well have a cyst cycle next time, and then we'd be about out of time. Because of that, I'm going to insist on more/bigger follies at trigger. I want to be really proactive. This might be my last shot, and I want to know it had the best chance. RE also wants DH's SA repeated. He's not happy that for well over a year now, I've had good-perfect results (on-paper) each cycle, and no pregnancy at all. The SA will be done next week, and until then, DH is on a vitamin routine, high anti-oxidant diet, and no caffeine. He's not pleased with the lack of caffeine with early/long work days, but he's being a total trooper lol. That's pretty much it on the TTC front. This, maybe one more cycle if I'm lucky, and then this chapter is closed. I'll be 27 this weekend. 27, and we have already tapped out all the IF treatment we are willing to do. Ouch.
On the adoption side of things, we've yet to receive any calls for foster temporary placements. Which, is a good thing. Not needing us means that's one less home away from home needed for a child right now. :) We have put in a few inquiries/home studies with the national adoption website, but that process is a lengthy and slow one. It requires a great deal of patience, which sometimes I lack ha, but it's a step in that direction, so all you can do is roll with it. I'm not holding any expectations that it will lead to a match, but that darn hope, it's the tiny spark that keeps me trying.
Anyhow. I went in for my baseline u/s following the BFN, and got more bad news. Four pretty substantial cysts. No stims allowed. One more chance, down the drain. But, I had to brush it off, and get ready for our vacation of sorts. DH was taking his pre-deployment leave, and we planned a big road trip to go see my parents, and his mom. We took the 2 dogs, as well as 2 of the cats. Two years ago, when we upgraded from a small sedan to a small SUV, we thought we were pretty well set vehicle wise. Then we got Paisley. Then Toby (who just.keeps.growing.) and our "big" car suddenly was quite cramped. That was a really interesting ride with so much stuff and so many pets. We are absolutely going to need a bigger car, probably a van. An infertile with a mini-van. Lovely!
The trip itself was really wonderful, and I am so happy we went home. The beach with MIL was so much fun, and we got to meet her new boyfriend, who was great. DH and I hadn't been to the beach together since our honeymoon, and we had a blast. We really needed the get-away, that's for sure. We did some shopping, strolled the boardwalk, had drinks by the ocean... it was perfect. It was also nice to spend time back at my parents. DH and my dad got to golf quite a bit, we all got to enjoy the pool, and some of my mom's family came down to visit. My grandmother, aunt, and my 2 second cousins. It was so nice to see them, but the hole in my heart got a little bigger, at no fault to anyone. My second cousins are the sweetest, most fun kids, 3 and 5. Born to my at-the-time 15 and 16 year old cousins respectively. Neither cousin has custody of their child, nor to they see them often. It is so hard to be the only one in my extended family (on that side) who is married and ready for kids, and not be able to have them - yet there are children in my family who have parents that have walked away from them. I know this is the case for many of my IF ladies out there, and my heart goes out to all of you who have to sit at gatherings, wishing and wondering "why not me?" It doesn't seem like it ever gets easier. Watching my amazing DH play with those kids, read to them, help with them... and having the 3 year old call him "dad" on accident on more than one occasion. That blew.
Moving on. We are back now, and DH went back to work this week. We spent last week after getting back just doing *nothing* and it was exactly what I wanted and needed. No appointments. No errands. No chores or prepping for a foster-adopt visit. Just us and the furballs. And lots of storms haha. Today should be CD1, so I have a standing appointment for my baseline on Thursday, as well as my follow up with my rheumatologist. Probably a vampire appointment, and a refill on my meds. This time we are going to try a combo cycle. 7.5 F.emara like I was on in Texas, and F.ollistim, then trigger. If my baseline goes okay, this is the only cycle I'm guaranteed to attempt. I could very well have a cyst cycle next time, and then we'd be about out of time. Because of that, I'm going to insist on more/bigger follies at trigger. I want to be really proactive. This might be my last shot, and I want to know it had the best chance. RE also wants DH's SA repeated. He's not happy that for well over a year now, I've had good-perfect results (on-paper) each cycle, and no pregnancy at all. The SA will be done next week, and until then, DH is on a vitamin routine, high anti-oxidant diet, and no caffeine. He's not pleased with the lack of caffeine with early/long work days, but he's being a total trooper lol. That's pretty much it on the TTC front. This, maybe one more cycle if I'm lucky, and then this chapter is closed. I'll be 27 this weekend. 27, and we have already tapped out all the IF treatment we are willing to do. Ouch.
On the adoption side of things, we've yet to receive any calls for foster temporary placements. Which, is a good thing. Not needing us means that's one less home away from home needed for a child right now. :) We have put in a few inquiries/home studies with the national adoption website, but that process is a lengthy and slow one. It requires a great deal of patience, which sometimes I lack ha, but it's a step in that direction, so all you can do is roll with it. I'm not holding any expectations that it will lead to a match, but that darn hope, it's the tiny spark that keeps me trying.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Another 2WW.
I hate living life 2 weeks at a time. 2 weeks of meds and checks and hoping that blood work looks even the slightest bit promising. Then 2 weeks of waiting, hoping, and over analyzing every little thing. Only a few of these 2 week waits left before DH leaves, and each time I lose more and more hope.
I went back on CD 11 to find that I'd gone from 13, 11, 9 on the right - to 16, 14, 12, 11, 11, 9. They went ahead and triggered in the office, which caught me off guard. I thought for sure they'd wait to see what my E2 came back at, and it frustrated me to trigger without that info, with only 1 *almost* mature follie. I understand that they grew a lot in a day and a half, and that new ones popped up. But I wasn't at risk for a crap-ton of mature follies if I'd waited to see levels, especially just doing TI. With last cycle failing with the single follie/low E2 - I was very upset that I didn't get more time. I think it had a lot to do with that it was the last day before a holiday weekend, and they had to play it safe with the quick growth. Which sucks for me. The bare minimum chances are not cutting it with me, and I'm running out of time. They called at the end of the day to let me know my E2 was 320, up from 141 around 36 hours prior, so that made me feel a bit better, but I still am not holding my breath this cycle.
In other news, I was a part of a really neat Biggest Loser type challenge with some lovely friends. It wrapped up this week, and I somehow managed to win. I lost about 25 lbs - give or take when it fluctuates - in 12 weeks, and I feel great. I didn't push myself with crazy new exercise because I was too scared to during all these treatments. (Not that it ended up helping anything!) Instead was really careful with what/how much I ate. Going back to a pretty strict gluten free diet (something I'd slacked on before this) with smaller portions, better food, and lots of walking. The only thing that is frustrating is that even though I'm down two sizes, I don't feel like I look it. 2 weeks on heavy injectables, then 2 weeks of 500 mgs of progesterone for the entire duration of the challenge? Yeah, the bloat is kicking my ass. But, I do at least feel healthier, and I have a good new routine with my meals/snacks - and that's a big deal to me, so I'm still proud. I'm also over the wall that I hit with the scale not budging for almost the last 4 weeks of the challenge until the final week. I added 30 day shred after the BFNs from last cycle, and I think that helped get me over the hump. I hit this wall at about the same weight last year, when I lost so much during DH's deployment/ when I was on break from IF treatments. I lost 35-40 last year, all of which had been gained since the first miscarriage - and I slowly put it all back on when he came home and we started doing treatments again. It's a dirty, vicious cycle. Hard enough I hate my body for failing at giving me a healthy pregnancy. But to then have it change so much because of the pursuit of that goal? Lame. So lame. Hopefully this is a huge step in the right direction to get back towards my size in college and when we got married.
I went back on CD 11 to find that I'd gone from 13, 11, 9 on the right - to 16, 14, 12, 11, 11, 9. They went ahead and triggered in the office, which caught me off guard. I thought for sure they'd wait to see what my E2 came back at, and it frustrated me to trigger without that info, with only 1 *almost* mature follie. I understand that they grew a lot in a day and a half, and that new ones popped up. But I wasn't at risk for a crap-ton of mature follies if I'd waited to see levels, especially just doing TI. With last cycle failing with the single follie/low E2 - I was very upset that I didn't get more time. I think it had a lot to do with that it was the last day before a holiday weekend, and they had to play it safe with the quick growth. Which sucks for me. The bare minimum chances are not cutting it with me, and I'm running out of time. They called at the end of the day to let me know my E2 was 320, up from 141 around 36 hours prior, so that made me feel a bit better, but I still am not holding my breath this cycle.
In other news, I was a part of a really neat Biggest Loser type challenge with some lovely friends. It wrapped up this week, and I somehow managed to win. I lost about 25 lbs - give or take when it fluctuates - in 12 weeks, and I feel great. I didn't push myself with crazy new exercise because I was too scared to during all these treatments. (Not that it ended up helping anything!) Instead was really careful with what/how much I ate. Going back to a pretty strict gluten free diet (something I'd slacked on before this) with smaller portions, better food, and lots of walking. The only thing that is frustrating is that even though I'm down two sizes, I don't feel like I look it. 2 weeks on heavy injectables, then 2 weeks of 500 mgs of progesterone for the entire duration of the challenge? Yeah, the bloat is kicking my ass. But, I do at least feel healthier, and I have a good new routine with my meals/snacks - and that's a big deal to me, so I'm still proud. I'm also over the wall that I hit with the scale not budging for almost the last 4 weeks of the challenge until the final week. I added 30 day shred after the BFNs from last cycle, and I think that helped get me over the hump. I hit this wall at about the same weight last year, when I lost so much during DH's deployment/ when I was on break from IF treatments. I lost 35-40 last year, all of which had been gained since the first miscarriage - and I slowly put it all back on when he came home and we started doing treatments again. It's a dirty, vicious cycle. Hard enough I hate my body for failing at giving me a healthy pregnancy. But to then have it change so much because of the pursuit of that goal? Lame. So lame. Hopefully this is a huge step in the right direction to get back towards my size in college and when we got married.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Day 6 Check.
Left side 11 mm follie is no more. I now only have a 9 mm on the left. On the right I have a 9, 11, and 13. So, one trying to grow, and the leader didn't get much larger. Sigh. My E2 did go up from 41 to 141 though. RE wanted me back today after another 150iu dose, but I can't make it until tomorrow. Hopefully there is something worth getting the okay to trigger sometime this holiday weekend.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Clearing some hurdles this week.
Monday's final home study walk through went well! It all checked out, which is a huge stress off of my back. DH and I have worked so hard to renovate this house, and I'm so happy that we got it all done. Home study worker said she would put in for approval by the end of the week, but then it's got to go up through 2 more reviews. These are by people that don't know us, and might look at the concerns about being too new to the area, or away from family, and not give us a chance. But, there is nothing we can do about it at this point - it's out of our hands. That in itself has made me feel so much better.
Monday after the final, I headed out of town for my first follie check of this cycle. Usually it's a whole lot of nothing at that point, so I was surprised to see that I had an 11 mm on the left and a 12ish mm on the right after only 4 days of stims. My e2 was 41 - which is higher than it's been at this point before, but still not great. RE bumped me up from 100 iu to 150 iu, and I go back this afternoon for another check and blood draw. DH has a 4 day weekend for Memorial Day, and hopefully I'll be triggering sometime soon. We are going to a concert/festival on Saturday, and spending the rest of the weekend relaxing! It will be the first weekend in a long time where there wasn't at least 1 full day or house work, so I'm excited. I need a break, and so does DH. It should be a good weekend.
Monday after the final, I headed out of town for my first follie check of this cycle. Usually it's a whole lot of nothing at that point, so I was surprised to see that I had an 11 mm on the left and a 12ish mm on the right after only 4 days of stims. My e2 was 41 - which is higher than it's been at this point before, but still not great. RE bumped me up from 100 iu to 150 iu, and I go back this afternoon for another check and blood draw. DH has a 4 day weekend for Memorial Day, and hopefully I'll be triggering sometime soon. We are going to a concert/festival on Saturday, and spending the rest of the weekend relaxing! It will be the first weekend in a long time where there wasn't at least 1 full day or house work, so I'm excited. I need a break, and so does DH. It should be a good weekend.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I can't get out of this funk.
I've been struggling lately with pulling myself up out of this rut, and I just can't seem to do it for very long. With being so busy lately, I've let myself think it was just distraction or things being hectic. But I think I'm just, blue. Which I'm not a fan of being.
Shocker, my lone follie didn't do the job. BFN's all the way up through Mother's Day (thanks for kickin' a girl while she's down, universe) and AF yesterday. I'm not surprised, but I'm still disappointed. DH, however - he *was* surprised. Bless his heart for still being so hopeful each cycle, even after all these years. I hate feeling like I let him down. He doesn't accept that doing everything 'right' doesn't mean success. The right timing, meds, vitamins, foods, rest... it never means a sure thing. And in his head, he knows that, but it get his heart every time none-the-less. And that breaks mine. He was even asking about what the due date would be for that cycle, so that he could keep it in mind when they asked him to schedule his mid-deployment leave. Damn that really hurts to type out. It's so unfair to be in this boat, and also be fighting the deployment clock yet again.
I go for my baseline u/s tomorrow, and to get a refill on my injectables. I picked up new vitamins, including some "can't hurt, might help" remedies I've seen floating around the web for so many years. I mean, why not, at this point? Hopefully everything looks okay for this cycle, since I'm an exception to their "skip a cycle after a failed one" rule - which I am forever grateful for. We've got a couple more tries, and I'm just holding my breath that everything will be good to go.
Next Monday, we have our *final* walk through for our foster care license. It has been a bumpy road, and we've had to change plans along the way - but I'm so glad we saw it through. By the time this is done, written up, approved, and we are assigned a case worker if we *are* granted our license... it will likely be in the middle of DH's pre-deployment leave, or thereabouts. I'm not sure the turn around time, but I know his leave is fast approaching, and his send off will (too) shortly follow. We haven't changed our minds that taking in any placement before he leaves is a bad idea. It's unfair to us in our limited time together, and it's unfair to a child to have to be put into a situation that's so sensitive. I am looking forward to giving a try to foster care though. I've been on the fence with what my plans would be once DH left, but the closer I get to that, the more strongly I feel about it. No, it's not at all how we expected this journey to go when we started it. Nothing seems to be for those of us in the world of IF, RPL, adoption, etc. But, it's something that despite all the hurdles, I do believe I could be good at it, and help some kids and families along the way.
I really hope I get my head unclouded soon. There is a lot going on, like there usually is in our lives, and I don't want to miss it. I have to throw continuing to job hunt, and finishing this semester of school in the mix too. I'll just keep taking it a day at a time.
Shocker, my lone follie didn't do the job. BFN's all the way up through Mother's Day (thanks for kickin' a girl while she's down, universe) and AF yesterday. I'm not surprised, but I'm still disappointed. DH, however - he *was* surprised. Bless his heart for still being so hopeful each cycle, even after all these years. I hate feeling like I let him down. He doesn't accept that doing everything 'right' doesn't mean success. The right timing, meds, vitamins, foods, rest... it never means a sure thing. And in his head, he knows that, but it get his heart every time none-the-less. And that breaks mine. He was even asking about what the due date would be for that cycle, so that he could keep it in mind when they asked him to schedule his mid-deployment leave. Damn that really hurts to type out. It's so unfair to be in this boat, and also be fighting the deployment clock yet again.
I go for my baseline u/s tomorrow, and to get a refill on my injectables. I picked up new vitamins, including some "can't hurt, might help" remedies I've seen floating around the web for so many years. I mean, why not, at this point? Hopefully everything looks okay for this cycle, since I'm an exception to their "skip a cycle after a failed one" rule - which I am forever grateful for. We've got a couple more tries, and I'm just holding my breath that everything will be good to go.
Next Monday, we have our *final* walk through for our foster care license. It has been a bumpy road, and we've had to change plans along the way - but I'm so glad we saw it through. By the time this is done, written up, approved, and we are assigned a case worker if we *are* granted our license... it will likely be in the middle of DH's pre-deployment leave, or thereabouts. I'm not sure the turn around time, but I know his leave is fast approaching, and his send off will (too) shortly follow. We haven't changed our minds that taking in any placement before he leaves is a bad idea. It's unfair to us in our limited time together, and it's unfair to a child to have to be put into a situation that's so sensitive. I am looking forward to giving a try to foster care though. I've been on the fence with what my plans would be once DH left, but the closer I get to that, the more strongly I feel about it. No, it's not at all how we expected this journey to go when we started it. Nothing seems to be for those of us in the world of IF, RPL, adoption, etc. But, it's something that despite all the hurdles, I do believe I could be good at it, and help some kids and families along the way.
I really hope I get my head unclouded soon. There is a lot going on, like there usually is in our lives, and I don't want to miss it. I have to throw continuing to job hunt, and finishing this semester of school in the mix too. I'll just keep taking it a day at a time.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Time is flying.
The last month has really been a blur. It's been just over a week since DH got home, and the past month has just been crazy. After some really emotional road bumps with the foster care route, we've decided to see it through. We were *thisclose* to walking away all together, but we are so close, that I just couldn't let it go. Our home study worker came again last Monday, and will be back again on Tuesday. We had a garage sale today, and between the visits and that, my house is DONE. There are still some things to sort through in the garage, and of course the list of renovations still to-do, but as far as day to day, livable space - it's there. And it's SO nice. Everything is set up and organized and unpacked for the first time in years and years. Moving a billion times makes it impossible to ever really settle, so to be totally moved-in here is wonderful, but it has certainly been time consuming.
I've also spent the last nearly 2 weeks back with the RE for this cycle. Started G.onal on CD 3, and today is CD 12. Today is also trigger day, which was a big surprise to me. E2 on Monday was only 25, and only one measurable follie at 11mm. Bumped up my dose, and had an E2 draw of 94 on Wednesday. Yesterday I had another follie check, and fully expected that I'd be going back again on Monday to hopefully trigger. I had 4 decent follies, all between 9-14, which was pretty good. However, the 11mm from CD 7 was now at 18mm, and RE wanted to trigger the single follie. My E2 was only 147, so I was told to do one more G.onal dose last night, and to trigger tonight.
I know that one follie is a good, mature one. I know that one is all is takes. Blah blah blah. But I can't help but be disheartened by triggering just one. I've triggered 2-3 at 20-25mm on multiple occasions. None of those cycles lead to any pregnancies. Why should I expect this cycle to turn out any differently? There are only a few more cycles before DH deploys, and it is so hard not to get upset that my body is not producing what would give us the best chances. I will try during this 2ww to be positive though. That's all I can do.
In fun news! I was a part of a really neat blog-sock-exchange! With all the chaos lately, I was a big fail at getting mine out to my person on time (hopefully they are almost to her now!!) but I was super grateful to be a part of it. My socks came from the amazing Tami-scramble at Submerged and seriously, they are the most kick ass socks I've ever seen. I can only hope that my sock recipient likes hers as much as I adore mine!
I've also spent the last nearly 2 weeks back with the RE for this cycle. Started G.onal on CD 3, and today is CD 12. Today is also trigger day, which was a big surprise to me. E2 on Monday was only 25, and only one measurable follie at 11mm. Bumped up my dose, and had an E2 draw of 94 on Wednesday. Yesterday I had another follie check, and fully expected that I'd be going back again on Monday to hopefully trigger. I had 4 decent follies, all between 9-14, which was pretty good. However, the 11mm from CD 7 was now at 18mm, and RE wanted to trigger the single follie. My E2 was only 147, so I was told to do one more G.onal dose last night, and to trigger tonight.
I know that one follie is a good, mature one. I know that one is all is takes. Blah blah blah. But I can't help but be disheartened by triggering just one. I've triggered 2-3 at 20-25mm on multiple occasions. None of those cycles lead to any pregnancies. Why should I expect this cycle to turn out any differently? There are only a few more cycles before DH deploys, and it is so hard not to get upset that my body is not producing what would give us the best chances. I will try during this 2ww to be positive though. That's all I can do.
In fun news! I was a part of a really neat blog-sock-exchange! With all the chaos lately, I was a big fail at getting mine out to my person on time (hopefully they are almost to her now!!) but I was super grateful to be a part of it. My socks came from the amazing Tami-scramble at Submerged and seriously, they are the most kick ass socks I've ever seen. I can only hope that my sock recipient likes hers as much as I adore mine!
Rawr! I'm a dragon!
The sock exchange was about sharing support and strength. IF/loss girls can never have enough reminders that we are not alone in all this, especially when heading into appointments and scans that can be isolating and scary. My socks are about being brave, and slaying the dragon that is IF. Thank you again, Tami, I love these, and what they represent.
Now that things have calmed down life-wise, I'm hoping to be able to be back on here more!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
I'm Back!
I've been MIA for a while now. Getting ready for the home study, and getting DH set up to leave again has been crazy town. Since he left, I've been working like a madman to finish the other house things, handle all the pets and a few puppy vet visits for illness, and I just haven't had much time to jump on here!
Just a tiny update for now, but the home study went okay. The more we get into this process though, the more we are realizing that what we were originally told/expecting is just not how it's done in this area. I wasn't completely comfortable with the turns this path was taking, and since the home study, DH and I both have been feeling more and more uncertain.
Last night, he was able to call, and we had a long, open discussion. Learning the hurdles we are up against, and having a good long time to reflect on our visit, we have decided not to continue at this time. This was a really tough choice for us, and both of us are saddened that it has come to this. We went into this so excited, wanting to grow our family, and make a difference. We still want those things, but it's just not the right time for this particular journey, knowing what we know now. There are only a handful of months before DH deploys again, and he's been gone 2 out of the last 3 months as it is. It has been nothing but hectic since we moved here in the fall, and we both feel strongly that we need to focus on having time together before he leaves again for 9-12 months. Adoption is off the table indefinitely, but we've agreed today to reopen the discussion it at our next duty station.
I will continue to seek TTC treatment over the course of DH being home, and we will see if it leads to anything. We were against doing IUI while he's away, because it was so complicated last time. Last night we brought it up again, and will consider it as time gets closer. For now though, I'm just adjusting to this major shift in our plans. I know it's the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it isn't incredibly tough.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Home Study!
It came around faster than I expected, that's for sure. DH leaves this week for another short training, and I told our case worker that when she called on Friday. Since our case is the one up on the list, she wanted to see us before he leaves to prevent delays in our process. Eeeep. Panic time! She will be here tomorrow after lunch, so that DH can just take a half day of work. Holy cow. I am taking a short break right now from what I expect to be a 16+ hour work day of house-prep, puppy grooming, and paperwork gathering. We took 6 of the 7 pets to the vet, all in one trip I might add, for their yearly shots, so we've got all their papers and a local vet updated. In NC, where they were all vaccinated before we moved to TX, they give 3 year shots. In TN, they require them every year. It also just made more sense to have them all on the same schedule, since we have so many. Toby pup was all set in November when we got him, so he is the only one off, which is pretty good.
I am fully aware that all this is probably overboard, but that's how I roll. I would rather be overly prepared any day than under prepared. Will it be perfect? No, there are still big things to do with the house itself, and I've accepted that. But the upstairs - the main living area - that will be, I'm determined. It's tough on a bum foot though, I'll admit. I tried to step over a puppy kennel last week, and came down really hard on a corner. Tore open a nice gash on the ball of my foot, which lead to stitches, the world's ugliest summer sandal brace-boot, and crutches. I sure do have impeccable timing. Anyhow.
DH even went to L.owe's yesterday and got all sorts of flowers and garden things, and spent the day re-doing the front yard. Though, "re-doing" implies it was done before, which it wasn't. I don't think it had been touched in years other than mowing, and it looks amazing now. I'm really impressed with him! Hopefully I'll be somewhat close to being done when he gets home from work (I started at 4 am) and we can go over all the papers and home study book again. I really am utterly terrified for this, and I don't know why. I just feel so strongly that this is the right path for us, regardless of what happens TTC wise, and I want it to go right.
In TTC land, I did have to sit out this cycle. Not because of my RE - he was wonderful with understanding my unwillingness to skip cycles - but because of my body and the A.rmy. DH's date go moved up, and AF didn't show up on time. It sucks, but it happens. We'll be ready to start again about the time he gets home, and that will have to do!
DH took me to see The H.unger Games on Friday, and I completely adored it. Of course the book was better, it always is. There were a lot of things that had to be weeded out, or simplified for the movie, just like any book-t0-film adaption. There were however, one or two (IMO) important things that were glossed over, that I wish had been in there. I won't go into to that, as I've already gotten away from my point.
There was a small scene added to the movie version that I really loved. I won't go into the details, in case anyone is waiting to see it, but there is a quote that really stuck with me. Enough so that DH went out and got me paints, stencils and canvases, because I told him I wanted to add it to our angel babies wall collage.
"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."
I keep rolling this around in my head, and I'm trying to remember that it is exactly why we keep going down these tough, unknown roads. It's why I put my body and heart through all the things I do. It's what keeps me pushing for tomorrow, and for each step down the line.
Hope.
I am fully aware that all this is probably overboard, but that's how I roll. I would rather be overly prepared any day than under prepared. Will it be perfect? No, there are still big things to do with the house itself, and I've accepted that. But the upstairs - the main living area - that will be, I'm determined. It's tough on a bum foot though, I'll admit. I tried to step over a puppy kennel last week, and came down really hard on a corner. Tore open a nice gash on the ball of my foot, which lead to stitches, the world's ugliest summer sandal brace-boot, and crutches. I sure do have impeccable timing. Anyhow.
DH even went to L.owe's yesterday and got all sorts of flowers and garden things, and spent the day re-doing the front yard. Though, "re-doing" implies it was done before, which it wasn't. I don't think it had been touched in years other than mowing, and it looks amazing now. I'm really impressed with him! Hopefully I'll be somewhat close to being done when he gets home from work (I started at 4 am) and we can go over all the papers and home study book again. I really am utterly terrified for this, and I don't know why. I just feel so strongly that this is the right path for us, regardless of what happens TTC wise, and I want it to go right.
In TTC land, I did have to sit out this cycle. Not because of my RE - he was wonderful with understanding my unwillingness to skip cycles - but because of my body and the A.rmy. DH's date go moved up, and AF didn't show up on time. It sucks, but it happens. We'll be ready to start again about the time he gets home, and that will have to do!
DH took me to see The H.unger Games on Friday, and I completely adored it. Of course the book was better, it always is. There were a lot of things that had to be weeded out, or simplified for the movie, just like any book-t0-film adaption. There were however, one or two (IMO) important things that were glossed over, that I wish had been in there. I won't go into to that, as I've already gotten away from my point.
There was a small scene added to the movie version that I really loved. I won't go into the details, in case anyone is waiting to see it, but there is a quote that really stuck with me. Enough so that DH went out and got me paints, stencils and canvases, because I told him I wanted to add it to our angel babies wall collage.
"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."
I keep rolling this around in my head, and I'm trying to remember that it is exactly why we keep going down these tough, unknown roads. It's why I put my body and heart through all the things I do. It's what keeps me pushing for tomorrow, and for each step down the line.
Hope.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Nope.
14 dpo, and I knew days ago that this was a bust. I didn't bother continuing the progesterone after Sunday morning's BFN. I just need AF to show up *today* in order to not miss this cycle. DH leaves about 2 weeks for a training, and if today doesn't end up CD1, there is really no point in attempting anything, unless we can bump my meds up slightly, since last cycle was such a slow start.
Not that it may even matter. When I called my RE's office yesterday to tell them it was a no-go, I asked about how to set up my baseline for this upcoming cycle. That's when I was told my RE likes to do a break cycle after every.single.failed.attempt. No one had told me this before, and I don't know anyone who has had this policy with their RE. I'm not trying to question or disrespect his methods, but I'm not their typical patient. I drive a long way to get my care at their office, and I know they see very few military couples - so I have begged for an exception. I fought back tears the entire conversation with the nurse yesterday when I was telling her there were only 4, maybe 5, chances left before DH deploys. I begged her to talk to RE, and to please not take away half of our chances at this. I know it's tougher on my body, but I've never taken breaks between every cycle - to no ill effects. Plus, I'd have a year break if it doesn't work, as we don't plan on doing the IUI thing this time around. I waited from October to February for T.ricare to get my referrals correct to start this treatment. That's enough of a break. I'm terrified about when they call me back today.
DH is pissed about it. And last night we had a big sit-down about how all of this was changing me. The mess with the house, the home study, the treatment, the trainings and deployments... it's all so much. My way to deal with it has been to not get emotionally invested in it. I admitted that I make a great effort to become numb to the treatment cycle outcomes being a no - but I spend just as much effort shutting down in case it worked. I don't want to feel connected to the process at all, so that I'm not as hurt when it fails, either through BFNs, or through loss. I realize I'm doing this with the foster process, the uncertainty about our housing situation, etc., and it is seeping into my relationship with DH. He was so sweet, and so concerned - and incredibly careful about how he approached this with me, bless his heart. He says it's really hard for him to see me so apathetic to the things he knows we want so badly.
We used to joke that since I never did the rebellion thing with my parents, I must have been saving it for him - because he knew if there was something I wanted, that I was told I couldn't have, or would be incredibly difficult - it made me want it more. I'd work that much harder to prove that I could do it, could get it, could make it happen. He feels like these days I'd rather give up, say "oh well" and move onto the next thing than to let myself get wrapped up in how a set back or failure makes me feel. That was hard to hear, but he's right. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me. He pointed out that it went as far as my reactions to completely unrelated things being influenced by all this. That when he picks on me, or goofs around like we always have, I just shrug it off lately, when I used to join right in. I'm keeping everything, and everyone at an arm's length, and that's only going to make things worse.
Something has got to give. The fake-it-'til-you-make-it bit didn't work for me, but shutting down to my entire life isn't the answer either. DH was so supportive and gave a great pep-talk, without coming off like he was trying to tell me what to do. He did a damn good job. He said he just wants me to be happy. Not to fake it. Not to disengage from things that have the potential to make me sad. That I just need to find in me, wherever I bottled it up inside, that fight that I used to have. Find it, use it, try harder, and rise above it. I know he believes I can do that, and I hope he's right.
Not that it may even matter. When I called my RE's office yesterday to tell them it was a no-go, I asked about how to set up my baseline for this upcoming cycle. That's when I was told my RE likes to do a break cycle after every.single.failed.attempt. No one had told me this before, and I don't know anyone who has had this policy with their RE. I'm not trying to question or disrespect his methods, but I'm not their typical patient. I drive a long way to get my care at their office, and I know they see very few military couples - so I have begged for an exception. I fought back tears the entire conversation with the nurse yesterday when I was telling her there were only 4, maybe 5, chances left before DH deploys. I begged her to talk to RE, and to please not take away half of our chances at this. I know it's tougher on my body, but I've never taken breaks between every cycle - to no ill effects. Plus, I'd have a year break if it doesn't work, as we don't plan on doing the IUI thing this time around. I waited from October to February for T.ricare to get my referrals correct to start this treatment. That's enough of a break. I'm terrified about when they call me back today.
DH is pissed about it. And last night we had a big sit-down about how all of this was changing me. The mess with the house, the home study, the treatment, the trainings and deployments... it's all so much. My way to deal with it has been to not get emotionally invested in it. I admitted that I make a great effort to become numb to the treatment cycle outcomes being a no - but I spend just as much effort shutting down in case it worked. I don't want to feel connected to the process at all, so that I'm not as hurt when it fails, either through BFNs, or through loss. I realize I'm doing this with the foster process, the uncertainty about our housing situation, etc., and it is seeping into my relationship with DH. He was so sweet, and so concerned - and incredibly careful about how he approached this with me, bless his heart. He says it's really hard for him to see me so apathetic to the things he knows we want so badly.
We used to joke that since I never did the rebellion thing with my parents, I must have been saving it for him - because he knew if there was something I wanted, that I was told I couldn't have, or would be incredibly difficult - it made me want it more. I'd work that much harder to prove that I could do it, could get it, could make it happen. He feels like these days I'd rather give up, say "oh well" and move onto the next thing than to let myself get wrapped up in how a set back or failure makes me feel. That was hard to hear, but he's right. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me. He pointed out that it went as far as my reactions to completely unrelated things being influenced by all this. That when he picks on me, or goofs around like we always have, I just shrug it off lately, when I used to join right in. I'm keeping everything, and everyone at an arm's length, and that's only going to make things worse.
Something has got to give. The fake-it-'til-you-make-it bit didn't work for me, but shutting down to my entire life isn't the answer either. DH was so supportive and gave a great pep-talk, without coming off like he was trying to tell me what to do. He did a damn good job. He said he just wants me to be happy. Not to fake it. Not to disengage from things that have the potential to make me sad. That I just need to find in me, wherever I bottled it up inside, that fight that I used to have. Find it, use it, try harder, and rise above it. I know he believes I can do that, and I hope he's right.
