This day last year.

Was my D&C. All I remember is waking up in labor and delivery yelling and crying. I thought that by a year later I would have my take home baby, or be well on my way. I thought I'd be healed. I thought I'd be happy. I thought wrong.

I miss you, Pumpkin.

The other shoe.

It always drops. Because I had one positive ANA test, and one negative, they redrew before the IUI. It came back positive again. IUI cancelled until further notice and I'm being sent to a rheumatologist. Hopefully I'll get in with that asap and they can figure out for sure if it's lupus like they suspect, or some other auto-immune disorder. No matter how it comes back, it's something that has to be addressed before anything can move forward with the IUI. I'm not willing to risk another loss obviously, and my health has to be the priority. I'm scared to pieces though, and it's hard to be without my husband in all this. Stupid ttcal.

In some good news, I did finally get a new car. I chose the 2010 Kia Soul, and it's so much fun. It's been needed for a long time, and I was able to make a great deal. We will keep the old car as a knock around daily driver for hubs when he comes home and we move to Tennessee. That way I can transfer my job to a TN location and go right to work when we get there. No more sharing a car, and that's a nice change.

Max!

These days.

I wake up and tear drops, they fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to, and then
I head off to my job, guess not much has changed
Punch the clock, head for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed, dream of you, that's what I'm doing these days
-RF-

I really miss you Mav. I'm so proud of you.

Nothing that exciting going on. Shocker. Mostly just working as much as possible, trying to get time to go by faster. It's doing the trick for the most part, and I do like my job and the people I work with. I move to the new house house week which I'm excited for. Well, not excited about actually moving since I'm doing 99% of it by myself. But being moved in, settled, and have a new start without an empty 3rd bedroom haunting me? Yeah, that will be nice. I have a Dr's appointment on Wednesday to get things started. I'm actually going for it! It's finally time for the first IUI next cycle. We were hoping this would be at least attempt number 2 by now, but life had other plans. Keeping my fingers crossed though!

Oh, and for reason #29018314, the universe can go fuck itself. One of my very best friends has been going through another loss. I seriously can't wrap my head around how unfair the world is. Becca, as always, so much love sent your way, dear. ((hugs))

October 15: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

This day of observance is a national recognized event. Sadly, it is one unknown to many who are personally unaffected by these kinds of losses. There are so many wonderful, worthwhile causes out there that people spread the word about and lend support to, yet this one slips through the cracks all too often. Pregnancy loss, in some shape or form, affects ever 1 in 4 pregnancies. On average, 2000 babies are lost in this was each day in the US. Those are staggering and heartbreaking numbers.

Today is meant to bring awareness to this cause that is near and dear to my heart, as well as to the heart of many of my wonderful friends. Brave, strong, generous women who have gone through this, many of them multiple times. It's not fair, and it's not something any of us will ever understand. But what we can do is spread the word, share or stories, and maybe reach someone who needs support in their loss of losses as well. No one should have to suffer this kind of pain alone. Whether you have been through this yourself of not, open your heart to a friend or family member that could use your love and your shoulder to cry on.

Today is also about remembering the precious angels that were too beautiful for Earth. I have 2 angel babies that I never got to hold, but that touched my heart in the deepest ways. I loved them from the second I found out they existed, and that love does not go away just because they are no longer with me. They are both missed with all of mine and Justin's hearts.

Tonight, at 7 pm, I lit 2 candles in honor of my children as a part of the "Wave of Light" I was joined by my friends across the country, and countless women all over that I've never met. I said a prayer for them, the other mothers, and their angels - and I hope that my little ones and theirs know how much they are loved.

Happy/Hopeful Award!

The fabulous ~C~ over at The Port of Indecision has shared with me the Happy and Hopeful award! Like another lovely said, I think it's darkly humorous that this is going around our group, but I actually really like it. Despite how I feel a lot of the time, I know I have some great things to be grateful for, and I like that this pushes me to step back and recognize them. :)

Things that make me happy: My cats. Seriously, having them as company in this empty house is all that keeps me sane some days. It's so tough to be here with Justin away, and they make home a little less lonely.  My trip to go see Becca also makes me happy! I was so blessed to get the chance to visit her thanks to Mary, and I just got home today. She's been such an amazing friend to me, and we had a fabulous time. I'm also thrilled that I'm getting to talk to my soldier more. For a while it was extremely limited communication for us, so to be able to hear from him more often is amazing.

Things that make me hopeful: maybe actually getting to do an IUI soon! I am shooting for next cycle, so long as I can get in to my RE in time to set up the monitoring in time. Really, I'm just hopeful and optimistic for a fresh start with some things. I have my new job, which I really like so far. I found out last week that we got approved for the new place I'd been looking at. It's closer to work for me, and for when Justin gets back, and saves us some money each month which is always good. I'm really feeling good that some things are starting to work out. It's still hard not to be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I'm trying to stay as positive as I can!

And now to pass it along, I want to share this award with...
Becca at Memoirs of a Girl
Celeste at Celeste's 101in1001
and Shannon at An Army Wife's Alaskan Adventure

Squee!

I am so excited. Thanks to my dear and generous friend Mary, I get to go to Illinois to see Becca! She had an available airline ticket that was needed to be used in a small window of time, and I was fortunate enough to have a schedule that could make it work. (Thank you again, Mary!)

So in a few weeks, I'll be taking a long weekend for a visit! Becca has been such an amazing friend to me the last nearly 8 months, and she's been there for me through so much. When I come home to an empty house, or I don't get to talk to my husband but once every week or 2, it's easy to fall into a sad and lonely rut. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for Becca and the other amazing ladies as my support. I am thrilled to have a chance to actually hang out with her, I know we are going to have a lot of fun!

Also, I've started my job, and I really like it so far. It's fun, gives me some spending money, and it will keep me busy - which is all I'm looking for while Justin's away. I'm looking at a house that's really close to work, and I'm thinking I will pick back up riding my bike to get there if I'm able to move.

When things get tough, you just have to fight that much harder for things that make you happy. :)

We will never forget.

Today we remember those who lost their lives on this day in 2001. Those how gave up theirs to save others, but on that day, in the years since by serving overseas. We remember the way the country was irrevocably changed. We are reminded of what our brave men and women of the armed forces, both home and abroad, are fighting for. What my husband, brother, and brother in law have all sworn to protect. I can't explain how proud I am of my husband today, and every day. I miss him so much while we are apart, but I am so lucky to have him. My husband, my hero. 

First appointment success!

Today was my consult at the fertility clinic, and I really feel good about my choice. I'm so used to a new Dr. taking one look at part of my file, and having them assume they know everything about me, and I'm happy to say that's not the case here. She will be my assigned Dr., and I'll have one nurse assigned to me as well, so I'm thrilled that I will have more consistent, one on one care.

She ordered another round of blood work to do asap. I'll start an antibiotic on CD 2, do a CD 3 blood draw, and hopefully the following cycle will be the IUI. I was worried about my meds being covered, but for this first time, we are just going to do either Clomid or Femera, u/s monitoring, and then a trigger if everything looks good to do the procedure. Luckily those meds are covered, and we will cross the bridge of further meds if it comes to it. For now it's just getting everything taken care of, and waiting, but it feels really good to have this plan and schedule.

I've put in some job apps and I'm hoping to hear back this week. I've got frame orders rolling, too, so that's fun. :) That'll be more a side project if I get one of these jobs though. I mean, it really is just a for kicks thing already, but I enjoy doing it. Running and healthy eating program is going well and I feel great. I'm also only going to keep positive people in my life. Not in the puppies and rainbows way, but rather in that they are positive influences. I try hard despite whatever is going on to be a good friend to people, and don't have the patience or enough capacity for hurting left over to surround myself with those who only look out for themselves. I have been blessed with a wonderful group of girls that I wouldn't trade for anything. They've shown me what true friendship means, and at this point, true friends are the only ones worth having.

Run, run away, it's just a matter of time.

Running in Texas is hot. I have been getting up earlier and earlier each day (so far only on day 3) but it's like no matter how early I try, it's unbearably hot. Dang Texas. I'm considering adjusting my temping schedule and getting up right after the sun rises instead.

But I love it already. I'm running until I'm nauseous, and even though I feel like crap right after, it doesn't take long to feel amazing. Energized, less stress, stronger - it's wonderful. I don't think I realized how badly I'd let myself get down. The last 2 months have been a blur of the loss of LL, Justin deploying, countless medical tests and hoops to jump through, and trying to get everything that's been neglected taken care of. I push the sadness, the worry, and the frustration down and bottle it up inside. I have a few great friends there are there to listen to me vent, but I tend to play-down a lot of what I'm feeling. I'm afraid that if I let it all out, it will overwhelm me, and that's a scary thing.

But I need an outlet, and I'm so excited that this seems to be it. I also hope that when Justin comes home, this is something we can do together. I really feel like it's just a matter of time before I'm feeling like myself again.

Let's Get It Started!

Everything, that is! It's go time, and I am psyched.

This morning, I signed up for the Couch to 5k program my friends have raved about.

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

I have 8 weeks until the 5k out of town, and I'm determined to run the whole thing without stopping or slowing to a walk. I know I can do it, and I'm not giving up until I reach my goal. I'm have a shelf in my closet of pants I outgrew but refused to get rid of. Pants that haven't fit since I was 20. And I'm going to get my ass in them, and rock them again.

Also, if you look to the right, you'll see a new little icon on my page. After a long time talking about doing this, and having lots of people ask me about it, I'm moving forward with selling my scrapbook frames. There's not much in my portfolio for now, as I've just been doing them for my home or for gifts, but I have a ton of new ideas and items that I'm working on. I can't wait to introduce them, including an all military themed line! I love doing these, and it's great to give me something to keep busy with. :)

I also want to take a second to share a friend's amazing page as well. She makes custom military purses, tote bags, keychains, and even pet beds! Check it out:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001328146321&ref=ts

Lastly in the news, I took a legitimate first step in my IUI journey. As you've read, I've had a hell of a time with referrals, being bounced around Dr. to Dr., and trying to jump through 100 hoops to *maybe* get a spot at the IVF/IUI clinic the Army sends you to. Right now there are still not even CONSULT spots open, and there is really no way of knowing if I'd get in and be able to do the procedure before Justin comes home. This struggle is tough enough without all this stress of getting a plan together this way.

So, I'm done with trying to work it all out. I'm going to do this on my time, at my place of choice, and unfortunately lol, with my money. I'm to a point where it is worth my sanity to just do this out of pocket. I spent a lot of days calling around to places within driving distance, and found what I believe will be a wonderful fit. The cryobank where I would pick up the samples is in Austin, so ideally my clinic would be too, and that's what I've found. The people I've spoken with so far are great, and the best part if that they remember who I am when I call. That's not something that happens when you're being seen on-base. They seem proactive, positive, and even offer 50% off of all my tests and procedures done through them as a military discount. I cried when they told me that.

It's like this huge weight is of my shoulders with all this. All my RPL tests came back normal, and we've done everything possible through the IF specialist on base. Now the ball is in my court, and it is such a relief feeling like I'm in control of my care with this, and seeing an end in sight by having a real timeline for getting to the IUIs. My consult is next week, and I'm excited to meet the Dr. that will be handling everything. I'm praying that this is the Dr. and the place that will lead to our take home baby.

Make New Friends But Keep the Old

Or however that lame camp song went. It's absolutely right.

The 19-21 of this month, I had the opportunity to go on a retreat with a group of Army wives who also have their husbands deployed. To be honest, I was nervous about going. I didn't really know anyone, but it seemed most everyone had kids they were bringing. I was afraid it was going to be hard on my heart, but decided to give it a shot anyhow.

There were moments I excused myself, yes. Sitting at a table where everyone is only talking about their kids is tough. Even tougher when I'd get the "Do you have kids? Oh, why not, do you no want them?" questions. Because you know, the only reason someone wouldn't have kids is because they chose not to, right? Sigh. But I'm aware that most people just don't understand, and mean well, so I am getting better at taking those comments with a grain of salt. If it got to be too much, I'd just skip the meal and eat in my room, or go to the spa - which was fabulous.

View from my room.

The second day I spent drinking pina coladas by the pool and enjoying my opportunity to be at such a beautiful place. I ordered room service for dinner, and got ready for the night. I found a fabulous group of girls that either didn't have kids, or got sitters for the evening. We had drinks and chatted at the great bar in the hotel, and kicked it up a notch by taking a shuttle to the local bar and dance hall, and had a wonderful time. We also had some heart to hearts, where I learned of others who had been through losses, which let me open up about my own, and even had a woman come to me and ask more about my story. It was a pretty amazing not feeling like I have to hide away the struggles in fear of making someone uncomfortable. It really was a great trip, and I'm so glad I went and made some new friends.

I also got to see my oldest friend last week! I picked up Christie at the Austin airport on my way home from the spa. She's the first person to come and visit me in Texas, and we had some serious catching up to do. :) We went to "Summer Fun" at the water park the first night - an adults only, BYOB and live music event, and that was a blast. We went to some dinners out, I showed her around town and base, and tried to take her places she could only go in Texas. We also went to Belton Lake once school started back, and practically had the place to ourselves. It was great, and so relaxing. Mostly we just kept things low key though, and really got to talk and catch up on things. We haven't actually seen each other in a long time, so it was really nice to hang out. I'm so happy she came to see me, and I hope that she will again so we can check out some stuff outside of town!

The Best Thing

Yeah we've got bills to pay
And we got nothin' figured out
When it gets hard to take
Yes, yes, this is what I thought about

Do you remember we were sittin' there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing that's ever been mine


-TS-

Loving you is as easy as breathing. But when things get tough for us - distance, finances, obstacles - I think I love you even more, because I remember how far we've come, and how we can make it through anything. Together. I miss you, soldier.

A Little Progress.

Slowly but surely, it's moving forward! I had an appointment with my RE on Tuesday, who I adore. The HSG results came back great, thank goodness. Also, I'd been worried I'd really have to push for RPL testing, but she offered it to me without me asking. I was so grateful, she really is amazing. I was able to go the the lab right after my appointment and get it done, and I'll go back to see her in 3 weeks to go over the results.

The bad news is the place that Tricare sends you for IUI/IVF is full, and not taking new consults. I am very fortunate to live within driving distance to this facility, as it's one of only *I believe* 3 base hospitals in the country that do these procedures. If that means I have to wait a little, then that's what I'll do. Hopefully I can get some more information when I got back in a few weeks. Besides, I want to know all my test results and figure out what my new cycle "normal" will be before I make any kind of plans with the procedures anyway. It would just be nice to know I could get in and get established, so that it was all set when that time comes, but I'm trying to be patient.

Two steps forward, one step back - but that still gets you there eventually. :)

Happy Anniversary, Soldier.

Today is mine and Justin's 2 year wedding anniversary. Obviously, I'll be spending it alone, and that kind of sucks. However, it would be more than enough for me just to hear from him. It's so hard to have him gone.

I can't believe it's been 2 years since we said I do. It was the happiest day of my life, and every day since, I've fallen more in love with him. Justin means everything to me, and we get stronger as a couple at every turn. I don't think either of us expected to face the things we have in our first 2 years of marriage, but we've gotten through it together. There is no one else in the world I would want by my side in the good times and the bad.

Right now, yeah, things are tough. I worry about my husband, and I miss him constantly. It's a long road that we have ahead of us with the rest of the deployment, but I'm confident that it will be yet another thing that makes us stronger. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. We have found a perfect mix of fairy tale and friendship, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

My Mav - I love you with all my heart. Happy anniversary, baby. Stay safe soldier.

100 times a day.

I woke up this morning to thoughts of you. I paid some bills, took care of our furballs, and ran the errands.  I cleaned up our bedroom that somehow seems more empty now than it did before our new furniture was delivered. I sat in my Dr's appointment and cried when I was asked how I was doing. I cried when I found out my referral hadn't been submitted. I cried when someone said something that hurt my feelings. Then tonight, I realized I hadn't eaten today, so opened up some cereal. I poured the bowl, a prize fell out, and I actually smiled. I smiled because I thought about how you would have like that silly little toy. And for the 100th time today, I wished that you were here.

Me Time.

I miss my husband terribly. I hope he knows how incredibly proud of him I am, and how much I love him. This first deployment is a big deal. He's going to be changing and growing as a person in his time away, and I feel I owe it to myself to be doing the same.

I'm not one of those people who can sit around and do nothing. I have big plans for spending my "me time" while DH is away, and I hope I can accomplish all my goals in this next year. These are the things I'm planning to do:

It might sounds a little Stepford, but I like to learn how to do more typical "wife" things. To the great disappointment of my ILs, I do not have dinner ready on the table each day when DH would get home from work. I'm just not that girl. However, I would like to learn to cook. There are 6 things that I can cook from scratch, and one of them, I literally blew up last week. As in, the glass pan literally exploded. Don't ask. My friend and I are also going to take the Wilton cake decorating class, and I'm really excited for that.

I would also like to learn how to sew. My Grandma gave me her sewing machine before she passed away, and I think it's time I learn how to put it to good use. Taking up closet space still in the box is not good use. I have been looking for new throw pillows for the couch since we are redoing the living room. I can't find anything I like, and if I do, it's insanely expensive. It's a square of material stuffed with fluff for goodness sake - surely I can handle that! Famous last words, perhaps, but I'm going to try.

I want to be in better shape, and I'm going to do something about it. I am psyched to start back at Tae Kwon Do (I took it for 10 years when I was younger) and dancing again. I'm going to take line dancing classes, as well as jazz and tap.

I've almost finished getting everything to redecorate the house, too. That's been a great therapy, actually - knowing that I'm getting everything finished and comfortable for me, and for when Justin comes home.

Lastly, I'm still waiting on my referral to my new RE. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling on the repeat loss testing they want to do, as well as the HSG and possibly other things. I'm ready to start preparing for IUI's, but obviously I can't move forward until I've gotten all my results, and hopefully some answers, so that we can get the best possible plan for me.

Ok, ADD - I'm bored of writing and going to get lunch.

The way it should be...

...is rarely the way it is. But there is nothing you can do about it but learn and move forward.

Today was my EDD for Pumpkin. Today was hard. I should have spent it welcoming my sweet baby into the world. It hurts so deeply still, but surprisingly, I am feeling strong and kind of snarky today. I would do anything to have met my little one today, and it still breaks my heart that it didn't work out that way. It breaks my heart that I've had another loss since then. That so many of my friends are going through the same thing. That my husband is about to leave for war.

All those things and more break my heart. Are any of these things fair? No. Is that life? Yes.

There are days I'd like nothing more than to curl up in a hole and cry myself into oblivion. But it's not always possible. And frankly, it's not going to do me any good. It is so frustrating to hear people whine about things I'd be thrilled for. Complain about situations that they chose for themselves.

That's why when people ask how I handle Justin deploying and the things that come with the Army schedule, I say "I just do." What other choice do I have? I knew full well the sacrifices I'd have to make in this life. Being stationed wherever Justin is needed was part of the deal. We make less money than we are accustomed to having, but again, that's part of the package. You just do it. You make the most of the life you chose. You learn to deal with the things that happen that you can't control.

I'm just over it. Over the warped sense of entitlement people have. Over thinking the world is fair and just. I spent my whole life in a world that cared about what they saw on the outside. Busting my ass to have this shiny little life. I thought I was happy in that world.

And then I fell in love with a man so completely opposite of all that. Who saw me for me, and loved me no matter what. I realized that things are just that. Things. I'd live in a box in a town I hated if it meant being with him. Material things come and go, but love like what we have is so much stronger than that. It means everything to me to have this man as my husband, and God willing, for us to have a family.

We miss our babies every single day. We always will. So no, today was not how it *should* have been. But today, at this moment, this is our life. Mommy and Daddy love you, Savannah. We didn't get to meet you today, but one day, we will hold you in our arms.

Changed My Mind.

I was going to stay away from the blogs for a while, but I'm angry and I need to get it out.

Last week shared that I was ecstatic that I was going to share my pregnancy journey with one of my best friends. We'd been through so much together, and we were thrilled to have it work out this way.

We got our BFPs within about a day of each other, and now we are miscarrying within a day of each other. WTF.

Dear universe,
  This is SO NOT what I meant when I hoped and prayed we would get to go through this journey together. Perhaps I should have been more specific.
  Kbye.

  PS I hate you.

Becca, love - I am so sorry. I am here for you anytime in anyway I can be. I love you.

Oh, and while this was starting for her, she said the most heart-wrenching, beautiful thing to me.

"I guess our babies just wanted to be together sooner."

Knife, meet heart. This is not how it was supposed to be. It is not okay or fair that my amazing friend has to hurt like this. That our babies don't get to grow up and be friends on earth, by our sides. That our babies don't get to grow up at all.

I'm heartbroken. And pissed. I don't understand. I'll never understand. And I'm tired of people trying to tell me that it will be okay. Sorry, I'm not looking to the future much right now, I'm too busy mourning the events of the present. And those are VALID feelings. MY feelings. And I will grieve if I choose to. I told off the Dr. that came into my room at the ER to confirm that my beta's had plummeted. He said it so peppy and nonchalant, and goes "you're so young, you can try again!" STFU.

WTF is so hard to understand about that RIGHT NOW I'm losing another child. That RIGHT NOW that is crushing me. How in the hell does the fact that I have years ahead of me to try for another baby makes people think I shouldn't be devastated that I've lost THIS baby. I wanted THIS baby.

I'm broken. In so many ways. I'm so beyond sad for myself, for Becca, for my other amazing, deserving friends that are going through this. For my husband, who deserves to be a father and has to go away to effing Afghanistan broken hearted and worried about me.

And I can't even break down yet. I won't do that to him while he's still here. They pushed back his leaving to be with me for this, which I wholeheartedly appreciate - because I would lose it if he was gone already.  But I also don't want our last bit of time together to be spent like that, because he's going through this too. He hurts too.

None of this is okay.

And Just Like That, It's Over.

After spending 7 hours in the ER last night, we lost another baby. I am numb and heartbroken, and angry.

Thank goodness for my friends - my elephants. And for my amazing husband, who should have been coming back from deployment to our baby. Not fair. Not okay.

That's all. No more blogs for a while.

We All Need Somebody to Lean On.

I don't know what I would do without my friends. I've been so blessed to make the friends I have on my board. I never expected to connect like this with women I don't even know in real life, but we've been there to support each other, understand each other, and laugh and cry with each other. I've also been lucky enough to have a good handful group of girls I now consider some of my best friends.

What's really amazing right now is that through the last 6 months, we've all been at different places in our struggles, cycles, and plans. My "buddy" and I have been on opposite ends of the spectrum. I've had 26 day cycles, with late O/LPD combo, and she's had a 100 day cycle and no O. Yet I've had this feeling that we would be doing this together. Something in my head that said when it happened for one of us, it would happen for both of us. I chalked it up to wishful thinking. Until it happened.

Becca and I have talked for months about me visiting and us having matching baby bumps. Sharing so many positive thoughts and prayers for BFPs each cycle, even though we were normally testing at different times. Even when it was easy to lose hope, she always kept me so optimistic. I don't know what I'd have done without her in my life the last 6 months. She helped me keep belief in my heart that things would work out, and to have faith in God. Last week, she got her BFP too! 2 days after me, and we are due 2 days apart. I can't even explain how happy it makes my heart that we are in this together. I am so looking forward to visiting her and going shopping for our little ones. She is truly one of my best friends, and she understands my feelings better anyone I know. I love you, Becca - and your growing little one, too!

The last week or two in general was a huge wave with the board. I am so happy and blessed to also be sharing my due date week with my dear friends Celeste and Val! Stick babies, grow babies! We all want to meet our little February bundles of joy.

Wonderful Weekend.

Justin and I have been making the absolute most of our time together. We've been going to whatever restaurants he wanted to go to, which has been fun but bittersweet because we know each time that it's our last trip there together for the next year. Going to movies, going on trips - just anything we feel like doing while we still can. Thursday night we went bowling on base. We went bowling on our first date 4 and a half years ago, and we still enjoy going together! On Friday, we went to see Killers, which was pretty funny. On Saturday we went to the lake for the day, which was so fun. We swam, lounged on on the beach, and Justin got to do the water slides.



Sunday was of course Father's Day, and I wanted it to be special for Justin. Mother's Day was a pretty big fail, but yesterday we certainly had something to celebrate. I made him a car from the cats, Pumpkin Angel, and Baby Longhorn and he loved it. We went to lunch at our favorite mexican restaurant, and tried out a new church last night.

We chose to try this church because they had an evening service, but now I feel like we found it for a reason. We'd yet to find a home church in our 9 months in Texas, and it kind of stinks that we find it right before Justin leaves, but we are still so grateful. I'm thrilled that I will have this church to be a part of while he is away. Before the service actually started, the pastor made a few announcements. One of them was looking for a few more volunteers for Vacation Bible School, and Justin just looked at me and smiled. It felt right, and I wanted to get involved, so in July I'll be teaching VBS! I met a great woman who runs a lot of the youth events, and I look forward to joining a women's group as well.

As much as I don't want Justin to leave, things are at least coming together for while he's gone. I know that is helping out Justin's mind at ease - and that's the most important thing. He's going to have enough on his mind, and I don't want him too worried about me. I knew this was in the Army Wife job description when Justin and I decided to commit to this lifestyle. My husband is my hero, and I'm so proud of what he's doing. It's my job to support him, and that's what I'm going to do. He's so strong for me, and I owe the same thing to him. I'm so lucky to have him as my husband.

Elephant love.

Elephant fact: 
When a mother elephant loses her baby, the herd will stand around her, supporting her, for as long as it takes her to be ready to move forward. Even years later, elephant have been observed revisiting the site where one of their herd or family had died. They will remain here for days at a time, mourning the loss of that one.

My heart goes out to the amazing women I know going through this again. Sending you lots of love. I'm so sorry, and I'm here for you if there is ever anything I can do. (HUGS)

The power of prayer...

...is astounding. God is so good.

"For this Child, I have prayed..."
-1 Samuel 1:27-

Miracles happen. I got mine yesterday.



I'm ecstatic. Nervous. Grateful. And about 10 other emotions that can't be conveyed in words. Justin leaves this month for deployment. This was our last chance to start a family for the next year, and we were trying to be positive without setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Which I guess, is the same boat I'm still in. Cautiously optimistic, I should say.

I always hated the cliche "everything happens for a reason" when people tried to comfort me about losing Savannah. It hurt to think I lost her for a reason, but I'm starting to learn more that God really does have a plan for us, and we just can't see it at the time.

This was our miracle BFP after all we've been through and with the obstacle of the deployment. Justin's scheduled R&R falls when I'm due - and I wasn't pregnant when he requested those dates. I just have to believe that there is a reason the timing worked out like it did, and that this will be our take home baby.

I miss Pumpkin. I will love her forever, and she will always be our first baby. But I also think about that I was due July 11. Justin would have come home next year to a 1 year old that didn't know who he was. Now I would obviously rather have dealt with that situation that to have lost her, but like to think our angel baby is looking out for her little brother or sister. That there will be a baby that we never would have known if we hadn't gone through losing SG. That there was a reason for it after all. My heart needs to believe that.

I am praying everyday that this baby grows stronger and bigger. Praying for the safety of their Daddy and the other men and women serving around the world. That Daddy will get to meet them when he comes home from war. That he or she will be healthy and happy and know how much we love them. Please little baby, stick with me. I promise you, Daddy and I will love you more than anything.

I guess that's about all for now!

I've taken the link to this blog off of my Facebook. The only people that know about the new baby are the girls on my board, and my parents. I would appreciate if anyone reading is my friend on Facebook, that you not mention it on there so I may share with family in my own time. Thank you!

Well, that's just lovely.

I knew it was coming. I was getting to that age where the distance between where I'm at with life, and where some of my friends are, was just too vast to bridge. It's happened slowly but surely. Not to mention painfully. Little by little the people I spent my fun and free college days with have dropped from my life. I look at my amazing husband, and forget sometimes that we aren't the same 20 year old kids that think love, and a few cold drinks, is all you need in life. But we aren't those kids anymore.

We are 5 years older, a little bit wiser, and have slightly different priorities. I'm still crazy in love with Justin, just like I have been for years, and I'm lucky to have him as a husband and best friend. But we've changed. We've grown up together, and grown stronger as a couple. It's necessary to do that to keep a strong, healthy relationship - whether it's as husband as wife, or in friendships.

I lost someone from my life today that I didn't expect. I thought we had done such a good job growing in the same directions, had seen each other through some dark days, and some great times. Today I realized that sometimes, even if you think you're on the same page with someone, you might actually be in different books. When that happens, it's best just to just turn the page in your own book, and move forward. It hurts. Pretty deeply. It makes you question years of a relationship that maybe wasn't what you thought it was. But like they say - sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

If you read the blog, you already know that my husband will be heading to Afghanistan very soon. The last thing I have is the time, patience, or energy to deal with drama. I'm still young, but I'm too old for that. If there is one thing I've learned from all that I've been through this year, it's that you find out who you friends are when things go bad. A real friend will happily support you, be a shoulder for you, and won't judge you - because they know you'll do the same for them. If someone expects those things from you, yet only tolerates you when you're not at your best - they aren't worth it.

I'm going to be okay. For every friend I've lost due to time, age, or situation - I've gained a wonderful one. I have amazing women in my life who respect where I'm coming from. Respect me. I am so blessed to have them.

Time To Play Catch Up.

So I've been a massive blog slacker! Actually, it's just been a shift in priorities and this, and a lot of my internet time, have not made the cut. Justin will be deploying soon, and as much as possible, my time has been his. However, right now he is happily occupied with the Wii, so I thought I'd try and recap our life lately.

We went home at the beginning of May to NC. It was so nice to be able to go home, relax, and see our families. We also got to spend a night in our college town to see friends, and we had a blast. It was a much needed trip overall, and we were fortunate to get to make it.

I've been feeling a lot better lately. I'm eating completely differently. Better. And my friend Becca and I have been workout buddies with the 30 Day Shred! I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks with such simple changes. I have more energy, better self esteem, and I just feel good. It's a nice change.

The last 2 weeks have gone by pretty quickly - though that seems to be the case the closer it gets to Justin leaving. I do not like it one bit. He's had a ton to do to get ready, and things have been kind of crazy. This past weekend was nice though, because he got a 4 day holiday for Memorial Day. Last night we had a cookout with our neighbors and some other friends, and it was a lot of fun. We also got a giant kiddy pool that we've been thoroughly enjoying in this nice hot weather. Plus beer. Also enjoyable.

We've gotten all out blood work back from the RE, and all is well. In fact all of the testing we've gone through so far has come back normal. Which is good, yes, but it's hard not to have answers. I'm on 100 mg Clomid this cycle (currently CD15) and honestly, I'm not going to stress about this cycle. My husband, my very best friend, the love of my life - is about to go to Afghanistan for a year. I'm going to enjoy my time with him, and not freak out about the IF issues. We've done all we can at this point, and that's that.

We are going to Austin this weekend, our favorite! We managed to get a suite on 6th Street downtown, so we don't have to worry about traffic or a cab to go out. Thanks to an awesome tip from one of the TTCAL girls, we scored 2 gift certificates for each night we are staying for dinners! One to our favorite chinese place in Chinatown Center, and another to a rooftop place downtown. Very excited! I'm also lamely excited to go to Whole Foods. I've recently gone back vegetarian and there just isn't a lot of variety around here for that. I just can't wait for the trip, I know it will be so much fun. We just want to make the very most of the time we have together.

I'm going to miss him like I can't even describe. It breaks my heart and he's not even gone yet. It's been helping me a little to make plans. I'm trying to find us a new house, so that he's got something great to come home to. I'm going to be in school. I'm going to take Tae Kwon Do. I'm going to take dance. And I've been planning stuff for us to do on his R&R and when he gets home. It's helping by having things to look forward to.

Anyhow, I'm getting sad and I don't want to be, so I'm going to spend some time with the hubs.

It all just feels so fake, ya know? This idea that good things happen to good people. That there's magic in the world, and that the meek and the righteous will inherit it. Too many good people suffer for that to be true. Too many prayers go unanswered. And every day it just gets worse. Every day we ignore how truly broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it's all going to be okay. But it's not going to be okay. And once you know that, there's no going back. There's no magic in the world...at least today there isn't.
-One Tree Hill-


I'm not in depressed mode. At all actually. I just heard this quote while catching up on Tivo and it reminded me of my wonderful friends on TTCAL. How unfair it is that these amazing, giving, kind, women have to go through such awful things that they don't deserve. I do have dark days still once in a while. I just liked the way this was said, because on those dark days, sometimes you just can't find the words. 


I love you ladies. On your happiest or darkest days, I'm here. Just like I know you are for me, and I can't thank you enough for that.

International Babylost Mother's Day.

It falls on the first Sunday each May. This years was yesterday, May 2nd. This explantation of what this day means and honors comes from the Facebook page for the event. 

"United in grief, we find love and strength. IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her first baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life. On this special day in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition. If you know a babylost woman why not tell her today that she is a beautiful mother."

It meant so much to me to have friends acknowledge the day, what it meant, and our little Pumpkin angel. Everyone gets so caught up in Mother's Day next Sunday, and generally think there is only one definition of what a mother is. There's not. There are so many types of moms out there, and they are all equally important roles to the women that fill them.

I am the mommy to a beautiful angel baby. Pumpkin will always be my first baby, and she will be a great guardian angel big sister if we are blessed with another baby. I am also a mommy to my furbabies. They don't understand that they are cats. In their world, they are little people and I'm their momma. They love me and depend on me to take care of them. 

I don't expect everyone to understand where I'm coming from with those things. And frankly, I don't care, because they work for me, and that's what matters. That's what helps me heart feel healed and gives me peace. No, I don't expect you to understand my feelings, but I do expect that you respect them. I don't think people grasp how hurtful it is for them to pretend that I am not going through all this. I don't want sympathy, or puppies and rainbows. What I do want is for people I *thought* were my close friends to not completely ignore that I told them about the child I lost as if I never told them at all.

So to anyone out there that has a friend who has lost a child... you don't have to know exactly what to say. Just tell them your sorry, ask how they are once in a while, and acknowledge that they are going through something. Something that you don't understand, but that is still very real. If you expect them to listen to you whine about your job and be supportive - the least you can do is not blatantly ignore that they told you about their loss. That's just crappy.

So reach out to a friend that may be hurting, or needing a shoulder to lean on. This day is about recognizing all mothers, and supporting people. Happy IBMD to all my beautiful friends and mothers of angels.

Angels Among Us.

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. As much as I hate the way I've met a lot of my new friends, I can't imagine life without them in it. That my heart can be touched so deeply by women I've never met in real life constantly amazes me.

The last week or so, I've been a mess for some reason. I haven't been particularly unhappy, in fact there are a lot of things I'm looking forward to. I think I've just been overwhelmed with so much going on. On Thursday, I got a message from a good friend - the amazing Becca - to check my mail.

That night I opened a box with a beautifully wrapped gift and hand made card inside. I cried before I'd even ripped off the paper, and the tears flowed freely when I saw this.





As I read the beautifully written card, I realized how lucky I was. The hardest thing I've ever gone through brought me to the greatest people I've ever known. Becca had bought herself this same Willow Tree angel in memory of her angel baby, and decided that I needed one too. Just because. It made my heart just swell to have such a beautiful person inside and out as a friend. Even though we haven't gotten to meet in real life yet, I'm so thankful to have her in my life. But we will meet, as I plan to fly up to see her later this year after Justin deploys, and we hope to have cute matching baby bumps to compare!

I just wanted to share this story again on here, and take another opportunity to say "thank you!" again. Becca, you are amazing and I love you!

A little positivity.

This has been circling the community I'm a part of, and so many of us have adapted it as a personal theme song - and with good reason. I'm sure this song was never intended to be about TTCAL, but the lyrics speak straight to my heart about exactly that struggle and process, being hopeful in the future.

This whole process is frustrating, heartbreaking, and exhausting emotionally. But no matter what I go through, if I get a healthy happy baby out of it, it's beyond worth it. So I wanted to share this song, because  it really does help me be more positive about it all.

~~~~~~~

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair in love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

I just haven't met you yet...


-Michael Buble-

Infertility Awareness.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

This is a long one.

I talked to my Dad on Thursday, and he's set to have more spinal surgeries (he's had 8 so far) in the months to come. The first one would be on the first day of Justin's pre-deployment leave, and there was no way he and my mom could come visit anymore. Justin and I were both really bummed out to not see them before he left. So my dad worked something out where we could fly home instead! We will be mostly at home with our parents, but plan on going to Greenville for just one night. It's a really last minute trip, but I'm looking forward to it. 

Anyhow, on Saturday we went to the pool on base with our neighbors. Justin and I have gotten into swimming, and I didn't realize how much I missed it. It's been a lot of fun. Afterwards we all went to Dairy Queen for Blizzards, yum.

When we get there, my neighbor saw a large dog laying outside. He's not getting up, but he's alert. I wanted to go check on him, but I've had to go through the months of rabies vaccinations before, and I was scared. But then we hear from the DQ people that the dog has been out there since noon, and they had called animal control then. It was 130 at the time and still no one had come. And that made me mad.

I decided we would take him water. Around that time another guy was heading out there, and the poor pup pees himself because he's scared. So we knew he wasn't vicious, and we sat down with him. It looked as if he'd been hit and rolled by a car and he was starting to give up. We got him to drink a little, and found tags on his collar for his vet. We called the vet on the tag, the no-kill shelter, and animal control 10 more times, and no one was doing anything. The other guy had to leave, but Justin and I stayed out there. After about 2 hours of sitting outside we flagged down cops from the main road. They were nice enough to stay out there with us and radio in help. 

Eventually, the shelter gets there and does the micro-chip scan. The cops radio animal control, who were on the way, and turns out the owners have been calling asking about someone finding him all day. The poor pup was 11 years old, and had run away the night before because he got really scared of a bad storm we were having. It just broke my heart that SO many people just drove right by, walked right by - and left him on the side of the road! UGH it still makes me so angry to think about it! AND that someone hit him in the first place and just left him there. I just hate people. But his owners came out to get him and take him to the vet and they were so happy and relieved and it just made everything worth it. What a day. 

While I'm Waiting.

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting, I will serve You
While I’m waiting, I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait
-JW-

Infertility. There I said it.

Infertile. That's what I'm officially labeled as of today according to my insurance. That rips me apart to use that term. AF showed up, making it one year of trying with nothing to show for it but a broken heart. I never imagined I'd be this girl. No one ever expects to be. Yet here I am, making calls to go to specialists and get testing, and doing everything I can to find some answers and hopefully a solution before Justin deploys. I hate this, this sucks so badly. And it doesn't help than in the last year I've had to see countless people have healthy unplanned, unwanted pregnancies. It's infuriating. I know I'm not meant to understand why things happen like they do. I know life in unfair. But it is still 10 kinds of effed up to see my beautiful, amazing, selfless, thoughtful friends want a family so badly and go through hell to try for one - all while seeing girls use the kids they never had to try for as nothing more than an accessory, a blackmail tool, and a meal ticket. It's sickening.

And the worst part of all of this I think is to know how much my husband hurts. To not feel guilty, and like he got the short end of the stick -- a broken wife. He's been a rock. There for me when I cry, or scream, or shut down. Willing to try anything and everything to help. And then I have to see that look on his face when I tell him it didn't happen this month. Again. I hate it hate it hate it.

And of course he has known exactly the right thing to say to make me feel better. I told him I was sorry I was broken and that I broke our baby. And he tells me it's not true, holds me, and tells me it all be okay. And then he says something amazing...

He tells me that he'd rather us have a tough road than one where we take everything for granted. We've seen first hand what happens when people opt for instant gratification over working for something. They fall flat on their face once they get what they thought they wanted. Things have rarely been easy for us in the 4+years we've been together, and we are all the stronger because of it. I'm so proud of our marriage and our life together. He's my best friend. He's the love of my life. He's my favorite person in the world. We have a strong, solid foundation, and are on the same page with every major challenge or goal. We will have a child, and we will be that more more grateful for that blessing. Love a child that more more because we know what we've overcome to have them.

So I have hope. I have faith. But I still have a deep heartache. All I've done is cry all day. Justin wants to go swim tonight, so I'm hoping that will help. I figure I'll just swim laps until I can't move my arms anymore, and get as much of the hurt out as I can.

I got an appointment at 730 tomorrow morning to do my IF consult. Then I'll get a referral to an RE or to the IF Clinic on post. We will see. Until then, I'm going to keep praying. Keep trying. Keep overcoming whatever obstacles that are placed in our path.

My Furbabies.

I thought I needed a happy post, and since my furballs always make me happy, here it goes...

These sweeties made my day today. I was sitting in the recliner, and Carrie was asleep on the footrest. Kenny, wanting to lay with me, jumps up there too. There wasn't room for his 17 pound butt, so he just sat right on top of Carrie. Half of her little 7 pound self is under Kenny, and neither of them even cared. They just took a nap right there with me.



I adore them. I love sharing my furbabies!

This is Kenny. He was our first rescue, and we got him at the Pitt County Animal Shelter right after Justin and I moved in together in 2007. He'd been hit by a car, was missing half his tail, and was so sad and needy. He grabbed my jeans through his cage and cried. I picked him up, and he fell asleep purring on my shoulder. I knew we weren't leaving that shelter without him. He's rotten, huge now, and a total momma's boy.





Then there is Reba. She was in the cage above Kenny at the shelter. She'd been dropped off my her owners when she got pregnant. The shelter let her have her kittens, and all of them were adopted out. They were about to put her down (breaks my heart to this day) and Justin had fallen in love. We went back the next day and adopted her, too. She is daddy's girl, and freaks out when he's gone for too long!





Then, there are the twins! Every year before my beloved Grandma Gladys passed away, my dad's whole side of the family would go to her house for Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving 2007, my Grandma's neighbors had a bunch of animals running around their yard. No food, water, or shelter for them. There were 4 tiny little kittens, and my family decided to save them. Justin told me he was going to surprise me with a shelter kitten for Christmas, but that these kittens needed us now. My uncle and my cousin each took a kitten.  We were going to just take one, but we couldn't leave the last kitten all alone. So Carrie, and little runt Cash were the final furball additions to our family! They are crazy, and so much fun. And because of their hard start in life, they were very stunted in their growth. Compared to 17 lb. Kenny and 15 lb. Reba, Carrie and Cash only weigh 7 and 5 lbs. respectively.




Carrie


Cash


I don't car how "crazy cat lady" it sounds, these babies fill the holes in my heart when it hurts. They are my only friends some days, and they know when I'm sad. They make me feel needed when I feel useless, which is a lot lately. When Justin was gone for 9 months training, they kept me company and make me smile. Because of all that, I thought they deserved an entry all their own.

Moving forward.

When I started this blog, I did it for myself. I needed to write - as if it were to the world - but for only me to see. Even though I haven't posted many entries, it has helped me heal so much. It's been three months since my surgery where they took my Pumpkin away. The three hardest  months of my life. But lately, something new has started to break through the pain. Hope.

I have hope again. I have fun again. I can look toward the future, and trying again without being broken hearted and terrified. And with all this - I'm no longer trying to hide what I've been through. Losing a child isn't something I'd wish on anyone. It's the worst thing I've ever been through, and I will never be the same. And unless someone has been through it - they can never understand. It's a club that no one wants to join. But it's also taboo. No one talks about it. No one knows what to say. And I certainly can understand to a point, because I'm just at a very different place in my life than most of my friends. But it's still quite hard when people who you thought were your best friends stop keeping up with you because of it. I am STILL ME. This is a part of me now, but it doesn't define me. Why can't I talk to my friends about the good and the bad parts of my life, the way I listen to their ups and downs? How is it fair that they want me to spend my time and money to fly home and visit, when they can't even call when they say they will? I love that quote... "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." So true. And I'm done with the fair weather friends who expect so much without giving anything in return. And I feel great about it.

I am also very lucky to have some new friends in Texas. I have friends that I adore from all different backgrounds and all at different points in their lives. But it's also nice to have people that are going through the same things as you. My new friends here are my age, out of college, and also Army couples. What time we've spent together has been so fun, and has meant more to me than they may realize.

I have realized in the last few weeks that as much as I miss home and my family and friends... my life is here now. Justin and I have a real home, that I have worked so hard on. He's got his career, that I am so proud of him for. I'm back in school. We have great friends. Our cats adore it here. We love that we can run to Dallas or Austin (our fav) for the weekend. It fits us. Texas is home.

I'm happy. I can't remember the last time I could say that.