Feb 27, 2026, 15:37

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 15:37:37 +0000

I think I might understand why depression can be deadly.

It started with the thought of the Spring Festival holiday ending soon and having to go back to work, which made me a little sad. Then I realized I hadn't done anything meaningful during the holiday, which made me even more unhappy.

A friend said they wanted to eat noodles (the one with soybean paste, a traditional dish from Beijing) tomorrow, but I couldn't find suitable noodles in Yunnan. The ones sold in supermarkets didn't meet my requirements, so I decided to make them myself. Since it's for tomorrow, I tried a new recipe today, attempting to extend the shelf life by reducing the dough's water content. But lower water content (33%) means the dough will be stiff. I have a Schneider mixer with a pasta attachment, but it seems like I broke it today, probably due to the stiff dough. So, it took me over five hours to make just 1 kg of raw noodles (which, if I was in Beijing, I can just bought it for like 3 USD with 15 minutes walk from my home to the store, round trip). After that, I spent another hour cleaning the kitchen.

Then I felt exhausted, and the broken mixer attachment made me feel frustrated. Just then, a thought suddenly popped into my head: I'm so tired, I don't want to live anymore. It just popped into my head so naturally that there is no alarm about it. Looking back, I think I was basically not looking forward to living. I wasn't looking forward to my friends coming home for noodles tomorrow, nor was I looking forward to resting tonight. If someone had suddenly broken into my place and said he was going to kill me, I probably would have said "ok, just do it".

Of course, soon another part of my brain started screaming that this is not correct, and only then I suddenly realized what terrible things I was just thinking about.

Well, I certainly know there is something wrong with my mental health. But I'm not daring to investigate it (for now).