And Here we Go

I will be having surgery again since second opinion was a repeat of the first. Gotta get it done before the end of the year because of the money thing so I'll be getting out of hospital on X-mess Day. I don't care since I don't like the holiday anyway, but it fucks up everything for family. They're being good with it except Mom doesn't want me to do it, and frankly, I've never been scared before. I kinda am this time. Maybe it's just because everything has been so ugly so far, I don't know. I'm sure I'll be fine, but the whole getting ready thing has been stupid. 1st new Dr. appt. was lost, schedule with Dr. and Insurance was different, bloodwork today had me down for a different time than they gave me on the phone,..Hmmmm. Maybe I should rethink this  lol
Oh yeah, had to go back because they didn't take enough blood the first time, so they got to see me twice today.
Maybe I'll call the original Dr. and see if he can get me in instead.

Perspective, kinda

I have a Dr. appt. tomorrow to see if my Dr. is full of shit or not. My Dr. is all "Are you better than you were?" Yes, I am. "Am I as good as I'm gonna get?" Yes, without more surgery. Unacceptable.
Realized today, I don't hurt when I'm sleeping, but at least I'm sleeping because I couldn't for awhile because I hurt. I'm just tired of it. I hurt like hell yesterday, but for some reason I found a good mood, I haven't had one of those in a long time either. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Passionate Kisses?

Passion, lack of, specifically. Not necessarily romantic, just passion about anything. I didn't realize I'd lost mine until I heard a song. Music used to be my everything, happy, sad, whatever. Not so much anymore. Pretty much not at all anymore. I don't know if it's just depression, age, or whateverthefuck.
There is not much joy in my life these days, I have gone back to work, and yes, it's ugly. I'm managing that as best I can, but even before all this, I gave up on my music. I need to find that again, but I'm not sure how. I'm playing Doom, an old ass game because I used to care about that too, and listening to radio, hence the music. I feel 100 instead of 50 today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

This is Fun

Work is painful as hell, and I'm sitting on my as most of the time so really? Just life is painful, but there is not a moment I don't hurt, is this normal? I'm really tired of this shit. I see Dr. don't give a shit on the 13th and I'll be sure to be in a bad mood so we can have words. Fuck him and his "Are you better?" I'm not better anymore. I'm off the couch and something resembling walking, but I'm not me anymore.
I took 2 aleve, ran my ass off, opened and closed a garage door 100 times a day on top of lifting boxes, moving pallets.......you get the idea.
Today, I can't even pick up a  case of beer, can't walk more than 100 yds without a break, and aleve is  nothing. 2 hrs later I have to take something else because I hurt that much. I still hurt, but it becomes bearable. This is a crock of shit, I shouldn't hurt this much, I shouldn't have swelling, I should be well by now dammit.

RIP Veronica

You were a great dog. Whoever dumped you because you were pregnant did us both a favor. You got a loving home, and we got a loyal, loving dog. We also got your psycho daughter, but the tradeoff is worth it. She's sweet too, just not as laid back as you. She's now lying in the kitchen because she doesn't know what to do without you, but she'll be ok. I love you my dear, and miss you. Have fun running with everyone else, I know they're happy to see you.

Things Change

Annie suddenly brought up Veronica the other night, we came to the decision that it's coming, but she didn't want to do it just yet. Things aren't really worse than they have been, but something changed with her apparently. Yesterday she didn't want to do it this weekend, today she has it scheduled for Saturday. I didn't ask what changed her mind, and won't. It's time. I guess it's because we've never planned before that it bothers me, but hell, I've been wanting to for awhile now because she's having trouble. And that's all I have to say about that.

I Hate Doctors V1.2

Saw new Doc today, I actually shaved for this visit since he was looking at my veins. Yes, they suck, but he can't say that's what my problem is, so back to Ortho's problem, which means it's still my problem since Ortho doesn't give a shit. I did go get some shiny new stockings, which kill my left leg and that's probably not good, but at least I have them.
It's pretty bad when you're hoping for a blood clot, which will hopefully show up in the ultrasound I'll have Monday. At least that will be grounds for I can't go back to work, because there's still no way. If I have to I will, and hang around till they fire me because I'm not gonna be able to do much. The other problem is if I can do anything, I need a few hours to make it worthwhile for me to drive out there. At least something is better than nothing. I guess. I'm kicking myself for not trying for temporary disability, but I'm a pessimist, I really don't think that was gonna happen, and given the state of affairs in my state, I'm probably right.
I'm waiting till Monday to talk to work, get the test done, and that'll give me another week because they won't make the schedule until Saturday of next week, so I'm buying as much time as I can.
Off to sleep because I had to be up at the crack of dawn today and I've gotta do shit tomorrow whether I like it or not. Later.

Funny What You Remember

I was looking at ads, figuring out the grocery shopping and whole chickens are 59 cents a lb. For some reason that triggered a memory. As a kid I never knew you could buy chicken in parts. Mom always bought the whole one and we cut it up, and that was dinner that night.
I used to be a much better cook, when I was 12 lol because I cooked a lot. Mom worked so I was in charge of dinner most nights. During the summer I also did breakfast and lunch. We had pancakes a lot because they were easy, so I thought, back then I made them from scratch instead of from a mix, and obviously they were edible. We had eggs a lot for awhile because I'd seen someone crack one one-handed, so I had to learn how. I still do them that way.
Ok, funny shit to me, lots of memories in that cooking that I haven't thought about in years. I'll have to tell Mom about it. She'll get a kick out of some of it.

The Good, Bad, and The Weird

The good. Annie talked me into The Dive Friday night and The Assholes showed up. We threw a whole 3 games of darts and had a good time. I didn't hurt until Saturday, Sunday and today. Still, it's progress so I'm down with that.
The bad, besides my typing because I really need to cut my nails again. I found out someone I know passed away Saturday. I was thinking she was older than me, but nope, just had a harder life I guess. I've known her for years casually since her husband is a bartender/  manager. We hung out with a lot of the same people through the years. She was usually the one we made fun of because she was always too drunk to function.
Then I went to work at HellMart and she was there. She was always pleasant, professional and very cool. I revised my opinion, but never told her, or anyone about what I thought before.
I don't know what happened for sure, someone said she'd been sick. My opinion is she drank herself to death after HellMart fired her not long after she came back from medical leave. That thought hurts my heart, and I wish I'd told her how much I did appreciate her when I had the chance. She was a good woman with a horrible problem (I say as I sit here drinking another beer and shot of tequila).
I guess the weird is how much her death has bothered me. Hell, I cry at TV sometimes, but don't get all torn up about real people enough. I want to go to visitation at least, but it's way out there and I don't drive very far, and don't really have gas money, and I'm making excuses. So I may or may not.
Anyway, that's pretty much that for today. Our regularly scheduled "My Psychotic Ass" will return soon. Later kids.

Just Because

Frankenfoot was behaving for a bit, not so much this week, and I don't know why. It's frustrating as hell. I made a point of telling Annie how it was good Monday after getting out and about. Maybe that was it. It blew up Tuesday, and yesterday I went to dinner, by the time I got home you could see every strap from my sandal.
I'm supposed to lunch and throw darts with The Gnome tomorrow. We'll see if I do, and how things are after. Maybe it'll be awesome :)

I Told A Lie

Kinda, somewhat. Yeah, I guess I did. Someone asked if I was still blogging, told her No. Partly because she's FB friends with my Mother and we don't want any of that, and partly because all I do lately is whine, and she kicks my ass about the whining so there was no point in saying yes.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it Dammit.

The latest news in this odyssey is work wants me to come back! In shitty positions I can't do because I still have Frankenfoot, and a cane, can't walk, stand, or wear shoes for long so..... Back to the same old shit except now I have no income. It's about to get real up in here.

I went to The Assholes for dinner tonight since Annie was providing the fish, and it was in the freezer here so there was no point in her coming home to get it when it's closer for her to go there from work. We've swapped vehicles too since I can't clutch, Dammit. I wasn't happy about getting out, but dinner was awesome, and I'm tired of getting shit about my weight so I'm trying to eat more. I figure 10 lbs will shut everyone up.

Veronica is still hanging in there, eating like a Champ lately, so still not having that conversation. I was sitting outside earlier looking for meteors (not a one to be seen), and she was all head in lap saying Hi, or kill me now, I'm not sure. I don't think she's ready, but I know she's hurting, so I'm having a hard time with this one. I know Annie doesn't want to for various reasons, but we are gonna have to face it eventually. Let's just hope it's not today.

Ok, think I may have gotten everything out for now. Maybe. I'll go watch some stupid tv until daylight or so, and maybe sleep. I got used to sleeping a lot, but the last few days/nights, not so much. I have catching up to do.

Later kids.

Having A Day

Things are better, but still ugly. I made it to the grocery store today and took care of business, so I accomplished something, WOOHOO!
The other thing is Annie has left town for a few days and I'm scared to death Veronica is gonna die on me while she's gone. She's eating if I take the food to her, and apparently still going outside, but won't get up at all when I ask, and I can't pick her up, and I tried to have this conversation with Annie a couple of weeks ago and she pretended not to hear me, and yeah.
I'm really tired of being a Sad Sack, but Dammit. I've always been the strong one, physically at least, and I can't do shit. I can finally reach the floor to pick stuff up, but I have no strength or stamina, foot and leg are still shit, still better but not used to be me.
I want Used to be Me back. I miss her. She was an Asshole, but I liked her. She served me pretty well for most of my years.
These days I'm watching bad tv and having beer with a coffee chaser at 4am because my sleep schedule is completely gone. I may or may not sleep all day when I finally get there.
Fun times.

There's A Light...

...over at the Frankenstein place. That's because there ain't one here yet. Same old shit plus getting runaround from Dr. because his docs didn't back up the restrictions he gave me to go back to work, so I'm gonna miss out on that last paycheck because short term disability is about to run out. My dumb ass never thought I'd need more than 6 weeks off, much less 6 months, so I didn't sign up for long term. I forgot I'm an old lady now and shit might happen. Oh well. It is what it is.
I'm tired of whining and crying about the shit because there's nothing at all I can do about it, so fuck it. I'll make it one way or another.
Now I think I might try to sleep again, I went to bed earlier but everything hurt so I got back up, made breakfast and coffee, had both and went back to beer just because I could.
Have a good day kids, I'm sure I'll be a ray of sunshine again soon.

Fomer Workplace is Kinda Not Yet

Can't work with the restrictions, but not completely let go yet. Manager I talked to, talked to Store Manager I don't know and convinced him to approve a personal leave after my Disability leave runs out. I think I can get by with my share of the insurance while out on that, (so did she) so we'll see. Finally getting my shit together for SS disability because I may need it for reals.
We'll see how it goes.

Well, That Was Nice

Ortho was very nice when he told me my options were have more surgery, or he has to release me to go back to work, and let them decide if I'm still a viable member of society or not. I don't think he'll be getting an X-mess card this year.
I couldn't deal with going to the workplace today because I was bummed, and Frankenfoot was alive and well. I figure if I can walk into the place looking like I'm not completely incapacitated..........yeah, who am I kidding. No way in hell right now. I can't get out of the house without the cane because my balance is so bad, it looks like I'm drunk all the time.
Family Dr. called, I have no Vitamin D so I'll pick up a supplement while I'm at the soon to be former job tomorrow.
Other than that, Annie has been really awesome, and that's about the only good thing these days. If she wasn't so supportive I probably would have blown my head off long before this. I think she's staying in the living room with me to make sure I don't kill myself tonight lol.
Not funny, but it's crossed my mind to check out. But I can't. Besides my family, Cat would never forgive me, I'm his Human.

Anyway, that's that for today. There may be some crying tomorrow after I actually visit the soon to be former workplace. Have a good night kids.

I Really Hate Doctors

Been to the family Dr. after Ortho said Frankenfoot wasn't his problem. She says it's nerve damage (pending bloodwork to rule other things out) which does make it his problem, so here I am. At least I see him Tuesday, and should get bloodwork results then or before, and it doesn't really matter because either way, I'm still pretty much fucked. It's my problem in the end because dammit, I can't do shit.
Had a bad day, everything felt pretty good, thought I could clutch enough to drive my car. Didn't really want to go anywhere, just wanted to. Hit clutch a few times, decided it would be supremely unwise to get on the road, and came back inside where everything that felt pretty fine started to hurt.
I'm tired of being a crybaby, but I'm really tired of not being able to do anything either.

Guess That Settled That

After 6 hours out and about I had to come home and take a nap. Then I had to have another nap a few hours later. This morning my foot is about  3 times it's normal size. There's no way in hell I'll be able to go back to work. I'm having coffee with a beer chaser for breakfast before I have another nap, hopefully in my bed this time to see if that helps anything. Will have to arrange transportation to the other Dr. before I see the Ortho again to see what she thinks. Reading posts on the Internet is a dangerous and scary thing. Some say it is related to surgery, others, not so much, but either way, there's a problem. I'm really tired of this shit. I'm sure there will be more shits and giggles before it's over. Wheeeeee!

Whining Revisited

I'm a week from seeing Dr. again, I AM better, I'm just not good. And according to last visit, my swollen foot that's impeding progress is not his problem. It didn't do that before surgery, but he says I need to see my family Dr. because it could be a number of other things, mostly involving vital organs. Nice. If vital organs are fucked up it's probably from the plethora of pills I've been on for months now because I don't take drugs. LOL. Ok, I didn't. Now I do.
They aren't working as well as they used to either so I'm not taking so many because what's the point?  Oh yeah, one of them stops me from crying when the lightning bolt shoots out of my foot, sometimes.
Sooooo, back to Dr. visit. He's probably gonna tell me I can go back to work. Work disability runs out soon. Besides the fact that my job is no longer my job, I can't function in polite society for more than a couple of hours at a time without crying in pain. I've tried to party, it ain't working.
I had a good day and told Annie I was all good, work had to find something for me and if I could do it for 3 months I could take another leave to take care of foot, or whatever else is going on and she said "And then apply for permanent disability."
She, my mom, and my sister have been on that bandwagon since the beginning of this bullshit, and I'm starting to think they may have something. I don't like it, I never have, but hell, I'm pretty much useless still.
 True test will be Tuesday when I take another friend to a Dr. Appt. I'll probably be there all day. I hope they'll give me a shot on her tab while I'm there, because I''m pretty sure it's gonna be ugly.
Rambling, I know. Surgery was supposed to fix me. It didn't. The fact that he was talking about more surgery at my last visit pretty much used up my trust in him. But I've got to have a job, and insurance and all that good shit because I'm already in debt because of this with insurance.
Good thing is beer and smokes will go out the window before I'll let Cat starve.
Ok, I'm tired of my own whining so I'll stop. I need to cut my nails too because my typing sucks, and I've gotta figure out how to shave my legs without killing myself. Night kids.

Whining

I've been having a few months here. I try not to say much on FB because there are people with chronic pain living with their shit every day. Same with cancer, far as I know I don't have any and lots of people are dealing with that every day. I didn't crow about moving my pinky toe the other day because some people never will. I'm just tired of the I'm supposed to get better, and it's not happening much. I'm tired of hurting every day, and tired of not being able to do shit for myself, and all back to, I'm supposed to be getting better and be able to do shit again. It's not happening. I'm running out of time on my disability, so I'm either gonna be unemployed, or trying to get temporary disability because I can't even do a desk job right now, I'm pitiful. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm trying to take care of as much as I can financially while I still have some income since I may not have any next month. After that, Annie will take care of me and Cat as best she can, but she really shouldn't have to and I'm back to being so fucked.
Rant for the night. Probably be another coming soon.

One of My Old Girls is Dying

We have outside dogs. Mom and her pup. Pup is 10  now and Mom is suddenly not doing too well.
I'm  a bit more upset than Annie seems to think is warranted, but I'm all like that.
I'm also just a mess of upset these days so there we go,

Here We Go Again

So. 3 weeks after back surgery, here I am. I'm pitiful, I hurt, I'm depressed, and yesterday I realized I'm Lucy when she was re-habbing here. I got so mad because it was a constant cycle of stupid tv and playing games on her phone. I'm doing the same thing because now I see. There's really nothing else you can do. I sleep when I can, eat when I have to because the plethora of pills is killing me, but nope, nothing fun, nothing new, might as well just go with mindless as she called it. She was right.
At this point, I don't see me getting well enough to work again, which is unaccepatable to me, but there it is.
I'd pretty much quit smoking on the vapor, but I'm back to being a smokestack because I'm bored and cigarettes and caffeine seem to help more than alcohol. Kinda scary. Anyways, that's the latest, I usually just sit here with my phone or tablet instead of my computer. Tonight I went old school because I can't type for shit on either of those. Later kids.