still dream

Y'all. 

I lost my uncle a few weeks ago. I'm still not okay. This year has taken so much, there's so much uncertainty,  and now this. There's a space in the air where he should be, and my grief is still taking up so much room in my brain. 

Stress, of course, makes the hEDS, fibro, IBS, ADD, etc, worse. I'm in a flare that's disturbingly bad. 

In other news, my fingers have taken to subluxing when I open jars, so that's cool. 

Newt's vet visit was fine, but my concerns about adrenal disease were unfortunately spot on. The doctor gave him a suprelorin implant to manage the hormones. 

I couldn't go in with him, which broke my heart. I gave the vet a tube of ferretvite to use as a bribe to keep Newt calm and it worked so well he didn't require sedation for the implant procedure, which is done with a VERY FUCKING LARGE NEEDLE OMG.  The implant is large, and I can feel it through his skin. There's a bit of swelling but I'm told that will go down within a few days or so. 

Today is my birthday. We didn't have a lot of plans for the day other than playing  Cavaliers of Mars and going out for dinner. Both are cancelled, but we can still get carry out from our favorite Tex-Mex place across the street. 

Work is still open. 

If nothing else, this situation is helping me to pinpoint what is actually important to me, what I want to cultivate and what I want to cull. More on that later. Right now, I'm going to sit with coffee and watch some garbage TV. 

Every single post I make starts with "Wow I need to post more". I fully intend to continue this long held tradition. I should post more.  Maybe I'll put something in my planner to remind me to do a post weekly. 

Anyway, quick update. 

hEDS sucks, I'm tired all the time, and I've had so much blood drawn in the past few weeks I'm pretty sure that the volume of blood is going to take 6 weeks to come back. 

The kitten is growing up so quickly, and Newt already has his summer coat, and I've got a bunch of projects I'm juggling that I'm actually too ill to work on. At least they're all personal projects and not professional, but it would be really nice to get the adventures written for "Dangerous To Go Alone". Creative writing just takes so much damn energy that I can't seem to summon, but I'm trying. 

Well, it's only the 5th of January and it's already been a hella long year. I have concerns about the remaining 362 days. At least some of those days will have Doctor Who, and maybe more of the Mandalorian, and probably a lot of kissing, and there's a rather interesting looking interpretation of "Dracula" happening.  Maybe if we can avoid WW3 things will work out. 

I hope. 

This countdown seems to have sped up somehow. 

• Damn near everything is packed. I left out "essentials" and will pack them tomorrow/thursday (most of the things I left out turned out to be unnecessary) 
• I started taking things off the walls (shelves, etc) and patching holes
• I have a lot more stuff than I thought
• Anything I put in a drawer and then didn't take out is getting tossed
•  I'm going to have to clear newt's hoard Thursday. It's going to make him anxious. I also need to wash all of his soft toys
• Newt's custom cage liners (with knights and dragons!) were delivered and I'm psyched! 
• I am kind of freaking out, in a controlled way 
• I seem to run out of spoons consistently at 11 am and 3pm every day. 

The current nightmare apartment seems to have ramped up it's attempts to make me uncomfortable, like it knows I'm leaving. Also, I broke my favourite coffee mug. 

Today is my last day of work before three days off for this move, and then I'm back to work Saturday/Sunday and off most of next week. 

I really hope this all goes well. 

We got the apartment. We got the exact apartment we wanted. 

We. Got. The. Apartment. Move in date is April 5th. 

I can't hecking wait. 

Now I just have to deal with my flatmate's increasing amounts of insanity and this horror show of a flat. 45 days. 

It's such a manageable amount of time. That's one menstrual cycle. 6 Saturdays. One birthday (mine). One vacation (for my birthday). 

We just have to do all the things. 

Bookcases and kitchenware and a sofa and dressers. 

I'm relieved and stressed at the same time. 

I think things are going to be okay, but every time I think that, something mildly inconvenient happens. Like the landlord texting about a neighbor complaining about my roommates dog, or something. 

I think I might be hexed. 

Things are looking....to be trending positively. That is concerning. 

I hope we get this place. I hope my budget works. I hope that Newt and Rose and Liliana and I can all be happy. I hope work stays stable. 

I hope, I hope, I hope. 

 

The other night, after discovering our plan B wasn't acceptable, I kind of lost it. Full on hardcore panic attack. 

I went to work the next day and whenever I had downtime I'd start searching for plan b, plan c, plan d...etc. I found a place that looked promising. I told Rose about it after I got to her place in the evening. Turns out....She lived there the first time we dated 12 years ago. I loved that apartment--it had huge windows looking over the city, and I liked to curl up in a blanket and watch the rain from them. 

Yesterday morning we called to ask the important question: Are ferrets allowed? 
Answer, cheerfully: Yes! And there's no pet deposit! 

Long story short, we went for a tour in the afternoon. Rose gave me a tour of the neighbourhood, we had a coffee, and then we went to see the apartments. 

They're amazing. They aren't really anything special to look at for most people, but for someone like me it was basically magical. Light filled, big windows, new appliances. A soft, squishy carpet and h u g e closets. I grew up without closets, so closets are amazing. 

So hopefully we'll be locking down our apartment at the beginning of March (or sooner, if I can manage it financially). 

What this place has going for it that I hadn't even hoped for: 

• Centre city
• elevators! 
• disability accessible everything
• surveillance, concierge, secure access to floors on the elevator and secure access to the garage
• everything we'll need is walking distance.
• utilities. included. 

The only downsides are my commute goes from 5 minutes to 30 minutes and it's $500 more than we had wanted to pay. 

And then this morning I woke up to a voicemail from my current landlord about my flatmates dogs, and the flatmate and the downstairs neighbours ongoing noise feud. Why he doesn't call the person who _owns_ the dogs is beyond me. 

and that's the end of the update.