It is Halloween night and I am sitting here in our living room. It is 7:15 p.m. and so far we didn't have a single trick-or-treater come and visit us, yet. Yes, we have our light on and we have candy ready. But no kids. It has been a steady decline since the time we moved into this house two years ago.
The first year, we had a lot of kids come by and we had tons of candy. Last year we already noticed a slight decline. And this year? None, so far. Strange. What happened to Halloween? Where did all the children go? Do they know about our infertility struggles and have all decided not to bother us?
I just went outside a couple of minutes ago to see whether there are any children on the street, but no one out there... Weird. Most of our neighbors don't have kids. Our neighborhood has a lot of recently married couples and some older couples or singles. But we have a family with tons of kids around the corner. Where are they?
We never did Halloween growing up in my home country. But my parents told me today that this habit has been introduced recently over there as well and they had some kids come by.
My awaking temperature has skyrocketed to 98,4 this morning, more than I had the last couple of days. And I have to go to the bathroom all the time. I hate it how I get my hopes up because they will be crushed down when AF arrives.
It is 7:30 p.m. now and we just had our first four trick-or-treaters. I believe they were part of the huge family around the corner. We asked them what costumes they were and answered us, but one teenager girl said "Beautiful". Nice attitude, I have to say!!! Or did she mean that she is normally ugly and is only beautiful today??? We'll see what the evening brings.
Happy Halloween, everyone!!!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Why not try IUI???
Last night we had our weekly bible study group. We meet once a week and discuss how we can integrate the bible in our daily life.
When one of our small group leaders asked for prayer request my dh actually shared with our group that we just started the adoption process. I felt a little weird first, because we don't really know a lot of the people in that group very well. And discussing infertility with them made me feel a little unfortable. But I guess the more people know the better the chance of finding a birthmother through our extended network of families and friends. The others were very supportive and we found out that the mother of one of the girls was adopted and that our leader has actually an adopted sister. It is strange, that whenever you share adoption with others that people can really relate to it and I was really surprised how many people are adopted or have an adopted family member. If you think about the scrutinity of the whole process I am surprised that so many people are adopting. Most of them must have done a home study and have been going through the same emotions and struggles as us.
On Friday I have an appointment with my RE. We have fulfilled our deductible for this year and our health insurance covers three IUIs per lifetime. So why not just use at least two of them this year??? I don't think we will stay with this health insurance forever, so we can it as long as they cover it anyway.
I don't really expect a positive outcome from the IUIs, but why not give it a try? I know that the chances of success are only 15% if everything is perfect. An normal IVF cycle has a 40% success chance, so obviously it is much higher. But IUI is much cheaper. And we only would have to pay 10% of the eligible expenses... Maybe we can still squeaze in two cycles this year...
When one of our small group leaders asked for prayer request my dh actually shared with our group that we just started the adoption process. I felt a little weird first, because we don't really know a lot of the people in that group very well. And discussing infertility with them made me feel a little unfortable. But I guess the more people know the better the chance of finding a birthmother through our extended network of families and friends. The others were very supportive and we found out that the mother of one of the girls was adopted and that our leader has actually an adopted sister. It is strange, that whenever you share adoption with others that people can really relate to it and I was really surprised how many people are adopted or have an adopted family member. If you think about the scrutinity of the whole process I am surprised that so many people are adopting. Most of them must have done a home study and have been going through the same emotions and struggles as us.
On Friday I have an appointment with my RE. We have fulfilled our deductible for this year and our health insurance covers three IUIs per lifetime. So why not just use at least two of them this year??? I don't think we will stay with this health insurance forever, so we can it as long as they cover it anyway.
I don't really expect a positive outcome from the IUIs, but why not give it a try? I know that the chances of success are only 15% if everything is perfect. An normal IVF cycle has a 40% success chance, so obviously it is much higher. But IUI is much cheaper. And we only would have to pay 10% of the eligible expenses... Maybe we can still squeaze in two cycles this year...
Monday, October 29, 2007
A Lifetime of Family Conservations
Let's Talk Adoption: A Lifetime of Family Conversations
Completion Certificate
This is to certify that:
Yoka and dh
have successfully completed
"Let's Talk Adoption: A Lifetime of Family Conversations”
This course included the following:
• Introduction to the course and description of the objectives.
• Lesson 1 – Why Talk Adoption – examined self-esteem, family bonds, sharing information and your child’s right to know.
• Lesson 2 – Barriers to Communication – examined beliefs and feelings about adoption.
• Lesson 3 – Developmental Stages – explored each stage of a child’s life and provided strategies for addressing their questions and concerns about adoption.
• Lesson 4 – Communication Strategies – provided strategies for communicating and practice with parent-child dialogues.
• Lesson 5 – Communication Tools – provided suggestions for making adoption a regular topic of conversation.
This course fulfills 2 hours of training.
The Executive Director
Here is the certificate of the course we did last week-end. It was interesting to learn more about the different developmental stages and how you need to talk to your child about adoption at every of theses stages. The reassuring thing is that even if you make mistakes, you are not gonna screw up this child's life.
It seems like we got a little bit closer to qualifying for the start of our home study... Now we just need to email our application in and then we have to take two more classes before they will start our home study.
I met with a friend for lunch today. I told her about my struggles with my faith. I have been struggling recently about having faith in god, even if he doesn't bless us with a child. She and I took on a challenge. We will try to find 10 tings every day that we are grateful for. So here comes my list for today:
1. I am grateful for the fact that I live.
2. I am grateful for my dear husband (he is probably gonna make this list a lot)
3. I am grateful for my family.
4. I am grateful for the sun.
5. I am grateful for being able to live in the US.
6. I am grateful for not having any endometriosis pain for a couple of months.
7. I am grateful for my job and the opportunities it provides.
8. I am grateful for the concept of adoption.
9. I am grateful for my friends.
10. I am grateful for good food.
Obviously there are more things I am grateful for. But I'll have to think about them in the next days.
On a different note. On Saturday we went out for dinner with friends. When we were in the restaurant, our friends told the waitress that we were just starting the adoption process. She was very nice and supportive and actually disclosed to us that she had given up a baby for adoption seven years ago to a couple of her parents friends. It seems like they didn't need a home study and only had to finalize the adoption via an attorney. That would be a dream to be able to have someone in our lives offer a baby to us. I am also starting to tell people that we are adopting. If this is the way our family will be build, then why lie about it?
Completion Certificate
This is to certify that:
Yoka and dh
have successfully completed
"Let's Talk Adoption: A Lifetime of Family Conversations”
This course included the following:
• Introduction to the course and description of the objectives.
• Lesson 1 – Why Talk Adoption – examined self-esteem, family bonds, sharing information and your child’s right to know.
• Lesson 2 – Barriers to Communication – examined beliefs and feelings about adoption.
• Lesson 3 – Developmental Stages – explored each stage of a child’s life and provided strategies for addressing their questions and concerns about adoption.
• Lesson 4 – Communication Strategies – provided strategies for communicating and practice with parent-child dialogues.
• Lesson 5 – Communication Tools – provided suggestions for making adoption a regular topic of conversation.
This course fulfills 2 hours of training.
The Executive Director
Here is the certificate of the course we did last week-end. It was interesting to learn more about the different developmental stages and how you need to talk to your child about adoption at every of theses stages. The reassuring thing is that even if you make mistakes, you are not gonna screw up this child's life.
It seems like we got a little bit closer to qualifying for the start of our home study... Now we just need to email our application in and then we have to take two more classes before they will start our home study.
I met with a friend for lunch today. I told her about my struggles with my faith. I have been struggling recently about having faith in god, even if he doesn't bless us with a child. She and I took on a challenge. We will try to find 10 tings every day that we are grateful for. So here comes my list for today:
1. I am grateful for the fact that I live.
2. I am grateful for my dear husband (he is probably gonna make this list a lot)
3. I am grateful for my family.
4. I am grateful for the sun.
5. I am grateful for being able to live in the US.
6. I am grateful for not having any endometriosis pain for a couple of months.
7. I am grateful for my job and the opportunities it provides.
8. I am grateful for the concept of adoption.
9. I am grateful for my friends.
10. I am grateful for good food.
Obviously there are more things I am grateful for. But I'll have to think about them in the next days.
On a different note. On Saturday we went out for dinner with friends. When we were in the restaurant, our friends told the waitress that we were just starting the adoption process. She was very nice and supportive and actually disclosed to us that she had given up a baby for adoption seven years ago to a couple of her parents friends. It seems like they didn't need a home study and only had to finalize the adoption via an attorney. That would be a dream to be able to have someone in our lives offer a baby to us. I am also starting to tell people that we are adopting. If this is the way our family will be build, then why lie about it?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Telling my boss
This week I have done something I never seriously considered doing. I told my boss that we were trying to adopt. It was just the right timing I felt. He asked how long I would stay with them before we move (next summer) and I told him that I was hoping to stay until June, July or August. I don't know yet, as it depends on my husbands job.
And then I told him that we were about to start adoption and - if by grace we were chosen as parents by a birthmom - it would be possible that I would have to leave earlier, but I was also hoping to work from home in that case. He sounded surprised and asked whether we couldn't have children naturally and I said it was highly unlikely because of the endometriosis (he knows that I have it, because I needed surgery last year and I told him why). But I also told him that it is a long, long process and we don't know when it might happen. And then we just generally talked about children and the right timing. He doesn't have any children and he regrets it. But the timing seemed never right. It was great to talk to him about it and I think it has brought us closer. I really like my boss. At least he will understand if I have to quit (or need holidays) on a short notice if we are matched...
Did you share infertility at work? How did your bosses and colleagues react? I got my first few comments and am very excited about them. It is so nice to get support from other women going through the same struggles and pain.
This week-end we will hopefully take an online class on adoption. Our agency requires that class and two additional classes in their office prior to starting the home study. I hope it will prepare us even better for parenthood. I am willing to do everything I can to be a great parent one day.
We also had an invite for a play-date with the children of some friends. We have done that recently in our house for some friends and their babies and it was a lot of fun. But I don't think like I belong there (yet) so I canceled. One of our friends is pregnant with her fourth (1 child IUI, twins with IVF and now a natural conception) child and I don't really want to see her as it reminds me constantly of my empty womb. The last time the moms were starting to talk about their pregnancies and I just felt left out. I tried to stay positive and not start to cry, but it wasn't easy. A lot of our friends are now planning for their second baby and we still have nothing, except an empty bank account and lots of money spend on infertility treatment with no viable pregnancy.
Have a great week-end everyone!
And then I told him that we were about to start adoption and - if by grace we were chosen as parents by a birthmom - it would be possible that I would have to leave earlier, but I was also hoping to work from home in that case. He sounded surprised and asked whether we couldn't have children naturally and I said it was highly unlikely because of the endometriosis (he knows that I have it, because I needed surgery last year and I told him why). But I also told him that it is a long, long process and we don't know when it might happen. And then we just generally talked about children and the right timing. He doesn't have any children and he regrets it. But the timing seemed never right. It was great to talk to him about it and I think it has brought us closer. I really like my boss. At least he will understand if I have to quit (or need holidays) on a short notice if we are matched...
Did you share infertility at work? How did your bosses and colleagues react? I got my first few comments and am very excited about them. It is so nice to get support from other women going through the same struggles and pain.
This week-end we will hopefully take an online class on adoption. Our agency requires that class and two additional classes in their office prior to starting the home study. I hope it will prepare us even better for parenthood. I am willing to do everything I can to be a great parent one day.
We also had an invite for a play-date with the children of some friends. We have done that recently in our house for some friends and their babies and it was a lot of fun. But I don't think like I belong there (yet) so I canceled. One of our friends is pregnant with her fourth (1 child IUI, twins with IVF and now a natural conception) child and I don't really want to see her as it reminds me constantly of my empty womb. The last time the moms were starting to talk about their pregnancies and I just felt left out. I tried to stay positive and not start to cry, but it wasn't easy. A lot of our friends are now planning for their second baby and we still have nothing, except an empty bank account and lots of money spend on infertility treatment with no viable pregnancy.
Have a great week-end everyone!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
A tiny bit of life
April 12, 2007 was the day that changed my life forever. I was supposed to go to an appointment at our RE's office for an ultrasound and blood work. Our first IVF attempt had failed in March and we were getting ready for our next attempt. I wanted one month break in between and my doctor recommended I should start the pill because of the endometriosis. So I took the pill every single day. I didn't want to take it because I was trying to have a baby and I was doing something to stop me from preventing to have one. But I was also scared of the endometriosis and the cysts coming back - with all the pain I had endured over the course of 2006. So I took the pill. I also had my period while we were visiting my mother-in-law in Upstate New York.
I was supposed to start fertility medications soon and went in for the ultrasound. It revealed that I had another cyst. I was devastated.
Here is an email, I shared that morning with my women's small group:
Dear friends,
I just went to see the doctor for a sonogramm and blood work. It turns out I have another cyst on my right ovary. I don't know yet, whether this is another endometriosis cyst or just a regular normal cycle cyst. I don't want to go through all of this again... I don't want to have another surygery... I already had two surgeries last year to remove two cysts. What is the point of removing them, if they come back anyway...
They took blood work to figure out, what kind of cyst it is. Please pray that it is no endo cyst. I will hear learn more this afternoon.
It is one of the things, I worry about, but can't control. God is in control. Why does the Lord put this strong desire for children in my heart, if he makes it so difficult to fullfill it? Why does he send all these pregnant women my way? The pain is already strong enough without them... I am so sad. When will this ever go away?
Yoka
And three days later I sent this email:
Dear friends,
I wanted to follow-up on my "cyst". On Thursday afternoon I received
this call from my doctor's office. The nurse told me that my blood
tested positive for pregnancy. I was completely confused. I told her
that that could not be possible, because I had been on the pill the
whole last month and that I had just had my period. She just said that
these things happen, but that they wanted to do one more test, because
my levels had been kind of low and she would call me on Friday.
Well, I was confused. I didn't really know what to think. My first
thought was that they must have mixed my blood sample. Then I thought:
Wow! God really has a sense for humor. After everything we have been
trough with years of trying to conceive naturally, the Endomeriosis,
the two surgeries, the testing, the IVF and the failure of the IVF, he
gets me pregnant, while I am trying to give my body some rest and
while I am on the pill? The doctor had told us before that we only
have about a 5% chance of conceiving naturally, but it would be very
difficult. And the pill is supposed to be 99% safe. So, how big were
the chances?
I bought two pregnancy tests on Thursday. My dearest husband picked me up at the
metro and I was nearly bursting to tell him, but I wanted to do a
pregnancy test first. So once we arrived home, I did the first test. I
couldn't nearly believe when the second line that indicates pregnancy
turned blue. It was POSITIVE!!! I was overjoyed. That was the first
positive pregnancy test of my life, and I have taken quite a few over
the years. So I was cautiously optimistic.
I told my dearest Husband and he couldn't nearly believe it. What a powerful sign of
God! On Friday morning I did another pregnancy test, just to be on the
save side. It was still positive!!! I still had some light bleeding,
but because I just had had my period, and since I was pregnant, I
thought that would probably go away. The nurse then called on Friday
morning and said that our doctor wanted me to come in for another
blood test on Saturday morning.
I went in yesterday for the blood test. When the nurse called
yesterday afternoon to tell us the results, it turns out that the
levels had stayed more or less the same and not doubled like they are
supposed to. So our doctor is pretty sure, that I will have a
miscarriage, but wants me to come in for another blood test on
Tuesday.
Dear friends, I don't really know what to ask you to pray for. I just
wish that God's will be done. Even if he doesn't want us to have this
child, he has shown us that I can get pregnant - naturally.
I am in deep pain and I am struggling with what this powerful message
means. This morning after church, the pastor prayed with us and we
hope for clarity as we move in our way forward.
I never felt the Lord speak to me so clearly before. But I don't
understand yet, what he is telling me to do. Amidst all the pain, I
even feel grateful to have at least once experienced the blessing of
being pregnant, even it was just for a couple of weeks.
Thank you for your prayers. You are such a blessing in my life. I feel
like I am also putting a lot of our personal struggle upon you and
asking for a lot of you to go through this with me. I know it is not
easy to handle and please tell me, if this is more than you want to
deal with.
Yoka
I was sad, but also relieved. At least I could get pregnant. How many women never get to experience this at all. And how many women miscarry to go on with a healthy pregnancy and baby. This really gave me also a lot of hope in all the despair... I was so happy to be able to take a positive pregnancy test for the first time in my life.
The bleeding continued over the next two weeks and with a steady flow the tiny bit of life that had once been inside me, left my body. And we had to let it go before we even got to meet it. The HCG-levels went down with our hopes.
I was supposed to start fertility medications soon and went in for the ultrasound. It revealed that I had another cyst. I was devastated.
Here is an email, I shared that morning with my women's small group:
Dear friends,
I just went to see the doctor for a sonogramm and blood work. It turns out I have another cyst on my right ovary. I don't know yet, whether this is another endometriosis cyst or just a regular normal cycle cyst. I don't want to go through all of this again... I don't want to have another surygery... I already had two surgeries last year to remove two cysts. What is the point of removing them, if they come back anyway...
They took blood work to figure out, what kind of cyst it is. Please pray that it is no endo cyst. I will hear learn more this afternoon.
It is one of the things, I worry about, but can't control. God is in control. Why does the Lord put this strong desire for children in my heart, if he makes it so difficult to fullfill it? Why does he send all these pregnant women my way? The pain is already strong enough without them... I am so sad. When will this ever go away?
Yoka
And three days later I sent this email:
Dear friends,
I wanted to follow-up on my "cyst". On Thursday afternoon I received
this call from my doctor's office. The nurse told me that my blood
tested positive for pregnancy. I was completely confused. I told her
that that could not be possible, because I had been on the pill the
whole last month and that I had just had my period. She just said that
these things happen, but that they wanted to do one more test, because
my levels had been kind of low and she would call me on Friday.
Well, I was confused. I didn't really know what to think. My first
thought was that they must have mixed my blood sample. Then I thought:
Wow! God really has a sense for humor. After everything we have been
trough with years of trying to conceive naturally, the Endomeriosis,
the two surgeries, the testing, the IVF and the failure of the IVF, he
gets me pregnant, while I am trying to give my body some rest and
while I am on the pill? The doctor had told us before that we only
have about a 5% chance of conceiving naturally, but it would be very
difficult. And the pill is supposed to be 99% safe. So, how big were
the chances?
I bought two pregnancy tests on Thursday. My dearest husband picked me up at the
metro and I was nearly bursting to tell him, but I wanted to do a
pregnancy test first. So once we arrived home, I did the first test. I
couldn't nearly believe when the second line that indicates pregnancy
turned blue. It was POSITIVE!!! I was overjoyed. That was the first
positive pregnancy test of my life, and I have taken quite a few over
the years. So I was cautiously optimistic.
I told my dearest Husband and he couldn't nearly believe it. What a powerful sign of
God! On Friday morning I did another pregnancy test, just to be on the
save side. It was still positive!!! I still had some light bleeding,
but because I just had had my period, and since I was pregnant, I
thought that would probably go away. The nurse then called on Friday
morning and said that our doctor wanted me to come in for another
blood test on Saturday morning.
I went in yesterday for the blood test. When the nurse called
yesterday afternoon to tell us the results, it turns out that the
levels had stayed more or less the same and not doubled like they are
supposed to. So our doctor is pretty sure, that I will have a
miscarriage, but wants me to come in for another blood test on
Tuesday.
Dear friends, I don't really know what to ask you to pray for. I just
wish that God's will be done. Even if he doesn't want us to have this
child, he has shown us that I can get pregnant - naturally.
I am in deep pain and I am struggling with what this powerful message
means. This morning after church, the pastor prayed with us and we
hope for clarity as we move in our way forward.
I never felt the Lord speak to me so clearly before. But I don't
understand yet, what he is telling me to do. Amidst all the pain, I
even feel grateful to have at least once experienced the blessing of
being pregnant, even it was just for a couple of weeks.
Thank you for your prayers. You are such a blessing in my life. I feel
like I am also putting a lot of our personal struggle upon you and
asking for a lot of you to go through this with me. I know it is not
easy to handle and please tell me, if this is more than you want to
deal with.
Yoka
I was sad, but also relieved. At least I could get pregnant. How many women never get to experience this at all. And how many women miscarry to go on with a healthy pregnancy and baby. This really gave me also a lot of hope in all the despair... I was so happy to be able to take a positive pregnancy test for the first time in my life.
The bleeding continued over the next two weeks and with a steady flow the tiny bit of life that had once been inside me, left my body. And we had to let it go before we even got to meet it. The HCG-levels went down with our hopes.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Marching forward...
My blog is called Road to adopt, because I know it is a long road. It is not some short kind of one-way-street, but rather a highway with a lot of traffic and a lot of cars coming and going in both directions. These cars are carrying all the information that is going back and forth. And hopefully one day the road will come to an end and we will reach our goal. But it can take a long time...
We celebrated our wedding anniversary last night by filling out our adoption application. My husband actually suggested it and you can imagine how fast I was running to get it. Normally I am the one that is trying to push him to do things... And he can get really annoyed by it. We disclosed all our information, our health history, our finances, everything... We picked friends to serve as a reference and have to ask a few of them before we can send out our paperwork. We will take an online pre-adoption class this week-end and then two more classes in the next two months. Hopefully by then our home study process can begin. I can't wait for it to happen...
We celebrated our wedding anniversary last night by filling out our adoption application. My husband actually suggested it and you can imagine how fast I was running to get it. Normally I am the one that is trying to push him to do things... And he can get really annoyed by it. We disclosed all our information, our health history, our finances, everything... We picked friends to serve as a reference and have to ask a few of them before we can send out our paperwork. We will take an online pre-adoption class this week-end and then two more classes in the next two months. Hopefully by then our home study process can begin. I can't wait for it to happen...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Another year down the road
Today is our third Wedding Anniversary. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such a great husband. He is amazing and I love him more every single day.
When I was younger I used to date guys that were not so much into me. It gave me a lot of heartache. But more than four years ago when I met my husband, it was different. He really liked me from the start. I wasn't sure at the beginning, because he was so different from all the crazy guys I have dated. But then I completely fell in love with him and I still don't know how it happened. It was like a light in my brain that was switched on.
He is the most amazing person ever. He is my best friend and he has a great sense of humor, which is so important in every relationship. Even when I am mad at him, it takes him 3 seconds to make me laugh. He has the most beautiful big brown eyes you have ever seen. He is very faithful and started a relationship with God at only 5 years old. I am learning from him every single day. He makes me a better person. The last three years haven't been easy with us moving overseas from Europe to the US, buying a house, starting new jobs, my Dad and his Mom being really sick (my Dad had a stroke two years ago and his Mom was dealing with breast cancer last year) and - the most painful of all - dealing with endometriosis and two surgeries as well as the pain of infertility. These three years haven't been easy and I guess a lot of couples would have separated by now with everything we have been through. But I believe that it has actually made us stronger. We have been through so much, we can do nearly everything...
Happy anniversary, honey!!!
.
When I was younger I used to date guys that were not so much into me. It gave me a lot of heartache. But more than four years ago when I met my husband, it was different. He really liked me from the start. I wasn't sure at the beginning, because he was so different from all the crazy guys I have dated. But then I completely fell in love with him and I still don't know how it happened. It was like a light in my brain that was switched on.
He is the most amazing person ever. He is my best friend and he has a great sense of humor, which is so important in every relationship. Even when I am mad at him, it takes him 3 seconds to make me laugh. He has the most beautiful big brown eyes you have ever seen. He is very faithful and started a relationship with God at only 5 years old. I am learning from him every single day. He makes me a better person. The last three years haven't been easy with us moving overseas from Europe to the US, buying a house, starting new jobs, my Dad and his Mom being really sick (my Dad had a stroke two years ago and his Mom was dealing with breast cancer last year) and - the most painful of all - dealing with endometriosis and two surgeries as well as the pain of infertility. These three years haven't been easy and I guess a lot of couples would have separated by now with everything we have been through. But I believe that it has actually made us stronger. We have been through so much, we can do nearly everything...
Happy anniversary, honey!!!
.
Monday, October 22, 2007
A quiet week-end
Last week-end was pretty quiet. We spent nearly all week-end at home. Just on Friday night and Saturday night we went out for an event and my hubbies birthday dinner with friends. At the dinner one of our friends shared the news that she just found out that she is having another baby. They already have three year old at home. I did surprisingly well when I heart the news. I didn't start crying at the table.
Today I called the adoption agency. We have decided to start the Home Study Process. So we will need to fill out lots of paperwork and start with the application. It is very exciting.
My poor colleague lost her baby. The beta was too low. I wish we could all escape from infertile island.
Today I called the adoption agency. We have decided to start the Home Study Process. So we will need to fill out lots of paperwork and start with the application. It is very exciting.
My poor colleague lost her baby. The beta was too low. I wish we could all escape from infertile island.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
This day could have been a little better...
Today was a strange day. My colleague told me she is pregnant. She and her husband did their first IVF. She is 40. Her beta is really low at 20. I am happy for her that it worked the first time and hope her beta goes up. After the two week wait, she is now in another wait to see whether her beta doubles as wanted. Poor her... I know how that feels.
I have been trough this just in July. My beta was only at 9, but doppled every two days until it came up to 72. And then... I started bleeding a little. When I called the doctor, he told me that some bleeding was absolutely normal. But deep inside I knew, I was loosing my baby. And the bloodwork the next day showed that I was right. The HCG went down to 54.
When I just took the bus home from work, the damn bus literally stopped at every single stop on the road, except one. It took forever. I went to get our mail from the letter box and saw a letter from MA. I was surprised because I don't really have a penpal from there. When I just opened it, I freaked out: it was an invite for a baby shower for my husband cousin's wife. I don't want to be ungrateful. It is nice of them to think of me and invite me. They don't know about our struggles with infertility. But I don't think I'd like to go and put myself through the pain of spending an afternoon with pregnant women and baby talk. I don't think I can do this. Infertility takes all this joy away from you.
I wish I could just be a normal women for 9 months and enjoy the blessing of having a baby grow inside me. A real baby moving inside me. To be able to go out and buy maternity clothes. To see my belly grow and be actually happy about it. Instead I feel broken. I know at the end of the day infertility makes me stronger. But the pain is never gonna go away.
I have been trough this just in July. My beta was only at 9, but doppled every two days until it came up to 72. And then... I started bleeding a little. When I called the doctor, he told me that some bleeding was absolutely normal. But deep inside I knew, I was loosing my baby. And the bloodwork the next day showed that I was right. The HCG went down to 54.
When I just took the bus home from work, the damn bus literally stopped at every single stop on the road, except one. It took forever. I went to get our mail from the letter box and saw a letter from MA. I was surprised because I don't really have a penpal from there. When I just opened it, I freaked out: it was an invite for a baby shower for my husband cousin's wife. I don't want to be ungrateful. It is nice of them to think of me and invite me. They don't know about our struggles with infertility. But I don't think I'd like to go and put myself through the pain of spending an afternoon with pregnant women and baby talk. I don't think I can do this. Infertility takes all this joy away from you.
I wish I could just be a normal women for 9 months and enjoy the blessing of having a baby grow inside me. A real baby moving inside me. To be able to go out and buy maternity clothes. To see my belly grow and be actually happy about it. Instead I feel broken. I know at the end of the day infertility makes me stronger. But the pain is never gonna go away.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Our first Webinar on adoption
Tonight we actually took our first Webinar. It is like an online seminar where you see a live presentation and you call a number to participate. It is fascinating what you can do with technology these days. The seminar was on domestic adoption in the US. Stephanie from the adoption agency walked us through the whole process. it was quite interesting to listen to all the questions the participants had. We found out that they have only 9 waiting families in their program on African American adoption. Why not more? It was kind of surprising. Most agencys have a lot waiting families. I am Caucasian and my husband is biracial Caucasian/Asian (and he looks hot!!!). We are open to any kind of race for an adopted child. We have so much love to give. It doesn't matter which race the child we are giving this love to has.
When I was a child I was always wondering how my children would look like. I am still wondering, but starting to realize that I might never find out. It is an aching pain deep inside that is difficult to describe if you haven't faced inferility yourself. But my desire to parent is stronger than my desire to have biological children, so what the heck???
After the seminar we discussed how we will proceed. I have to do some more research about the application process because that agency is not really in our area. And then we will go ahead and start our home study process. I can't wait for it to be finished. I can't wait for the day when our baby is actually gonna come home. I wonder when that will be....
When I was a child I was always wondering how my children would look like. I am still wondering, but starting to realize that I might never find out. It is an aching pain deep inside that is difficult to describe if you haven't faced inferility yourself. But my desire to parent is stronger than my desire to have biological children, so what the heck???
After the seminar we discussed how we will proceed. I have to do some more research about the application process because that agency is not really in our area. And then we will go ahead and start our home study process. I can't wait for it to be finished. I can't wait for the day when our baby is actually gonna come home. I wonder when that will be....
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Our struggle with infertility
After years of struggling with infertility, many failed infertility treatments, and two miscarriages this year we have decided to follow the road to adoption. While we are aware that this is not going to be easy, we know deep in our heart that our desire to be parents is stronger than our wish to have biological children.
Thank you for reading this blog. If you are pregnant and considering to give your child into adoption, please contact us. It would be a dream come true.
Thank you for reading this blog. If you are pregnant and considering to give your child into adoption, please contact us. It would be a dream come true.
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