An unexpected blessing

Today during lunch my hubby and I talked to a woman that we know from a sports activity. She already has three boys. Afterwards she shared with me that she just had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. They don't really plan on having more kids, so she is ready to get rid of all her baby gear. And she has offered it to us. For free! Wow! We can come to her house and pick what we like.

I was wondering how we were going to pay for all of the equipment and here we get an offer like that. She is truly a blessing and I am sure we will take her up on that offer.

I will be really brave now and do something that I didn't dare to do before. I hope I won't jinx it.

Graduation day

I just moved two fellow bloggers up on the "Left infertile Island" column on my blog. Both of them are pregnant and have graduated from infertile Island.

The island is getting bigger for the few of us who are still there. But we probably have new arrivals soon. Other woman that are going through the same pain as we are. It doesn't matter how we end up at the island. There is a solidarity between us. We are like sisters. Feeling with each other, understanding the pain.

We spent the weekend in Philadelphia. I meet my wonderful friend M. She and her husband are going through the same like my husband and I when we first started all the tests. When we were first wondering why we didn't conceive like all of our friends around us.

I pray and hope that M and her hubby don't have to go through all the pain that we already went through.

I look forward to the day when the island will be empty because all of us have overcome infertility. Some of us might eventually conceive naturally, others might have to use Clomid, IUI, or the heavy weapons like IVF. For others like me, adoption is the only chance to leave the island. It doesn't matter how we leave the island or how we overcome infertility. It is important that we leave and that we overcome infertility. And we will!!!

Thank you for all your support, sisters! And congratulations to those who graduated.

Better today...

I am feeling better today. It always hits me really hard when I hear of another pregnancy.

It took me 1,5 hours to drive home yesterday. While I was driving home and sitting in the car, I saw all these pregnant women and women with children. They looked so beautiful and so happy.

I guess I have a selective view and only notice those two... The longer I sat in the traffic the worse it got and I ended up sobbing and crying my way home.

When I just got home my hubby called. I told him everything and cried on the phone with him for a while. He then came home and just hugged me. That is all I needed. And he understood. He is the best husband in the whole wide world. And he hasn't given up hope on God yet.

On infertility

400 (!) That is first the beta number my colleague had with her third IVF try. The second was more than 2000. I just found out. I bet that there is more in there than just one. I am glad for her and sad for me. It was her last try, she wouldn't have been able to afford more. But working with a pregnant woman is going to suck. It will remind me every day of my own infertility. I am reminded about that anyway every day. And it will hurt every day.

Sometimes I think that infertility dominates my life. I think about it all day. Every day. It has taken away so much from me. So many joyous moments of my life that I never get to experience because of it. Being able to conceive on our own. To get pregnant while not even really trying to have a baby. Showing my husband a positive pregnancy test and feeling safe and secure that there will end up a real life baby from it. Seeing the first ultrasound. Praying to the porcelain Gods. Feeling it grow inside me. Buying maternity clothes and being able to wear them. Giving birth. Having a biological child. Breastfeeding naturally. Finding myself and my husband in our baby. There is so much that I'll never get to experience.

Instead infertility has given me jealousy, grief, unhappiness, physical and emotional pain, and a huge pessimist perspective on life. Who have I become? What if God used infertility to draw me closer to him? I thought about that today when I was driving to work. What if I thought about God when all the painful thoughts come to my head? What if I focus on him? Will that work? Will he help me to overcome this?

More twins...

AF decided to come for a visit this weekend. Right on time on Friday... All hopes have gone - once again. I wish I would stop hoping. It is just so painful to have your hopes crushed every month.

On Friday we had planned to go out for dinner with two neighbor couples. I had met one of the girls in the morning and she had said that they would be coming. Around 6:30 p.m. she rang our door bell to tell me that they had to bail on us. They had planned to tell us their great news that night. She is twelve weeks pregnant. With twins (!). Naturally conceived. She said they run in their family (but had skipped four generations!).

I feel so bad that I can't be happy for her. This is one of the mean things that infertility does to you. Instead of being happy for your friends when they are pregnant you are jealous and question why it is them and not you. If it was just one, it would probably have been easier. But two (!). Why can't we both be pregnant with one baby? She is the third of our friends that is having twins. And we can't even have one biological child. I wonder whether that pain will ever go away? Will it be better with time? Will it be better once we have an adopted child?

Last Saturday we did the CPR class that was one part of the requirements from our adoption agency. Another thing to cross from our list... We took CPR for adults/children and infants and first aid as well.

Today I sent back the form where it breaks down the cost for this adoption. We now have to find the money somewhere. Unfortunately we didn't qualify for the adoption credit we had applied for. I didn't think it would be that difficult...

While other people conceive their babies in bed, we have to pay thousands of dollars for outsourcing reproduction. First for all the unsuccessful fertility treatments and then for the adoption... I wish I could win the lottery. Having more money would help - a lot.

It's kind of weird

We decided to be presented to the birth mother I had mentioned in my previous post despite the timing concerns we had. And guess, what?

Yesterday I received the call that the birth mother liked our profile so much, she didn't want to look at any other. She picked us to be the parents of her baby which is due in August.

But please DON'T CONGRATULATE YET. And don't put it on Lost and Found. I am so terrified that she might change her mind again after birth that I don't even dare to be happy and look forward to the birth of the baby. Maybe it will be better after we have a telephone conference with her. But right now, I don't really know what to think... I would love to be happy, but I can't. What if she changes her mind after birth? I can't believe that I now have to wait nearly 4 months before I eventually will find out whether this is our baby.

On a completely different note: this is the most screwed up cycle I ever had. Last month I only had a light bleeding. This month my (.)(.) got really big two weeks ago (or at least bigger than usual) and so I decided to use some progesterone. Just in case. My temperature stayed up for the whole time. Thanks, progesterone. I told my hubby the other day that as long as AF had not arrived yet, I always have some hope left. I don't even know why because it is pretty obvious that none of the previous embryos really sticked to my body for whatever reasons.

Then on day 32 (I usually have 28 day cycles), I wanted to know what was going on and actually POAS. The first time since my first positive pregnancy test in April of last year. It was negative. So I decided to not use the progesterone any more and wait for AF to arrive. Yesterday my temperature went down to 97,4 and I thought AF is on her way. Today it went back up to 98. I am now on cycle day 34. What I am supposed to make of this? Any ideas, experiences to share?

Weekend and other news

Thank you so much for all your comments and support. It is so good to have such a great online support network. I was disappointed. But maybe it was better. It just was not the right baby and not the right time. Our time will come. I wish I would know when.

Our weekend was quite nice. We went to a beautiful B&B in Upstate New York to celebrate MIL's 60th birthday. My SIL and BIL came with our nephew on Thursday and spend the night with us. On Friday we all went to the B&B. We were really tired as we arrived around 2 a.m. in the morning. But after a good night sleep we had a really nice weekend. Yesterday we drove back (another 6 hours in the car).

The agency sent us another profile last week. The birth mother is due in August. I don't feel to comfortable with that situation for various reasons. One of them is that we have to move in September. If she picks us now, we won't be presented to any other BM any more. Should she then decide to parent in August, we only have a few weeks left in country. So maybe not such a good idea. But they have other situations coming up, so we'll see.

Birthmom decided to parent

I called the agency this morning to find out what happened. Because our telephone didn't ring at all yesterday. It was so frustrating and I finally went to bed at 11:00 p.m.

They just told me that the mother decided to parent.

Maybe I was too optimistic

Thank you for all your comments. It is fantastic to have such a great support network.

We are still waiting for the phone call. Everything is on hold right now.

I thought last night that she had picked us and wanted to confirm this in a phone call. That is not the case. She has two other couples she is interviewing as well. We just learned this this afternoon. I guess the counselor forgot to tell us last night and we forgot to ask. I guess this was our first mistake since yesterday. We also told some people which we shouln't have done. Because we didn't know better and I so wanted to share our excitement.
But now the news you have been waiting vor:
The baby boy (didn't I tell you?) was born healthy this morning. We don't know whether this is going to be our baby. We so want this to happen. We so desire to parent. I hope we will be able to convey this to her. I hope she likes us. I am praying for her to make the right decision for her little angel. Did I mention that tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my first pregnancy ever that unfortunately ended in a miscarriage.

We are waiting since around 1 p.m. this afternoon. Nearly 7 hours now and it is driving us crazy. I am terrified she might pick someone else. We didn't book the flight yet and didn't go shopping. It is really hard because we can't leave the house. Thank God for pizza delivery.

The call

My dad is doing alright. He had surgery yesterday and we have to wait for the results.

We received the call last night.

While I was thinking about how to update our birth parent letter and how to do our profile, a young woman was already looking at the quick pdf we had made for the mom in Hawaii. She wants us to be the parents of her little baby. My hubby and I have a little dispute whether it is a girl or a boy (pretty sure it is a boy, of course).

She went in labor last night, so our little angel might already be born.

We will have a telephone conference with her later today. And we might actually fly out there tomorrow.

It is all very overwhelming and I am really shocked. I didn't expect it to happen that soon.

We have zero baby equipment in our house, so this afternoon we might go on a little shopping spree. But you only need five things, right?

The circle of life...

I talked to my parents every day and am trying to support them as much as I can. My dad has a biopsy next week to figure out what is going on. They don't know yet where the cancer is coming from, whether from the throat (he had vocal cords cancer 5 years ago) or from the lung. After that examination we will know more. Then I will also decide when I will go there the next time. I hadn't planned on going back that fast. But my dad has his birthday at the end of this month. If we know that it will be his last birthday, I will spend it with him.

I also talked to a friend. Her dad had a lung tumor five years ago. They took out a part of his lung and he is fine. Dr. Google told me that only 10% of patients survive a lung cancer for more than 5 years.

I thought about stopping the adoption process. How can I be at two places at the same time? But I am not going to let this disease ruin our dreams. At least not yet. We are going ahead as planned. We had worked on our birthparent letter again last weekend. I sent it to the agency, but they haven't called yet. This week has been crazy so far with work and my class. At least I am now in an earlier class and can go to the office afterwards.

I couldn't wait for the day that our children will meet my parents. I so wanted my dad to be able to experience a similar relationship with his grandkids like I had with my grandfather. Now he might never meet them. That makes me really sad.

I had a very special relationship with my grandfather. He was a wonderful man. He worked so much his hole life until he was in his 90s. He died of cancer (he was my mom's dad) when he was 92. In his last days my mom and I took care of him together. And I am so grateful for this. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. It was so hard to see him in pain and to not be able to help him. We called the doctor quite a lot to administer some morphine. It has brought my mom and me a lot closer. It has shown us how strong we can be if we need to.

We all had enough time to pray with my grandfather, to tell him how much we loved him and to say our final goodbyes. The first nights I slept in his room, but would awake as soon as I didn't hear him snoring any more. After a couple of nights I realized that I needed to sleep to be there for him when I was awake. He died at a minute when we weren't there. He had checked on him right before and everything was fine. I think
he waited for us to be not in the room, because he didn't want us there. That was the first time that I had seen a family member die.

It is so hard to realize that this is how the world goes. Babies are born. People die. Every day. That is the circle of life. Right now it looks like my only contribution to this cycle is that I will die one day.

I hope so much that God is for real. I want to believe in him and have faith, but sometimes I have a hard time to understand it. Why does God let all these things happen? If everything happens for a reason, then what is the reason for this?

Cancer

My dad has a lung tumor. I just found out about it. The doctor gives him 6 months to a year to live, maybe less.

I don't really know what to say.