On hope and expectations

I have thought about this post for a couple of days now and I finally have the time to sit down and write it. I recently learned a new word in Spanish: ESPERAR. In English it means: to HOPE and to EXPECT. The little unfertile soul of mine thought about the meaning of those words for the infertile community.

We, like 100% of all couples out there EXPECTED when we went off birth control we would EXPECT a baby in a couple of weeks or months. And while 90% of all couples will EXPECT a baby in a year, we kept on waiting. We are part of the remaining 10% that continue HOPING. Once we moved on to fertility treatments, we EXPECTED that those would work for us. And as most couples climb the ladder of fertility treatments up rung by rung from Clomid over IUIs to IVFs they continue to HOPE that one of those will help them to create the family they have been longing for. The longer they are in treatment the less they EXPECT that something will work for them. But they don't give up HOPE.

We had directly moved on to the strongest treatment out there: IVF. And I really EXPECTED it to work for us. I didn't EXPECT it to work the first time, but lots of our friends did it twice and it worked the second time. That what I EXPECTED for us. I didn't EXPECT to get pregnant on my own and have a miscarriage shortly afterwards. But sadly the miscarriage also gave me some HOPE. We have several friends that had a miscarriage and went on to have successful pregnancies afterwards. So I HOPED to become pregnant again and I EXPECTED a successful pregnancy the second time around. When I got pregnant again I HOPED that the HCG value would go up. I didn't EXPECT it to work, but I didn't want to give up HOPE.

When we moved on to adoption I didn't EXPECT that we would have a baby soon. But I HOPED. I am still HOPING... But I don't EXPECT it.

What I want to point out with this post is just that for a lot of people out there to HOPE and to EXPECT is not the same thing even if it can mean the same word in another language.

Very often you start with EXPECTations about your life and how it is going to be. If not everything goes as planned the only thing you have left is HOPE and faith that God knows what he is doing.

Careful at Target!

We had a great Memorial Day week-end down at my FIL's house in NC. On Saturday we went to the beach for the day. Unfortunately the weather was not so nice first, so we were strolling down the beach with our umbrellas. The water was really warm and it was just nice to be able to feel the sand under our naked toes. We collected tons of shells. On Sunday we went for a boat ride in one of the lakes. We saw turtles and birds. It was great. Afterwards we had a real nice BBQ with my FIL, BIL and BIL's wife and our nephew. We also played boccie. The drive back up to D.C. was less fun. 95 was a parking lot and it took us forever...

And I finally did it. I bough something for the baby. That was a really big step for me. And I had a traumatizing experience. We went to Target and I had picked out a travel bed from Eddie Bauer. It was the last one on the display. My brother and his girl-friend bought some other stuff. Then we went to the strollers and were looking at them. Our cart was right behind us until we turned a corner. We went back to pick up our cart and it was gone. Including all our stuff in it. We were running through the whole store to find it. With no success. Can you imagine. I finally take all my bravery together and intend to buy something for the baby. And then our cart gets stolen... I asked a shop assistant for help and she couldn't find it either. But she told us that they usually go around the shop to find owner-less carts and take the stuff back. But the bed didn't make it back. She then went to find it for us at the storage. But when I walked around some more, I found the bed and a trouser that my brother wanted to buy at the ladies wardrobe. The rest of our stuff was already gone. The store assistants had taken it. I mean, we were standing right around the corner and we were looking at baby stuff. Couldn't they have asked us whether that was our cart before they just take it away? I am so glad we didn't have a real life Baby in our cart. They probably would have taken it, put a price tag on it and sold it in the store.

We even managed to keep the bed and the cart this time and I bought it. It is now sitting in our office waiting for its trip to pick up our baby. Fortunately I don't go to the office every day, so I don't have to look at it all the time...

100 posts and a birthday

This is my 100 post. Sorry for not updating earlier, but my brother and his girlfriend are in town (yeah!) and we are having a great time. Yesterday I had a wonderful birthday. I skipped language class and had taken the day off from work, so the three of us went to go shopping to a very nice outlet mall. These European with their freaking Euro nearly bought the whole mall. Three jeans, three purses, three watches, three belts, three tops, four bras, one wallet, one pair of shoes, one fragrance, one dress, one newborn outfit (for my friend), one pullover, etc. later our poor credit cards were allowed to take a break and we drove home.
My brother and his girl-friend were cooking in honor of my birthday last night and boy, they are fantastic cooks. Great dinner! We also had some friends over and received some additional surprise guests. It was a wonderful birthday and we celebrated until about 2:30 a.m. That was a really short night as I had to get up at 6:30 a.m. this morning. But I feel wonderful and energized. Being around people is where I get my energy from. As you might be able to tell I am not an introvert.

I have several posts in mind that I thought writing in the last days, but I just don't have the time right now. Just on a short notice: My colleague is pregnant with twins. I am really happy for her.

I won't go into details now, but we were contacted last Sunday about a possible adoption in Texas. The mom and the baby tested positive for Marijuana. Therefore they lost custody and had the chance to give the child up for adoption. But it turns out the parents of the child don't believe in adoption and decided it was better to give their baby into the foster system. What a great choice!!!

When is it finally August 10??? When are the next 82 days finally over???

Welcome to the world!

One of my friends just had a baby yesterday. She is the one that throughout her pregnancy was very sensitive with me. She just called and told me that the birth was really easy for her. They gave her an epidural and she had not really any pain. And the baby just slided out.

She also told me that several people from her office already came to visit her in the hospital and they hadn't even told her before that they were going to come. They upset the baby because there was so much noise going on.

We will go to visit the new family on Sunday. I am very excited to see the little one.

Have you ever measured your bone density?

Today I went for a bone density measurement to determine my risk for osteoporosis. I have been wanting to do this for quite a while. I figured that I have a high risk. My mom has osteoporosis and I was on a medicine induced menopause with Lupron two years ago for a couple of months. I don't eat my three daily doses of calcium and I don't even take a supplement all the time. So I knew that I was at an elevated risk.

Many years ago, in 2002 I actually attended in a previous job the world congress of osteoporosis researchers in Lisbon with Camilla Barker Bowles (yes, I shook her hand) and Queen Rania from Jordan (yes, she is as beautiful as she looks on all the pictures). We also saw an exhibition by the famous photographer Oliviero Toscani on Osteoporosis.

I learned more about this terrible disease and how easy it is to prevent a lot of the damage later in life. The diagnosis is an easy test with some kind of ultrasound done at your foot. It doesn't hurt and only takes about 5 minutes.

My dear friends, if you haven't done so already, you should get tested around 30-35. Please find out whether you are at risk. Because if you start prevention now you will have a better quality of life later. They actually told me that they would like to test more young women my age because there is so much that these young women can do to prevent the disease.

My results were o.k. I am on the lower average level with an increased risk to get the disease. So they encouraged me to take my daily dose of calcium (1000 mg a day in supplements or food) and to start working out three times a week. I am already drinking my orange juice with calcium (300 mg), but I admit that I can do more...

Nominated and update on my dad

Kathy V was so nice to nominate me with the kind blogger award. I feel very honored, especially because I receive so many nice comments, way more than I ever have time to write to others.



As far as I understand I am supposed to pass on the torch. I would like to pass this torch on to the following kind bloggers:

Lori who is wonderful and always just a comment away. Thank you so much.

Jessica who is in the process of adopting and hopefully will be able to celebrate every mother's day from now on.

An update on my dad. They did a surgery to take out the tumor which was successful. It sounds like the doctors are happy with how the surgery went. They didn't find any more metastasis and they know now that this is not a returned cancer from the vocal cords, but a new cancer. Now he needs radiation and chemotherapy. All your prayers are highly appreciated.

I told him around his birthday that he will be a grandfather in August if everything goes well (I always add that, because I am so scared that it might not). He is very excited and is very much looking forward to the newest addition to our family. I hope we can travel soon after the adoption to Europe to show him his first grandchild.

Mother's day in church

Mother's day is one of the most difficult days for me in the year. Each year in church they are praying for the moms and I feel so left out. Last year they had little kids stand at the door asking every woman whether she was a mother and handing little presents to the moms. It was super hard last year and all I could do was shake my head and start crying. How much do I wish and desire to be a mother.

Mother's day is a little bit like Christmas. Every year I wonder whether this is finally the last Christmas that my hubby and I spend alone. It is the same with mother's day.

Today at church I managed to sneak out at the other door and nobody asked me whether I was a mom. My hubby was very cute. He said that I am in the process of being one. He crafted little paper chains for us with the due date and our departure date. Each week we can rip one ring of. 13 more until baby is born. Our baby? I wish I knew.

3 more months

We have three more months until our baby is born. But will it really be our baby? Will the birthmother change her mind? The person from the agency had told us we might be able to have a telephone conference with the birthmom after we send the check. We hadn't heard from them afterwards so I called them and asked for the telephone conference. We had the impression that this was what the birthmother desired. But it turns out she is as scared as we are and doesn't really want to talk to us right now. I can understand that on the one hand. On the other hand I had hoped that after a telephone call I might feel safer with the whole situation. Now I feel not a little bit safer and we have to wait three long months until we find out whether it will work out.

I wish we wouldn't have had the experience with the other birthmother that decided to parent, then I might feel the way I do.

We haven't bought anything yet. But last week-end we went to the hell for all infertile women: Babies R Us. All people around us where either pregnant or were pushing a cart with a newborn or had a toddler with them. I felt like a cheater. Who entitled me to be there? There I was, not pregnant, but in a place destined for pregnant women or mothers. I was wondering what the other people thought when we were looking at car seats and strollers and cribs... Did they think I was not far along yet in my pregnancy? Or did they just think that we were probably shopping for someone else? It felt very weird. I found super cute onesies and was close to buying them. But then I thought: better wait for the right moment. Which I feel is after the baby is born and we know for sure that we will take it home. At least we decided that we'd like a car seat that can fit on a stroller. And that we would like a pack'n'play. And on some other stuff.

Is anyone around me not pregnant now?

Thank you for all your comments on the last blog. I would love to give you more info, but I don't really have any. I still feel very unsafe and insecure. I talked to the agency this week and they are still missing some paperwork that they sent us again now. I told them that they had offered us to set up a telephone conference with the birth mother after we sent the check for the birth mother expenses, but I haven't heard back from them.

I am praying that the birth mom has peace of mind with her decision. I am wondering how she is feeling. I hope she is doing alright.

Poor hubby is terribly sick since yesterday. He had been puking several times and also has a cough. We are supposed to have dinner with some friends from Phoenix tonight. I hope he will feel better then.

I had an evaluation on my learning progress today. It was o.k., but I don't like tests and evaluations. I am not very good in presenting things and talking about subjects.

This week I received other news. One of my other friends here is pregnant. She is 35 and they have been trying for a month to get pregnant. I remember sitting with them in the car when they told me that they were going to start trying. That was about 2 months ago. She is seven weeks along now. If I wouldn't love her so much, I might have to hate her. I am really happy for them and I didn't even cry... Is anyone around me not pregnant now? Well I guess, if this is for real we are at least paper pregnant. But the fact that we won't find out before August is killing me.

Have a great weekend everybody.