That is how I am trying to take it right now. The weekend was really hard and I cried a lot. I felt like we lost a family member. It hurt that much.
On Saturday we met a family with two adopted girls. The mother understood me so well. We were like sisters in suffering. She was 40, when she adopted her first daughter and 43 with the second. We were introduced to someone that works with the foster system. I sent her an email today and hope to hear back from her about some contacts. You never know...
We talked to the agency today and spoke about our concerns with the time frame we are facing. We only have two months left before we leave the country. They understand our problems and will hopefully get back to us with some other suggestions. But we don't know when and that is driving me crazy... My old impatience is coming back.
It is just so hard. I allowed myself to get excited and that made me so vulnerable. I was so looking forward to August 10. Counting the days in my schedule. Ripping up silly paper chain links. Now we can start all over again. We know that it will happen, but we don't know when. I don't want to be vulnerable again, but I don't want to live the rest of my life without getting excited either.
We had to pick up some more baby stuff at our friends house yesterday and it felt so wrong picking up stuff for a baby that doesn't exist. Now we have tons of boys clothes in our house and can easily survive the first three months. If we get matched with a baby girl, she will have to wear tons of blue clothes. But that is okay. I'd rather have a girl wearing blue clothes than blue clothes without a baby to wear them.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Devastated
Yesterday at the airport I had a call from the agency. I called them back right away. The birthmother hasn't returned any of their phone calls for more than a week. They believe these are some red flags and have asked us whether we would like to be presented to other birthmothers. I said yes.
As you can imagine I am devastated. While our house now holds an assembly of donated baby items for a prospective baby, our dreams of becoming parents are on hold. I feel like we have wasted the time from April to June to be presented to other birthmothers while we were waiting on an update from this one.
I feel like we will never be parents. What if the next birthmother changes her mind as well?
As you can imagine I am devastated. While our house now holds an assembly of donated baby items for a prospective baby, our dreams of becoming parents are on hold. I feel like we have wasted the time from April to June to be presented to other birthmothers while we were waiting on an update from this one.
I feel like we will never be parents. What if the next birthmother changes her mind as well?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Update on my dad
While I am waiting to be picked up to go to the airport, I wanted to give you a quick update on my dad. I finally just talked to one of his doctors. I tried to do this for a while, but I delayed it because of the problem with the time difference and because I was scared for what I might hear.
Until last week I thought they had destroyed the tumor with a laser, but last week my mom told me that the tumor was sitting on the Aorta and they couldn't operate it. It is so difficult to deal with loved ones in such a situation. I never received all the information I was looking for. When I asked for the size of the tumor, my mom didn't know. She hadn't asked.
The doctor today told me how my parents talk about their daughter in the US all the time. She informed me that the tumor has spread to the lymph nodes, but fortunately there are no metastasis in the liver or the lung yet. It is not a small celled tumor and the stage is T 4 which means it is the worst and most critic. It is a big tumor it sounds like. Through the chemotherapy and the radiation he has been receiving they were able to shrink the tumor a little.
But she told me that his cancer is not curable. She also recommended to go see him for Christmas because it could be the last Christmas that we will be spending together as a family.
I am sad. I will loose my dad in the next year or two. I never thought that would happen so early. I am not ready for this to happen. Even as I sit here and write, tears are streaming down my cheeks. The thing that makes me sad most is that he will not have the time and not be able to see his grandchildren grow up. They will not be able to develop this special relationship I had with my grandfather for 25 years.
When we went camping last week-end I saw these grandfathers with their grandchildren. One of them was proudly wearing a T-Shirt that said "World's Best Grandfather". It broke my heart because I thought how my father will never be able to experience doing something fun with his grandchildren. Daddy, I love you so much. I have always looked up to you and always was your little girl. You encouraged me all my life to follow my career. I owe you so much. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and in my heart.
Until last week I thought they had destroyed the tumor with a laser, but last week my mom told me that the tumor was sitting on the Aorta and they couldn't operate it. It is so difficult to deal with loved ones in such a situation. I never received all the information I was looking for. When I asked for the size of the tumor, my mom didn't know. She hadn't asked.
The doctor today told me how my parents talk about their daughter in the US all the time. She informed me that the tumor has spread to the lymph nodes, but fortunately there are no metastasis in the liver or the lung yet. It is not a small celled tumor and the stage is T 4 which means it is the worst and most critic. It is a big tumor it sounds like. Through the chemotherapy and the radiation he has been receiving they were able to shrink the tumor a little.
But she told me that his cancer is not curable. She also recommended to go see him for Christmas because it could be the last Christmas that we will be spending together as a family.
I am sad. I will loose my dad in the next year or two. I never thought that would happen so early. I am not ready for this to happen. Even as I sit here and write, tears are streaming down my cheeks. The thing that makes me sad most is that he will not have the time and not be able to see his grandchildren grow up. They will not be able to develop this special relationship I had with my grandfather for 25 years.
When we went camping last week-end I saw these grandfathers with their grandchildren. One of them was proudly wearing a T-Shirt that said "World's Best Grandfather". It broke my heart because I thought how my father will never be able to experience doing something fun with his grandchildren. Daddy, I love you so much. I have always looked up to you and always was your little girl. You encouraged me all my life to follow my career. I owe you so much. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and in my heart.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Tagged and MIA
I have been tagged by Dave and before I head out, I'm just gonna answer really quick.
1. What did you do 10 years ago?
I worked in an election campaign and was about to finish my studies. I got engaged, but never married the guy. We just realized that we were not a match made in heaven...
2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?
- Get the baby's room ready
- Clean out our house
- Go through my books to see what I can leave here and what I'll take
- Rent our house
- Move
3. Favorite snacks?
- Guacamole and Chips
- Spinach Artichoke dip
4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?
- adopt tons of kids (Angelina and Brad, we'll get you) and also find other ways to enlarge our family (maybe we'll find a surrogate, do donor eggs, IVF, or all of it)
- donate to charity
- buy a nice house
5. Places where you’ve lived?
- Berlin, Germany
- Padua, Italy
- Washington, D.C.
- Virginia
Now I tag: A little Sweetness, Taking the statistical bullet, LJ, Here's to Hope, and Hopefully Hoping.
1. What did you do 10 years ago?
I worked in an election campaign and was about to finish my studies. I got engaged, but never married the guy. We just realized that we were not a match made in heaven...
2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?
- Get the baby's room ready
- Clean out our house
- Go through my books to see what I can leave here and what I'll take
- Rent our house
- Move
3. Favorite snacks?
- Guacamole and Chips
- Spinach Artichoke dip
4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?
- adopt tons of kids (Angelina and Brad, we'll get you) and also find other ways to enlarge our family (maybe we'll find a surrogate, do donor eggs, IVF, or all of it)
- donate to charity
- buy a nice house
5. Places where you’ve lived?
- Berlin, Germany
- Padua, Italy
- Washington, D.C.
- Virginia
Now I tag: A little Sweetness, Taking the statistical bullet, LJ, Here's to Hope, and Hopefully Hoping.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Traveling
Thank you all so much for your input on breastmilk. I thought that was really informative and will try to see whether I can find some around here. At least for a couple of days to mix with the formula... But I think I have decided that trying to breastfeed myself will be to much of a hassle. Formula it is for our baby...
We are going camping this weekend with our church small group. I am very excited and have to head out. A friend is coming in a little bit and I still need to finish packing, pick up hubby, and then we go..
Next week I am heading out to Mexico for work for a couple of days. Hopefully I will be able to practice my Spanish a little bit. At least that way time is passing a little faster. I'll try to post as soon as possible.
We are going camping this weekend with our church small group. I am very excited and have to head out. A friend is coming in a little bit and I still need to finish packing, pick up hubby, and then we go..
Next week I am heading out to Mexico for work for a couple of days. Hopefully I will be able to practice my Spanish a little bit. At least that way time is passing a little faster. I'll try to post as soon as possible.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
No, I didn't!
Hubby and I talked about the breastfeeding thing yesterday and we both agree that we are not very excited about the medication aspect. The perspective of investing a lot of time and effort in something that might not even work, doesn't sound too appealing to us right now. In addition, my friend who just had a baby, told me that if she is stressed breastfeeding is even more difficult. Besides the adjustment of having a brand new baby in the house in a little bit more than 53 (!) days, I will probably be completely stressed out about our upcoming move and how to get everything packed and organized. Furthermore, I don't think I will be able to make time 6 times a day for 30 minutes to stimulate my breast now. Besides school and work, I don't know where to take the time from. But I am still thinking about using the lact-aid once the baby is here to see whether I can stimulate my breast to produce at least some milk.
Someone also had told me that you can get breastmilk in hospitals sometimes. Maybe that would be an option. Then we could get the baby something good without having to go through all the struggle. It sounds like there are even so-called milkbanks. I wonder whether there is one around here. I have to do some research on the hospitals to figure out whether buying some breastmilk would be an option. Anyone knows someone who wants to sell some breastmilk? Just kidding...
My mom called me today. I think it was her bad conscience after our unpleasant phone conversation last weekend. She was really trying to be nice. And then it happened: I told her that I was considering breastfeeding. And her reaction was completely averse to it. I was really surprised about that. She argued about what I had put my body already through and all. I mentioned that I wanted to do what was best for our baby. I also told her that one of the reasons was that this was maybe the closest I might ever get to having my body do what it is supposed to do. At least if I never get pregnant again. She said that it would be so difficult and everything. I then said: "Yeah, but you also breastfed me when I was a baby." And she's like: "No, I didn't!"
That came as a complete shock to me. For all of my life I thought that I was breastfed. My mom then told me that she tried it with my brother and it didn't work, so she gave it up. At that time they were not very supportive in the hospital of breastfeeding and a thing like a lactation consultant didn't even exist. After she had given birth to me, they told her in the hospital that she shouldn't even try it. It would not be worth it... How times change...
Now I am just shocked that I didn't know it. I don't judge her for not breastfeeding me. I am just stunned that we never talked about it.
Someone also had told me that you can get breastmilk in hospitals sometimes. Maybe that would be an option. Then we could get the baby something good without having to go through all the struggle. It sounds like there are even so-called milkbanks. I wonder whether there is one around here. I have to do some research on the hospitals to figure out whether buying some breastmilk would be an option. Anyone knows someone who wants to sell some breastmilk? Just kidding...
My mom called me today. I think it was her bad conscience after our unpleasant phone conversation last weekend. She was really trying to be nice. And then it happened: I told her that I was considering breastfeeding. And her reaction was completely averse to it. I was really surprised about that. She argued about what I had put my body already through and all. I mentioned that I wanted to do what was best for our baby. I also told her that one of the reasons was that this was maybe the closest I might ever get to having my body do what it is supposed to do. At least if I never get pregnant again. She said that it would be so difficult and everything. I then said: "Yeah, but you also breastfed me when I was a baby." And she's like: "No, I didn't!"
That came as a complete shock to me. For all of my life I thought that I was breastfed. My mom then told me that she tried it with my brother and it didn't work, so she gave it up. At that time they were not very supportive in the hospital of breastfeeding and a thing like a lactation consultant didn't even exist. After she had given birth to me, they told her in the hospital that she shouldn't even try it. It would not be worth it... How times change...
Now I am just shocked that I didn't know it. I don't judge her for not breastfeeding me. I am just stunned that we never talked about it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
54 days to go
Yesterday I saved us $70 by scheduling a telephone conversation with a lactation consultant instead of an appointment. I'll save all of you interested in the subject the fee for the telephone consult and will try to repeat what she said. We talked to her and asked her about the process to induce lactation.
First she first that while a lot of adoptive mothers are thinking about it, in the end only about 50% go on to breastfeed. Some of those try it for a week and are pretty frustrated if it doesn't work out and end up not breastfeeding at all. Only about 1 in 10 adoptive mothers can breastfeed exclusively and don't have to supplement with formula. Normally these are the women who have breastfed a baby before.
She recommended to get a breast exam first. The next thing would be to go asap on the pill for a couple of weeks to produce more breast milk. And then she talked about a drug called Domperidone (Motillium). It is not FDA approved and difficult to get in the US and very expensive here ($160). But she thinks it works really well. I would have to take it about 4 weeks before the baby's birth.
She also recommended I rent a breast pump from them for two months and try to start pumping 6(!) times a day for 30 minutes. But she also said that some women are not producing any milk at all and if an adoptive mom produces 2 ounces a day, she can be lucky. She said Babies drink about 24 ounces a day once they are about a month old.
At the beginning I could also use a lact-aid to stimulate lactation. Of course she wanted me to come in and have several consultations with her to get started.
How do I feel about all of this? It sounds like it is a lot of work for an outcome that is doubtable. I don't know whether I would like to start pumping my body full of medication after all the fertility treatments last year. I am still thinking about it, but I might just end up renting a pump and getting the lact-aid and see where this is going...
I talked to my hubby about the blog yesterday. He had never read it before and I showed it to him. He suggested that his mother might be very interested in this blog and I should invite her to read it. I am very sorry, honey, but I don't want to discuss any of this with your mom.
First she first that while a lot of adoptive mothers are thinking about it, in the end only about 50% go on to breastfeed. Some of those try it for a week and are pretty frustrated if it doesn't work out and end up not breastfeeding at all. Only about 1 in 10 adoptive mothers can breastfeed exclusively and don't have to supplement with formula. Normally these are the women who have breastfed a baby before.
She recommended to get a breast exam first. The next thing would be to go asap on the pill for a couple of weeks to produce more breast milk. And then she talked about a drug called Domperidone (Motillium). It is not FDA approved and difficult to get in the US and very expensive here ($160). But she thinks it works really well. I would have to take it about 4 weeks before the baby's birth.
She also recommended I rent a breast pump from them for two months and try to start pumping 6(!) times a day for 30 minutes. But she also said that some women are not producing any milk at all and if an adoptive mom produces 2 ounces a day, she can be lucky. She said Babies drink about 24 ounces a day once they are about a month old.
At the beginning I could also use a lact-aid to stimulate lactation. Of course she wanted me to come in and have several consultations with her to get started.
How do I feel about all of this? It sounds like it is a lot of work for an outcome that is doubtable. I don't know whether I would like to start pumping my body full of medication after all the fertility treatments last year. I am still thinking about it, but I might just end up renting a pump and getting the lact-aid and see where this is going...
I talked to my hubby about the blog yesterday. He had never read it before and I showed it to him. He suggested that his mother might be very interested in this blog and I should invite her to read it. I am very sorry, honey, but I don't want to discuss any of this with your mom.
Monday, June 16, 2008
56 more days
Needless to say that we didn't get to talk to the birth mom last weekend. Instead I had a very unpleasant conversation with my mom. I really would like to say that she is super excited to be a grandma to an adopted child. But I can't. She hasn't asked me a single time how the process goes or if we have heard any updates. She hasn't asked me a single time what she can get for her grandson. I know that her mind circulates around my dad's health right now. She has to take him to his radiation every single day and he will have another cycle of chemotherapy next week.
In addition, for her adoption is a foreign concept. I know that she will come around eventually once she holds the baby in her arms. But I really feel neglected. I wrote her a letter recently where I told her how important her support for our adoption was for us and where I translated an article about adoptive grandparents. She called me after she received the letter four months ago and told me she was going to write me back. Of course I haven't received a single line from her. I didn't even get a card from her for my birthday. She has given me money, though.
If I was pregnant, she would probably call all the time to make sure I am alright. Instead I talked to my Dad the last five times when I called my parents and my Mom was always somewhere else. She didn't call back a single time. She hasn't called me at all recently. I told her all of that and she told me she didn't want to interfere in my life. I told her that her non-interference appears like disinterest to me. She blamed the distance on the fact that she doesn't have more interest in our expanding family. It was like a slap in my face. I know that she is not happy with how I choose my life because it brought me to the U.S. and away from her. But she should find some consolation in the fact that I have a wonderful husband that tries to make me happy (even if that seems difficult these days).
Therefore I would like to know from all of you who have adopted: have you had similar situations with your parents? Are they all super excited? How did you help them with the process?
My DH told me yesterday that my BIL and wife are expecting again. They are due in December when our nephew will be 18 months old. Of course they didn't need any medical interventions to conceive and could just do it by having sex. I was very depressed after hearing these news. Not because I am not happy for them.
But because I am jealous that some people just get to plan when they have their babies and conceive without any problems and costs while others are trying and trying while spending lots of money with no results.
I would love to spend our money in other areas of our life. I would love to have more kids after our adoption, but the question when we will be able to adopt again will probably be one of finances. And I hate that idea. I'd rather spend the money on my kids then on the process to conceive/adopt them. I feel like something has been robbed from my life. I was supposed to be the one that conceives without problems. I was the one that was supposed to pop out one baby after the next. What went wrong in this equation?
Tonight we will go to our friends house. I am talking about the one that has volunteered to give us some baby stuff. I am very happy about this and feel ready to take some more baby stuff into our house. Maybe the fact that we are not going out there to buy it, helps too.
Sorry for this negative blog entry. I hope I'll be able to regain some positive attitude tomorrow. When I was lying in bed last night, crying, and talking to God, he heard me. I felt already better this morning...
In addition, for her adoption is a foreign concept. I know that she will come around eventually once she holds the baby in her arms. But I really feel neglected. I wrote her a letter recently where I told her how important her support for our adoption was for us and where I translated an article about adoptive grandparents. She called me after she received the letter four months ago and told me she was going to write me back. Of course I haven't received a single line from her. I didn't even get a card from her for my birthday. She has given me money, though.
If I was pregnant, she would probably call all the time to make sure I am alright. Instead I talked to my Dad the last five times when I called my parents and my Mom was always somewhere else. She didn't call back a single time. She hasn't called me at all recently. I told her all of that and she told me she didn't want to interfere in my life. I told her that her non-interference appears like disinterest to me. She blamed the distance on the fact that she doesn't have more interest in our expanding family. It was like a slap in my face. I know that she is not happy with how I choose my life because it brought me to the U.S. and away from her. But she should find some consolation in the fact that I have a wonderful husband that tries to make me happy (even if that seems difficult these days).
Therefore I would like to know from all of you who have adopted: have you had similar situations with your parents? Are they all super excited? How did you help them with the process?
My DH told me yesterday that my BIL and wife are expecting again. They are due in December when our nephew will be 18 months old. Of course they didn't need any medical interventions to conceive and could just do it by having sex. I was very depressed after hearing these news. Not because I am not happy for them.
But because I am jealous that some people just get to plan when they have their babies and conceive without any problems and costs while others are trying and trying while spending lots of money with no results.
I would love to spend our money in other areas of our life. I would love to have more kids after our adoption, but the question when we will be able to adopt again will probably be one of finances. And I hate that idea. I'd rather spend the money on my kids then on the process to conceive/adopt them. I feel like something has been robbed from my life. I was supposed to be the one that conceives without problems. I was the one that was supposed to pop out one baby after the next. What went wrong in this equation?
Tonight we will go to our friends house. I am talking about the one that has volunteered to give us some baby stuff. I am very happy about this and feel ready to take some more baby stuff into our house. Maybe the fact that we are not going out there to buy it, helps too.
Sorry for this negative blog entry. I hope I'll be able to regain some positive attitude tomorrow. When I was lying in bed last night, crying, and talking to God, he heard me. I felt already better this morning...
Sunday, June 15, 2008
8 more weeks...
Time is really passing. We are getting a little closer to our goal every day. Today is another possibility to take off one of the paper chain links. Of course, we haven't heard from the agency. They haven't set up a telephone conference and I somehow thought that this might happen. It is just frustrating if they promise something and then they don't follow through.
Yesterday we continued to paint the guest bedroom/nursery. Hubby finished painting the rest of the ceiling and we primed the other half of the room. It was a lot of work, but I hope we will be able to finish it today...
Last night we had some friends over for dinner. Hubby made wonderful BBQ rips in the Crockpot. The BBQ sauce cooked for 5 hours on Friday and he had the rips cook another 9 hours yesterday. They were very yummy. I also made my peanut butter chocolate pie which is delicious.
Our friends brought their newborn daughter. It was one of her first outings. I even finally got to hold her for the first time. And she was completely happy and satisfied. I was holding her while our friends ate their dinner and they said it was the first time since she was born in May that they actually managed to eat a full dinner without being interrupted by their daughters cry. She even fell asleep on me... How wonderful. She is just freaking adorable and I can't wait... She is only one month old and after holding her for a while I could definitely feel my arms hurting. I guess I need to lift some weights if I ever find the time to do so.
Dh went for a soccer game today and when he got home he told me he wanted to cook the fish he had taken out of the freezer a couple of days ago. The bad thing is that I didn't remember whether I had taken it out or him and I was concerned about food safety on Friday, so I ended up throwing it out. Dh just explained me that it was in a freezer package and it was perfectly fine in the fridge for a couple of days. Before he gets mad at me, I better jump of the couch and help him painting the bedroom.... :-)
Yesterday we continued to paint the guest bedroom/nursery. Hubby finished painting the rest of the ceiling and we primed the other half of the room. It was a lot of work, but I hope we will be able to finish it today...
Last night we had some friends over for dinner. Hubby made wonderful BBQ rips in the Crockpot. The BBQ sauce cooked for 5 hours on Friday and he had the rips cook another 9 hours yesterday. They were very yummy. I also made my peanut butter chocolate pie which is delicious.
Our friends brought their newborn daughter. It was one of her first outings. I even finally got to hold her for the first time. And she was completely happy and satisfied. I was holding her while our friends ate their dinner and they said it was the first time since she was born in May that they actually managed to eat a full dinner without being interrupted by their daughters cry. She even fell asleep on me... How wonderful. She is just freaking adorable and I can't wait... She is only one month old and after holding her for a while I could definitely feel my arms hurting. I guess I need to lift some weights if I ever find the time to do so.
Dh went for a soccer game today and when he got home he told me he wanted to cook the fish he had taken out of the freezer a couple of days ago. The bad thing is that I didn't remember whether I had taken it out or him and I was concerned about food safety on Friday, so I ended up throwing it out. Dh just explained me that it was in a freezer package and it was perfectly fine in the fridge for a couple of days. Before he gets mad at me, I better jump of the couch and help him painting the bedroom.... :-)
Friday, June 13, 2008
If you knew...
Dear Baby,
Maybe you are kicking your mom or you are probably sleeping right now in your moms belly while I am thinking about you. I am thinking about you a lot. If you knew what is going to happen in a couple of weeks you would probably be very excited and scared. You don't have to be. I am sure your birth might be a traumatic experience with all the light and stress after the nice, safe, and cozy place you are at. But don't worry: later in life you won't even remember it any more.
And I just wanted to let you know how much you will be loved once you are here. Your daddy and I won't be your first parents, but we will be the onces that will love you, raise you and provide you with everything that you will need. Your first parents love you, too. They already have several children and can't afford another baby. That is why they picked us to raise you. They know that we can provide for you in a way that they won't be able to. But we hope that you will meet them and be able to develop a relationship with them later in life. We want you to know what your heritage is and we want you to be proud of it.
It is so difficult to convey all the love your daddy and I have for you. We can't wait for you to be here. We have so much love between us, we can't wait for you to share this love with us. There will be so many firsts in your life and in our life in the next weeks, months, and years. We are looking forward to every single first, from your first cry, to your first diaper, to your first bottle, your first smile, to your first tooth, to your first steps, to the first time that you call us "Mommy" and "Daddy".
We have longed for you for so long. Already we love you so much and we can't wait for you to be here. We are counting down the days for you to be born and to be with us.
Mommy and Daddy
Maybe you are kicking your mom or you are probably sleeping right now in your moms belly while I am thinking about you. I am thinking about you a lot. If you knew what is going to happen in a couple of weeks you would probably be very excited and scared. You don't have to be. I am sure your birth might be a traumatic experience with all the light and stress after the nice, safe, and cozy place you are at. But don't worry: later in life you won't even remember it any more.
And I just wanted to let you know how much you will be loved once you are here. Your daddy and I won't be your first parents, but we will be the onces that will love you, raise you and provide you with everything that you will need. Your first parents love you, too. They already have several children and can't afford another baby. That is why they picked us to raise you. They know that we can provide for you in a way that they won't be able to. But we hope that you will meet them and be able to develop a relationship with them later in life. We want you to know what your heritage is and we want you to be proud of it.
It is so difficult to convey all the love your daddy and I have for you. We can't wait for you to be here. We have so much love between us, we can't wait for you to share this love with us. There will be so many firsts in your life and in our life in the next weeks, months, and years. We are looking forward to every single first, from your first cry, to your first diaper, to your first bottle, your first smile, to your first tooth, to your first steps, to the first time that you call us "Mommy" and "Daddy".
We have longed for you for so long. Already we love you so much and we can't wait for you to be here. We are counting down the days for you to be born and to be with us.
Mommy and Daddy
Thursday, June 12, 2008
60 days to go
I am starting my little countdown now.
By now the agency has hopefully received our mail. Unfortunately we still haven't heard any updates. I find it frustrating not to hear anything. I don't expect an update every week. But it has been basically since April since we have been selected that we haven't heard anything except the fact that our file was submitted to the board and that we still needed to turn in some paperwork. If they are counseling her, what I would hope, I wonder why they are not able to give us any updates?
I just had one of those spontaneous moments and I just decided to call and ask. I talked to the person in charge and was promised an update on our situation today. So now I am very excited that we will hear more on our baby today. I wish they could send me some ultrasound pictures or something. That would make this baby and the fact that we might become his parents more real...
That was quick. I just received a call back. The birth father will be around this weekend and they will try to set up a conference call with us. If it doesn't work out we will do it only with the birthmom. WOW!!! We might finally get to talk to her... I am very excited about this opportunity, but also very anxious. What if I say something wrong? What if she doesn't like my accent? What if she changes her mind?
By now the agency has hopefully received our mail. Unfortunately we still haven't heard any updates. I find it frustrating not to hear anything. I don't expect an update every week. But it has been basically since April since we have been selected that we haven't heard anything except the fact that our file was submitted to the board and that we still needed to turn in some paperwork. If they are counseling her, what I would hope, I wonder why they are not able to give us any updates?
I just had one of those spontaneous moments and I just decided to call and ask. I talked to the person in charge and was promised an update on our situation today. So now I am very excited that we will hear more on our baby today. I wish they could send me some ultrasound pictures or something. That would make this baby and the fact that we might become his parents more real...
That was quick. I just received a call back. The birth father will be around this weekend and they will try to set up a conference call with us. If it doesn't work out we will do it only with the birthmom. WOW!!! We might finally get to talk to her... I am very excited about this opportunity, but also very anxious. What if I say something wrong? What if she doesn't like my accent? What if she changes her mind?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
2 more months
First, thank you all for your comments on my post from yesterday. They are highly appreciated and I will get back to some of you who have offered to help. I just need to find the time to really work on these issues. Between Spanish class and work I barely have time for anything else...
I had an evaluation in Spanish today and it sounds like I am on track. I probably will even be able to finish my class before August. The teacher was happy with my level of fluency and the fact that I just talk. I guess I need to slow down a little in order to think about what I am saying before I speak and control what is coming out of my mouth more to avoid little mistakes I am still making.
Yesterday I didn't have time to write, so I just write this as my post from yesterday. Two more months until our lives will change completely. At least we hope so. Even if I try not to get too excited it is hard not to think about it all day. I now feel comfortable talking about it and sharing our news with most of our friends. But I still have this nagging feeling about the possibility of her changing her mind. I pray for her every day and hope that she is in peace with her decision.
I also tried to set up a time and date with our friend that has offered to bless us with lots of baby stuff that she doesn't need any more. I think I am now o.k. with having some baby stuff in the house. That is already a progress for me, right? I feel that once the baby is here, we won't have a lot of time to think about these things because we will need them... And it might be difficult to do all the shopping with a newborn in tow... But I still think we will wait with the car seat and stroller until we are much closer to the due date.
We haven't heard anything from the agency. Our request to receive an update on the pregnancy was mailed to them, but the emails keep bouncing back. I mailed it to them in the normal mail yesterday. I don't know whether that is a good sign or a bad sign. The expectant mother is now in week 31 of her pregnancy and the baby should be about 4 pounds. I can't wait to hold him for the first time. How am I getting through the next 61 days???
I had an evaluation in Spanish today and it sounds like I am on track. I probably will even be able to finish my class before August. The teacher was happy with my level of fluency and the fact that I just talk. I guess I need to slow down a little in order to think about what I am saying before I speak and control what is coming out of my mouth more to avoid little mistakes I am still making.
Yesterday I didn't have time to write, so I just write this as my post from yesterday. Two more months until our lives will change completely. At least we hope so. Even if I try not to get too excited it is hard not to think about it all day. I now feel comfortable talking about it and sharing our news with most of our friends. But I still have this nagging feeling about the possibility of her changing her mind. I pray for her every day and hope that she is in peace with her decision.
I also tried to set up a time and date with our friend that has offered to bless us with lots of baby stuff that she doesn't need any more. I think I am now o.k. with having some baby stuff in the house. That is already a progress for me, right? I feel that once the baby is here, we won't have a lot of time to think about these things because we will need them... And it might be difficult to do all the shopping with a newborn in tow... But I still think we will wait with the car seat and stroller until we are much closer to the due date.
We haven't heard anything from the agency. Our request to receive an update on the pregnancy was mailed to them, but the emails keep bouncing back. I mailed it to them in the normal mail yesterday. I don't know whether that is a good sign or a bad sign. The expectant mother is now in week 31 of her pregnancy and the baby should be about 4 pounds. I can't wait to hold him for the first time. How am I getting through the next 61 days???
Monday, June 9, 2008
Breast or bottle???
The get-together that was no baby shower went o.k. I didn't stay so long because I had to pick up husband from soccer. It wasn't all about pregnancy after all. But I was the only one that wasn't pregnant or didn't bring a baby/toddler. One woman was pregnant. It is hard to feel like an expectant mom if there is no belly to show for. One of the ladies, a friend of ours, offered us some of her children's stuff. She just had a baby last November and is ready to get rid of some of her stuff due to a move.
But I asked the ladies whether they thought breastfeeding an adopted baby might be creepy. They were very supportive and said they didn't think it was creepy at all. I have thought about it and read about it for a while and I think I might like to give it a try. I am not concerned about attachment issues. It is more that I would like to give our baby the best possible start. The health benefits of breastfeeding are definitely convincing. Another reason is that I might never get to experience a pregnancy. When we adopt later we will probably adopt older children. Breastfeeding is as close as I might ever get to experiencing the natural and biological link a mom has to her child. Maybe my body does for once something it is supposed to do. If it doesn't work out, I won't be upset. I know it might be difficult for me to produce enough milk to exclusively breastfeed. But every bit helps. While I have read that it is possible, I have not actually met anyone that did it/does it.
This is why I need some input from those of you who have adopted or are in the process of adopting. What do think about breastfeeding? Have you considered it? Do you want to give it a try? When did you start pumping? Did you have lactation induced? How did you approach this? Did you talk to your doctor about it or did you see a lactation consultant? What were the reactions of friends and family? I have so many questions. Hopefully you guys have some answers for me.
But I asked the ladies whether they thought breastfeeding an adopted baby might be creepy. They were very supportive and said they didn't think it was creepy at all. I have thought about it and read about it for a while and I think I might like to give it a try. I am not concerned about attachment issues. It is more that I would like to give our baby the best possible start. The health benefits of breastfeeding are definitely convincing. Another reason is that I might never get to experience a pregnancy. When we adopt later we will probably adopt older children. Breastfeeding is as close as I might ever get to experiencing the natural and biological link a mom has to her child. Maybe my body does for once something it is supposed to do. If it doesn't work out, I won't be upset. I know it might be difficult for me to produce enough milk to exclusively breastfeed. But every bit helps. While I have read that it is possible, I have not actually met anyone that did it/does it.
This is why I need some input from those of you who have adopted or are in the process of adopting. What do think about breastfeeding? Have you considered it? Do you want to give it a try? When did you start pumping? Did you have lactation induced? How did you approach this? Did you talk to your doctor about it or did you see a lactation consultant? What were the reactions of friends and family? I have so many questions. Hopefully you guys have some answers for me.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
9 weeks to go and I hate popcorn ceilings...
Today we ripped off another link on our paper chain. With every link we rip off we get one week closer to our baby. At least I hope we do. We even started tackling another project this weekend. The nursery. Our nursery/current guest bedroom looks fine, but the previous owner had a child and the child had decided to paint parts of the wall. The previous owner left us a beautiful wall mural that we never changed. We always imagined that in a couple of months our baby might enjoy it. My husband even says we bought the house only because of the beautiful safari themed mural.
As you know we will be moving overseas in a couple of months. We had met with a property management company a couple of weeks ago and the guy told us the easiest way to rent a house is if the rooms are painted white. I guess it is because they look bigger that way. When we first moved in, we painted nearly the whole house. Every weekend was spent between home depot and painting. I was in charge of painting the trims and windows. After a couple of months I started to hate painting... It is so much work.
But of course we now have our rooms in completely different colors than the previous owner. She had a strange taste. For example the living room was a dark chocolate brown. The problem is that the house is not very sunny. It made it look really small. We changed that color to an off-white. She also painted on of the bathrooms in a really dark brown. The thing that was absolutely weird is that she also painted the ceiling in that brown. It made it look like a cave...
Back to the nursery: we decided that in order to rent the house we will have to paint parts of the house. The nursery was one of the rooms we needed to paint. So we decided to spend our weekend painting. It is so humid outside that there is no point in being outside anyway. We primed and painted two walls and parts of the ceiling. Have I told you that I absolutely hate popcorn ceilings? If you have to make a decision what ceiling to put in your new house, never go for popcorn ceiling. It is the worst to paint and it is really difficult to get it off once you decide that you don't like it any more... We still have some work to do, but we might not get to it today.
Hubby is going to play soccer and I have a surprise party to go to for the friend of ours that is expecting twins. It is not supposed to be a baby shower her husband said. Can you imagine that I am not really looking forward to it? She has been very insensitive before and during her pregnancy towards me. She is the one that asked me about three weeks after my second miscarriage (which she knew about): "So when are you getting ready to get pregnant again?" And that despite the fact that she had had a miscarriage before and knew how difficult it is. But I guess I need to go, so I have to get ready.
We also have a friend coming into town today and staying with us. Now that the guest bedroom is a current project, the only thing we can offer him is our living room couch or our floor (which is really comfortable). At least he will be a good excuse to leave the party...
Have a wonderful Sunday.
As you know we will be moving overseas in a couple of months. We had met with a property management company a couple of weeks ago and the guy told us the easiest way to rent a house is if the rooms are painted white. I guess it is because they look bigger that way. When we first moved in, we painted nearly the whole house. Every weekend was spent between home depot and painting. I was in charge of painting the trims and windows. After a couple of months I started to hate painting... It is so much work.
But of course we now have our rooms in completely different colors than the previous owner. She had a strange taste. For example the living room was a dark chocolate brown. The problem is that the house is not very sunny. It made it look really small. We changed that color to an off-white. She also painted on of the bathrooms in a really dark brown. The thing that was absolutely weird is that she also painted the ceiling in that brown. It made it look like a cave...
Back to the nursery: we decided that in order to rent the house we will have to paint parts of the house. The nursery was one of the rooms we needed to paint. So we decided to spend our weekend painting. It is so humid outside that there is no point in being outside anyway. We primed and painted two walls and parts of the ceiling. Have I told you that I absolutely hate popcorn ceilings? If you have to make a decision what ceiling to put in your new house, never go for popcorn ceiling. It is the worst to paint and it is really difficult to get it off once you decide that you don't like it any more... We still have some work to do, but we might not get to it today.
Hubby is going to play soccer and I have a surprise party to go to for the friend of ours that is expecting twins. It is not supposed to be a baby shower her husband said. Can you imagine that I am not really looking forward to it? She has been very insensitive before and during her pregnancy towards me. She is the one that asked me about three weeks after my second miscarriage (which she knew about): "So when are you getting ready to get pregnant again?" And that despite the fact that she had had a miscarriage before and knew how difficult it is. But I guess I need to go, so I have to get ready.
We also have a friend coming into town today and staying with us. Now that the guest bedroom is a current project, the only thing we can offer him is our living room couch or our floor (which is really comfortable). At least he will be a good excuse to leave the party...
Have a wonderful Sunday.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
A sad story on the way to work
When I just walked to the office from the metro, I noticed a young woman sitting on a street corner. She looked like she was homeless. I had already passed her when something urged me to go back. I went back and took a closer look. That look confirmed what I thought I had seen.
She was about 7 to 8 months pregnant. I watched like a stranger offered her a smoothie that she had bought for her. I turned around and went back towards my office, then I thought: Maybe she needs help. So I turned around again (people must have thought I am crazy going back and forth several times) and walked up to her. She was wearing a dirty red shirt with a hole in it and a dirty jeans. Her body looked very thin apart from the pregnancy. I told her that I had seen her sitting there at the corner and asked her whether she was o.k.. She looked at me with a smile that showed the only tooth she had left and said she was o.k.. It seemed to me like she was on drugs. When I continued to walk towards my office I had to keep back the tears that came running down my face. I was hurting so much for the unborn life she was carrying inside. What life will she offer to this child? A life on the street with drugs?
I wondered what I could do to help her and her baby. I asked myself whether I should have called help. But I didn't know whom and by the time the system works and sends someone she will probably be gone...
I pray that she will find a way to care and provide for this child. If she can't do it herself, I hope she will find good parents for this baby. Parents that have longed for so long to have a child and will be able to shower it with all the love they have to give.
She was about 7 to 8 months pregnant. I watched like a stranger offered her a smoothie that she had bought for her. I turned around and went back towards my office, then I thought: Maybe she needs help. So I turned around again (people must have thought I am crazy going back and forth several times) and walked up to her. She was wearing a dirty red shirt with a hole in it and a dirty jeans. Her body looked very thin apart from the pregnancy. I told her that I had seen her sitting there at the corner and asked her whether she was o.k.. She looked at me with a smile that showed the only tooth she had left and said she was o.k.. It seemed to me like she was on drugs. When I continued to walk towards my office I had to keep back the tears that came running down my face. I was hurting so much for the unborn life she was carrying inside. What life will she offer to this child? A life on the street with drugs?
I wondered what I could do to help her and her baby. I asked myself whether I should have called help. But I didn't know whom and by the time the system works and sends someone she will probably be gone...
I pray that she will find a way to care and provide for this child. If she can't do it herself, I hope she will find good parents for this baby. Parents that have longed for so long to have a child and will be able to shower it with all the love they have to give.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Or not completed...
The agency sent me a fax yesterday. To my work. Unfortunately they didn't call before so that I could stand next to the phone and get it. This way my colleague could look at the numbers and the costs of our adoption. I am very upset about this and sent them an email.
They also need our 2007 tax return. And they want us to sign the paperwork that we have already signed. AGAIN.
We still have not heard any update on the pregnancy.
They also need our 2007 tax return. And they want us to sign the paperwork that we have already signed. AGAIN.
We still have not heard any update on the pregnancy.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Homework for the agency completed!
Today I feel like a little girl who finally has completed her homework after a long day of studying and can go play in the yard. We had to read two books for the agency and answer some questions on the books. My hubby finished reading the second book last weekend and yesterday night we finally had time to do the homework. I had already started it and he added some thoughts. We ended up sending the homework via email to the agency.
Now all of our tasks for the agency are completed. We also asked them whether they could update us a little on the situation and the pregnancy. We don't know where to fly in two months and a week. Or maybe earlier? A friend of mine said recently that if a woman already had several kids, they baby might come earlier. We will see...
I hope we will get an update soon. I am longing for contact with the birthmom. I would like to know how she is doing and how she is feeling. I would like to know whether she could send us some ultrasound pictures of the baby. Maybe then it would finally sink in that this baby is coming like my husband always says. He is such an incredible optimist. But I have to respect that she doesn't want any contact right now. Maybe that is her way of coping.
Last week-end we cut of another link from our paper chain. Now there are only 10 weeks left until our baby is born. But it feels like an eternity.
My brother and his girl-friend flew back home yesterday. It was so nice to have them in town. They are great cooks and we got really spoiled. Poor hubby had two weeks off cooking, but tonight he has to get back to work. I might have written it in an earlier post. The past two and a half years I cooked most week-nights because hubby came home late from work. Because I am working now and going to school, he has taken over the kitchen. And I really love it. He is a great cook.
Now all of our tasks for the agency are completed. We also asked them whether they could update us a little on the situation and the pregnancy. We don't know where to fly in two months and a week. Or maybe earlier? A friend of mine said recently that if a woman already had several kids, they baby might come earlier. We will see...
I hope we will get an update soon. I am longing for contact with the birthmom. I would like to know how she is doing and how she is feeling. I would like to know whether she could send us some ultrasound pictures of the baby. Maybe then it would finally sink in that this baby is coming like my husband always says. He is such an incredible optimist. But I have to respect that she doesn't want any contact right now. Maybe that is her way of coping.
Last week-end we cut of another link from our paper chain. Now there are only 10 weeks left until our baby is born. But it feels like an eternity.
My brother and his girl-friend flew back home yesterday. It was so nice to have them in town. They are great cooks and we got really spoiled. Poor hubby had two weeks off cooking, but tonight he has to get back to work. I might have written it in an earlier post. The past two and a half years I cooked most week-nights because hubby came home late from work. Because I am working now and going to school, he has taken over the kitchen. And I really love it. He is a great cook.
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