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Kemarin aku bertemu dengan seseorang yang luar biasa.

Begini, aku memandang diriku sebagai seseorang yang positif. Secara alami, aku selalu berpikir positif. Kalau terjatuh, aku pikir untung lukaku tidak parah. Kalau kehilangan barang, aku pikir toh lain kali bisa beli lagi. Pernah sekali aku tertipu ratusan ribu rupiah oleh seorang ibu, dan aku berpikir biarlah, itu harga yang harus kubayar untuk belajar waspada.

Namun, kemarin aku bertemu dengan orang yang luar biasa. Pikiran positifnya layak untuk ditiru.

Anda tahu acara TV “Deal Or No Deal”? anda memilih sebuah koper, lalu memutuskan apakah Anda akan menerima tawaran dari banker, dengan mempertimbangkan kemungkinan isi koper yang masih belum terbuka. Nah, di TIMEZONE, hanya dengan Rp.7500,- , Anda dapat merasakan menjadi seorang kontestan. Namun tentu saja hasilnya tiket, bukan uang. Hasil minimum 1 tiket, dan terbanyak 100 tiket.

Saat aku lewat kemarin, tampak seorang pria sedang menjadi kontestan. Tampaknya semua koper sudah terbuka, kecuali yang berisi 1 tiket dan 5 tiket. Wah, apes nih dia, pikirku. Dia ngotot mempertahankan kopernya dan menolak tawaran banker yang hanya 2 tiket. Saat dia pencet ‘No Deal’, hasilnya koper dia hanya berisi 1 tiket. ‘Lain kali lebih beruntung!’ pikirku dalam hati.

Tapi dia dengan lantang berkata,”Wah, aku memang sangat beruntung dengan angka-angka kecil!”

Luar biasa, kan?

The air was hot. I had severe headache. I took a nap and yet it’s there. The hot air completed my agony. I had to get away. The car key was there. Sitting there waiting for me to grab it. The car silently offered the air con in my head. I just had to do it.

I’ve taken driving lessons like years ago. But have no chance to practice it yet. Yes I’ve drive around my house but there’s like no traffic there. I started the engine, drive around a few blocks and get back home. Cool, yes, but boring.

Back to the hot air in the house I found it impossible to bear. Once again I hopped into the car and started the engine. This time, I’m gone for real. I drive around the city until it’s almost dark. And my, I was so happy to find out that I can drive! I have to put it in caps. I CAN DRIVE. I can really drive. Somehow my brain searched for the lessons, the knowledge and ability about driving. Somehow I found it easy. I was relaxed. Neither fear nor worry came my way. I just drove and drove.

I grabbed the car keys and now I can drive. Without hesitation I just did it. There’s this thing I heard on Tony Robbins’s audiobook that’s called stretching. Unconsciously, I have done it. Just by believing that I can and by stretching my limits, I have made something I could only imagine into something real.

When I was walking at the beach these morning i had an idea that made me smirk. Believe it or not i thought being a catholic is like walking on the beach barefoot.
You see, we’re all born clean. Sinless as a baby. It’s how our feet were clean before we step on the beach.
Then we learned to lie. The sand started sticking to our feet. We learned to cheat, we embraced gluttony, we envy. And all sort of sins. More sand on our feet as we take more steps.
But, as Catholics we can make confessions to get absolutions. That is when the waves come and sweep our feet clean. We said forgive me father for I have sinned, I have non-marital sex. We were given absolution. But soon we would take more steps and our clean but now wet feet, get more sand on it. Oh yes, we’re human beings. We soon sin again.
Forgive me father for i have sinned, i slept with my friend’s wife.
But oh yes we get more absolution. And so on and so on. We sin, we confess. Dirty feet, cleaned by the waves. It comes and goes. When it comes, we we’re cleansed by confession. When it goes, we walk and get dirty. We sin. Again.
At the end we walked back to hotel, and take a bath. No more sand. No more sin.
That is when we take our last breath and end our journey on earth.

It’s Easter again. Time comes and goes. And i don’t have a clue, when was the last time i went to an Easter Mass. Although there’s a particular Easter’s Eve I remember. I didn’t quite remember when was it, but i was just a kid. My second elder sis took me to the midnite mass. I loved it. The choir sang beautiful songs. People dress up in their best clothes. And after the mass, my sister bought me Easters eggs. I don’t know why, but right there, in that moment, it’s the way I picture a perfect Easter. And all the trouble seems so far away. Of course i was still in my elementary school where i topped the class and my confident were larger than life.
And now back to reality. Here I am out of town, not even thinking the slightest about Easter (yet I’m writing about it). I’ve been thinking bout going back to church. A lot. I miss the song, I miss the choir, I miss waking up early in Sunday. And most of all, I miss something to believe in.
But in a week I know where I would be. No trip to church, and no prayers. Plans’ve been made. God loves me, I know it. I just can’t find a good reason why i should trust the church. Maybe I shouldn’t look for a reason, an answer, an explanation. Maybe I should just trust. Blindly trust. Like Eddie, Susannah and Jake should trust Roland, the gunslinger, their dinh. In a human they can trust. Why can’t I trust the church?

There are times when you have to take chances. Knowing is better than wondering. Coz even the biggest failure, even the worst and irretractable mistake, would beat the hell out of never trying.
(Grey’s Anatomy ep. 6)

When the phone rang last nite, i just know. He’s gone.
I can not comprehen the fact that he’s dead when we want to help him so much that we put him in pet hospital. He died the first nite.

Before, he was a fat sweet dog that barks all the time. He ate a lot (nearly everything). He needed affection all the time. He was a happy dog.

But these last months, his kidney and liver were failing, he had heart disease, he’s nearly blind, and had trouble even to stand up.

I can not face it. I saw him lost all the fat and flesh. I saw him bleeding. I saw him fall on his own poop. I saw his sad eyes.

ALL FROM A DISTANCE.
I dare not touch him becoz he used to be so fat, and now there’s only bones under the skin. I dare not. I was a chicken. I was such a wuss!

Hoping that he will be healthy again was stupid. But denying the fact that he was on his way leaving us was idiotic.

And Now he’s gone.
Bye bye Nicky! I didnt do anything to be with you when you needed love, becoz i was to darn scared. Please forgive me, and rest in peace!

I have no idea why i feel like exploding.
Small things
Imperfections
Flaws
bring unpleasantness that drive me crazy
anger that’s eating me
i don’t know why

i just know that
i need anger management.

Kadang kita merasa kita mengenal seseorang begitu dekat, tapi tetap saja ada yang tidak dapat kita pahami. Mengapa seseorang memikirkan hal A dan bukan B atau C. Mengapa seseorang menyimpulkan A dan bukan B atau C. Mengapa seseorang memilih tindakan A dan bukan B atau C.

Sesungguhnya seperti tidak ada seorangpun yang mampu menghitung jumlah rambut di kepalaku, selalu ada yang terlewatkan. Tidak ada yang mampu memprediksikan sesuatu 100% benar. Seperti kadang analis saham juga meleset saat index tersungkur. Seperti juara wimbledon yang tetap bisa gagal serve. Seperti penyanyi melupakan lirik lagu ciptaannya sendiri.

Kadang aku salah.
Aku tak kan pernah bisa terus benar membaca.