Breathe

i'm glad to say that i've made peace with the fact that my poodle is no longer here. i cried like mad when i arrived home on friday upon seeing her little grave in the garden... but i woke up after a long nap on that day itself and felt so much better. besides, i enjoyed compiling all the photos i have of her since she was little. she is in heaven now. why grieve for that? :)

holidays! although just a week, but better than no holidays at all. i know shit about MSK, seriously. started the semester fairly well, consistently studying for... 3 days in a row. and that was it.

terrible.

no time no time no time! 3 more months! 9 systems! health issues! osce! how to juggle how to juggle?

God i need You! let me draw strength from You to finish this race (or half of it, to be exact - since we're only halfway through med school. ohmygoodness can you believe it. only halfway. i've got friends graduating at the end of the year for crying out loud.).

Dear Co,

how am i going to go home with one less being there to greet me? because i honestly don't remember the last time i went back home and you weren't there.

how am i going to watch TV when you're not right next to me on the couch, or anywhere in the TV room for that matter?

how am i going to use the home computer without having to carry you upstairs so that you could be next to me?

what am i going to do with the purple rug in my bedroom which you love so much?

how can i go into my room without anticipating you to bang on my door with all your strength just so i would let you in?

who's going to accompany me late at night when i cannot sleep?

who's going to lie at my feet and enjoy my music while i play the piano?

how am i going to look at your food bowl, knowing that you won't be eating from it again?

who's going to follow me around everywhere i go?

who do i hug when i'm down?

who's going to wait for me patiently at the front door whenever i go out?

and Co, how am i going to handle pulling into the driveway this friday, only to see the patch in the garden in which you are buried deep under, knowing that your tiny body is slowly rotting and degrading into the soil? how am i going to handle that, Co?

i don't want to go home. i was so excited last week but everything has changed now. the past few days have been nothing but gloomy. i'm sure many people think i'm crazy for being so devastated over a pet dog; but what do they know about the bond we had between us. 14 years. that's freaking long, Co. you are part of the family. i know the bible doesn't say anything about pet animals going to heaven, but it does tell us that there are animals in heaven... so i'd like to believe that i'll see you soon. nobody shall take that away from me.

i don't want to go home... but it'll be so unfair to mum, dad and Kiki as they are grieving too.

take care, Coco. i'm sure you're in a much happier place right now. we all love you!

Missing you with all my heart,

Swee Leen.

The Epitome of A Best Friend

my poodle Coco came into the world in march 1994. i was only 7 then. yet i remember she was this light-brown little furball when i first caught sight of her. her fur was so soft and cottony. her tail was round like that of a bunny and it was always wagging. Coco became my best friend. she would stick to me like glue. for all 14 years of her life, her biological clock had always been accurate, it's SCARY. no matter what she would be doing (sleeping, eating, roaming around...), she would dash to the front door to wait for me to come back from school when it was time. she would also wait for my mum to come back from work every single day (during lunchtime and in the evenings). that's how loyal she was.

it was amazing how she could sense when i was down. she'd lick my leg, lie at my feet or jump onto the couch to sit right next to me. not only was she good natured towards us humans, she was also a wonderful friend to our miniature pinscher, Kiki. it was really funny how she allowed that little devil to sit on her head (literally) or snatch her food away. usually after Kiki takes a bath, my mum would wrap her in a towel and put her under the sun (because she'd constantly be shivering), and Coco would just lie next to her as though to accompany her!

when i left for college, Coco would sleep in front of my room door wondering when i would be back. the minute i arrived home she'd be jumping for joy and would start following me around. she was able to sense when it was time for me to go back to KL. when she saw my luggages, she would depressingly hide under the table. "wait for me to come back soon, k, Co?" i'd always tell her before i hopped into the car. and the same events would take place over and over again each time i came back.

over the last 2 years Coco aged so quickly she became blind and almost deaf. she slept most of the time but tried her best to accompany me whenever i was home. unfortunately, one of the things i feared most happened. today, i received a call from my mother saying Coco passed away on thursday of heart failure. they had trouble deciding on how to break the news to me. my dad buried her in my garden and made a wooden signage to commemorate our faithful little friend of 14 years. i am crying my eyes out and i feel like crap. i just never expected to see the last of her the last time i was back home before semester 5 started. she had always been healthy. old, yes, but it didn't seem as though she was going to leave so soon. and i was looking so forward to going home during the raya break next friday. i guess she just couldn't wait another week.

nevertheless i am glad i spent my 3 weeks back home with her. in fact, the night before i left, i decided to hug her so tightly and for a good ten minutes instead of just petting her on her head or scratching her belly or just carrying her like i always did. it was as though that happened for a reason.

Coco, thank you for always being there for me and for looking out for me. i'm grateful to be able to have you as my pet and best friend, and that you had a wholesome 14 years of your life with people who loved you and treated you so well. another consolation is that i'm very sure you're in some place happier now, with the One who loves you more! i dont care what people say - that animals don't have souls. because if you don't have a soul then i don't see how humans can have souls! so i'm expecting to see you up there when my time comes. love you Coco. i miss you.

Coco, my beloved toy poodle.

March 1994 - 18 Sept 2008.

p/s: Coco's most favourite food in the world was CHEESE. lol. she'd go nuts whenever i took cheese out of the fridge (for myself). very cute.

Library Woes & Goodies From Home

i have a newfound love in the form of netter's orthopaedics. it comes in handy for everything in the musculoskeletal course. the drawings are so cute and some of them are hilarious (like the skeleton of a newborn. it's funny somehow). i want to be like frank netter. if only i could draw anything other than a stick figure. i am angry now because when i was about to renew my book online a few minutes ago somebody else had already placed a request for it so i have to send it back to the library. bloody. i don't like you whoever who is robbing me of my book. i have a $3.00 library fine but i don't know what the fine is for. i get really nervous if i don't return my books on time so it's unlikely it's for an overdue book. whatever it is I AM NOT PAYING. i think my parents have already drained out enough money for imu and i'm not going to let them (imu) have the pleasure of extorting an extra $3.00 on top of my ridiculously exorbitant tuition fees.

my parents came on sunday and brought with them food for me to last the week. among them: chicken casserole topped with roasted potatoes and lots of cheese, chicken soup with a whole chicken, si yau kai (chicken in LITRES soy sauce, literally) which is yummy but terrible for the kidneys and nigella lawson's sticky ribs! my mum also baked my favourite in the world lemon poppyseed cupcakes. upon handing over the box to me she said, "NAH. lemon poppyseed cupcakes. i'm pretty sure i forgot to add an ingredient but i just cant recall what it is." so i took a bite and realized that the lemon poppyseed cupcakes... had no poppyseed.

haiyoyo.

what is lemon poppyseed cupcakes without poppyseed you tell me?

nonetheless i still love them lemon cupcakes. i'm just thankful that she had forgotten the poppyseed and not the lemon. can you imagine if they were plain poppyseed cupcakes. how disgusting would those be. she brought 20 and now there are only 4 left. and tr only ate 2 out of the 16. which means i ate a total of 14 in two days. and we bought ben an ice-cream maker for his birthday (happy belated birthday ben!) so i'm expecting to pack on a few more pounds with ice-cream this weekend. hear that ben??? ice-cream ice-cream!!! sigh. how not to get fat like that?

did you realize it's the 16th of september? it's scary. but i don't think anything will change just yet.

I read today's newspaper headline in utter disgust. Another innocent Malaysian is victimized by the draconian laws of the ISA. And for what? For doing her job as a journalist. For reporting actual details of a situation. For letting the truth out for all to know.

Ahmad Ismail's actions can never be justified. Every other day we boast to the world about "how racially harmonious and peaceful" our country is. "COME VISIT MALAYSIA!" we shout out loud. "A MELTING POT OF CULTURES WHERE ITS PEOPLE HOLD HANDS AND DANCE AROUND SINGING 'IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL'!"

Yet someone who made a racist remark like that could be let off so simply. What disturbs and sickens me is that by refusing to admit and apologize for his mistake, the very remark he made is actually what he believes in (who knows, his sentiments may possibly be echoed by many others as well) - that "Chinese are squatters and that as they are only immigrants it is impossible for them to achieve equal rights among races". Okay, so he has been suspended (not sacked) from UMNO for 3 years. What's the big deal. He can still go on with life as usual and is still allowed to roam the streets with all the money in the world to splash.

I am glad the MCA has expressed their shock over the arrest of Tan Hoon Cheng and not Ahmad Ismail (probably one of their few good deeds in many years), though expressing is one thing and doing something about it is another.

We are already in the 21st century. For decades we have lived together on the same land, breathing the same air. We go to the same schools and shopping malls. We work together. We stay in the same neighourhoods. Racism should never in a million years be tolerated. I am not angry because I am a Chinese and Ahmad Ismail has offended my race. If a Chinese were to degrade a Malay or an Indian it should not be taken lightly as well (though, trust me, if such a thing were to happen even our great-grandchildren will not hear the end of it.). I have Malay and Indian friends whom I like and care for, and I wouldn't be able to bear if such insults were to be thrown at them.

Sometimes I laugh at myself for having the desire to come back to Malaysia in the future. Many people would advise against that. I don't blame them. I wouldn't want my children to grow up to be idiots like more than half the population. I wouldn't want them to have a run-in with the law for something they didn't do. I wouldn't want them to be wrongfully detained under the ISA for having an opinion or for telling the truth. But this is my country and my heart is here, yet so many times I think the idea of coming home is undoubtedly absurd. How?

I feel so caged up. Even by writing this entry I have to be cautious with my choice of words and think twice before clicking on the "PUBLISH" button, because I'll never know who would stumble upon this and have ME arrested the very next hour. After all, the authorities are capable of such an inhumane act as we have seen time and time again. Freedom of words. Total BULL.

It is hard to say I love my country at the moment. There was a glimmer of hope after the March elections... but I am doubting everything right now. Whatever hope I had is dangling on a string. All I'm thankful for is that we are given the right to practice our own religion without being persecuted. But that is all. I don't know what else this country has given me or done for me.

How sad is that?

We're going backwards. Backwards backwards backwards. Soon we will see countries currently worse off, surpass us in every aspect. And then what else is there for us to boast about, huh?

BOILING POINT

The Nutcracker ballet at KLPAC last night was ULTIMATELY EXTREMELY ABSOLUTELY ABYSMAL I was on the verge of setting the whole place on fire. I don't even know where to start complaining. Oh I know, how about the fact that instead of using the original Tchaikovsky score they mixed their own awful songs to blast into our ears?! Seriously, I was gritting all 28 of my teeth (i have no mandibular third molars aka wisdom teeth - should i be concerned, by the way?) thanks to the sheer volume of the music GOODNESS ME it was so bad I almost went deaf. Then the ballet itself was SO BELOW PAR it was horrifying. OK la to be fair the principal dancer who played Clara was pretty good but that was it. I am not a ballerina or an expert in the art but since I am neither blind nor stupid, I know when pirouettes aren't done nicely or when the dancer doesn't completely execute her splits. Oh then what about the dances which the kids were involved in? Don't get me wrong, the kids were cute blablabla, but OHMYGOODNESS their dances were terrible. They just kept going in rounds and jumping up and down over and over again that I'd rather go watch a Malay concert I KID YOU NOT. I mean it would've been fine if they had stuck to the original Nutcracker suite which we were all looking forward to, because then we could just ignore the ballet and sit back to enjoy the music. BUT NO! They only used about 2 or 3 songs from the suite! FRUSTRATINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

WAIT WAIT WAIT BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN COME TO THE WORST PART YET.

THE WORST PART WAS..........................

.......................... THAT WE FREAKING PAID RM60 FOR THE SHOW.

@#(*F)!@*(*$)%*(*/)^*(U)*)#$*!((\)#&$&()*C#$**(*($*K)!@

*takes deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath*

Do you know how much we could've done with that RM60?! Seriously lor you ask me to go for free also I wouldn't want to go. It was even worse when Tracy said she watched the actual Russian ballet's version of The Nutcracker for RM10. :-/

Bloody shit.

I HATE LAH HATE HATE HATE. They effectively ruined my favourite ballet. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

Au Revoir

Wow I can't believe Semester 5 commences tomorrow. I'm not going to be nostalgic and reminisce about how it was exactly 2 years ago that I stepped into IMU and how I went through orientation and blabla but damn, time really flew past just like that didn't it! Now we're into our final semester before we set foot into clinical school. It's scary, but there's this sudden excitement within me to get this started so I can get out of here in no time. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed (almost) every single moment in IMU, made wonderful friends (who I will miss like crazy once we're done), did fun things... but somehow I feel there's really nothing left for me here anymore. Just give it one BIG final push and I'm OFF.

Still... just thinking about the workload and schedules for the semester already sends shivers down my spine. =( For those who have yet to get worked up... let me scare you a bit la k. Hehe yes I am that evil.

• 8AM/4PM lectures, with CSU, PBL, MMS etc in between. 8AM! What is this!
• Revise CVS, Respi, Haemato, GI, Endocrine, Repro, Renal ON TOP OF learning new systems like MSK, CNS and Health Issues!
• Mock OSCE some time during CNS =P
• That IMS shit? But should we be alarmed? Don't care la...
• Partner Medical School matching! OMG I can't believe it's soon.
• NO CHRISTMAS.
• NO NEW YEAR'S.
• .......... EoS 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• .......... results?

- the end -

*heaves BIGGGGGGGGGGGGGG sigh*

OK la whatever. Bring it on. I'm ready. I think.

Anyway. On a happier note, I'm glad IMU was gracious enough to plan our Sem 4 holidays at this time of the year. Besides getting to watch the Olympics I was also able to meet up with some friends before they left to further their studies.

This is Jacqueline. We've known each other since we were in our respective mothers' wombs... so I can actually deduce that she is my longest friend? Hahaha. She is a prima ballerina with brains! She left for her beloved New York last week to attend Columbia University (Ivy League yo). I so proud got friend in Columbia. Hopefully I'll get to visit coz New York is one of the places I MUST GO BEFORE I DIE and I don't know when I will die so I have to go visit like real soon...

This is Sharmaine. She is also a long-time friend coz she used to be my neighbour. We used to cycle here cycle there... used to hang out at our 2nd home i.e. Ipoh Swimming Club almost every day of the week... swam together, learnt badminton together, learnt all sorts of other stuff together and QUIT HALFWAY together. Heeeh. We're quitters and proud of it. See at least we know a little of everything. She's a semester ahead of me in IMU... so she has finished Sem 5 and has just left the University of Liverpool... which... I think... I'd be happy if I were to be matched there. *PRAYS*

This is CHONG JIANG MUN. She is weird, funny, foul, rude, loud, disgusting, salivates like a beagle AND NOT REALIZE IT... but... she is still one of my bestest friends EVER. This girl may seem retarded but I'm proud to say she is one of the top students in her batch for law! Tsktsk*cough*stupidgeek. She will leave for the University of Reading real soon and I am going to miss her like how I miss my Ipoh hakka mee under the tree. The only difference is that I won't be seeing her for more than a year whereas I get to eat my hakka mee in one month's time during Raya break! SIGH. Jiang Mun you jaga diri ah... don't kena cheated again (you know what I mean. hint: water. 2nd hint: filter.). Love!