These past 3 weeks have been pretty crazy. Physically tiring, mentally exhausting, emotionally draining. I never thought that we would be re-living our past pregnancy worries over again for the second time.
When we went up to Calgary on the 17th for our first ultra sound we had no worries. We were excited and ready to see this little baby for the first time. I couldn't wait to find out the gender of the baby, and it felt so good to be going to Calgary with no concerns this time. No fears of the future. Like we had each and every ultra sound with Champ. Unfortunately, the excitement and calmness didn't last long as we discovered that our baby is in big trouble. I am 20 weeks and 2 days, and I'm measuring about 15 weeks or so. We thought that perhaps the due date could be off, but they found a lot of problems that would indicate otherwise. Our little baby is not growing. I have little to no amniotic fluid, and that's the main problem. At this point they cannot pin point why it's not growing. It can be 1 of 2 things. 1 it has a genetic abnormality, or 2 the lack of amniotic fluid is hindering it's growth. Either one is bad, Either one can't be fixed. They basically told us that at this point I have a high risk of a still born baby, and if it does survive that it will be severely handicapped in some way.
The room was spinning, just like before...all the feelings that we had the first time around came spilling out from every part of me. I felt, smelled, tasted the exact emotions that came the day they told us our little baby boy had no brain.
I don't know exactly what we are to learn from all this. I look back through what we went through the first time, and I do know that my testimony has grown immensely. I know that faith does proceed miracles, and that we witnessed a modern day miracle that I will be forever grateful for. A miracle that I kiss and squeeze everyday, realizing that I am so lucky to have. He has made this journey a little easier to bare, and I am so thankful for that. I am also especially grateful for a husband who shows so much strength always. He is my rock. And I have felt many times that we can get through anything together.
So far now it's a waiting game. We will wait, pray hold on to each other for strength and know that we will be taken care of, whatever the out come.
A hymn has been in my thoughts over and over this past week.
"I will not doubt, I will not fear; God's love and strength are always near. His promised gifts help me to find an inner strength and peace of mind. I give the Father willingly My trust, my prayers, humility. His spirit guides; his love assures That fear departs when faith endures."
That truly is my testimony.
Thank you, thank you, to everyone who has been so full of love and support to us. Our friends and family are the best. And we are so blessed to know you all.
With Love, Alisha
