Here and There

I'm back in my house, back to my life. But I still don't feel all the way here.

But I actually think I am living more in the present than before we left. I have not come back to the same place I was before.

I haven't exactly sorted it all out yet, so it is difficult to put into words. Well, maybe writing here, now, will solidify my diaphanous thoughts. I also haven't had much time.

We arrived Friday evening, and I worked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday at my part time job. I didn't feel great Monday after dinner, and woke at 1 am to toss my cookies - yep, projectile. I was fine Tuesday morning , so went to work. Well, 12 hours after my first round, round two started. (Can't say I have ever heard of a stomach flu that gives you a 12-hr reprieve in the middle!) I swear, I traveled to the hinterlands of Mexico, eating and drinking whatever was presented to me, and I am fine. I spend four days at an Americanized resort at the end of our trip....

Anyway,

--Oh, sorry Triple S just interrputed me - LOBSTER!!!!

Anyway, today is the first break I have had, beyond trying to keep up with daily life. Well, kinda keep up. The house is a post-vacation disaster. I was going to edit a job that came in while I was away, but instead I managed to spend the morning reading - Mistborn 2 - The Well of Ascension! I've been reading a bit on the blogs (Is anyone else's Google Reader not marking things as read after your read them? - I go on vacay and my Google Reader breaks?) Anyway, I just don't really know how I feel. I don't have words to offer to your posts. 2008 is coming to a close. I can state fact, but no words come in elaboration.

***

The trip to Mexico was beyond wonderful. I found peace. I found reality. Perhaps the easiest way to put it - I have completely accepted that Serenity is not with us. There is less of that "I wish she were here.../ I wish she hadn't died..." internal dialogue. I had accepted it logically before, but now I have taken a distinct step. I feel as if a large portion of the weight has been lifted. I feel like I fell in love with Triple S all over again (I seem to be doing that a lot lately).

I am only cautiously optimistic. February is but around the corner.

***

Looks like Triple S is planning a scrumptious New Year's Eve dinner. I guess this year will go out in style - so I also guess that means I should go clean the house. Well, at least the dining room.

I wish all of you the best for 2009: peace in your heart, hope in your soul, joy in your smile, acceptance in all of your being, and babes in your womb and arms.

Mexican Sand

***

I'm here, reading. Not commenting too much, but reading.

Ya Llegue

We are back.

We knew we were on American soil the instant the airport officers started herding us through customs (really, do you need so much shouting?) and we were strip searched. Well, we had to take off our shoes.

Mexico was relaxing. I think we both found some peace in our escape.

We arrived last night at 8, and I worked today. Good to just keep moving.

What did I not miss? Blogger word verification! I completely forgot how to do it when leaving a comment.

Christmas in Mexico is completely recommended. It's not so over-done there as it is here. Plus it's 80 degrees.

Yes, we took lots of pics. Yes, you can see them. Sometime. I only have two memory cards to download and go through...

Louis Armstrong

Played at Serenity's Memorial Service

Bridge over Troubled Waters

cliche? perhaps. But here you have it, from me to you.



I don't know why Paul Simon gets credit on that performance.


While I am off in foreign lands trying to avoid the holiday, I wish for you all peace, strength, hope, love, and yes, joy.

Just like no bridge is made with a single beam of steel or just one cable, our bridge is made of many. The total strength is more than the sum of each us, and together we can hold each other up.

(Mr Spit could likely explain this much better than I can.)

I'll be back soon, and in the spirit of avoiding the holiday, I won't go back and read the posts I've missed, but I will read the comments on my blog, if any. Vacation shouldn't cause me the stress of catching up in Google Reader!

IZ

Peace be with you all today and tomorrow.

John Denver

We played this song at the Memorial Service for Serenity in April 2008.

I'd say that I don't know what love is, but you know it when you feel it.

And you really know it when you've lost the one you love. And you know that you still have the love within you, mixed up like the shoreline as the tide comes in, with pain and grief and sadness. And you are tossed in those waves, unable to tell which way is up or if you are being carried to the safety of the shore or if you are being swept out into the open, deep ocean.

The Righteous Brothers

Played at Serenity's Memorial Service. So Melancholy.

REM

I've always loved that song, but I forgot how clever the video was, with the subtexts.


Hold on gals, hold on.

Diana Ross

This song was played at the start of the Memorial Service, (as a suggestion to our friends, perhaps?)

Eric Clapton

This song was played at the Memorial Service for Serenity.

Imagine

Sometimes, life should just be easier. If people were considerate, just, less greedy. Yeah, I guess I am an idealist. Look where it got me. Look where it got John Lennon.

So long

I am about to head off for our trip, in a few days, but I am booked solid until then, and need to squeeze in last minute packing and such.

I hope to find sun, warmth, and relaxation in Mexico.

I told my doctor today that we'll probably end up with the same amount of misery, just in a new locale.

I went in for a last-minute back adjustment. About 81% of my vertebrate were locked up. Guess I wasn't crazy about the pain I was in.

I also told my doctor I have a (medical/weight loss/ rid myself of backpain/get pregnant/have a live baby) plan. That starts in January. "Because I can't wait for 2008 to be over." Cue tears. Gad, I hate crying at the doctor's office. It just seems so unprofessional. I am supposed to go to the therapist if I need a good cry. And then I wanted to tell her, 'no, no, I really am doing better. This is the first time I've cried in weeks.' Well, ok, maybe a week.

I do not like sitting in the exam room, waiting. I think it builds a certain amount of anxiety that just puts me over the edge. Not helped by the NEW nurse (where was my Judy!?!?!), who asked me what I was doing for Christmas. "Going to Mexico."

"Oh, how cool, I am so jealous blah de blah." She should have asked me BEFORE taking my BP and pulse. Really, are you really jealous of my two dead babies? My chronic pain? Unexplained dizziness and blood results? Really? Because these are the things that I am attempting to escape, the reasons I am going to Mexico and not staying at home with Serenity, celebrating under a Christmas tree. Really? Cue string of curse words in my head.

So anyway, the whole point of this post (see that one sentence, way up at the top?) is to say that this will probably be the last one before I leave the soil of the good ol' US of A. Well, maybe I can't say 'good' until 01/29/09. Anyway.

I have pre-programmed some posts, so that no one misses me too much (snark snark). Don't feel obligated to spend time on them, because I know you will all be overwhelmed with the craziness that we call 'the holiday season'. Add to that the caraziness of 'deadbabyland'. The posts are purely for you guys, my gifts for the 15 days of vacation. Although, you aren't actually getting that many presents.

Hasta luego

This time last year 3

Yes, we are quirky like that.

Firefox address bar

I start typing in 'www'. Guess what the first page to pop up is and autofill the address bar? Ya know, the site that you visit most?

Google reader.

Yep. That is apparently where I spend my time. On my 'work' computer. With you gals.

And you would think that by now I could spell greif. Nope, have to rely on spellchecker most every time. Grief.

The nurse in the family

My mom is a nurse. Has been for 40 years. For the last 16 or 20, she has specialized in home health care, and for the last 15 her clients have all been children born with some malfunction - on trachs (hole in the throat for an air machine) or tubal feedings. Ya know, good stuff.

Her cases change often, as the kids get better (or as her clients die). She works nights - it suits her insomnia. It's a pretty slow pace, considering she only has one patient and they are asleep, although she does need to turn them, check their machines and levels, etc.

She is getting ready to change cases. She usually tells me about these kids that spend months in the hospital. Lately, I just don't want to hear it.

"Yeah, this little girl is lucky, she almost died. Now she needs all this care" yadda yadda. She tells me this the same as she always has, never thinking about how my situtation has changed.

Today, she is telling me how she is between cases, set to start a new one next week, and how she doesn't have any money since she didn't work last week (Oh WAH!) I tell her maybe she can pick up extra hours if she works on a holiday, with double pay.

"Well, I don't want to work New Year's, but I'll work Christmas, it's not like I have any grandkid to spend Christmas with. Oh, did I tell you about your cousins that came to visit..."

That quick little change in topic is her realizing that she is a total ass.

And she wonders why we don't get along...

mexico, Mexico, MEXICO!

Dedicated to all my dbm friends

"keep on moving it on"

At times, it subsides

Instead of always dumping only the rotten here, I thought I 'd write about the even days. Today, yesterday, most of the last several days, have been even days. Not too sad, not too discontent. Missing little things like always, but it's not interrupting the day-to-day functions.

I have been having problems with my feet (usually one foot at a time) and today went for a follow-up with my podiatrist (who happens to be a friend of mine, well, actually she's my podiatrist because she is a friend of mine, otherwise I would have found a podiatrist closer than 30 min away- anyway).

So this hyper flexi-mobility issue is rather all-encompassing. My feet hurt because the joints (specifically the cuboid) all move around too much. Now I have all kinds of stuff shoved in my shoes to support my feet. But my feet feel much happier. To that end, I tested them out with a long walk around the park with the mutt.

As I was walking around the park, I wondered what the heck all the other people were doing at the park in the middle of the day, without kids. I used to always wonder this about people before I worked at home. Well, 'worked', because obviously today I was driving to another county to see the podiatrist and walking my dog for another hour. Anyway, maybe some of them work at restaurants. Now, maybe some of them have lost their jobs.

Then there is me. Walking the dog. Missing the stroller. Well, the baby that should be in the stroller.

Anyway, I have always had this hyper flexi-mobility shit. So, yes, sometimes when I ran track, or after turning an ankle, a foot would hurt. Why are they hurting so much now that I can't even take walks? I think this constant additional pain may be due to the weight I have gained. Sigh. I need to exercise more. Well, exercising should be easier if the feet are under control and the back continues to do better. I guess with these flexible joints I need to build the muscle. I just don't care for going to the gym. Guess I should come January. I need to lose some weight before embarking on another round of reproductive adventures.

See, this is better moods, right? You can tell when my mood is even beacuse I am more sarchastic and rather tangential.

At the bookstore

we purchased materials for a bit of light reading come January:





And because I am feeling positive, something for, say, March:


(Well, that one book does say 90 days...)

The day after

As I stirred from my sleep, I was in the middle of a wonderful, adventure-filled dream.

I awoke to return to my normal nightmare.

**love you Serenity**

**

End of the day

I cooked the lasagna and chocolate mayonnaise cake. Triple S cleaned up - that is a real present as I am a messy cook.

Caught some of the Operation Smile special on NBC. Very sad.

I think I was ok today. Mostly chilled. I didn't want to hear about family. My MIL recognized that this might be a hard day for me. I got lot of chocolate as presents- maybe that is how some recognize that I might be have an emotional difficulty. The cards from my Mom & Dad and sis were sweet. Butterflies and posies.

It was better than I could have hoped. Of course, I still have 2 hrs and 17 min to get through.

November 28th

Today is my birthday. I am 33 years old. Perhaps birthdays are really celebrated for the mother. Thirty-three years ago, at 1:29 PM, my mother was successful. I was born after about 36 hours of turkey-induced labor, by c-section. My mom had attempted to impress her in-laws with Thanksgiving at her house.

Triple S gave me a thoughtful and truly suitable card. I have one to open from my grandmother yet. Wishes began to arrive yesterday via email and FaceBook. I can't imagine anything truly wonderful happening today, but maybe the next two years will hold better fortunes for me and my family.

This year, I don't want to hear a slightly off-tune rendition of a certain song that is always sung slightly off-tune. I don't want to be told to have a happy birthday.

Triple S is preparing some congee for breakfast, then I plan to go to an office store to buy myself an all-in-one printer, fax, home office companion. Too much excitement, to be sure.

I am 33 years old. I thought that I had gotten pregnant at a young enough age to make it without worries, just 31. Here I am, two birthdays later, far from where I started but perhaps even farther from my goal.
.

To Give Thanks

Today is what is normally my favorite holiday. I love all the food (the family recipes only, mind you) the time with family, the casual ease of the long weekend.

This year, I cleaned the shelf around Serenity's spot, gardened a bit, and took a nap. I did not want to have a taste of my favorite foods, which I normally eat once per year, in my mouth. I didn't want to celebrate.

But I am grateful for many things:

Triple S, my dear hubby, best friend, companion, confidant. The guy who understands me, and whom I (mostly) understand. He understands why I don't want to celebrate my favorite holiday in the normal manner. We've made a nice life together: we've got a house, a dog, a cat, two cars, and high speed internet. All good.

A couple of my doctors. I figure I better be grateful now, and maybe things will work out next time with the dream team helping us out.

You, the folks on the other side of my blog. This place helps me stay sane and get it all out. Reading your words, whether comments or on your blog, helps keep me balanced. The blogs have lit the path and revealed from the get go that this journey is neither straight nor narrow, but convoluted and at times repetitive. I only hope that I have helped half as much as I have been helped.

Today, I was trying to think that I should be grateful about Serenity. I don't think I am totally there yet. I am glad I had her in my life, and that I enjoyed our time together. I am glad to have felt her move in my belly, and to see Triple S so happy. To me, though, I don't think grateful is really the word, and certainly does not suit the situation as a whole. I love and miss her more than I can bear. I feel privileged to know such love and robbed to have lost her.

Avoiding Miscarriage Book

Dear internets-

Can anyone recommend a book on:

1. Tracking cycles (my cycle is perhaps too long)
2. Preventing miscarriage

that you read and thought was informative?

I can search amazon but can't decide...

I am tired of looking up websites.




thanks

Not a good idea

It was not a good idea to skip going to the grocery store Tuesday and to instead go this afternoon right before my evening class. I am teaching microbiology and wanted to show the students examples of some foods that contain microorganisms (think yogurt, blue cheese, kombucha). Not a good idea.

It was not a good idea to have to go to the local whole foods store that is in the middle of the metro area at the intersection of two of the busiest local highways when half of the largest highway is closed. The DOTs sign proudly proclaims that there are only "13 months and 4 days" left until construction is over. Not a good idea for them to have that sign up.

It was not a good idea to be thinking about your dead baby, the one who should be smiling at you in the rear view mirror, when you are stuck in the nightmare traffic on the day before a holiday you are trying to ignore. Not a good idea.

It was not a good idea to change from your normal 'classic rock' station during a commercial to the "best mix of the classics and the latest from today" when you are sitting in traffic and can actually listen to the lyrics.

And the song "With Arms Wide Open" comes on, and although you have heard it before on those few occassions when you aren't listening to the 'classics', but now that you are bored sitting in this god awful traffic it is definetly not a good idea to pay attention to these lyrics and to realize that it is about a rocker finding out he is about to become a father, that he 'created life' and all the wonderful things he wants to teach his kid. Not a good idea.

It is not a good idea to start crying while you are trying to drive in bumper to bumper highway traffic with a bunch of out of town drives that don't know what freakin lane they needed to get into about 2 miles back so that you can go to the grocery store just before going to stand up in front and teach a bunch of college students.

Not a good idea.

The electorate

The soccer mom
The security mom
The hockey mom

The stay-at-home mom
The MILF
The WAHM

The deadbabymom
The stay-at-home deadbabymom.

It's a select few, but perhaps we should be wooed as voters.
Or perhaps not. No politician would be able to say anything to please us.

End of yet another chapter

Serenity has been gone longer than she was with us.

Eight weeks after the D&C, I finally had a visit from AF.

Almost 9 weeks after the D&C we received the genetic results. Macadamia was a chromosomally normal little girl. (How do I know that they didn’t just get me?)

The nurse recommended high Folic acid (Folgard), baby aspirin, and prenatals for the next go-around.

Do we risk it and not go for the heparin? I was able to keep a pregnancy before (Serenity). I think that maybe the problem for Macadamia was that it was just too soon after a full term pregnancy. Maybe my body will get it right after a few more cycles. I still want to wait and let my body recoup. I think I have only had 3 cycles in the last 18 months.

Has anyone tried or heard of FolaPro? Instead of taking high folic acid, this is the metabolizable form (5-methyl tetrahydrofolate) that one can use directly if they are MTHFR mutant.

This time last year 2

I must have been working out in the yard. That's our little dogwood tree in the back. I guess this is around six months. The leaves are mostly gone now, this year.

.::.

I woke up with a sore throat this morning. Ugh.

Back in the day

Back in the day, I was a hot, totally-career-oriented, never-gonna-get-married chica at 19...now I don't know what I am...an overweight stay-at-home housewife with no kids approaching 33?

I'd tell the old (young) me to live life more slowly and enjoy it, don't rush to get to the future, because the future is not ensured; and I'd also tell her that if she wants to have kids to decide so earlier, because delivering a live baby after 39 weeks of growing is not ensured either.

On death and love

I have learned that deadbabymamas have uncut hair and unclean teeth (the comments are great). No wonder no one wants to be around us! Here, I thought it was the awkward conversations and raw emotions.

***
We watched the movie 'Atonement' last night. Our neighbors know that we have been trying to watch 'happy' movies lately, so when they saw me this morning and I told them, they were like "that movie is brutal". (Spoiler alert) Well, I actually didn't think it was THAT sad. At least both of them got to die. No one had to be the one left to live. (well, except the sister).

***
It's pretty bad when your perspective is that a movie about betrayal, war, death, and guilt is not really heart wrenching.

***
Lately Triple S and I have really only wanted to be with each other. In some ways, I feel like we have fallen in love again, and are experiencing that 'honeymoon' period; where nothing is as important as the other and other people are only intrusions on your emotions. I guess we have fallen further.

Of course, this is not a romantic time, but it is deeply emotional. I have come to appreciate Triple S in new ways. We have each been patient with the other, like nothing I would have ever imagined.

We made brunch and baked an apple pie this morning, and I was just happy to be with him. Together, doing mundane tasks, peeling apples to peel apples.

We need some 'together time' to clean the house. Too bad he is at futbol, I don't think I can clean the house by myself ;)

(Te lele, babe)

Lately 2

I'm sad.
I'm bored.
I'm unmotivated.
I'm not interested in killing time.
I'm hungry.
I'm lazy.
I think I might be broken.

Grief. The gift that keeps on giving.

The last act

I finally went to my old hairdresser. The last time I went to her I was very close to my due date. After Serenity died, I just couldn't face her. My sis came for a visit and insisted that I got a haircut, and found me someplace to go. I went to this new place probably three times. I just knew I couldn't face my hairdresser, because I knew what she would ask.

I went today. 'So, you been busy with the baby?'

'No baby.'

'What?'

'She didn't make it.'

And I cried. Poor lady.

I think this is really the last person to find out that my pregnancy did not end with a screaming, kicking baby.

My hairdresser is a young lady, maybe 40s, has a teenage daughter and a grandson. Her daughter got pregnant young too. Healthy babies all around. I don't know if that girl knows she is lucky or not.

However, I am glad to be back to quality haircuts.

Lately

Miss you sweetie. Lots.

I need a personal assistant

Can I just tell you that it is so not cool to get lost in the phone jungle of the hospital, to be there for the better part of my day, and still not be able to find out if the genetic results are back following the D & C?

Not cool.

Mexico

It was a busy weekend for Google Reader. Sorry I didn't make timely comments all around. Weekends have been slow lately, so I hadn't checked... must be the colder weather.

I have been really busy. I am working on Saturdays now, and trying to avoid the computer on Sundays so that my hands can rest. They were really sore and stiff yesterday.

I have had all kinds of slights and hurtful comments coming at me from all directions. I am just tired of them bothering me and tired of complaining about them.

Suffice it to say, people think stillborn babies are disgusting, and that I am so lucky that I am not tied down by my baby and can thus take a vacation. Ugh.

Overall, I am feeling better and better. Some of it is probably election euphoria, some of it is time, some of it trying not to think about reproducing and where we are on that. However, I am gaining weight and not exercising. Ugh.

I will be quite happy when this class I am teaching is over. Major time suck and the students don't seem to be holding up their end of the bargain.

Triple S is super excited about the Mexico trip. I am sure that is buoying us as well.

Mexico!!

I strongly dislike winter

Today is cold and dropping. Well, maybe 50 with a wind that goes through ya. And I didn't have a coat or gloves. But it just reminded me of how much I strongly dislike winter. This is why I went to grad school in FL. Now I can 'enjoy' four season here in the midwest. blah. And it is getting dark early. Double blah.

I just finished reading Mistborn, which, if I remember correctly, was recommended by Mr. Spit. Loved it! Now I have to wait for book 2 to come in mail....

At least the entry hall where I work at the botanic has a fireplace - can't wait til we can crank that sucker on.

Nine Months

Missing you sweetie

Election

Yay!

I am the happiest and most hopeful I have been for awhile.

Eight years of W. was like I remembered the Reagan years when I was an elementary school student. There was always this background fear of the communists attacking us, of economic hardships for the average person that was waiting for the trickle down from the top. It's scary how similar these last eight years have been - operating on a campaign of fear and helplessness, that only the government can protect us from unseen 'others' out there.

Everyone talks about how Obama is African-American. He is half white. Like Serenity would have been.

I watch the Colbert Report fairly often, and I always loved the skits about how Colbert had black friends and was 'colorblind' (the irony). I don't like the hype that Obama got elected (I was VERY worried however) despite his 'color'. He is an educated, intelligent person from a regular background who has a can-do attitude. He seems honest and has a normal family life. Education, hard work, fidelity, and acceptance of others, those are some of my ideals.

Pundits talk about the colorblindness of today's youth (I suppose they mean urban/suburban youth- cause there's still no black people out in most of the midwestern or central PA countryside). But if they make such a big deal about it, that's not really being colorblind, is it? I think it's great that the struggles of the civil rights era has made this possible. But things like race-based affirmative action and pundits still keep the color in the spotlight. I think it is amazing that a guy from a middle class family got into harvard and worked in low(er) paying jobs, was not a rich person (at least until his book), and still got elected.

To me, the differences in this country should be drawn across socio-economic lines, not race. I grew up out in white-folk country and now live in a diverse city (although still quite segregated). I probably never could live in my hoemtown again, esp with the nonwhite Triple S. I don't think I could live near here, in the outer suburbs. I had to go there once and was actually weirded out when I realized I didn't see any black folks.

I hope for better things for the young girls that get pregnant just like their mom did, no matter their color. It happens in all races. The poor are similar no matter their race or whether they live in the city or live in the country. I guess my point is that I have lived in both areas and I believe it is an economic issue, an issue of role models and being able to see that you can live your life differently, and an issue of educational and job opportunity. It's also cultural. Do the parents challenge their children, or discourage them? Are the children supported or or degraded? Are the children taught that they can make a difference, or are they uninspired and kept occupied by entertainment, drugs, and anger? (Drugs are a large part of country-culture too- I saw it growing up and you can see it now in the meth boom).

What I see is that the politics have managed to divide the poor into poor, urban 'minorities' and poor, country whites. If only these two poor groups could get together and demand less greed from the true minority (the rich 1-5%). I think if they could see past those things that are used to keep them apart ( race and hiphop vs country western culture type things) they would find that they have a lot more in common, and common struggles and common oppressors.

I also think that a major problem in our country is the prevailing anti-intellectualism. This is perhaps the scariest thing I see. It is deeply cultural and is a part of America. Electing a 'C' president is part of this ant-intellectualism.

If not seeing race is 'colorblindness', what is not judging someone by their sexual orientation?? I don't really care who you are sleeping with, as long as you are honest, true and caring and have respect for both the other and yourself in the relationship. Because I belive these are factors in making a nice world.

Do these thought make me some kind of socialist or something?

I work from home

The HVAC guy asked how many kids I have, cause ya know, I work from home. So I must have kids.

Then he offered me his kids.

Why do people think this clever?

I work from home, I have no boss, and I love it. I also have no office drama, no annoying co-workers blah blah blahing and I can go play in my garden on nice days like yesterday (after I got my work done, of course).

In related news, I just started a job two days a week at the local botanic garden. I work at the gardening help desk, am responsible for opening and closing the building and corralling (and making the coffee for) the volunteers. It is very low stress and low responsibility (although I have responsibilities it is nothing like working at the science bench). I am so happy at this job: I get paid to go out and take pictures of plants to put on our website. C'mon, what is not to love?

When Triple S picked me up from work on Saturday, I am tallking his ear off at rapid fire rates. And I said, "I don't know why I am so happy at this job". Triple S is very wise. He said it is because:
1. I am no longer working in science, a field that overworks, underpays and underappreciates. Scientists like to give cold pricklies to their underlings. My new coworkers are actually human - warm and kind and not balls of stress and anxiety.
2. I have a job that is my hobby.
3. I get to talk to other people about my hobby all day. All the volunteers are expereinced gardeners (most are retired, so have many years of experience) and they love to talk about their gardens. I have learned a lot in four weeks. And when I told the one staff member that I was frustrated because I didn't have everything down yet, he said not to worry, it would take me a year! A year! Gad, I wouldn't have a year in science to figure out how to run an agarose gel or digest a plasmid.

So anyway, I am super happy about this new job. Some of the volunteers are more long-winded than others, but I only see some of them for 2.5 hrs once every month. That is the kind of 'coworker' I can handle.

The only down side is that I am stretched pretty thin this semester, with teaching microbiology, editing manuscripts, working at the garden, working on upteen half-started house projects, facing a possible move this summer, dreaming about new garden projects, trying to keep the house straight, two quilts that are cut, but no sewing commenced, and planning our trip to Mexico. Oh and that whole deadbabymama thing and Triple S all impatient to start again.

This was supposed to be a short post regarding the HVAC guy.

Post-holiday wrap up #1

Friday nite, Triple S planned to drive about 45 min to go out for Mexican. I guess he figured that would give us enough time to avoid all the cute trick-or-treaters.

When we were almost ready, I peaked through the front door's small window and caught a glimpse of the girl from the end of the block in an outfit with fairy wings. That was enough to send me to promptly put on my shoes and head out the door. I think that gal was born shortly after Serenity. I don't really know.

The unexpected boon from the holidays? The pics from friends...

I was torn between seeing the neighborhood kids in their outfits and running and hiding. I like them for all their own unique kidnesses. I like seeing my friend's kids dressed up and enjoying life. And it only pangs a wee tiny bit. But avoidance strategies do in theory have their advantages....

On Halloween we did light a candle, maybe to help Serenity to find us, maybe just because. It is the same candle we burned on Oct 15. It has a unique fragrance and burns very slowly. I think we will use it whenever we want to feel close to her, to feel her presence in the room: a call to memory.

Even though we can avoid celebrating and avoid our friends, we can not truly avoid the holidays. Triple S lost it as we lay in bed. "Why? We would have taken good care of her...why?"

I'm sorry babe, to that I have no answer.

All Hallow's Eve

I don't feel like 'celebrating' Halloween.

I know true fear and disorientation.

Triple S has seen a real horror and gore show, replete with sobs, blood and a dead body.

We lived through the pain and the scariness, knowing that it was not fake or for fun; knowing that it could end even more horribly; knowing that there were no treats.

***

I have always been enamored by the traditional belief that, as the summer sun fades into winter's gloom, as the crops are harvested and assessed for rationing, the boundary between our world - the world of the living - and the spirit world - the world of the dead - is thin, and that the dead and the living can commune. It is a time for me to look inward, to reflect on the circle of life, the turning of the seasons, and those who have gone before me.

Scary Halloween costumes come from the idea that the spirits walk the world on this night, and that a costume would disorient them, scare them away, or prevent them from finding the one that they seek. If Serenity comes looking for me tonight, I want her to be able to find me.

Many in Central America observe el Dia de los Muertos as a time to remember their dead and to clean their graves. I prefer this outlook on this time of year.

"there is no name for the one who has lost a child"

A child that loses a parent is an orphan.
A man who loses his wife is a widower.
A woman who loses her husband is a widow.
There is no name for a parent that loses a child,
for there is no word to describe this pain.
~Sukie Miller~

**I found one webpage that attributed this (paraphrased here into poem form) to psychotherapist Sukie Miller, in her book "Finding Hope When a Child Dies". **

Perhaps we have invented our own name, a name that is raw and unpalatable, deadbabymama and deadbabypapa. I have said this in a few convos with friends and in a few emails.

"Hi. Are you married?"
'Oh, I'm a widow. My husband has been dead for...'

"Hi. Do you have kids?"
'No, I am a deadbabymama.'

That should go over well.

Age at birth

As I understand, the Chinese culture ages babies at 1 year when they are born. Perhaps they understood what modern medicine now recognizes as ten months of gestation (nearly a year) and what we stillbirth moms now know all too painfully. Our babies are loved by us and part of the family well before they are born.

Annual Block Party

The kids on our block are lucky kids. There are, um, a lot of them, like about 7 that all play together, under 7 or 8 years old. There's one block mom who babysits all 7 of them (some are in school now, youngest is 18 mos) so they all know each other really well. The older ones take care of the younger. It really is our own little village here. Some of them are terrorists in diapers, because they like to run into the Obama signs that line the knee lawns.

The kids were running around on the street on Saturday, as we had our annual block party. Last year we missed most of it since we were at a wedding, but we came about 9 pm and let everyone know about the big belly. This year, the kids are screaming and laughing, and Triple S looked distraught (well, to me at least). There's two younger girls that live at the far end of the block and who arent watch by the 'block mom'. They didn't play with the other kids and were more reserved, but they are also younger. I think the one girl is about how old Serenity would be. Can't they just stay home??

Well, at least the kids are lucky, 'cause I don't know if I am.

There are three other kids on our block, 13, 15 and 16. They were all watched by their generation's 'block mom'. It was neat to see the affinity those older kids still had for her, and she for them. It is also interesting that our block has a current block mom. What a nice tradition. Way better than daycare. And she doesn't care if you are running late from work. And after the kids have been 'picked up', they are usully still running up and down the knee lawns, knocking over our signs. They don't really care if it's 5 pm or not. Terrorists in diapers....

They terrorize my heart.

This time last year

This is me, last year. Look at that big belly. Look at that smile. We went to a wedding for two friends. I have to send them an anniversary card.

I am not looking forward to the next 4 months. Remembering what it was like to be pregnant. Birthdays and holidays. Serenity's delivery and due date.

I told my grandmother (who lost her toddler to diabetes) that we weren't celebrating any holidays this fall. She wrote back to say that we shouldn't "give up every event [we] normally celebrate. ... Believe me, I know how hard it is."

We don't have anyone to 'pretend' for. No older children, no family in town. To me, it truly would be a farce to celebrate my birthday, to decorate for Christmas, or do holiday shopping. I should decorate for Dia de los Muertos.

It was hard enough for us on Mother's Day and Father's Day, days we never 'celebrated' before, days with less commercialization and infiltration. Days we tried to insulate ourselves from the world, days spent in our secret garden.

The smells of fall, the crispness in the air, the shortening days, and the difficulty I had trying to find my winter clothes all remind me of me, pregnant. Last year, my time with Serenity.

One word answers

Kol@ky tagged me! Thanks dearie!

Answer with a single word answer and then pass on to 7 others...

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Bed
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Annoying
5. Your father? Cranky
6. Your favorite thing? Triple S
7. Your dream last night? Unremembered
8. Your dream/goal? Contentment
9. The room you are in? Office
10. Your hobby? Gardening
11. Your fear? Loss
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Playdate
13. Where were you last night? Bed
14. What you're not? Livebabymama
15. One of your wish list items? Health
16. Where you grew up? PA
17. The last thing you did? Said goodbye (can't think of a one word phrase for sending someone off...)
18. What are you wearing? Houseclothes
19. Your T.V.? DVR
20. Your pet? Stinky
21. Your computer? MAC!
22. Your mood? Indecisive
23. Missing someone? Someones
24. Your car? VW
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Tarjay
27. Your Summer? Unfillfilling
28. Love someone? Triple S
29. Your favorite color? Brown
30. When is the last time you laughed? Sarcastically?
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

Only one word? I am a wordy one...

7 people:
Sara
Reese
Rosepetal
Kristi
banbear2
The Fab Ms. Beth
Team Killion

Since I love your blog, you are now tagged to do this meme!

Top hits of '94 _ I use that term loosely

And because I have always thought that I really should have been a kid in the 70's, I did the year I was born...

1994
If it has a question mark, I really can't think of the song in my head. I grew up listening to classic rock and never had on the 'current' channel.

1994 was a year that was a bit short on guitar music. I am a rocker! Most of these songs I either hate or can't remember...

1. The Sign, Ace Of Base Yuck
2. I Swear, All-4-One ?
3. I'll Make Love To You, Boyz II Men I think a Boyz to men song was our class song - GAG!
4. The Power Of Love, Celine Dion ?
5. Hero, Mariah Carey This one is ok
6. Stay (I Missed You), Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories ok
7. Breathe Again, Toni Braxton ?
8. All For Love, Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting Vaguely remember - was this the 3 muskaters movie or something?
9. All That She Wants, Ace Of Base ...is another baby... HELLO! gag and definetly gets scanned thru if it comes on the radio
10. Don't Turn Around, Ace Of Base I think Ace of Base had one album, and it happened to be this year...
11. Bump N' Grind, R. Kelly ?
12. Again, Janet Jackson ?
13. I'll Remember, Madonna ? Usually I like madonna songs, can't remember this one
14. Whatta Man, Salt-N-Pepa This one was catchy, but can't say that I would queue the CD
15. Wild Night, John Mellencamp and Me'shell Ndegeocello Love Mellancamp!
16. Without You/Never Forget You, Mariah Carey ?
17. You Mean The World To Me, Toni Braxton ?
18. Can You Feel The Love Tonight, Elton John Love Sir Elton and love, was this Lion King?
19. The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, Prince Symbol ?
20. Fantastic Voyage, Coolio ?
21. Baby I Love Your Way, Big Mountain isn't this an older song? Maybe I am tinkin of the orginal..
22. Regulate, Warren G and Nate Dogg ?
23. If You Go, Jon Secada ?
24. Back and Forth, Aaliyah ?
25. Now And Forever, Richard Marx ?
26. When Can I See You, Babyface ?
27. Please Forgive Me, Bryan Adams ? Bryan Adams has a mushy album out this year - can't remember any of the songs
28. So Much In Love, All-4-One ?
29. Shoop, Salt-N-Pepa ?
30. Any Time, Any Place/And On And On, Janet Jackson ?
31. Shine, Collective Soul OH Here we go! Yes, liking this one... Ok, I guess I am not cool, I like the 31st song
32. Said I Loved You...But I Lied, Michael Bolton ?
33. Return To Innocence, Enigma LOVE this song. I htink I have this CD (I am not a big CD buyer)
34. All I Wanna Do, Sheryl Crow I think this oe still gets airtime, so I think i know it...Sherly Crow is background msic to me, I never reallt tune in.
35. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Crash Test Dummies I loved this song and the video! (MTV still kinda played videos back in my day)
36. Can We Talk, Tevin Campbell ?
37. Funkdafied, Da Brat ?
38. I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), Meat Loaf I Despise meatloaf. gag gag
39. Gangsta Lean, Drs ?
40. Because The Night, 10,000 Maniacs Another song and band that I love - got the CD and still listen to it - I think I have the MTV live version (ya know when MTV played music...)
41. Cantaloop, US3 ? really, this is a name of a song? where was I in high school?
42. Whoomp! (There It Is), Tag Team see, the hip hop songs that I rememebr I really hate...
43. Come To My Window, Melissa Etheridge Love Melissa Etherrisge - have this CD on my ITunes - miss hearing those rockin' women on the radio - like Indgio Girls - how come none of their songs are on this list? White folk are too busy listening to gansta rappers and not white lesbains I guess.
44. Stroke You Up, Changing Faces ?
45. I'm Ready, Tevin Campbell ?
46. 100% Pure Love, Crystal Waters ?
47. Anytime You Need A Friend, Mariah Carey ? yes mariah carey was all over 1994
48. Because Of Love, Janet Jackson ? would i recognie this one if I heard it?
49. Linger, Cranberries Love it!
50. Loser, Beck
51. Found Out About You, Gin Blossoms et where's the counting crows ont his list? Maybe that was 1995?
52. Gin And Juice, Snoop Doggy Dogg ?
53. Never Lie, Immature ?
54. Streets Of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen so brooding
55. Getto Jam, Domino ?
56. Endless Love, Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey ?
57. I Miss You w/ Aaron Hall ?
58. Understanding, Xscape ?
59. This D.J., Warren G ?
60. Cry For You, Jodeci ?
61. Keep Ya Head Up, 2Pac ?
62. Who Am I (What's My Name?), Snoop Doggy Dogg ?
63. Another Night, Real McCoy I think I might not hate this one...
64. Your Body's Callin', R. Kelly ? callin for what, pizza?
65. Tootsee Roll, 69 Boyz ?
66. I Can See Clearly Now, Jimmy Cliff ...the rain is gone... I swear this was an older song...
67. Never Keeping Secrets, Babyface ?
68. Crazy, Aerosmith Guitars and hot legs!
69. Just Kickin' It, Xscape ?
70. At Your Best (You Are Love), Aaliyah ?
71. Rock And Roll Dreams Come Through, Meat Loaf gag
72 Amazing, Aerosmith
73. Always, Erasure
74. Groove Thang, Zhane ?
75. Dreams, Gabrielle ?
76. Mr. Vain, Culture Beat
77. Mary Jane's Last Dance, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers I like Tom PEtty but this was not my fav song
78. Anything, SWV ?
79. Beautiful In My Eyes, Joshua Kadison ?
80. Stay, Eternal
81. Flava In Ya Ear, Craig Mack ?
82. U.N.I.T.Y., Queen Latifah ?
83. Prayer For The Dying, Seal Like Seal
84. Secret, Madonna ? was this the cone boob era?
85. Here Comes The Hotstepper, Ini Kamoze ??
86. Everyday, Phil Collins
87. Don't Take The Girl, Tim McGraw ?
88. Got Me Waiting, Heavy D and The Boyz ? gad, how may boyz in '94
89. December 1963 (Oh, What A Night), Four Seasons
90. Indian Outlaw, Tim McGraw ?
91. Always, Bon Jovi
92. I'm The Only One, Melissa Etheridge this song makes me HOT!
93. Back In The Day, Ahmad ?
94. Love Sneakin' Up On You, Bonnie Raitt ?
95. I'll Take You There, General Public ?
96. Always In My Heart, Tevin Campbell ?
97. What Is Love, Haddaway ?
98. And Our Feelings, Babyface ?
99. Bop Gun (One Nation), Ice Cube ?
100. I Wanna Be Down, Brandy ?


Because it is 5 in the morning and I am awake, I am going to give my birthyear a try.

1. Love Will Keep Us Together, The Captain and Tennille
2. Rhinestone Cowboy, Glen Campbell
3. Philadelphia Freedom, Elton John
4. Before The Next Teardrop Falls, Freddy Fender
5. My Eyes Adored You, Frankie Valli
6. Shining Star, Earth, Wind and Fire
7. Fame, David Bowie
8. Laughter In The Rain, Neil Sedaka
9. One Of These Nights, Eagles
10. Thank God I'm A Country Boy, John Denver
11. Jive Talkin', Bee Gees
12. Best Of My Love, Eagles
13. Lovin' You, Minnie Riperton
14. Kung Fu Fighting, Carl Douglas
15. Black Water, Doobie Brothers
16. Ballroom Blitz, Sweet
17. (Hey Won't You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song, B.J. Thomas
18. He Don't Love You (Like I Love You), Tony Orlando and Dawn
19. At Seventeen, Janis Ian
20. Pick Up The Pieces, Average White Band
21. The Hustle, Van McCoy and The Soul City Symphony
22. Lady Marmalade, Labelle
23. Why Can't We Be Friends?, War
24. Love Wont Let Me Wait, Major Harris
25. Boogie On Reggae Woman, Stevie Wonder
26. Wasted Days And Wasted Nights, Freddy Fender
27. Fight The Power, Pt. 1, Isley Brothers
28. Angie Baby, Helen Reddy
29. Jackie Blue, Ozark Mountain Daredevils
30. Fire, Ohio Players
31. Magic, Pilot
32. Please Mr. Postman, Carpenters
33. Sister Golden Hair, America
34. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, Elton John
35. Mandy, Barry Manilow
36. Have You Never Been Mellow, Olivia Newton-John
37. Could It Be Magic, Barry Manilow
38. Cat's In The Cradle, Harry Chapin
39. Wildfire Michael Murphy
40. I'm Not Lisa, Jessi Colter
41. Listen To What The Man Said, Paul Mccartney and Wings
42. I'm Not In Love, 10cc
43. I Can Help, Billy Swan
44. Fallin' In Love, Hamilton, Joe Frank and Reynolds
45. Feelings, Morris Albert
46. Chevy Van, Sammy Johns
47. When Will I Be Loved, Linda Ronstadt
48. You're The First, The Last, My Everthing, Barry White
49. Please Mr Please, Olivia Newton-John
50. You're No Good, Linda Ronstadt
51. Dynomite, Bazuka
52. Walking In Rhythm, Blackbyrds
53. The Way We Were/Try To Remember, Gladys Knight and The Pips
54. Midnight Blue, Melissa Manchester
55. Don't Call Us, We'll Call You, Sugarloaf
56. Poetry Man, Phoebe Snow
57. How Long, Ace
58. Express, B.T. Express
59. That's The Way Of The World, Earth, Wind and Fire
60. Lady, Styx
61. Bad Time, Grand Funk
62. Only Women Bleed, Alice Cooper
63. Doctor's Orders, Carol Douglas
64. Get Down Tonight, K.C. and The Sunshine Band
65. You Are So Beautiful/It's A Sin When You Love Somebody, Joe Cocker
66. One Man Woman-One Woman Man, Paul Anka and Odia Coates
67. Feel Like Makin' Love, Bad Company
68. How Sweet It Is, James Taylor
69. Dance With Me, Orleans
70. Cut The Cake, Average White Band
71. Never Can Say Goodbye, Gloria Gaynor
72. I Don't Like To Sleep Alone, Paul Anka
73. Morning Side Of The Mountain, Donny and Marie Osmond
74. Some Kind Of Wonderful, Grand Funk
75. When Will I See You Again, Three Degrees
76. Get Down, Get Down (Get On The Floor), Joe Simon
77. I'm Sorry/Calypso, John Denver
78. Killer Queen, Queen
79. Shoeshine Boy, Eddie Kendricks
80. Do It (Til You're Satisfied), B.T. Express
81. Can't Get It Out Of My Head, Electric Light Orchestra
82. Sha-La-La (Makes Me Happy), Al Green
83. Lonely People, America
84. You Got The Love, Rufus
85. The Rockford Files, Mike Pos
86. It Only Takes A Minute, Tavares
87. No No Song/Snookeroo, Ringo Starr
88. Junior's Farm/Sally G, Paul McCartney and Wings
89. Bungle In The Jungle, Jethro Tull
90. Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance), Leo Sayer
91. Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Elton John
92. Misty, Ray Stevens
93. Bad Blood, Neil Sedaka
94. Only Yesterday, Carpenters
95. I'm On Fire, Dwight Twilley Band
96. Only You, Ringo Starr
97. Third Rate Romance, Amazing Rhythm Aces
98. You Aint Seen Nothin' Yet/Free Wheelin', Bachman-Turner Overdrive
99. Swearin' To God, Frankie Valli
100. Get Dancin', Disco Tex and The Sex-O-lettes

No Jim Croce?? I need to download his songs to ITunes...

I probably like a lot of these songs but I just don;t know their names ( I am not big on songs names, singer names or actor names. I always ask Triple S if I have ever seen an actor in a movie before, and he tells me 3 movies I have seen starring so and so...

TAG- You are all it!

Last Night

One is for Serenity, one for macadamia and one for all the babies I have come to know through the blogs and IRL...

My Dad is here for a few weeks and he is *really* cutting into my blogging time... and I am not used to someone *hovering* all the time. Blogging is my time. Dude. Go find something to do.

He was here for the candle lighting last night. I think maybe he gets that we are not really to the place that others call "back to normal."

***
And I am such a dummy because I didn't think to turn off the lights to snap the photo...everyone else's photos look great! boohooo
***

And McCain/Palin scare me.... at least my dad doesn't like McCain...I have a few weeks to get him to vote for Obama/Biden....

***
And and I hope that all the people that read my blog write to Congress!!! I hope I hope.

Light and Write

Please light a candle tonite to remember the countless babies that die before their birth.



Please write your representative to ask him or her to support the

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008.

Here is a link explaining the bill at Washington Watch. You can read the bill (it is surprisingly short and straightforward) and leave comments. There is also a link (on the right under Take Action) to contact your Representative.

Thank you all for you support and comments, and welcome to all the SITStas... please read this post to find links on more information about stillbirth and share these links with pregnant women in your life.

I am a woman on a mission today!

My hubby cured me

Triple S has completely abolished my dizziness. I was still a little dizzy sometimes and all the time I had a sort of fogginess that made it hard to concentrate.

I read up on Benign Vertigo and found that maybe I have some rocks loose in my head (that actually explains a lot of things...). We decided to try this non-invasive and drug-free treatment called the Epley Maneuver. It's been two or three days now and I haven't been dizzy and even went for two bike rides. This is certainly helping my mood and spirits and all that!

Yeah Dr. Triple S.

Junk Mail

I have to wonder when my friends will tire of getting doom and gloom emails in their inbox. Am I now going to their junk mail folders?

I sent an email to over 50 friends and former coworkers (and posted on FaceBook) that live in, oh a dozen states and about as many countries. This email was really about Stillbirth Awareness, and I also asked them to light a candle on October 15th.

Here is the info I included in the email:

Approximately 1 in every 115 pregnancies (or '1 in 100' or '1 in 150' or '1 in 200') ends in Stillbirth in the US each year. This is a seemingly random occurrence, with far too little data and attention paid to it. Of those 115 stillbirths, 40% of the stillbirths that occur in otherwise healthy pregnancies remain unexplained after physical examination of the mother and the placenta and an autopsy of the baby. See below to see why the rate is not known.

The rate of stillbirths in the US is higher than that of SIDS (~5%), higher than the infant mortality rate (~7% death after a live birth) and similar to that of premature birth (~13%). One reason that the SIDS rate has dropped over the last decade is due to research into ways to prevent SIDS and to an intensive awareness campaign aimed at educating expecting and new parents (the Back to Sleep Campaign). Perhaps the same attention should now be paid to the causes of stillbirths in otherwise healthy pregnancies and to educating expectant mothers on how to protect their child during the final weeks of pregnancy.

There is currently a bill in the House of Representatives that will substantially aid in the study of the causes of stillbirth. HR 5979 aims to standardize the post mortum protocol and reporting of the stillbirth and any determined causes at the Federal level. This will improve the data that is collected and provide a framework for epidemiological studies. Please view this bill at Washington Watch (http://www.washingtonwatch.com/bills/show/110_HR_5979.html) and write to your Representative (there is a link on the right of that page) to ask them to support this bill. Please do this close to October 15th so that a large enough volume of mail comes into their office and gets noticed.

Organizations such as the March of Dimes fund research and provide education in ways to prevent birth defects and premature births. Funding for stillbirth research and prevention is not at the same rate. In fact, the March of Dimes database does not include the rate of stillbirths within the US. If you give to such organizations, please consider asking them to divert more resources to the area of stillbirth prevention. Losing a baby one week before his or her due date is no less painful than losing a baby one week after his or her birth.

In addition, if you or someone you know is pregnant, please read and share these pages:
http://babykickalliance.org/stillbirth.asp and
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/duringpregnancy/kickcounts.htm.
Kick Counts were not mentioned to me by my doctor nor were they covered or emphasized in the prenatal books that I read. There is currently a push by some doctors for greater monitoring of baby kicks, but an inconclusive study about the benefits of kick counts a few years ago has led many doctors to ignore this free and easy way to monitor fetal health. It is completely non-invasive and may help a family avoid the tragic outcome of a baby's death in the womb.

After a safe delivery, www.savebabies.org recommends screening for 95 newborn diseases, which are not screened for in most states.

If you would like to know more about stillbirth and how to support those in mourning, please visit the
MISS Foundation at www.missfoundation.org:
http://www.missfoundation.org/babysbreath/index.html and the
National Stillbirth Society at http://www.stillnomore.org/main.htm .

October is more famously known as "Breast Cancer Awareness" month. My doctor has recently recommending a preventative measure to me which is similar to the one outlined here: http://www.breasthealthproject.com/

I hope the email is shared with their friends who are still facing the unknown road through reproduction. I can only hope that a baby is saved from all that I have learned since Serenity died.

***
I also invited a few close friends to read my blog. EEEEKKKK! They better freakin say "hi". :)

Busy being happy and busy being sad

Vacation is (mostly) all booked. We somehow managed to get one night where we don't have a hotel, but we are working on that. It is hard being a deadbabyparent- your brain just does not function well.

I started a new part-time position- Thur and Sat (Fri today was a training day).

My supervisor wanted to know when my birthday was and was excited that it is coming up because that means department birthday cake. I was trying to downplay it, and said my b-day is probably not even on one of my days here. She said "that's ok, we'll have it the closest Thurs" etc etc. I am not much of a b-day person as it is, and I really don't want to be the center of attention where I've just started and will probably never know everyone since I only work there 1 day in the week, AND I am NOT looking forward to my birthday this year.

Triple S and I have decided to skip all the holidays this fall. No porch light or candy for the tricker-treaters, we will volunteer at a food pantry for thanksgiving (nothing like seeing those less fortunate than you to cheer you up...), and we will be taking part in the drinking and debauchery that is "Temptations Resort and Spa" in Cancun Mexico for christmas.

Well, my new supervisor still is like "Don't worry, we'll do your birthday" so I just had to come out and say, "well, my daughter died earlier this year so I will probably be crying on my birthday." I think I might get a pass this year... I really don't think I will handle any "Happy Birthdays!" well. There's only one present I want and we all know I can't have it.

That all being said, she's nice and easy to talk to.

***

Yesterday I went to Target, my fav store. I like to call it Taaar Jaay, (all Frenchy) cause it sounds fancy. I had to pick up a b-day card for my SIS. I was just so sad after that. Walking around the store, trying not to cry. It's a pretty card, very girly, with rhinestones and a butterfly. I want someone to buy me something pretty with sparkles and butterflies. Or someone to send me a pretty card.

Probably this is all accumulating: seeing Sara's (of Streaks on the China) wonderful idea and cute cards (I really wanted to buy one for myself, because I miss my baby); then buying lots of cards for others recently (a congrats for my mom for an award at work, my dad's b-day, my lil sis's b-day, two friends' b-days); then the fall holidays and my b-day coming up..... boooohoooo.

Anyway, here's the link for Sara's beautiful, hand-screened, 'still thinking about you and your baby' cards. These cards are great to express support at a time of loss (specifically made for that long period after all the sympathy cards have been sent). Too bad I am preachin' to the choir here....

***
I told Triple S last night that I would never be happy in life again. Yes, I can enjoy little things, I am pretty much 'happy' now, but I don't think I will ever be light-hearted and just happy. The big things will always be tinged with sadness. At my birthday, the holidays, with my next baby and everything he or she acheives, all his 'firsts', I will just wonder "what if." What if Serenity hadn't died, what would she have done? But I also know that thought, that instantaneousand involuntary skip to my missing daughter, will mostly be fleeting, chased away by this thought: that Serenity's lil bro or sis likely would not exist if she hadn't died.

Is it healthy to feel sorry for oneself?

Last night, right before falling to sleep, I just felt sorry for myself.

Macadamia's miscarriage has really been a set back for me. That and the vertigo really put a stop to my exercising. Can't really bike when you can't walk straight.

These feelings, along with Triple S' stresses (see below) added up to a me pity party. Then, I started thinking "Is it healthy for me to feel sorry for myself? Is that bad mental thought process or ok?" Gad. I worry if my worry is healthy...

Triple S and I are trying to plan a trip. we decided on going to see the Mayan ruins in the Yucatan peninsula. Triple S has been so excited. We sat down to book tickets, and everything was expensive for the dates to match up with the tour. This was it for Triple S. He just couldn't take anymore. At work, his one coworker is starting to show, everyone posts pics of their kids on the door that he has to walk through daily, and he feels like he has to 'put on a face'. Serenity died, Macadamia died, my health is in the pits, and we can't plan our freakin trip! He had enough...

I told him he could put a pic of Serenity or her name on the door. He didn't think that would really help...

I told him not to worry, and I have pretty much taken over the trip planning. I found a tour company that can take us around the ruins on a flexible schedule so we could afford the plane tickets (well, it's debatable if we can afford it, but we are spending the money). I bought them last night. We really need a vacation. I called the tour company to get more info and to book the tour and am waiting for an email back with details.

It'd be nice if a lost a pound or two before this trip (well, really, it'd be nice if I lost 30, but I am being realistic...). And I hope the vertigo goes away. We are going to lounge on the beach a few days before coming back. We will be there for 12/25, so hopefully being away from the US for the holiday will help us to not cry so much...

We are excited for this trip and hope we can eat some yummy (non resort) food, ya know, like Anthony Bourdain.

***

In other news, I am busy planning our bathroom rehab. I guess I am the general contractor and site manager, oh, and designer. I am trying to do an eco-rehab, so getting recycled-material countertop, dual flush toilet, etc. Gosh, I am busy.

***

In other other news, I picked up a part-time position at a botanic garden- Thurs and Sats. We'll see if I like it.

I ain't doin' nothin' in life I don't like no more!!

Eight months without you

Serenity-

I love and miss you darling.

{o}

Mommy

.

October 15th outreach

I am planning to send an email to friends regarding October 15th. I will ask that they light a candle, and the email will contain info on stillbirth and the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. I want others to have info on stillbirth that I didn't have.

I may also invite a few RL friends to read my incognito blog! EEK! That's a little scary.

Friendships

Since many others have posted on this topic recently, I thought I'd add my two cents. Well, plus it is on my mind, perhaps because others have been posting about it. That's some kind of circular logic.

I am a very social person. I choose to use the present tense here, because I think one day I will be social again. I don't think the core of my being has shifted so much. I am also a bit private. Two examples:

1) We have stayed in touch with the chaplain from the hospital. We met her a few weeks ago just to catch up. I guess she felt a connection to us, otherwise I can't see how a chaplain could follow up with every patient. Well, she also officiated Serenity's memorial service at our request, so I guess maybe we aren't the norm. But anyway, when we met for lunch she said that "I hold [my] hand of cards, and I might show a tiny corner of one of them." I don't really disagree with that statement, especially about someone I don't know. Triple S knows just about everything about me, and noone knows even 25%.

2) I remember when I was in high school, I was friends with two sisters, I was in between them in age but we were all in a ~16 month range. I would tell some things to one sister and some to the other. Just because it is difficult for me for one person to know everything about me.

I think that I am social and have many acquaintances, but I am close to few people on this earth. I don't open up easily, not because I am paranoid or secretive; I am private. I also listen a lot to others and always ask them countless questions about what they are dealing with.

When I left my job, I left many work-friends. I haven't kept up with too many, but most of these folks are not people that I did social things outside of work with very often. Some had been to my house for a party or we had gone out for happy hour. I refer to these people as friends, but the majority are more like acquaintances. There are a few people that I will make more efforts to stay in touch with as time goes on, but most have probably drifted through my life.

Having said that, one gal from work has become closer, and a reliable friend. We knew each other, had dinner parties and had gone out before Serenity died. Our husbands get along. After Serenity, she called and they came over and just listened to Triple S ramble on about his feelings (See, he was talking and I was being private). These friends have been great. They called us, forced us out of the house, sat with us, said "let's do something", but have never held it against us if we couldn't. I don't think they would hate us if we canceled 5 min before something as long as we apologized and said, 'it's just a bad day". They have brought into the fold a third couple and all summer we have been enjoying little things with them- boating, dinner. Easy times. These are not dramatic people and they are easy going and not demanding on my emotions.

This week we were invited to go wine-tasting Thursday and boating on Saturday with these two couples. I finally emailed them back (when I realized it was this week) and said, "I've been sick and I am on drugs, so no wine, and I am dizzy, so no boating." No anger or disappointment, but an invite for dinner this Friday and thick concern coming through in the email. What did I do to deserve such a thoughtful and kind friend?

****

Having said that, there are others who I find extremely difficult to handle now. Too much drama, too many details, too much stress. I am not emailing them (I have become a HUGE emailer instead of phone or face to face) and they are not contacting me. I don't miss them. Will I in the future? Maybe. Maybe not.

I don't know what the difference is.

****
If I actually sit down to think about it, I am so antisocial right now. I work from home. There are some days that I do not talk to anyone all day. I *try* to avoid doing this blog or commenting during 'working' hours. Sometimes I am on Plurk. The crazy thing is, I don't feel like this is little social contact. I need this quiet, simple time.

I just had a weird conversation with someone the other day. I was a bit in the middle between a husband and wife. It affected me deeply and I really had to work to get through it. It was a huge stress for me; something I would probably not have thought twice about before.

When I was back to work for those two month, I was a ball of anxiety, especially when it came to interacting with my stupivisor. I just can't imagine having to still deal with that.

Now, I am teaching a class twice a week. I am slowly committing myself, back to the outside world. We went to that party last weekend, where most people don't know us; don't know what happened.

****
I have issues with my mother. I don't think she is an empathizer. I just don't know what she thinks, and I don't think she *thinks* before she says stuff to me. I called her after my vertigo began to dissipate so she wouldn't worry. Then she is asking me if I am doing any house projects (ya know maintenance on a 80 year-old-house). I told her, flat out, "mom, we are lucky if we can deal with the day to day. I have been sick for 9 days and this is the first day I don't feel dizzy. I had surgery on Thursday. We haven't done any house projects since Serenity died" Do I really need to explain this to her? Oh wait, apparently I do.

****
There is really no point tot his post. This is more a list of the social interactions and the difficulties I have with being out there in the world. It's not easy. I am in a different place than I was in March, than in July before being pregnant again, and even a different place than yesterday. I am certainly not in the same place I was before getting pregnant with Serenity nor during that pregnancy. I can never go back there.

I hope to tell those two easy-going couples what's happened these last few weeks, when we see them again. To me, it is important to be honest with them, although it will be be tricky to "bring it up", and it will be hard for them to hear, and hard for me to receive sympathy.

****
Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I don't want sympathy as much as I need empathy and understanding. Like Janis says, I want space. I need time and energy to heal, both physically and mentally. I want leeway in my friendships. Those who think I can just go out and have a ball or listen to their telenovelas can't give me what I need right now.

I finally said it

Today after class, one of my students asked "Is this all you do?" (Yes, all I do in my life is teach one college course as an adjunct)

"No, I have a freelance copyediting business."

"Oh, you have kids at home?"

"No."


pause, pause. It seemed really long to me.


"My daughter died earlier this year."

***

I told her a bit more, and that I quit my job because my boss was a f*ucker and started my dream business.

I am finally at a point that I can say this. Say this and not instantly burst into tears. On the drive home from the Uni, I was proud. Sad and proud. Proud of myself for recognizing my daughter and proud of being my baby's mama. I also felt like bawling.

Americans: Write your Representative

I just sent an email off to my House Representative asking him to support the

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008.

Here is a link explaining the bill at Washington Watch. You can read the bill (it is surprisingly short and straightforward) and leave comments. There is also a link (on the right under Take Action) to contact your Representative.


You can use my letter as a template or write your own, better note. It sure would be swell to get this HR 5979 passed by this year:

Dear ,

I am writing to ask you to help get HR 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008 through the Committee and passed before the end of this year. ***The longer that Bill 5979 takes to pass, the more children that will die needlessly.***

This bill will legislate the standardized tracking of stillbirth data. This data can then be used to research and attempt to understand why seemingly healthy pregnancies suddenly end tragically. I held my child, a fully formed baby who died in my womb. Neither the doctors nor the autopsy can explain why or how this happened. A unified reporting system throughout the country can help to track these deaths, in the same way that other deaths are tracked.

Please do everything in your power to get HR. 5979 through Congress. And please think of us, the grieving families around the world, on October 15th, the International Stillbirth and Pregnancy Loss Day of Remembrance.

Sincerely,

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce it's incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still. Lobby your Congressional Representatives to get this bill passed! The government funds research on breast cancer, heart disease, AIDS - why not the death of babies?

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others
-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others
-E-mail 5 bloggers and nicely ask them to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community. Email friends and family to inform them about this bill and to ask them to honor your baby by participating in the world-wide October 15th Wave of Light.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act
-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act." Aks your readers to lobby Congress to pass this research bill.

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results for "October 15th" or "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day".

The MISS Foundation
International Day of Remembrance
Bill H.R.5979
Stillbirth Research