What people do to their children

Is anyone else having trouble dealing with this story coming out of Austria? It is driving me bonkers.

God, I get so pissed off at what people do to their children.

And that mother? She really didn't know? Did they have s sign on their door for folks to drop off babies? What coincidence is it to get 3 babies dropped on your doorstep.

And maybe governments should do genetic tests on all "found" children. Kinda funny that all 3 of those kids have the same genetic markers as the residents of the house....

Well, it just really p i s s e s me off.

Climbed that noisy incline

Well, I am feeling better again today. Maybe three tearful hours gets alot of pain out.

I am starting to see this grief thing for the roller coaster that it is. Right now I am at the top of the track, and who knows how long or steep the next downhill is.

It is amazing what a fog grief can cause in my brain. i re-read my essays today for the application I am putting in tomorrow. OMG, who wrote that crap? At least today my brain was functioning a bit and I could clean them up. I guess if I read them a month from now I will think they suck. Well, that's assuming that my head will be less foggy by then.

Ya know, I've got a bad back. I really shouldn't be riding roller coasters.


Check out these songs
"Lost" by Michael Buble
"Can't get it right today" by Joe Purdy

Apparently the second one is on TV, but I have a DVR and don't watch commercials, so I am behind the times.

I didn't even buy a ticket for this roller coaster ride

**Warning- major venting to follow**

The last two days have been really rough for some reason. I was crying and my husband was holding me. I told him I didn't know why I was like this today. He simply said "Because our baby died". Oh yeah. But why am I crying and weepy all day?

Well, I think it maybe because I have now gotten my first period since losing Serenity. Yeah, another egg gone. Two more and I can TTC again, right? I can't even imagine being pregnant again at this point. At first i set a "think about it" date at August, but now that even feels like it is to close.

My life just seems so tough right now. I don't know where to go.

I need a new job, My boss asked me on Monday if I wanted a high school student for the summer. First of, I told him I was looking for a new job. I think he kinda forgot. (not such a bright guy, anyway). I told him that I didn't think I could handle it this summer. He said "oh, you're too busy?" I said, "No, I am not too busy," [[I think I am barely doing 15% of my previous work load- I don't know if he knows this or not]] I just don't think I am emotionally strong enough for it." He actually asked me why? Why am I not strong enough to handle someone else's kid following me around all summer, completely dependent on me for ever action? Are you kidding me???? So, yes, I had to explain it to him. So he said, "ok, I'll ask C if she wants one". This guy is really in-human. Really. I can't f*ckin believe him.
This is why I need a new job pronto. This is the same boss who had a message sent to every employee at my work that my baby was born and that "dad" was to excited to tell him the weight and length. This was after two phone conversations with my husband that we had lost the baby. This was all the bad stuff going on when I returned to work. My boss then found out we were having a memorial service for Serenity and asked me why he wasn't invited. I told him that we were mad that he had sent out this email. He thought that there was no way he could have misunderstood my husband. So, he was saying that my husband told him that the baby was ok. ??? I found this incredibly difficult to take. My husband managed to inform my parents, his parents, his work and my friend. No one else was confused. They all understood that we lost our baby and I had to push a dead baby out of me. During this convo, my boss also started yelling at me. He said "I spent $55 on flowers for you and I never even got a thank you!" This was after an email that went out with my request for no flowers! I could not believe he was raising his voice at me and yelling at me! This guy is a sociopath. All I wanted was for him to say, and mean, that he was sorry that the email was incorrect. Pretty simple for a normal human.
And now he wonders why I am not emoionally strong. That was a hard thing for me to say, like I was putting my feelings outside. I really need a new job.
I don't make that much money, but it is not so easy to get a job that pays this much in my field, nor to get a job period. You know, slumping economy and all. I really don't want to jeopordize our finances by quitting and hten not finding a job for awhile.
So, I am trying to apply for jobs and also apply for a class. i need to do alot of writing and resume re-writing for each application. So, not so many blogs lately due to this other energy expenditure.

So, that was major stress area #1. Current and future job.

Major stress area #2.
My back is killing me and the physical therapist makes me do all kinds of painful exercising that I just really ahve a hard time handling. it hurts and I feel like a big cry baby. It is just hard to push myself. I amnot emotionally strong enought ot hanfdle this either. Well, we'll see how the appointment goes tomorrow (2nd one). I haven't done my 20-30 daily reps of the 3 super painful exercises he has given me. I can usually make it through 3 before the pain is unbearable. What will he say if I tell him I am not emotionally strong enough to handle thsi right now?


What is stress #3? Well, this is probably number 1 and the overlying stress. I just don't know what to do with my life. I wanted to quit my job, be a SAHM for at least 6 months, do some freelance editing on the side and eventually get enough freelance work that I wouldn't have to work outside the house. Those plans have been completely obliterated. And I just don't know what to do. I set a date to stay at this job through June. I am not emotionally strong enough to handle an interview, really. And at least I have a routine. (Well, if you count getting to work sometime between 8:30 and 10 a routine)


So yeah, the last two days have been spent on the verge of tears. It's just really tough and super sucky. That's all I can think. DH says not to be so hard on myself. But I have to get out of this job! It is definitely not helping my emotional state.

This sucks.

I miss my baby girl.
My dream girl.
She's gone.

75% dead

My friend told me about a redwood tree that is completely hollow at its base, with only a thin layer living at its bark. This tree is old and tall and strong. It is 25% alive.

I feel hollow and empty inside.

I can't see the way forward. I can't see the forest through the trees.

But I am still here. Am I strong? Am I 25% alive?

What a jumble

My life is a jumble.
My emotions are a jumble.
Oh, and to top it all off, the cherry on top, I've got the stomach flu.
Can't a girl get a break?

It just does not help.

I am very nervous because tomorrow I will pitch a job idea to the president where I work. This is a new position where I work, I basically made it up. So it is really a shot in the dark. But eh, why not take a chance?

Oh, my tummy is rumbling. stop it stop it!

Well, I had a good cry tonite. My husband sang 'over the rainbow" with his guitar. I feel like Serenity is singing it to me. It feels good to release all those emotions still stirring inside me.

Kinda like what ever is stirring in my guts......

Are you really complaining to me about baby stuff?

So, there was one person in my immediate life that was pregnant at the same time I was, G.

I saw G at work, oh, I guess this was before I left town. We used to always find a corner and chit chat for some time about being preggo and baby stuff and family stuff (we are both married to foreigners). Well, she came to Serenity's service, brought her baby, saw dh and I crying our eyes out. Well, like that Wednesday we were talking. She is having problems with her mom and really looking forward to her inlaws coming to help with the baby. Ok. I can handle this convo.

At some point I told her that one of the most panful things for me emotinally and physically was when my milk came in. I said I didn't understand how a woman could choose not to breastfeed when that baby is there and crying (With a way to relieve than pressure and also making more milk with all that crying). Really, the engorgement was really rough for me and I think I could have been choked by how swollen my boobs were. Well, she started complaining about all kinds of stuff, I can't really remember it all cause I think I went somewhere else. But she was complaining that one boob was bigger than the other and one wasn't making milk, etc. etc. Ok. I did not appreciate this. If you need to vent about this, really might be better to not be venting to the deadbaby mama.

I just don't get it. Did she forget. Is it over already? And noone told me?

Yeah, ok, don't complain to me about your kids! I wouldn't mind a defunct boob if I had Serenity to nurse off the other one.

Communication Breakdown

Well, for some reason my mom thinks, and tells others, that I don't want to have more kids.

Hmm, when did I say that? I don't even remember discussing this with her. Was I still drugged up?

I just DO NOT get my mom.

My sister told me that my mom said this to her too, and she then told my mom that we were waiting for the autopsy results to see if there was any reason to not risk it again. I didn't know I was waiting for the autopsy results before TTC. How do these people know these things? I haven't said anything bout it and my logic was not working so well for the first 5 weeks to think that I should wait for the autopsy results. (Which showed nothing anyway)

So, whenever anyone calls me they talk about all kinds of stuff, but none of these things. But apparently they are talking about them to other people and just filling in the gaps. I want to talk about Serenity, she is one of the best things to come my way and the loss of her is by far the worst. (Husband gets # 1 spot, because he had been super good before and has been after all this and he is still here)

I think folks need more counseling than I do. I am going to once per month on that anyway...


I think Serenity maybe took after her mom in the klutzy department, since she manage to get all tangled up in that cord. Darn it.


The family reunion for my grandparents anniversary was great. I haven't seen some of my uncles/aunts/cousins for at least ten years. They all sent sympathy cards, but I got very few follow-ups or calls. But this way I could see them and they all said they were sorry for our loss, etc. But the main thing for me is that I gave out wallet cards with a poem I wrote and her name and delivery date. I could see that it really affected people and they realized a little more how hard it has been for us. I felt kind of bad, like I was pouring salt in the wounds, but their wounds were mostly little scratches. But, I felt like I was sharing something more about Serenity with them- maybe how important she was to us.

I notice that I now use the past tense with Serenity. She is gone and I can't have her. And that's ok, it sucks, but it's ok.

She is free
She is a butterfly
She is the wind
She is love
and I can share love

What I said at the service

I want to thank you all for coming and thank you for your continued support throughout this very difficult time. It has really meant the world to me. Thank You.

[dh] and I have lost our dream girl. In the short time that Serenity was with us, growing within my body, she brought us so much joy.

I know that now, she is peace.

She took good care of me and taught ME so much. I hope to one day give her a little brother or sister and to use the knowledge that she taught me to raise them well.

[dh] and I will live, really LIVE, our lives in order to honor Serenity Joy.



(all sobs and extremely long pauses omitted)

Cloudy day

My day darkened as it unfolded. My coworker is pregnant and suffering from extreme morning sickness. She missed about 3 weeks of work. She came back on Monday and looked slightly alive. Today she looked better to me and she was able to eat several things. I had given her some pointers yesterday that had worked for me and also the prenatals I was taking, hoping she could stomach them.

So, today we were chatting again. Some about doctors and how they spend very little time with you. She was spotting and vomiting for about three weeks and the dr didn't seem very supportive. It was difficult even to get an appointment. And I was telling her that since I was low risk, there was really very little care. Well, I felt mostly ok during the convo, but I was feeling sadder and sadder. I guess because I couldn't help my baby, I am worried about her and her baby, and just getting upset at how blase my dr was and how that gave me a false sense of security.

I think my coworker is going to have a worrisome pregnancy. I think we will both have a hard time at it. We are so close in our little office- if we both back our chairs up at the same time we run into each other!

So, I think this really affects my mood. I sure hope I get a new job quickly. I don't know if I can handle it everyday for the next 9 months!

Well, at least I did actually get some work done at work today. I wanted to finish something, especially since we are going out of town for 6 days. Off to my grandparents 70th wedding anniversary...

A new feeling

I woke up this morning and my first thought was of Serenity, like it has been. This time I felt so much love, and only love. My heart was swollen with it and yet I didn't feel any sadness. I felt the kind of love that makes you want to give your loved one a little extra squeeze during the hug. I felt like I wanted to hold my baby tight. Of course, I felt a little sad at that, but I was overwhelmed by the joy.

I know that Serenity has touched so many people. I felt that at the memorial service. We asked the guests to write letters to Serenity and to put them in a memorial box for her. I didn't think many people would be into it, but everyone really rushed to get a notecard and pen. We actually ran out! I think everyone really wanted to say something; express themselves.

I don't know if I will ever read these notes or not. At least one person told me that the note was really written to me. Maybe one day I will look at a few. Maybe I will read them to Serenity. Maybe I will read them to her younger sibling(s) when they are older. I just don't know.

But I know they are there and they are written for the love that everyone felt that day. I hope they carry this love in their hearts forever and spread it to the world. I hope they hug their kids more, find more patience with them, practice kindness.

The memory box we got was quite nice. I found it at a Hall*mark store, under $20 (if you can believe that from Hall*mark).



Mommy loves you Serenity and sends you butterfly kisses... {o} {o}

Reflections on the Memorial

Oh, the memorial has helped me so much. It was supposed to be for Serenity, but I think it has really done something for me. 

Now, something other than dead baby thoughts pop into my mind. Now, it is something a friend said, or a hug, or a smile, or the tears I saw in some many eyes. I am so touched by everyone standing there to support us.  

I feel that my burden of grief was lifted from my shoulders and distributed amongst all of my friends.  I am so grateful for this that it makes me cry. (Well, that could also be the music I am listening to, some of the songs from the service)

I am so happy that dh and I could show a glimpse of our love for our daughter to our friends. 

The butterflies were a release of joy.  Some took off and soared away. Others lingered, one until the song ended.  Many folks commented that maybe that butterfly was a special one. 

My friend gave my husband and I each a balloon. She told me that her kids and her write notes to their dad/dh and send them on balloons.  My husband and I wrote Serenity notes on our balloons and released them this morning.  Oh, they flew away so quickly. 

In memory of Serenity Joy

It was a beautiful beautiful day today for the service. Everything was beautiful: the shining sun, the blowing breeze, the balloons, our friends, our family, the butterflies, the music.  

My husband and I both spoke (and cried). My MIL, FIL, and mother spoke. Two of our dear friends too. Beautiful.

Everyone wrote letters to Serenity Joy.

We had photos of her and our hands.

I feel so at peace now.

I did something for my little girl.

My endless well of patience...

I am soooo not cool. My parents and dh parents are in town, in our house, for the service on Sunday. We are preparing somethings and some food for after the service tomorrow. Ok, I wrote lists for each group to work on, with details on where to find everything etc, and they just can't get it quite right! Ok, I am a control freak on a good day, and these ARE NOT GOOD DAYS.  So I am very easily frustrated and overly particular. I really wish I wasn't like this, and I hear myself criticizing the work they are doing and just think "why can't I shut my mouth?"  Oh, I hate stress.

I hate my life. I want the life I was dreaming of. I want my baby.

Mu friend called this AM. She can't make it from FL to MO for the service. She was just crying the whole time. I hope I can see her soon. I wish there was such a thing as virtual hugs....

The latest batch of new Americans

Today, my husband, Shu Fan, and 48 other midwesterners were naturalized as US citizens with all the rights, liberties, freedoms, and responsibilities that come along with it. It was a very nice service, with a guest speaker and words from the judge. It was really nice, especially to see the melting pot that makes up our country.  

A military officer sang a beautiful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. I cried. It was beautiful and I love my country. I cried, too, because I hate what our leaders have done to us and the world these last few years. I also cried because I missed my daughter. Soooo much. 

You're an American!

Today, my husband is set to by sworn in as an American citizen.  We had our final interview when I was about 7 months along. We were so happy. They said it would take a few months to get the finalization and appointment for the swearing in.  We thought we would be able to go as a family, with our little baby in our arms.

One thing off my mind

Well, I went to HR today to report what has been going on with my boss. I feel much better. I just have to bide my time until I find another suitable position. 

Basically, I have a lot to get through in the next three weeks, then I will really apply myself to the job search. I need a little more time to handle the stress of an interview. But I have put the word out to a few friends, so maybe something will come from my connections.  

I am just exhausted today. Too many rotten things going on at work.  It really takes it out of me...

Memorial Program

Well, this is what I have been working on all evening. Sent off to printer's.