The doves that talk to me

There are two kinds of doves that talk around this house.

There are a pair of mourning doves (maybe the same pair I tried to evict weeks ago, who laid an egg in a unprotected and windy spot) outside. Coo....coo-coo. If you've ever heard a mourning dove, you know how it got its name. It makes my heart hurt a tiny bit every time.

The second dove involves foil. Today, it said to me:

'Bring your life to life: stop planning and start doing'

'Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow'

'One's best success comes after one's greatest disappointment'

The first one makes me think snarky thoughts. "I wish I could just bring my baby to life. Ha"

The second one hurts; I thought chocolate was supposed to be heart healthy.

I am still waiting for the third one to materialize.

Sometimes I wish doves would keep their thoughts to themselves.

Ya Chun meets Mondrian

I like straight lines. I like being told to color within the lines. I never thought of Mondrian as abstract art, because his work is composed of straight lines. And I understand straight lines.

Now, there's this handy little internet do-hickey that will make 'you' into straight lines (all very well explained by Niobe).

This is 'me:'


Can straight lines and colored blocks portray a person?

Apparently, I am as wide as I am tall. Or, um, I like balance? Well, brown is my favorite color, so I guess that's good. I like plants and gardening, is that how that green got in there? The quiz asks if you have children, but doesn't ask about if any have died. Would that introduce a diagonal or a jagged line? I feel that a nasty crack should be right across that image.

Aches

Still, almost 15 months out, some days are ok and some days aren't.

I am having some not so great days.

I have had a headache for the better part of the last few days. Comes from the base of the back of my head, wraps right up the side to my temples. Nice. Last night and today it hurts so much that my stomach is nauseous. Super nice.

Then I think, am I pregnant? Even though I just had a period? Because I had a headache for the entire first trimester. But no, don't think so.

Then, am I developing seasonal allergies? Triple S' have come into full force, but that involves a lot of snot and sinus pressure. I don't think I have sinuses at the base of my head (but who knows, other anatomical things are awry in my body).

I think it's from PT. Since I was all losey from my massage, I think the PT did some super special 'treatments' and the upper vertebrate in my neck are unhappy about it. Apparently they like the position that they have been in for the last 15 or so years and are stubbornly refusing to be content in a new position. Boo hiss to them.

I am also anxious, because as Janis recently wrote, I am about to enter one of the frontiers of avoidance. This Saturday is the Chinese Festival at the Botanical Garden where I work. They expect at least 6000 people on Saturday, the day that I work. Triple S and I have been to the Chinese Festival before, since you know Triple S is Chinese. This is an event we would have surely taken Serenity to this year, but wouldn't otherwise be attending now. But, alas, I have to work.

All the folks that have adopted Chinese babies bring their kids to the event so that their kids can get some of the 'native culture'. Now, I am mostly ok with blond-haired and blue-eyed little babies*. But those Asian kids break my heart. Serenity looked more like Triple S than me, from the tone of her skin, to her dark hair and the shape of her eyes. She also had his lips**.

So, tomorrow I expect to be sitting at the gardening help desk, answering the number one question for such a large event (Do you have a bathroom in this building?) and seeing all the kids in their cute little chi paos looking all alive and happy.

*Ha-who am I kidding, I had to try really hard not to cry Thursday when a volunteers' one-year-old grandaughter came in Thursday and everyone was fussing over her.
**Just for the record, she had my pinky toe.

Busy as a Bee

What have I been up to lately?

Lunch:

Apple butter and cottage cheese on homemade toast. One of my favorite snacks! If I ever have apple butter and cottage cheese in the house at the same time, neither lasts long! This was the second piece for the day (so I'm a hobbit and need two lunches...) If you have never tried this, I recommend it. There's a local farm here that makes yummy apple butter. My favorite apple butter is anise. Ohhhh. I shoulda bought that one. I thought that *maybe* the plain would last longer...

Indoor farming:

I start my own tomatoes, peppers, eggplants, some herbs, gerber daisies and some other stuff. This year I started extra, since I have more time, and I am selling them. Craigslist is working great for this! Those funky looking pots are made of coir, or coconut fiber, which is a byproduct of coconut food processing. It's a more sustainable product than peat, which is a carbon sink that must be mined from the earth. I also make my own soilless starter mix, which is coir, earthworm castings, perlite and bio-fertilizers. (that's why I can sell these on craigslist- targeted marketing...)

Outdoor gardening (Well, a bit windy today these are from the other day):


This is a shot of the Polemonium reptans in our 'woodland' garden, which is a bit of a garden for Serenity. It is a 'woodland' garden because it is under a dogwood, which itself is supposed to be an understory tree. It is marginally growing here, but the native woodland plants do quite well under it. I have violets (cream, yellow, purple and white, and purple) blooming now too. The P. reptans is just the lightest of blues.

Cooking:

Those pansies, violas and woodland violets are supposed to make up for the saturated fat in that nice piece of steak. Yep, all are edible flowers! Triple S thought it was so pretty, I had surprised him by laying out the plates and stashing them in the fridge while he was grilling the steak on Friday. Maybe that's why I got the surprise bath on Saturday!

And see how straight my back is in the pic! I got a massage on friday, and I don't know what my *new favorite-person-in-the-whole-world* did, but my upper back is feeling much better - and for a whole 5 days now. I was gentle with myself in yoga yesterday because I didn't want to hurt it! She said she did a myofacial massage.

I changed my profile to a pick of me pulling weeds, a favorite hobby of mine.

The other thing going on was not recorded for posterity through photography. We went to see the reproductive endocrinologist yesterday (which I always try to call a restriction endocrinologist, ya know, RE, for all you molecular biologists). She said we can do progesterone about three days after ovulation (so even before getting the BFP), and suggested that we do ovulation predictor kits. Triple S was surfing the web yesterday at work looking for a brand to buy (guess who is motivated). The doc also want to do a hystosonogram with saline. We missed it for this cycle, as she is booked the rest of this week. I kinda wanted to ttc this month, so the secretary checked with the doc and the doc said she'd prefer us to wait. This lady is really helpful! This is what I wanted from my OB - just a bit of advice about my cycle length. I guess the RE thought that I could get away with doing an HSG even though we've only had one miscarriage. I don't think there is anything funky going on in my hooha, but who knows, I guess that's why we are going to look.

So, I feel like someone is taking care of us right now. Sigh of relief.

Why he's a keeper

I came home from work today to a freshly drawn hot bath, replete with candles and strawberries.

Yet another reason why he's a keeper...

Oh. Sometimes I am a bit of an airhead

Time has been amorphous for me the last two years. This May, it will have been two years since we got pregnant with Serenity. To me, it seems like last year. But last May, we were in the thralls of grief.

In preparation for the RE appointment, I was looking through my calendar (I swear I kept, ya know, records somewhere).

Macadamia's due date is/was this month.

I miss Serenity so much, and think about how old she would be, and what we are missing. But the miscarriage fed more into the fear of our next pregnancy than it registered as a loss of another baby. I totally forgot (repressed?) the timeline on macadamia, although I am not so good with time anyway, as I never really paid attention to Serenity's due date either. But 39 weeks has kinda snuck up on me.

Wow, in an alternate universe, I am freaking out for other reasons right now.

Eh gads, I suck.

...and Other Obvious Statements

Our baby dying really sucks.

I'm just sayin'.

Got any other obvious ones?

Life

The birds laid an egg. I moved the phone book and the egg was nestled in there. Today, I found it broken on the porch floor. This isn't the first bird who has tried to live there, nor the first egg to roll of the shelf. It is really not a good place for a nest. Ugh.

We have an appointment with the RE next Monday. Feels better knowing (hoping) that help is on its way.

The rabbit was really good. We'll cook rabbit again.

We cleaned my car yesterday.

Didn't get any phone calls from family.

But my hubby is great. You plus one equals love.

And, I really like the show called 'Life.' Anyone watch it?

Flawed Logic and Other Downloads

Friends are the family that you choose.

No one has chosen to be in the dead baby mama club.

So does that make us friends or family?

But just knowing you are there in my internets helps a bunch.

***

This week has been a hard week. I try to figure out why, but, well, I know. I really prefer the not-bad weeks.

My hormones are messing with me.

It's rainy today.

I have to call the RE today to make an appointment. Yet another doctor.

I feel like such a failure with my physical therapy. I guess I am better, the pain is less. However, I don't feel like my posture has really improved. My stomach is way out and my upper back is way curved. My PT had a student the last two appointments, so we got to go through all the symptoms. I think I am an excellent example of everything that can be wrong with a back (Kyphosis, Lordosis, Scoliosis, and something is rotated - I don't quite understand this one yet). All it means for me is pain. And that I am not healthy enough yet to carry another baby.

Last Saturday was sunny, and there was all day easter egg hunts at work. ugh. I think easter is bothering me more than I thought it was.

I cried at PT today. I think it is offiicial, I have now cried everywhere that I go.

I called my mom, thinking, 'well, maybe it's my fault we're not closer. I'll try talking to her.' So, I got out that I am still in a lot of pain, and she said she wished a doctor had fixed my back when I was a kid (ya know, when SHE was the parent and responsible for taking care of me). Then, I got to hear all about her crap. Thanks. Nope, not my fault. And then she asked what we are doing for easter. ya know, cause we have so much family here. I told her "You know mom, we haven't been celebrating any holidays this year.' "Oh, really? Why not?" Mental note, don't call family when I already feel sucky.

I am battling a bird on my front porch. Well two. I think they are doves. Sunday, they built a nest on the top of the pillar, under the porch roof. In the afternoon, both were gone, so I knocked the nest down. The second day, the nest was back, so I waited until it was empty, and knocked it down again. I placed an old newspaper 'in the way'. Well, next day, they were nestled under the newspaper quite comfortably. So, then I filled the whole pillar with rolled up newspapers (in the sleeves that they land in my yard in) and a telephone book that has been sitting on the front porch for weeks (still in the plastic too). Guess who is sitting where this morning?


I guess once they choose a spot, they are pretty set on it. There's going to be eggs in their soon, then I'll have to worry about the cat getting out. Dang it.

I cried while talking to the receptionist at PT. She knows that our daughter died. Well, this cry was brewing since last night, and it just came out there. She came over and hugged me and was really there for me. **Thanks** She told me that she understood how sad I was, and that her husband divorced her cause she couldn't have kids. Jerk. The owners of the PT place also had several miscarriages before having their (I think two) kids. Maybe that's why I feel comfortable there, and why I chose that place. They have support for these kinds of super sucky things.

Last week, my PT's grandfather died, and we were talking about grief, I told him my daughter died last year (he didn't know, although I kinda said things around it). Well, turns out he and his wife have had a lot of miscarriages and no baby yet. It just makes me sad.

My PT told me to excercise to get my endorphins up. So I walked on the treadmill after my treatment. It made my back hurt, right under the last true rib. Yep, that's evil spot #1. And then I went out to the receptionist, where I proceeded to cry. My endorphins are f'd up, cause they sure didn't help.

This afternoon Triple S and I are off to the farmer's market to buy a rabbit. Yep, we are eating a rabbit on Sunday. "Hop" it makes me feel better. (See, bitter dbms can participate in holiday cheer too).

I'm Still Standing

Monday, April 6th was cold and rainy here. Overcast. Yucky and, did I mention, cold? We had an overnight freeze. I have my veggies out, and I covered many with soda bottles and milk jugs. The spring woodland wildflowers, many planted last May, are all growing like crazy spring plants do, so I covered those with old towels.. That's hoosier for you.

All I thought all day was how different it was from April 6th last year.

Now, who remembers the weather on some random date from last year?

I do. I vaguely remember the weather on the 4th and the 5th, but I clearly remember the weather, and how it actually felt, for the 6th.

It's been a year since we had the memorial service for Serenity. Sunday, April 6th, 2008 was sunny, with a gentle breeze that was almost warm. A breeze that you could feel, that made the balloons dance, but that wasn't too strong. The temperature was in the 60s, warm enough to release monarch butterflies. Monarchs that I hope made it through the crazy St Louis weather, the ups and downs, and whose progeny made it to Mexico and found a wooded area. The sun was shiny, the sky was clear. Light filtered through a fountain in a nearby lake. The outdoors smelled alive. The spring flowering trees were showing off: dogwoods, red buds, cherries and crabapples. The breeze brought me warm, scented air, and I allowed it to carry away some of my sadness, to make room for some contentedness, some peace. I surrendered to the joy that is nature.

Friends, coworkers, and family surrounded Triple S and I as we tried to honor and celebrate our daughter. Our first baby.

This year was just so very different. After all this time.

Time and randomness

Every evening when I log on, I spend all my time reading everyone else's posts that I don't have time to post myself! And, yes, I have been reading, just not commenting too often.

There are garden pictures somewhere - maybe still on the camera.

But, now I will do a tag from Azaera, mom to Sophie and Skyler.

Rules are open your sixth picture folder and post the sixth picture and give a bit of background about it. Tag 4 people.

Well, I have IPHOTO, and I am on my new computer right now. Let's see what I find:


Ah, a photo of my grandmother. This photo was taken when Triple S and I went back to my home state for my grandparents 70th (7. 0.) wedding anniversary. Knowing my grandpa, he was probably refilling at the buffet when I snapped this shot.

My aunt planned a large, surprise party for their anniversary. Everyone was coming home, from around the US. We had replied to my aunt that we were not likely to come, since our baby would be less than 2 months old, and we didn't want to drive so far with a newborn.

Needless to say, we didn't have such an excuse.

My grandmother, of course - she does have 90 years of experience! - knew something was going on for their anniversary, but couldn't get any info from my aunt and uncles. She was extremely surprised to see Triple S and I in town that weekend. I also saw my eldest cousin, a man I only remember as the sailor who's knee I sat on one Easter, when I was young enough to innocently sit on a sailor's knee (just to be clear, I was about 7, maybe 9).

It was a huge party. I know that my grandparents have lost many friends over the years. However, I think they still know more people than I do. My family is very stoic and non-emoting, but tightly knit in ways best understood with a curt nod. For example, my aunt's first husband's family was all there. My uncle committed suicide when I was young, before that time I was sitting on my cousin's knee, if memory serves me correctly. It took me awhile as a kid to figure out how I was related to all these "uncles," let alone a guy named "Beetle" - I wasn't! They are my cousins' uncles, but were always around in my life, too.

Triple S and I were ghosts at that party. And I was seeing the people that I had grown up with, most of whom I had not seen for 15 or 20 years. Maybe people remembered me as a sweet 16; surely they had all heard about my stillbirth (their stoics, but well-informed stoics). In the pictures, Triple S and I look like we had been to hell, and not exactly "back."

That's the 'short' background on that picture.



I tag: Trish, Loribeth, G$, and Mrs. Spit.