Still here

I am here. Very behind on google reader and reading your posts. I have been exhausted. Bone achingly so. Yesterday I tracked my iron intake, and I think I am not getting enough, so last night I took some iron supplement. I also switch my prenatals to the evening so I don't feel so crappy until mid-afternoon.

Today I don't feel so exhausted, but I did lose my breakfast. Ugh.

I don't know if it is the anxiety that is making me so tired. I know it doesn't help anything to feel worried, but knowing that doesn't help the feeling worried part.

Maybe I will feel better if everything is still ok at next week's appointment. Maybe, Hopefully.

I have some work to do. Maybe this afternoon. Right now, I am feeling like another nap...

Triple S is quite delighted that I feel like crap. He smiles when I tell him I am tired and laughs when I look green in the face. He thinks these are good signs. And he continues to encourage beanie to make me sick. They are ganging up on me already.

Thumpity Thumpity

The little bean has got a heartbeat!

We had the ultrasound and first doctor's appointment this week. I saw the heartbeat even on the external u/s, before the tech even said.

I was numb that day.

We met with another doctor in the MFM practice. He mentioned that we would be doing kickcounts later on. Finally, a doctor that thinks these might help! Why not the regular, old, non-high-risk doctors???

We have another appointment in two weeks. A crazy level of care.

You've got mail - not.

You know what I realized yesterday? That no one emails me anymore. I have a long list of email addresses, and all I ever get in my in box is junk, from websites I signed up for, from orders, etc.

I pay for my one email account, thinking that then people could always get a hold of me - I've had it for years now. It downlaods quite nicely to my computer, so I always have correspondence saved.

But why do I bother?

I hadn't really noticed that no one contacted me over this last year and a half, after the initial round of cards and emails. But, now, I am noticing.

I like Facebook, because you can keep tabs on the mundane, and with friends spread out all over the place, you wouldn't really know these things if you didn't live in the same town. But, few people respond to my various posts. Some email me there (which I like).

I am not really complaining, I am just noticing, wondering.

What I am to do - send a group email "Hey, I am ready to email again. I promise not to talk about dead baby stuff. But, I am also not going to tell you abut this potential bean, hopefully this sticky sticky bean, yet either. And I probably still have little interest in everyone else's unecessary dramas. Real troubles, yes, I'd like to try to be there, if I can handle it."

But, shouldn't friends check in? Don't they wonder what is going on? Do they not know what to ask?

Have any of you gotten any emails recently from people that you hadn't heard from for awhile?

Re-post: Bereavement Study

I recently participated in this study on infant loss. She is still looking for more participants. Please consider, I think her work will help change how the medical community treats us:

BEREAVEMENT STUDY

THE IMPACT OF PERINATAL LOSS ON MOTHERS

A researcher from the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology is conducting a dissertation study to learn about the loss of a singleton, a twin, a triplet, or higher-order multiple and its impact on mothers. The investigator is Louise E. Marasco, MS, clinical psychology PhD graduate student. She is requesting participation from adult mothers who have lost a baby, or more than one baby between the 28th week of pregnancy and the 28th day after birth. This study seeks mothers who have lost a baby in the last 4 years. The hope is that the information that is learned will assist health practitioners in providing comprehensive care for grieving mothers who have lost a multiple while simultaneously caring for a newborn.

If you choose to participate, the researcher will interview you by phone at a time that is convenient. You will be asked to complete several questionnaires about how you are adjusting and coping with the loss of your child. The questions are designed to help us better understand your experiences following the death of your child. Your individual responses will be kept completely confidential. Participation in this study will take approximately 2 hours and will be at no cost to you.

If you are interested in participating in this study please contact:

Louise Marasco, MS
Principal Investigator

(503)956-6003
louise.marasco@gmail.com

Mal-functioning

Ugh.

I am not sleeping well. Today I have black circles under my eyes. When I wasn't sleeping well a few months ago, my doctor (who leans alternative, and now unfortunately went private, ie no insurance!) said it's because my kidneys are functioning at night and waking me up - so recommended that I do I detox. I did, and I did start sleeping well, after taking melatonin for a few weeks. But I am not sure I can do either in my current state.

Speaking of which, I don't feel any pregnancy nausea, which of course makes me worry. I don't know if it is just too early or if it is even more mild than in my first pregnancy. The first pregnancy I was slightly queasy and had a constant, but mild, headache for the first trimester.

So, overall I am a big ball of worry. And my appointment isn't until next week. How long does this whole thing last? Oh yeah, 40 weeks.

And I should have slept last night, we gardened in the am, it was so hot this weekend, we went swimming, I baked zucchini bread - I was active yesterday and stayed up late on Saturday. I should be tired enough to sleep.

Now I feel too tired to start working, maybe I should go take a nap...

Bounty

Thank you all! I was glad to see some lurkers, even! I emailed those early commentors if they have an email listed on their blogger profile, so if you were an early-to-the-party commentor on the guess what post and didn't receive an email from me, please check you junk box, looking for an email from my .mac account.

To those of you who asked how far along am I - not very. I just POAS on Sunday (and got a faint-cn't even-see-it -in-the-photo line, that was convincing enough for me, but not Triple S. He got all weak in the knees when he saw the second one (even with the advanced warning and the late period).

I am so lucky and honored to have you all walking beside me on this journey! Thank you all. I hope this one sticks - I am being optimistic at this point.

In lieu of more 'ifs' and 'hopes' and worries that we can't answer, I thought I would share some harvest photos. Now, I am not complaining, but please note my current lack of cooking space! I plan to can (stewed tomatoes - many more are on the vine!- and Giardiniera) on Friday.

Blackberries, grown at the community garden for all the gardeners there (I am helping take care of three beds and two common areas):



Which yielded this: which Triple S thinks is too tart, but loves the GF crust!


Current veggie payload:(See the V on the watermelon - I like to mark things with Triple S' initial - he gets such a kick out of it - kid)

This is mostly from the last week and a half, minus what we have eaten, including:Baked mini spaghetti squash* with ground pork, salt, pepper, tomatoes*, hot pepper*, garlic, basil* and Parmesan cheese. This is one of the first dishes I learned to cook in college, out on my own, and it is yummy. The spaghetti squash was tender and spooned right out of the rind.


*grown by me. I told Triple S that we need to go to the beach (his face instantly expressing "I want to go to the beach too' and "How can I make this happen for my wife' and 'This lady is crazy' as I finish my sentence...) so that I can harvest a gallon of sea water and make my own salt. Relief on his face as he laughs at me. But I wouldn't mind a vacation... except now is harvesting time!

And hopefully you all got the bounty/fruit of the loins connection. I hope my womb is productive this time....

If you guessed...

Then you were right!!!!!!!

Sorry Ya Chun took so long to post the update.
We're pregnant!!!!!!!
She let me tell somebody (you guys)

Guess What...

Well, any guesses?