A Miracle in the Works

As I sit and write this, I am mostly filled with shock and elation. We went to another ultrasound yesterday and received the most amazing news. For the past three weeks, we've been meeting with doctors as much as twice a week, checking for a heartbeat and essentially waiting for the baby to die, so we could deliver our stillborn girl. My mother, who is staying with us, just finished a burial gown for her to wear and I just finished knitting a blanket to bury with her. We were just about to begin contacting funeral homes.

But then a miracle happened.

Yesterday, we went in for an ultrasound expecting to see that our baby had died. What we found is still a complete shock to me. The baby has completely turned around. She has nearly doubled her size over two weeks time. (4 weeks ago she was 205g, 2 weeks ago she was 253g, but yesterday she was 420g!). The amniotic fluid, which had been 3-5 cm for the last four weeks was 12.7 cm!! - well into the normal 8 -20 cm amount) The doctors have had concerns about potential blockage in her intestines and swelling in her head around her brain. Yesterday there was no evidence of anything wrong with those two things. Her heartbeat was strong and she was moving all around. The technician pointed out several factors that indicated that she is growing and thriving. "Her bladder is full, her belly is full, the blood flow through the umbilical cord is good, etc" "Usually when a baby is going to die, they become lethargic and slow down and the organs only do a minimal amount of work, this baby is using a lot of energy."

Is the same baby we've been watching for the past four weeks?, we thought. We were floored. We asked the doctor what could have brought upon this change. She gave two possibilities

1) I switched to a different blood thinner (heparin) in anticipation of wanting to deliver the stillborn baby quickly - perhaps the heparin has been more effective than the lovenox I was on at thinning my blood and getting nutrients to the baby - Thank you, Jill Barkdull, for suggesting the switch!!

2). prayer. Yes, she actually suggested that as the reason for the change.

I have a feeling it might be a combination of both. We know so many people have been praying for our sweet baby. It seems that Heavenly Father has answered those prayers.

We are not out of the woods by any means. There are still some very pressing concerns. While the baby has grown dramatically, she is still much smaller than she should be (about two weeks behind), so they aren't ruling out a potential chromosomal defect. Also, there seems to be a problem with her aorta (it may be thinning and another vessel is possibly picking up the slack). There's a decent chance that she may need heart surgery after delivery. But that's the point - AFTER DELIVERY! She is expected to be born ALIVE, which is something we were told would be impossible.

Also, because my placenta is still large and there is evidence of blood clots in and around it, the doctors worry that it will come to a point where the baby will have a better chance of survival in the NICU than in me.

What is next? On Tuesday, we will go to Seattle Children's Hospital to see a neonatal cardiologist. They will do a complete echo cardiogram on the baby via ultrasound to determine if indeed there really is a problem with her heart and what the prognosis might be. On Thursday, we will go to the specialists we've been going to just to check the heart rate and blood flow to the baby.

A week after that, the specialists will take another ultrasound, this time to check the baby's growth. If she reaches 500g, which we suspect she will given her recent increase, we will meet with a neonatalogist from the NICU to discuss possible delivery and survival scenarios. Essentially, they will want to monitor my blood pressure, blood flow through the umbilical cord, the baby's growth, etc to be sure that the baby is getting everything she needs. There may come a time when they will want me to stay in the hospital for constant monitoring. If my womb becomes a hostile environment, they will do an emergency c-section.

I feel like I have been walking on clouds all day. My baby that was dead, has a chance to live. She can still make it. She can still be with us. It's not perfect and there are still many risks and challenges ahead of us, but a ray of hope has burst through what has been very dark, dark clouds.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all who have called, emailed, and contacted us. Thanks to those who have helped us with meals and babysitting. We have been so grateful for everything our friends and family have done to help us during this time. I have felt the power of your love and prayers lift up our family. I know Heavenly Father answers prayer. I also know that He doesn't always answer our prayers exactly the way we want Him to and I have been accepting that fact as we have waited for our baby to die. But sometimes, miracles do happen and sometimes prayers are answered just as we would have them. We are hopeful that this is one of those times.

Please keep those prayers and love coming. We need it as much as ever. I'll keep posting updates as we get them.

Overwhelmed with Love

There really aren't words to express how grateful I am for so many of you who have reached out to me and my family during this time. There has been so much love, so many offers to help, so many kind words and every single gesture (large and small) has made such a significant impact on me. I know one of my greatest blessings right now has been the people in my life who are reaching to comfort and console. I am simply overwhelmed with love and kindness.

How else am I feeling? My emotions go every which way from hour to hour, minute to minute. Sometimes I am crying and crying and longing to hold my sweet little girl. I think about all of sweet clothes that I have dressed my three other daughters in that this baby will never wear. Other times, I read a scripture or a talk that gives me tremendous comfort and joy. I think about all of Heavenly Father's plan and how I will have this baby to cherish, just not right now.

One scripture that I memorized years ago has been on infinite loop playing in my head since all this began. It is Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy path." I just need to trust the Lord. He has a perfect knowledge, He sees the full view that I cannot see. He's in charge. I need to acknowledge his blessings; His perfect understanding and He will direct our family.

I have been thinking a lot about miracles and divine intervention - wondering when Heavenly Father decides to intercede and when He stays His hand. I believe in miracles - I know that God can move mountains. I know He can heal. But I also know that He doesn't always do that regardless of the faith of those hoping for the miracle. A recent talk given by Elder Quentin L. Cook, "The Songs They Could Not Sing" (Thank you to Cheryl for reminding me of the talk) speaks to this point exactly and reading it has given me great comfort.

I have been reminded that miscarriage and stillbirths are more common that we realize. Going through this, there were many family and friends I thought of instantly knowing that they had experienced a similar loss. I have also learned of even more friends and acquaintances who have lost babies and I had no idea. Each one that has contacted me has been so supportive. It is not a group you ever want to join, but it is a very loving, understanding group. A quote left by one such friend has touched me so much that I have decided to somehow incorporate it in our efforts to remember our baby. It is from the Prophet Joseph Smith. "The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. … The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope."

I worry about the physical challenges that I am going to face. My labors, deliveries, and recoveries with my other girls have been very challenging. They have been hard on me and my body and I don't relish going through it all again and not have a baby to make it all worthwhile. I am praying that the actual delivery will be the opposite of my past vaginal one, that it will be fast, that my epidural will work, that I won't tear because my body has rejected stitches in the past.

Sometimes I want to grieve and allow myself to feel the intense loss and other times I don't want to think about it. Instead, I want to watch a funny show, or listen to happy song and get my mind off of it. Sometimes I think of the future and feel sad knowing that there is a life in our family that we will always miss. Other times, I want to plan a fun vacation for our family to take to have something to look forward to. Sometimes I feel guilty trying to find silver linings when the clouds above me are so gray. And other times, I realize that I need those silver linings to make it through.

This is just a small measure of the emotions I have been feeling. It's been helpful to put them into words - to try to make sense of everything. I hope that later I can turn to them and remember both my great loss and my tremendous blessings.

Losing My Baby

2/18/12

"There's a grief that can't be spoken. There's a pain goes on and on..."

I am 21 weeks pregnant today. We are having our fourth girl. When we went in for our regular 20 weeks ultrasound last week, the doctors found that the placenta was twice the size it should be (4cm, rather than 2cm that it should be at this stage) and there was little amniotic fluid (5 cm, when there should be anywhere form 8cm-20 cm). The doctor believed that there was a blood clotting in the placenta that was preventing nutrients and life from getting to the baby. The baby measured about two weeks smaller than she should.

So as not to waste any time, I was immediately put on lovenox shots (a blood thinning drug) and baby aspirin to see if thinning my blood would help clear the path through the placenta so nutrients could get to the baby. I was also instructed to drink a gallon of water a day, have three protein drinks a day and essentially flood the baby with as much nutrient overload as possible.

In the meantime, they took samples (12 vials) of my blood to test whether I had any blood clotting disorders.

The shots are terrible. They sting and it's a scary thing to give yourself a shot. It took me a long time to work myself up for it the first time; though I am getting better as each day goes by. Because it's a blood thinner, I have little tiny bruises everywhere I have a shot. The sides of my stomach look horrible - little pinsize purple dots. Sometimes the bruises are larger.

I followed all of the doctor's instructions exactly. We went in a week later hoping to see some improvement.

Unfortunately, things were worse, instead of better. There was only 3 cm of amniotc fluid. The baby's heart rate was erratic (measuring from 129 to 170 within a matter of minutes). There isn't space for her to move. She's not getting any nutrients, she's not passing any fluid to create more amniotic fluid. There are just too many clots in the placenta and nothing has broken though. All of the treatment, shots and extra supplements, just aren't penetrating. The doctor told us it would be a matter of days to maybe a few weeks that we would lose the baby. Her little body is not viable and there is nothing more that can be done.

2/23/12

We have gone back twice to get ultrasounds. The news is still incredibly grim. We will lose the baby - we just don't know when.

The problems are these - the baby is too small. She should be 20 weeks 5 days - she is measuring 19 weeks 2 days (253 grams or 9 oz) The amniotic fluid is low - 4.4 cm today (should be at least 8 cm or much more). The placenta is large - much too big than it should be. There are signs of a possible blockage in the intestine, hints of a narrow aorta (though they haven't had a very good view), and hints of potential pressure on the brain.

The doctors are less convinced that the blood clotting is the reason for the problems. Instead, they believe that there may be a few different causes.

1) is a triploidy. This is all new to me, but it means that instead of having two sets of 23 chromosomes, the baby has three sets - another 23 chromosomes - a total 69 chromosomes. This is "incompatible with life," at least that's how its phrased. Most end in spontaneous miscarriage, few in stillborns, and a tiny amount in live births that last just days. There is no cure, no cause, just a freak combination of chromosomes.

2) is trisomy 13 or 18. Here there is an extra chromosome either on the 13th or 18th set within the cell. Again, nearly always fatal - no cure. The doctor did fairly confidently rule out Downs Syndrome, which is trisomy 21.

3) a virus that could be causing the symptoms. I had blood drawn today to test for that. There is a treatment they can give me, but they think it might be too late.

Either way, no matter the diagnosis, the doctors believe we will lose the baby in a matter of weeks, that she will not reach the third trimester, that she will not be viable. Our plan is to go to the doctor weekly to check for a heartbeat. When the baby has died in utero (which is the expected outcome) they will induce labor and I will deliver her.

We are heartbroken, but I will save my thoughts for a different post.

Back when I used to blog

Back when I used to blog I had time. I don't know if I necessarily have less time now, but I use a lot of my time being with my kids. See Annie stopped napping and well, that was it. I am having a hard time reconciling making my kids have time alone and making sure that I am spending time with them. Mostly, I just spend time with them because I feel guilty ignoring them. So by the time they go to bed at night, all I want to do sleep or sit on the couch. But what I really do is try to do all of the chores I avoided during the day because it's just easier to do at night (grocery shopping being at the top of the list). So the blog has taken a back seat lately and that's just how it is.

But my mother emailed and asked to see updated pictures of Leah and I realized I have let it go too far. Perhaps I can blog once a week. I don't know, but I do need to do better for the sake of my parents and Matt's parents too.

So here's a picture to enjoy of my sweet little girls. They are outdated because I haven't managed to get pictures off our camera since before Christmas, but there you have it.

My Apologies to Rocket

We did a role play of the war in heaven using various stuffed animals for family home evening on Monday. Here was the cast:

Heavenly Father - a carebear
Jesus - an elephant
Satan - rocket (from the Little Einsteins)
the multitude of heavenly hosts - various Disney characters

It made for an interesting object lesson and I think they girls actually got something out of it. But I feel bad because the next day the girls were still referring to Rocket as Satan. I may have forever criminalized him. Rocket, my deepest apologies.

For Lissa

One of my few readers has complained and I have heard her pleas to update my blog. I've been going through a rough patch where I have been overwhelmed and too busy to get anything other than the essentials done. I think having three kids has finally caught up with me. And it's a combination of a few specific factors.

1. Annie has stopped napping completely, and has perfected her tantrums due to the lack of sleep.
2. Leah is moving around now, so she requires more of my attention. It also doesn't help that she usually only naps two hours in a day.
3. Ellie and Annie's preschools do not overlap, so I don't have time with just Leah alone, which would be fabulous.

I think I could handle things a little better if Ellie were in kindergarten, then I'd just have the two kids at home most of the time. But having three little ones at home all of the time has challenged my parenting skills to the limit. Why, oh why wasn't Ellie born two months earlier?

On the other hand, I'm glad that Ellie will be one of the oldest in her grade. And I'm glad that her sisters are only going to be two and four years behind her in school. I just need to get through this one year of craziness.

But I have to stop this post because it has taken me 30 minutes to write because I had to stop to console Leah from falling on the stairs (only one step, thank goodness), and put Leah down for her nap. And I really shouldn't ignore Annie anymore.

So there you go, Lissa. I will write again, maybe not until I have two kids at home with me. We'll just have to see.

Apple and Blackberry Picking

The Saturday that we got back from the beach, we ended up going apple picking. It kind of reminded me of living in Boston where apple picking is a big deal. We went to a farm about an hour and half away that was really bare bones. Only gala apples were ripe so that's what we got. We also picked blackberries. The girls really got into the picking.

Ellie liked climbing the trees for apples. She especially like eating the fruits of her labor.

Annie was our champion blackberry picker. She was really intent and determined.

How cute is Leah?

Matt decided to use our blackberries to make a blackberry. He found a recipe with his favorite iPhone. And viola! It was reportedly absolutely wonderful. (I wouldn't know, I don't like blackberries, so I didn't have any). But Ellie said it was the best dessert ever, even better than strawberry and that's saying something because she LOVES strawberries.

And the pie.