Weird Ass Shape

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Staying Away

Dear Zach,

I'm having hard time to stay away from Facebook. Probably I am in fear of missing out. Although I have filtered my following page list down to 10, I still can't help myself but to hover the mouse over "Reel" section and enjoy the constant dopamine of some random hot fitness influencers talking about things that I have already known. As soon as I realize I am in endless bottomless scrolling, I close the tab and stare at the screen in blank. I usually hop between netflix and youtube and facebook.

I have deleted Facebook app from my phone. But there are times my hand habitually grab my phone and scroll away for FB app. It gonna take some times getting used to. My phone has zero social media apps now. The only way access to FB is using my laptop - that will be soon I am gonna set a time limit for its usage. I watch about going analog on Youtube - interesting take about staying away from screen time and get back into how we used to live in the 2000s.

I broke my sex dry spell today with a regular top of mine. I wasn't keen in meeting him but since he was okay to meet at the cheap motel, so I met him up to get a good pound. The rooms at the cheap motel were fully booked. To be fair, I rarely come to this motel on Sunday afternoon. Just when I thought we weren't gonna make it, the receptionist guy told me there was a bigger room left at the price of RM40 for 2 hours, just RM10 extra on top of the regular room I always go for. We went for it. I felt like the sex was different this time. I was pretty sure that I was no longer sexually into him anymore - this sex proved it. His dick is not big enough to satisfy me. That's why.

  

Surrender

Dear Zach,

I've always been in loathe of paying my annual insurances. When I became a working adult, my dad passed over all my insurances that he was holding and paying on behalf of me all these years.

"Welcome to working adult, here's your insurances, good luck paying them." He said. 

Every year I have to pay a sum of estimated RM1700-1800 for insurances including for my car and health coverage. It sets my teeth on edge whenever I see the sum of it. I was planning to exclude my health insurance coverages few years back but my late mum advised me not to do so. Hence, I kept on paying it til last year.

Last two weeks, the bills came and I was starting to wonder if it's worth paying all this money as for just-in-case. Since I am not working, I would rather keep the money for my own good. I talked to my dad about it. I told him if things happened, just sent me to government hospital for treatment. I was expecting him to be overreacted of my thought about giving up paying. But, what he said next surprised me.

"Well, you do not need to pay for your health insurance then. After all, it was meant for you when you intend to go for treatment in private hospital." He said nonchalantly. It is true, my premium has been gradually increasing in each passing year as you age. 

So, that left with my car insurance coverage that costs RM500.

I wonder if I make the right decision. 

Like A Virgin

Dear Zach,

It has been exactly one month since I last had sex. To my own surprise, I have not been thinking about it all. Although there are times I was horny, I get myself sorted during shower. There were a few nights I wanted to booty call someone to my place, then I thought to myself that the post-sex cleaning up does not worth the hassle. After all, I need my 8-hours sleep. One of the pakistanis top texted me again after ghosting me for 3 months. I was really tempted to answer his text and be at his place for a quick fuck as he always do. But I decided to ignore him just to remind me that he only finds me when there is no one else available for him, despite the fact that I miss his big dick a lot.

I can feel my orifice is getting tighter due to prolonged unused. Like my layer of virginity is starting to grow back from the beginning of the new year til date. Everything about me starting afresh - getting my sexual health tested and treated, and not installing Grindr when I feel extremely horny. 

Somehow, I failed in controlling myself endlessly scrolling bottomless feed in FB reels. That needs to stop for real.

 

Clap

Dear Zach,

I still keep in touch with this 23 y.o Malay guy for the past few months since we met in last October. Our sex was still good. Somehow he tend to cum quicker these days. We now always meet at the cheap motel where it caters convenience for both of us. Our last meet up was exactly one month ago, it was our 3rd time meeting up. I did plan to meet up again for new year eve sex but he had plans.

Last night, he texted me out of the blue. Telling me he has gonorrhea and I should get tested. After a few questioning with him, he was very sure he got it from me. He has green penile discharge on Tuesday, and went for a check on Wednesday, and doctor was sure of it that it is gonorrhea.

I am pretty sure I have no symptoms or whatsoever, and probably asymptomatic in this case. I told him I'll get myself checked later. My last STD checkup was in 2022 - the results came out wasn't as "clean" as I thought. I got tested positive for herpes 1 and 2. But doctor mentioned that herpes is pretty much common in people to contract both of them unless they don't have sex. 

After gym, I left for a blood testing laboratory for STD checkup. I was introduced a screening package for a STD profile, but it does not include testing for gonorrhea. In fact, they don't even have individual testing for gonorrhea itself. This is news to me. After all these years of blood testing for STD, gonorrhea, the most common type of STD, is not part of STD profile for screening.

I left and went to a private clinic I usually go to. I told the doc about my predicament. She patiently explained to me that testing for STD can be very expensive. She went to the back and checked for the price for me. After a few minutes, she returned and told me the price for STD checkup including gonorrhea is RM400. It is way over my budget and I told her I can't afford it, I asked if she could just prescribe me antibiotic instead. She agreed to my request and also kind enough gave me an injection, since I skipped the blood testing, as a treatment for chlamydia.

The total cost of treatment is just less than RM100. I let out a huge sigh of relief for skipping a hefty amount for testing. In my current situation, I can't afford it. Oh! I did my 3-months HIV free testing on Tuesday and I am clean. 

PED effect

Dear Zach,

Last few days, my fb newsfeed has been popping out news about some fitness bodybuilders with an impressive physique but dead at 30. Some were 40. What they have in common is that their physique are competitively ready for stage, big and chiseled, strikingly good-looking, but most of them did not live past 40. As expected when I read the comments, all blamings resort to the overuse of performance enhancing drugs (PED).

It is, in fact, that most heart-relating disease is largely induced by the use of PED. Some claims it isn't. But what you can conclude when a person was on strict diet and training regime can die from being healthy while the fat and obese men live past 40s and still eating shitty food?

It comes as no surprise the negative side effect of using PED. Somehow, there are plenty of youngsters jump on the bandwagon and injecting themselves because they can't wait to train for another 10 years just to get a mid physique. I blame social media for that. I even came across one gym goer in my gym, he shared his PED regime with me.

Sometimes I wonder if it is worthwhile risking your health just for that kind of attention?

Anxious

Dear Zach,

I was anxious about looking for jobs. I have been looking into it and certainly out of the loop in job searching for so many years. Linkedin is the primary source for job searching nowadays. Back in the days, Linkedin for me was just another social platform for a bunch of self-glorified and narcissistic people to brag their achievement on how they helping out their poor employee and gaining success from there. Soon enough, I realized all these people were just as fake as press on nails.

I tried to look into some job hunting websites and am very surprised by the demand of being active in social media. Most of the job ads I come across with are either Tiktok Live Promoter or Social media marketing exec or some sort. It is all about being active and shake your ass on these toxic social media platform that could likely land you a job.

I have no X, Tiktok, or IG, and certainly do not possess any of the criteria that fits in the job description. I gave up looking for it. I look into part-time job instead. But most of it require you to be bound for months and the working hours are just one or two hour less than working for full time. I wonder if they understand what it means by part time job.

I even thought about returning to working as Grab driver. Since I have my car, I could do it for the time being. It is just that I am worried about my safety and the condition of my car since I prefer driving passenger at night. I did work as Grab Driver years back before I worked for sex. I did it for a month before the government imposed strict rules for e-hailing drivers.

Or I could go back to one of the gym that I used to work. I could temporarily work as counter reception rather than working as trainer.

I don't know, the more I think about it, the more anxious I am.   

   

Anger

Dear Zach,

For the past few days, I have been in a very bad mood. I was unsure how my anger surfaced out of the blue. I was literally upset at almost everything in my eyes of view. It was probably triggered by the sight of one of the neighbor cars, parking at the corner narrow lane of the road, blocking half of the road as we knew the car would be staying put there forever. Other cars rarely passes by that road. It angers me not because of that, it angers me because what kind of family who needs 3 fucking cars in a compact household where each porch only can fit 2 cars, one at the back and one at the front. What worst is one of the cars is old and unused, tossing aside on the road and rendering inconvenience for others. This is why I really can't stand with Malays. In fact, I am kind of despise them after much incidents happened to me in relating to their race.

The unspoken anger harboring inside me finally exploded, I threw a fit at home because of that. My dad was perplexed as he was in the middle of watching Netflix. The more I thought about it, the more angrier I became. It even come across my mind that I would purposely scratch the car when I drive by. The next day, I thought I was over it. I tried my hardest not to think about it. Somehow my anger didn't seem to dissipate. I drove to the back of my house to pick up the used gasoline tank, it is the only way that I would have to pass by the narrow road and the car. I rolled down my window as I was nearing the car, our gap was as close as 2cm apart. I could do it. I can do it. I brought myself to bring out a 50cent coin and reached out the window. I almost did it. As I was closing in, I froze - a part of myself stopping me, as if internally telling me this is wrong to do. Feeling like an idiot almost caught in act, I retreat and drove away. A part of me was thinking I should have done. But I was relief I didn't do it.

Now come to think of it, I believe my imminent anger was built up due to the anxiety I have when I started seriously looking for jobs in the last few days. I will write about this in next post.