Easter, Death, and Life

This post just showed up in my Facebook feed, and I realised I once again forgot the date. It seems like it shouldn't be that hard, but I guess dates have never been my strong suit anyway. 

It's curious to look back on that experience with Mom and wonder if I'm getting any better at this. Does one actually get "better" at doing things like grief? No, I doubt it. Every loss and every person is different.

It feels strange to be sitting here, on a tropical holiday, while Dawn is back in the US taking care of K-onna's body and estate and stuff and all of that. And I can't do anything to help. And I didn't cancel this holiday, even though we literally left on the plane four hours after K-onna died. I found out while I was in the middle of getting grumpy at Koa for not packing his swim shirt yet. 

It feels wrong in some ways, but those ways are largely because I know it looks wrong from the outside. I'm quite certain there are people appalled that I'm on holiday right after my sister died.

But on the other hand, it doesn't feel wrong at all, not internally. I didn't cancel because what could I do if I cancelled? Nothing but sit around and be miserable. And K-onna would be so mad at me for that. She would be mad at the very idea that I'd stay home when I could be out celebrating life and drinking a non-alcoholic umbrella drink on a beautiful beach. So I'm sitting out on the sand, staring at the waves and watching the kids play and alternately having a marvelous time and also crying because I miss her. 

I miss her more than Mom or Dad, to be honest, which is a whole different muddle. I miss all the things she wanted to do on earth and never got to. So many things she didn't do because she was taking care of me. I miss all the times in the future when I'll get a line from a movie stuck in my head and I won't be able to call and ask her to help me remember what movie it was. I miss knowing I can call her and plot out our next story together. I'm sad that I didn't finish our novel before she died (it's still in the works, getting closer, but I meant to be done before now). I want to steal more story ideas from her, have her come up with plots, and have me write them. I'm sad I don't get another "Chickens in My Shower Cap" song.

And then, as I think that, I suddenly feel sure that I will in fact get another silly song from her someday. Because I know she lives on, and I'm confident that weird, quirky sense of humour and all her really great meter and rhyme didn't die with her body. And maybe she'll be willing to occasionally send angels down to whisper a fantastic plot idea in my ear. And if not, I at least have her files that she shared with me a few weeks ago, all the little scraps of story ideas she never got around to.

It's Easter time again, and if nothing else, I'm grateful both Mom and K-onna died at this time of year. There's been solace this week in reading that "surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows," that "He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from off all faces." It doesn't make the sadness go away, not at all, but it does feel like it's a little bit easier to manage.

I'm grateful for Easter and for the promise of good things to come and for the comfort while I'm sad. And I'm grateful for drinking fresh coconut water from the coconut and watching hermit crabs skitter on the sand and trying not to melt from the humidity. 

It should also be noted that in grateful most of our luggage (which got left behind somewhere in Australia) has finally showed up and I at least have deodorant again. Sometimes it's the little things.

Turning Forty

This is the year I turn forty.

via GIPHY

I don’t feel bad about that, don’t feel like I’m losing my youth or anything (demonstrably I’m a lot less mature than many a forty-year-old anyway). Actually, I’m rather excited, and I have plans that I need your help with. But first, the explanation:

***

On the way home from another woman’s fortieth birthday bash recently, Brice turned to me and asked, “What do you want for your fortieth birthday?”

And I wasn’t sure what to answer.

I can usually buy for myself most of the “stuff” that I want. And the things that I can’t buy—time, patience, sleep, etc.—can be carefully worked in to life but can’t really be given as gifts. (Though Brice is always excellent at working in extra time for naps and alone time around my birthday.)

Parties? Gifts? What did I really want?

***

A couple years back on Twitter (I think) I saw someone make a comment about how women turning forty come into their powers and should celebrate by running wild with the wolves, that sort of thing. And for a while I kind of envisioned doing something immense and wacky for my fortieth. But to be honest, I’m not a run-naked-in-the-moonlight kind of gal (plus, egad, all the prickles here! and the summertime snakes! no running naked in the bush, thankyouverymuch).

I spent a lot of time wondering what I really did want to do. What would make me the happiest? I have lots of swirling thoughts, but I have condensed some of them down to a few actionable items, and I need your help to make them happen.

 

So what do I want?

I want to support my friends in their creative endeavors.

I want to support the creation of things that bring beauty into the world.

I want to support things that bring joy into the world.

I want to be a creator of some of that joy—or at least contribute to its creation.

 

 

Here’s how you can help:

via GIPHY

 

1. Sell me something beautiful. Or charming. Or quirky and fun. Are you a maker of something? Crafts? Art? Photography? ... Something else? (Not books, we’ll get to books in a minute.) I want to know about things that you (or your children or spouse) make. Or I guess I’d also accept things that someone you know makes, if you think they’re wonderful (but I want to stick to people I’m closely connected to; don’t just tell me about a cool creator you ran across on Youtube).

Tell me about the thing you make. Give me a link (if you don’t have an online store, send me a picture!). I can’t buy everything, of course, but I can buy some things. So tell me so I have lots of options to choose from! As a sidenote, I’d especially love to hear about why you create what you do—this isn’t a sales pitch, I am just excited to hear your stories.

2. Author friends: Tell me about your favorite book by a different author friend. I have no doubt your books are amazing (and, given that I buy a LOT more books than I ever manage to read, I probably have already bought one of your books), but I want to hear you brag about books by your friends this time around.

3. Tell me about a mutual friend who could use a gift. In theory, I could be buying several items, and I may not be keeping them all. Who knows? (Not me. I have no idea if this idea is going to really explode or totally tank.) But, as my 13yo decided this year for her birthday, I want to at least sort of celebrate “hobbit style” (by giving gifts to other people). So who needs some extra love via a silly small gift? (Tell me this privately please, via messenger or email or something).

4. Make a video and share your love of simple things! Are you a pet rock enthusiast? Do you love telling people about your favorite dinosaur? Have you just been waiting for someone to ask you about how to ___________? Now’s your chance! Pretend I asked, and send me a short video (1–3 minutes) about something you adore, something that excites you, something you think is just plain wonderful.

It doesn’t have to be professional or fantastically edited or anything nifty. Just something you love. I really, really want to hear about it.

 

So, if you are inclined to help me celebrate my fortieth birthday in the way that would make me ever-so-happy (and will hopefully make you happy too), then help me out! 

via GIPHY

Fifteen Years

2005: Oh frabjous day!

2006: A great catch.

2007: Wow, we had so many trinkets!

2008: With last year's new addition.

2009: Baguette!

2010: Another excellent addition.

2011: It was shockingly hard to find a picture of just the two of us for this year!

2012: Ah, Guatemala!

2013: He's loved me through a lot of different hairstyles.

2014: Do we produce cute children or what?

2015: Under my clematis archway. *love*

2016: Finally a half dozen.

2017: We're just so adorable.

2018: I can no longer hide the horns.

2019: We loved that cherry tree.

2020: Don't go in the water or you'll get eaten by salties.

I'm so grateful for fifteen years so far. He's loved me through all my hairstyles, all the weird fashion choices, all our vacations, every time I forgot something rather important or mixed up the dates, four children (with all their ups and downs), more NaNoWriMos than I recall for certain, a whole bunch of writing conferences, at least one deeply unfortunate job, and everything in between. 

Wisdom from Our Addra

(Essentially I copied this from where I originally posted it on Facebook.)

Okay, this is partially a braggy post about how great my 9yo is. But it’s also partially a really great bit of wisdom (from her). So if you want to skip the braggy bit, just go down and read the last three paragraphs. You’ll be glad you did.

In our church, members of the congregation are asked to speak on various topics (we don’t have paid clergy who preach every week). Our family was asked to speak this week—whoever we wanted from the family. So we went home and discussed it and decided that Brice, the 12yo, and I would speak. The 9yo at that time didn’t feel like she wanted to.

Fast forward to this morning, sitting in church before the meeting started, and the 9yo leaned over and said, “Who’s speaking?”

I told her and then ask, “Did you want to speak?” I fully expected her to say no.

She kind of nodded and said, “Maybe.”

So we figured we could give her the space to do it. She tried her talk on Brice while we were sitting there, and then when the time came, she just went right up and gave that talk. No prompting or help from us, except for one small comment from Brice before she did it. And her talk was beautiful and sweet and just perfect coming from her.

I am in awe of this child sometimes. I don’t understand her half the time; she is a mystery—the way her mind works, the things she thinks about, the way she sees the world. But sometimes she pulls back the curtain a bit, and I get to see the incredible soul that she is inside, and I’m so grateful for that. I’m grateful that our Heavenly Parents entrusted her to our family, because she’s something pretty special.

And now for the talk (this is obviously just my basic summary, not word-for-word). She went up and talked about a time recently when she took a bunch of little scraps of fabric from our fabric bin and she put them together and made them into something that brought her happiness and that she has been able to enjoy and play with. She could have just cut the scrap fabric up, and that would have been fun and she would have been happy, but then a few minutes later it wouldn’t matter at all. She encouraged and invited the congregation to use our scraps of time in doing things that will bring long-term happiness into our lives.

She said that you could just eat a piece of chocolate cake sitting out on the counter and you would be happy about it for a few minutes, but it wouldn’t matter for very long. Or you could spend that time cooking something that you could then share with a neighbor, and it would make you happy and that happiness would last for longer.

So, my friends, use your scraps of time in things that will bring you and those around you some long-lasting happiness. Wisdom brought to you by my daughter, who made this doll with her scraps of fabric. (I'll add a photo when I have it.)

Divine Nature: A Final Note

Whew! When I started out on this, I thought it would take an hour or two to type up, arrange, and post. That was a vast underestimate. Thank you to anyone who actually stuck with me and read along as I shared some of my thoughts about principles that are, to me precious. I hope you got a little something out of it too. (And I’d love to hear if something struck you in particular or if you really want to add something!)

I have learned a great deal from this experience. First, the reading with a focus—it changed the way I read, and “focus” is indeed the perfect descriptor for it. I thought more and paid more attention as I read with one single question in mind. Second, the compilation. Typing it all up was a reminder of what I’d read and how much I’d gotten out of the reading.

And finally, the organization and sharing of thoughts. It was surprisingly difficult to decide how to arrange things, how it all made sense in my brain. But as I did it, I felt like I gleaned more understanding. I saw themes and threads running through the stories, repetitions and points I hadn’t really thought about much before. I saw relationships between aspects and stories that I hadn’t noticed previously.

One thing that struck me as well, that I haven’t mentioned yet, is that God gave us these traits—but we decide what we will choose to develop and how we will use them. There are several stories in the scriptures where people have used wonderful, divine traits to evil ends (see Alma 48:5 and Eth. 10:11, for example). As humans, we are a weird mix of qualities and often contrary uses of our divine natures.

Still, I’m grateful to know that we are children of Heavenly Parents, that they love us. And, because I truly do believe that we are their literal spiritual children, I know we can grow up to be like Them. We are far away from that—we’re toddlers, really—but each day can be a step in Their direction. I believe that. I hope you do too.

Part 6: Joyful Living

Hooray! We come to the end of my categories of divine nature with one of my favorites! Finding joy in life. I think there is so much emphasis these days (and maybe always, but I’ve only lived through the last almost 40 years, so I can’t speak to more than that) on negative things. I absolutely love that we have amazing examples of joy and enthusiasm and happiness, even in the midst of terrible circumstances. I am grateful that we can develop divine aspects of living with joy.

This year I’m working on that a lot. Maybe I’ll share some details on that later, but the short version is that all of my vision and goal statement for the year involve joy and delight. It’s something that I’m finding I actively have to cultivate more and more as responsibilities weigh heavily, as my body gets older, as our children’s struggles gets harder, as life gets more complicated. I actively have to return to this place of joy in every circumstance.

I’m grateful that I now have a small list of beautiful examples to remind me of how to get there.

·         Enthusiasm (3 Ne. 19:2).

·         Sincerity—“fools mock”; the wise do not need to mock to feel strong, they can be sincere (Eth. 12:26).

·         Delight/Joy in the gospel, in Christ, in life: “my soul delighteth in [Isaiah’s] words” (2 Ne. 11:2; see also Alma 4:13–14). (Related: 1 Ne. 16:32, Alma 55:19).

·         Sense of wonder, appreciation of amazing things (3 Ne. 11:1).

·         Capacity for grief—over your own and others’ sins, over the sorrows of others, etc. Nephi mourns for the wickedness of the people, even as he continues to try to help them (Hel. 7:11; see also Mos. 5:15).

·         Willingness to suffer for Christ (Alma 4:13–14).

·         Joy and fortitude in the face of sadness—“my heart has been filled with sorrow because of their wickedness, all my days; nevertheless, I know that I shall be lifted up at the last day” (Morm. 2:19). What is more like God than living joyfully despite sorrow at seeing the terrible choices that people sometimes make?

·         Finding and receiving blessings in any circumstances—“blessed are ye when men shall revile you and persecute...for my sake” (3 Ne. 12:11).

·         Submitting cheerfully to difficult situations (Mos. 24:15, Alma 1:25).

·         Patience (Alma 38:3).

·         Enduring gratitude—“when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord” (Eth. 6:9; see also Mos. 2:4).

Part 5: Courage and Power

On the other hand, sometimes following God and being like our Heavenly Parents requires boldness and loudness too. It’s not always quiet. And even the quiet goodness sometimes requires great courage and power. So I love these traits because I feel like God has given us the ability to do rockstar things! We can be powerful and brave and strong because we are like our Heavenly Parents.

To me, there are two broad categories here: courage (which most often includes doing things we’re afraid to do but that are right) and power (which involves knowing how and when to use power righteously).

Also, a special shoutout to Moroni’s courage below—refusing to deny his beliefs, even if it would kill him. And a special shoutout to all who have done that throughout history. I mean, wow.

·         Boldness, bravery, daring (Mos. 22:11, Moro. 8:21).

·         Courage, strength to work toward bravery—“they hushed their fears” (Mosiah 23:28). Samuel spoke despite knowing the people didn’t want to hear him (Hel. 13:5). “They put to death every Nephite that will not deny the Christ. And I, Moroni, will not deny the Christ” (Moro. 1:2–3). (See also Alma 53:20–21.)

·         Speaking truth boldly—“know ye not that I speak the truth? Yes, ye know that I speak the truth” (Mos. 12:30).

·         Power in Christ to do “whatsoever thing is expedient” (Mor. 7:33; see also Mos. 5:15).

·         Righteous use of power—“I, Pahoran, do not seek for power, save...to preserve the rights and the liberty of my people” (Alma 61:9).

·         Additional power when fighting for a just cause—they were “inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church” (Alma 43:45).