Turning Forty

This is the year I turn forty.

via GIPHY

I don’t feel bad about that, don’t feel like I’m losing my youth or anything (demonstrably I’m a lot less mature than many a forty-year-old anyway). Actually, I’m rather excited, and I have plans that I need your help with. But first, the explanation:

***

On the way home from another woman’s fortieth birthday bash recently, Brice turned to me and asked, “What do you want for your fortieth birthday?”

And I wasn’t sure what to answer.

I can usually buy for myself most of the “stuff” that I want. And the things that I can’t buy—time, patience, sleep, etc.—can be carefully worked in to life but can’t really be given as gifts. (Though Brice is always excellent at working in extra time for naps and alone time around my birthday.)

Parties? Gifts? What did I really want?

***

A couple years back on Twitter (I think) I saw someone make a comment about how women turning forty come into their powers and should celebrate by running wild with the wolves, that sort of thing. And for a while I kind of envisioned doing something immense and wacky for my fortieth. But to be honest, I’m not a run-naked-in-the-moonlight kind of gal (plus, egad, all the prickles here! and the summertime snakes! no running naked in the bush, thankyouverymuch).

I spent a lot of time wondering what I really did want to do. What would make me the happiest? I have lots of swirling thoughts, but I have condensed some of them down to a few actionable items, and I need your help to make them happen.

 

So what do I want?

I want to support my friends in their creative endeavors.

I want to support the creation of things that bring beauty into the world.

I want to support things that bring joy into the world.

I want to be a creator of some of that joy—or at least contribute to its creation.

 

 

Here’s how you can help:

via GIPHY

 

1. Sell me something beautiful. Or charming. Or quirky and fun. Are you a maker of something? Crafts? Art? Photography? ... Something else? (Not books, we’ll get to books in a minute.) I want to know about things that you (or your children or spouse) make. Or I guess I’d also accept things that someone you know makes, if you think they’re wonderful (but I want to stick to people I’m closely connected to; don’t just tell me about a cool creator you ran across on Youtube).

Tell me about the thing you make. Give me a link (if you don’t have an online store, send me a picture!). I can’t buy everything, of course, but I can buy some things. So tell me so I have lots of options to choose from! As a sidenote, I’d especially love to hear about why you create what you do—this isn’t a sales pitch, I am just excited to hear your stories.

2. Author friends: Tell me about your favorite book by a different author friend. I have no doubt your books are amazing (and, given that I buy a LOT more books than I ever manage to read, I probably have already bought one of your books), but I want to hear you brag about books by your friends this time around.

3. Tell me about a mutual friend who could use a gift. In theory, I could be buying several items, and I may not be keeping them all. Who knows? (Not me. I have no idea if this idea is going to really explode or totally tank.) But, as my 13yo decided this year for her birthday, I want to at least sort of celebrate “hobbit style” (by giving gifts to other people). So who needs some extra love via a silly small gift? (Tell me this privately please, via messenger or email or something).

4. Make a video and share your love of simple things! Are you a pet rock enthusiast? Do you love telling people about your favorite dinosaur? Have you just been waiting for someone to ask you about how to ___________? Now’s your chance! Pretend I asked, and send me a short video (1–3 minutes) about something you adore, something that excites you, something you think is just plain wonderful.

It doesn’t have to be professional or fantastically edited or anything nifty. Just something you love. I really, really want to hear about it.

 

So, if you are inclined to help me celebrate my fortieth birthday in the way that would make me ever-so-happy (and will hopefully make you happy too), then help me out! 

via GIPHY

Fifteen Years

2005: Oh frabjous day!

2006: A great catch.

2007: Wow, we had so many trinkets!

2008: With last year's new addition.

2009: Baguette!

2010: Another excellent addition.

2011: It was shockingly hard to find a picture of just the two of us for this year!

2012: Ah, Guatemala!

2013: He's loved me through a lot of different hairstyles.

2014: Do we produce cute children or what?

2015: Under my clematis archway. *love*

2016: Finally a half dozen.

2017: We're just so adorable.

2018: I can no longer hide the horns.

2019: We loved that cherry tree.

2020: Don't go in the water or you'll get eaten by salties.

I'm so grateful for fifteen years so far. He's loved me through all my hairstyles, all the weird fashion choices, all our vacations, every time I forgot something rather important or mixed up the dates, four children (with all their ups and downs), more NaNoWriMos than I recall for certain, a whole bunch of writing conferences, at least one deeply unfortunate job, and everything in between. 

Wisdom from Our Addra

(Essentially I copied this from where I originally posted it on Facebook.)

Okay, this is partially a braggy post about how great my 9yo is. But it’s also partially a really great bit of wisdom (from her). So if you want to skip the braggy bit, just go down and read the last three paragraphs. You’ll be glad you did.

In our church, members of the congregation are asked to speak on various topics (we don’t have paid clergy who preach every week). Our family was asked to speak this week—whoever we wanted from the family. So we went home and discussed it and decided that Brice, the 12yo, and I would speak. The 9yo at that time didn’t feel like she wanted to.

Fast forward to this morning, sitting in church before the meeting started, and the 9yo leaned over and said, “Who’s speaking?”

I told her and then ask, “Did you want to speak?” I fully expected her to say no.

She kind of nodded and said, “Maybe.”

So we figured we could give her the space to do it. She tried her talk on Brice while we were sitting there, and then when the time came, she just went right up and gave that talk. No prompting or help from us, except for one small comment from Brice before she did it. And her talk was beautiful and sweet and just perfect coming from her.

I am in awe of this child sometimes. I don’t understand her half the time; she is a mystery—the way her mind works, the things she thinks about, the way she sees the world. But sometimes she pulls back the curtain a bit, and I get to see the incredible soul that she is inside, and I’m so grateful for that. I’m grateful that our Heavenly Parents entrusted her to our family, because she’s something pretty special.

And now for the talk (this is obviously just my basic summary, not word-for-word). She went up and talked about a time recently when she took a bunch of little scraps of fabric from our fabric bin and she put them together and made them into something that brought her happiness and that she has been able to enjoy and play with. She could have just cut the scrap fabric up, and that would have been fun and she would have been happy, but then a few minutes later it wouldn’t matter at all. She encouraged and invited the congregation to use our scraps of time in doing things that will bring long-term happiness into our lives.

She said that you could just eat a piece of chocolate cake sitting out on the counter and you would be happy about it for a few minutes, but it wouldn’t matter for very long. Or you could spend that time cooking something that you could then share with a neighbor, and it would make you happy and that happiness would last for longer.

So, my friends, use your scraps of time in things that will bring you and those around you some long-lasting happiness. Wisdom brought to you by my daughter, who made this doll with her scraps of fabric. (I'll add a photo when I have it.)

Divine Nature: A Final Note

Whew! When I started out on this, I thought it would take an hour or two to type up, arrange, and post. That was a vast underestimate. Thank you to anyone who actually stuck with me and read along as I shared some of my thoughts about principles that are, to me precious. I hope you got a little something out of it too. (And I’d love to hear if something struck you in particular or if you really want to add something!)

I have learned a great deal from this experience. First, the reading with a focus—it changed the way I read, and “focus” is indeed the perfect descriptor for it. I thought more and paid more attention as I read with one single question in mind. Second, the compilation. Typing it all up was a reminder of what I’d read and how much I’d gotten out of the reading.

And finally, the organization and sharing of thoughts. It was surprisingly difficult to decide how to arrange things, how it all made sense in my brain. But as I did it, I felt like I gleaned more understanding. I saw themes and threads running through the stories, repetitions and points I hadn’t really thought about much before. I saw relationships between aspects and stories that I hadn’t noticed previously.

One thing that struck me as well, that I haven’t mentioned yet, is that God gave us these traits—but we decide what we will choose to develop and how we will use them. There are several stories in the scriptures where people have used wonderful, divine traits to evil ends (see Alma 48:5 and Eth. 10:11, for example). As humans, we are a weird mix of qualities and often contrary uses of our divine natures.

Still, I’m grateful to know that we are children of Heavenly Parents, that they love us. And, because I truly do believe that we are their literal spiritual children, I know we can grow up to be like Them. We are far away from that—we’re toddlers, really—but each day can be a step in Their direction. I believe that. I hope you do too.

Part 6: Joyful Living

Hooray! We come to the end of my categories of divine nature with one of my favorites! Finding joy in life. I think there is so much emphasis these days (and maybe always, but I’ve only lived through the last almost 40 years, so I can’t speak to more than that) on negative things. I absolutely love that we have amazing examples of joy and enthusiasm and happiness, even in the midst of terrible circumstances. I am grateful that we can develop divine aspects of living with joy.

This year I’m working on that a lot. Maybe I’ll share some details on that later, but the short version is that all of my vision and goal statement for the year involve joy and delight. It’s something that I’m finding I actively have to cultivate more and more as responsibilities weigh heavily, as my body gets older, as our children’s struggles gets harder, as life gets more complicated. I actively have to return to this place of joy in every circumstance.

I’m grateful that I now have a small list of beautiful examples to remind me of how to get there.

·         Enthusiasm (3 Ne. 19:2).

·         Sincerity—“fools mock”; the wise do not need to mock to feel strong, they can be sincere (Eth. 12:26).

·         Delight/Joy in the gospel, in Christ, in life: “my soul delighteth in [Isaiah’s] words” (2 Ne. 11:2; see also Alma 4:13–14). (Related: 1 Ne. 16:32, Alma 55:19).

·         Sense of wonder, appreciation of amazing things (3 Ne. 11:1).

·         Capacity for grief—over your own and others’ sins, over the sorrows of others, etc. Nephi mourns for the wickedness of the people, even as he continues to try to help them (Hel. 7:11; see also Mos. 5:15).

·         Willingness to suffer for Christ (Alma 4:13–14).

·         Joy and fortitude in the face of sadness—“my heart has been filled with sorrow because of their wickedness, all my days; nevertheless, I know that I shall be lifted up at the last day” (Morm. 2:19). What is more like God than living joyfully despite sorrow at seeing the terrible choices that people sometimes make?

·         Finding and receiving blessings in any circumstances—“blessed are ye when men shall revile you and persecute...for my sake” (3 Ne. 12:11).

·         Submitting cheerfully to difficult situations (Mos. 24:15, Alma 1:25).

·         Patience (Alma 38:3).

·         Enduring gratitude—“when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord” (Eth. 6:9; see also Mos. 2:4).

Part 5: Courage and Power

On the other hand, sometimes following God and being like our Heavenly Parents requires boldness and loudness too. It’s not always quiet. And even the quiet goodness sometimes requires great courage and power. So I love these traits because I feel like God has given us the ability to do rockstar things! We can be powerful and brave and strong because we are like our Heavenly Parents.

To me, there are two broad categories here: courage (which most often includes doing things we’re afraid to do but that are right) and power (which involves knowing how and when to use power righteously).

Also, a special shoutout to Moroni’s courage below—refusing to deny his beliefs, even if it would kill him. And a special shoutout to all who have done that throughout history. I mean, wow.

·         Boldness, bravery, daring (Mos. 22:11, Moro. 8:21).

·         Courage, strength to work toward bravery—“they hushed their fears” (Mosiah 23:28). Samuel spoke despite knowing the people didn’t want to hear him (Hel. 13:5). “They put to death every Nephite that will not deny the Christ. And I, Moroni, will not deny the Christ” (Moro. 1:2–3). (See also Alma 53:20–21.)

·         Speaking truth boldly—“know ye not that I speak the truth? Yes, ye know that I speak the truth” (Mos. 12:30).

·         Power in Christ to do “whatsoever thing is expedient” (Mor. 7:33; see also Mos. 5:15).

·         Righteous use of power—“I, Pahoran, do not seek for power, save...to preserve the rights and the liberty of my people” (Alma 61:9).

·         Additional power when fighting for a just cause—they were “inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church” (Alma 43:45).

Part 4: Solidness, Quiet Strength

This group of traits holds a special place in my heart. When I write fiction, these are the traits I’m most often drawn to. Lots of people love flashy characters who do big, exciting things, but I really love characters who do the work quietly, who make difficult decisions and stick by them, who take responsibility for their actions and go along being good.

This is one of the reasons I love Gilbert Blythe so much. This is also one of the reasons I love my husband so much. And these are the kind of people I hope my children will grow up to be. I hope they will be reliable and steady in the faith, quietly doing good even though it’s the loud people who often get the most attention. I hope they will realize that approval from people can be fleeting but that approval from our Heavenly Parents is forever.

·         Firmness, steadiness in the faith (Hel. 6:1, Alma 38:2). I love this one. It’s not a flashy trait, and it’s often undervalued in society. But there’s such great comfort in finding people who are steady and reliable in righteousness.

·         Steadfastness, reliability—“be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works” (Mos. 5:15; see also 2 Ne. 26:8, Alma 53:20–21, 3 Ne. 6:14). “The isles shall wait upon me, and on mine arm shall they trust” (2 Ne. 8:5).

·         Exactness in keeping commitments—“he doth remember all my commandments to execute them” (Alma 18:10).

·         Responsibility—“every man expressed a willingness to answer for his own sins” (Mos. 29:38).

·         Unselfish decision-making—the people voted against Pacumeni, so instead of making it a big ugly deal, “he did unite with the voice of the people” (Hel. 1:6).

·         Resilience, trying again—Shez “began to build up again a broken people” (Eth. 10:1)—this visual! Starting from the rubble and trying again, building again, no matter what.

Part 3: Thoughtfulness, Thinking Aspects

The Liahona, which worked to guide the Nephites
according to their faith. I imagine it required active thought
and effort to make decisions based on this guidance.

Next up are traits that I associate with the intellect. This whole category was, to me, a huge blessing to consider. As someone who has often felt lacking in all the empathy and compassionate traits of the previous category (traits that are often emphasized for women), I loved looking through these and realizing, “Hey, I’ve got some of that!” I’ve always felt more at home in intellectual pursuits than social ones, but I have often felt them to be of less “value.”

Here we are, though, with a whole wonderful list of beautiful aspects of the divine nature in us.

I’ve put them into two separate groups, and I’ve tried in my head to explain why I separated them into these two categories, but I can’t (so much for intelligent thinking, huh?). The first set is, to me, more globally about decision-making in general and our capacity to choose, while the other traits are about specific decisions and qualities that should guide us as we make decisions.

I appreciate that our Heavenly Parents care about our thinking as well as about our feeling and acting. I appreciate knowing that making intelligent, wise decisions can lead us closer to Them. I also feel so strongly about the creation of beauty and about how creativity fits into God’s plan for us, and I feel like that fits here too.

·         Discernment—“he hath given unto you that ye might know good from evil” (Hel. 14:31).

·         Agency—“he hath given unto you that ye might choose” (Hel. 14:31; see also Moro. 7:19). I’m extremely grateful for this gift.

·         Living by a higher law, not just parsing out the exact letter and doing no more than is explicitly required (3 Ne. 12:47).

·         Wisdom—in decision making (3 Ne. 3:19); in choosing when and what to speak—“as a sheep before her shearers is dumb so he opened not his mouth” (Mos. 14:7). (See also Mos. 5:15.)

·         Purpose—“the Lord hath called me from the womb” (1 Ne. 21:1).

·         Pondering and thinking (3 Ne. 17:3). We are created as thinking beings.

·         Long-term vision—Mormon compiles the scriptures believing that “perhaps some day it may profit” his son and others (WoM 1:2).

·         Preparation, strategic thinking—"I caused that there should be weapons of war made” to prepare to defend themselves (Mos. 10:1; see also Alma 43:19).

·         Industry, creativity—“we labored diligently” (Jac. 1:7; see also 2 Ne. 5:11).

·         Diligence/hard work—“the travails, and the labors, and the pains of the Jews, and their diligence unto me” (2 Ne. 29:4). “They began to bear their journeyings without murmurings” (1 Ne. 17:2). (See also Mos. 27:5, Alma 38:3.)

·         Ability to receive and follow instruction (Eth. 2:18).

·         Sense of timing—it’s okay to not do everything at the same time; “yea, then will he remember the isles of the sea” (1 Ne. 19:16).

·         Planning to defend against evil—Moroni prepares his people to defend themselves (Alma 43:19).

·         Problem-solving (Eth. 3:4)

·         Persistence and inventiveness (Jac. 5:54).

Part 2: Our Relationships with Others

Look, I know there's a foreign language
caption here. Just ignore it and focus on
Christ with the children. :)

This category contains what I see as divinity in how we treat other people and how we develop relationships. To me, one of God’s defining qualities is the ability to love people deeply, no matter what they have done or who they are. Our Heavenly Parents love each of us and see more in us than we do—and that means that They see more in others too. Including the people we don’t understand, don’t like, even hate or fear. They see potential where sometimes we only see faults.

I appreciate that quality so much—I appreciate knowing that our Heavenly Parents care about me and have patience and mercy toward me. And I have witnessed in my own life that when I try to take this divine quality into my life, my relationships are improved, my entire outlook is improved, and I feel a greater love for those around me.

·         Relating to people individually—reaching people where they are; “he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding” (2 Ne. 31:3).

·         Seeing good in others, even when they are behaving badly (Mos. 9:1)—“when I saw that which was good among [the Lamanites] I was desirous that they should not be destroyed.”

·         Joy in others’ good qualities—“I... do rejoice in the greatness of your heart” (Alma 61:9).

·         Understanding, looking beyond differences to more important matters—“now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry” (Alma 61:9). What a great example of moving on and focusing on what matters.

·         Ability to love, to have unity and no contention—“there was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people” (4 Ne. 1:15). And note, it’s not that everyone is exactly alike and thinks alike. It’s because of their love for one another.

·         Leading others to God—“Moroni... had been preparing the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God” (Alma 48:7). I couldn’t figure out exactly how to characterize this, but it feels like a trait that comes from our Heavenly Parents.

·         Teaching—he “caused that they should be taught...that thereby they might become men of understanding” (Mos. 1:2).

·         Justice (Mos. 5:15)

·         Mercy (Mos. 5:15, Alma 19:29, 3 Ne. 28:32)

·         Patience (Mos. 24:16, 3 Ne. 28:32).

·         Forgiveness—“as often as my people repent will I forgive them” (Mos. 26:30; see also 3 Ne. 28:32, Alma 61:9).

·         Equality, fairness—the judgments of God come upon all nations (2 Ne. 25:3).

·         Giving credit where it’s due—“I will not boat of myself, but I will boast of my God” (Alma 26:12)

·         Service/helping others—“he delighted in the saving of his people from destruction” (Alma 55:19); helping in various ways—comforting them, giving substance, feeding hungry (Alma 4:13–14; see also Mos. 5:15).

·         Compassion, empathy—“willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mos. 18:9; also Eth. 1:35, Mos. 9:1).

·         A deep capacity for love and concern over the souls of those you love—“I desire that ye should remember to observe the statues...of the Lord;...this hath been the anxiety of my soul from the beginning” (2 Ne. 1:16).

Part 1: Aspects That Lead Us Closer to Divinity

Seek blessings from the Lord.

I start the list with traits that are perhaps not directly godlike (for example, it doesn’t seem quite correct that Heavenly Father and Mother “rely on Christ,” and “obedience to God” it a bit redundant there). But I believe these are traits that can help us to grow up to become more like our Heavenly Parents.

I think of these as “growing up” traits. We are, essentially, children who are meant to grow up to be gods. So, just like children have to take lots of little steps in their development—they don’t come out of the womb knowing how to read, for example—we have to take little steps toward godhood. These are traits that will help us do so. I’ve also tried to loosely organize these traits in “order”—sort of building on each other, though that’s not really an exact progression.

What do I see as the biggest ones here? Belief in God’s ability to help us (trust in God, reliance on Christ) and willingness to change and grow. They are certainly the areas that I need to work on the most.

·         Seeking inspiration and answers (1 Ne. 15:8).

·         Faith (Mos. 24:16, Alma 38:2–3, Alma 53:20–21, Eth. 3:4).

·         Willingness to believe in Christ (Hel. 6:36).

·         Trust in God that He will make weak things strong—“we trust God will deliver us, notwithstanding the weakness of our armies” (Alma 58:37).

·         Reliance on Christ—“relying alone upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and finisher of their faith” (Mor. 6:4).

·         Listening to the Spirit—paying attention and speaking what the Spirit prompts (Hel. 13:5, Jac. 4:15).

·         Obedience to God (1 Ne. 16:8).

·         Capacity for growth and change—they “did humble themselves before the Lord” (1 Ne. 15:20), they changed for the better.

·         Seeking blessings earnestly—“cry again unto the Lord” (Eth. 1:36).

·         Remembering the gifts of God (Eth. 7:27).

·         Repentance (Mos. 4:2, Moro. 8:24).

·         Humility (Mos. 21:14).

·         Firm decision not to return to sin—once they repented, the people would not go to war again (Alma 24:13).

·         Receiving God’s grace—“they did abound in the grace of God” (Mos. 27:5).

·         Total change of heart, with desire to do good (Alma 24:18).

Divine Nature and the Book of Mormon: Part 0

“I have inherited divine qualities, which I will strive to develop.”

These are the words to help describe the purpose of the value Divine Nature in the Personal Progress program of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The emphasis throughout the whole program is on goal-setting, developing, and growth in a number of areas—“divine nature” being one of them.

Divine Nature is the category that I have always had the hardest time with. It’s part of a very complicated relationship I have with gender roles and what aspects of gender roles are actually a part of God’s divine plan for us and what aspects are just culture. There’s a lot that could be said on that, but I’m not going to delve into that.

Instead, I will tell you of the “wrestle which I had before God” (Enos 1:2). Or really, I will tell you how I decided to try to understand divine nature better.

To try to learn more about divine nature and what attributes and qualities we have inherited from our Heavenly Parents, I decided to re-read the Book of Mormon last Oct/Nov/Dec with a sole focus on seeking out qualities of divine nature and its examples in the scripture.

The process, honestly, was illuminating. I saw so many attributes that I would not have noticed before, but when I pondered and really asked the question, “Does this count as a godly quality that we have gained by being children of a Heavenly Father and Mother?” the Spirit said, “Yes.”

I kept a list, and it grew a little larger than I expected (as you will see). And then I tried to organize and sort them so that I could really look at and see them in myself and others.

Do I think we all have these traits equally? Of course not. For example, I feel like I lack a lot of the natural talent for nurturing and motherhood that some women seem to have in spades. But I think all of these traits are seeds that can be planted, if we choose, and that can grow into powerful traits that manifest the Divine Nature in all of us.

Because I found so many, I’ll be posting them in batches over the next few weeks. I’ve tried to categorize them, as I said, but obviously this is neither a comprehensive list nor a perfect one. This is just the way I’ve seen it as I’ve studied over the last few months.

And now, without further ado, Part 1!