I have this very old grandma, named wong yuen peng. she was a dancer and that is how she met my grandpa who is very much older than her. she is the 2nd wife and have 3 children, 2 daughter and 1 son which is my dad. youngest daughter had pass away long b4 i was born. she is also a great grandma to my children. Born on the 15July year of dragon in lunar chinese calendar and gregorian calendar on the 28August1928, and identification card stated fake birthdate 29June1928.

She was a good cook and taught my mom many delicious meals. a very yimchim cook who wants perfection with her food, example nyonya zhang must be cut and not minced. i had vague memories of her because i dont live with her. She have her own life, own community, own group of friends and relative in Muar, Johor. She enjoys playing mahjong in her early young days, enjoying her freedom and friends cooking together. She only come visits and she would sleep with me in my room and i would ask her so many questions and she would tell me so many stories from her childhood. i know she was adopted and very much loved by them. She went to school up to std3 and was kept at home to recuperate bcoz she was a very sick kid. (and yet she live up to 96 years old) She wanted to find her birth mother who was buried in Jelutong but i dont know how to help.

on my wedding she gave ma a jade pendant. i got a feeling it was not of any value, and i think she knew it too? not sure but she was very sad and hug me, cried and told me, Ama can only give u this. i know she would give more if she could , but is ok. it is from her, i love it.

When she was unable about the age of 80s she came live with dad who is also an elderly in his 60s. She was still able to walk and constantly ask dad fetch her back to Muar to visits. during CNY the relative kids she live with would get angpao from her but not me. Envy but i know sometimes relationship is sticker than blood.

Towards her aging days when she cant catch up which date or what year she still able to talk and ask questions. Each time all of us sibling go back home, melaka for some gathering or sorts, she would ask why so many ppl here. i like to tease her is CNY and ask for angpao. She often just laugh it off. didnt had much conversation with her probably only “ama jiak pa buey” “ama, wo hui jia le”

and then when she was at the age she was really old and frail, using walking frame it was a tough for her to do things. i believe to even taking shower for herself is a problem and difficult. i tried to be home and clean up for her, used to be once a mth and slowly quarterly? is also good that i help to clean her and also her bathroom indirectly also of helping dad?

the white hair i wash, the droppy cheek i wash, the very hard big ear, boney skinny hands and legs, her protruding chest bone, her back, her meatless & muscleless backside, whole body have thin and near transparent skin, nearly see tru her veins. cant scrub too hard else will bleed. it must be harder for dad who had been taking care of her for more than 10years. he never wanted to put her in the nursing home and i think his decision is wise. at least now he can say he had done all he can even with his 70 plus body, missing out all the events and gathering. i think is all worth it.

when i saw ama at the hospital bed wrapped in a white cloth, i cant breathe, she was ok the day before. she was able to complain, able to request, able to suck from the straw. she dont seems to be in trouble. friday, 21jun went to clinic having difficulties breathing straight send into icu but saturday, 22jun she was fine and in normal geriatrics ward. who wld have tot she wld sleep tru peacefully on the sunday, 23jun, 1:38pm. nurses say she didnt struggle, she didnt wake to eat, the just sleep through. Doc came and told me that he already increase her oxygen level and she still didnt manage to get through. somehow, the lung infection had cause her heart to pump harder hence causes mild heart attack and her liver had began to fail too. Dad who went to see her in the morning said she was fine and her blood pressure and oxygen is good. i didnt bother to rush, taking my time with my lunch and when i reach she was just gone. not sure if ama waitted for me or not, but i am happy i glad to see her for the last time while she is alive. probably is for the better bcoz if i were to see her pass maybe i would be devastated and i dont know how i would react. dad’s regret was he didnt get her to accept the Lord but i think he already did his best. he cried so painfully. each time i think of the moment i saw her wrap in the white cloth i can’t breathe.

it kept me thinking, where ama go after these. it make me worried and scared. i finally understand why pastor say spread the gospel and save our loved ones. it didnt get into my head, i cant connect until now, i finally realise is because when they die we really dont know where there will be. if they are going to the Lord then it will be such a relief. i really pray God have mercies, He is a forgiving God, He is love, He is grace, He will take my ama with Him.

My dad totally lost it. He can’t think, he can’t make decision. i think he somehow got lost and especially now the routine he had been doing it for the past 10years, he probably also lost his sense of purpose? not sure. but i know i got to be there and make the decision even the death cert what to write he dont know. anyway i convince him that Christian funeral will be no1 simple and cheaper, no2 all of us familiar with. If there is all the taosim or buddism ceremony we will not how to response and how to react and we dont understand as well, it is just not us. so i guess this is the best solution. dad didnt hesitate, didnt agree didnt gv any suggestion. even with the days for the wake he wasnt sure how many days he wanted it. he really was lost. i know what he was thinking, he must be thinking bcoz grandma didnt accept christ so she shld not , but i believe my God . he is love, he is compassionate, he is grace, he is forgiving, he is merciful.

dad didnt wanna call any of his pastorial friends to help with the funeral because of the same reason. i made a decision to proceed with what i believe and what i am comfortable with. i am sure that many of them are doing the same. maybe becoz it was the simplest. i didnt expect for prayers or any ceremony.

i am glad my dear friend Karen called and assure me that a simply ceremony especially b4 sending off to the cremation is necessary. Rev sim insist he want to come down despite his own daughter is having a labour. Daniel manage to move his time i guess and ps Karen came down to help conduct the worship. Special thanks to both my Reverand Sim and Pastor Karen for being there during the ceremony. they came on the Sunday which is day2 and conduct a simple prayer 830pm. i, personally for the moment felt kinda relief that finally there is people i familiar with, came and backup. come to help me. i dont need to faced it alone. and there was uncle charlie who also came and help pastor sim to drive, and there was hui keng and amanda to gv moral support. i was very blessed even with such a short time so many people manage to put aside their things and come help me. and also i think the worries of my dad not able to send ama properly was also lifted. i see he is relieve and able to put down his fear/worries and rest for a while. not so tense. probably a closure and a completed ama’s life.

cremation was at serene park, roughly around 12pm. when the coffin was being push into the burner the heart is really heavy, very heavy. knowing that thats the end. the end of the 96yo person on earth and that person is my dear grandma. 2.30pm the undertaker took her ash, or to be exact pounded bones to the jetty and we were arranged to take a boat about 10min into the sea, dad scattered her into the sea. i wish her a pleasant and smooth journey and enjoy her new life with our Heavenly father above. May her soul rest in peace

a new chapter of my parents life begins…..

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on the 1st nite after grandma passing, i am not sure i am asleep or not asleep or half asleep i saw grandma at the pathway to her room, standing there without her walking frame, not frail, standing up nicely, smiling and calling out for me, her image, her voice is so vividly clear “hui ling ah~~ ama zou le” and she turn around and walk off into the room which is also sort of bright lights? i can’t explain because i can’t see the room but i recognise the pathway. i quickly say bye bye ama without hesitate. i think God is telling me He accept her? i woke up from the dream/imagination or watever unexplainable scene sobbing badly.

maybe normal human thinks she can’t but everything depends on God. He will take charge and decide. We just need to pray and follow the path her give us. We may not know God actually came down and see her and rescue her, she accepted God in her encounter which non of us witness.