Amelia Jane: The Birth Story

I'm finally getting around to writing little Millie's birth story.  I feel like it's almost a boring story.  Everything went smoother than I could have ever imagined.  There wasn't even a slight moment of concern.  It was such a blessing.  Since Johnny died my anxiety has been at an all time high, for obvious reasons.  I probably called the doctors office every other day with a question.  I was always afraid that something would happen to me or the baby.  I wanted to try for a vaginal birth (since I had a c-section with Johnny) but I was terrified of the risks. At week 34 I had some bleeding and was dilated 3 cm and 70% effaced without any painful contractions.  By week 35 I was 4 cm and 90% effaced, again without painful contractions. This added to my worries because I have a history of fast labors.  When contractions hit it would go FAST.  I was afraid she would be born at home, in the car or in the middle of a store or something!  I didn't go anywhere alone.  I had the best doctors who supported me.  I prayed every night that the pregnancy and birth would go smooth and that it wouldn't add any more emotional trauma to what I had already gone through.  I can testify that prayer works.

I woke up sometime around 4 am the morning of October 15th feeling "wet."  Like I kept wetting my pants.  I wasn't sure what to think so I went back to sleep.  At 6 am Eva woke me up wanting me to sleep in her bed. I still felt wet and thought that was weird, so I woke up KJ and told him that I think my water was leaking and that we probably should go get checked just in case.  Everything was just so calm.  We got our stuff together and drove to my parents house to drop Eva off.  I still wasn't in any pain.  I hoped they wouldn't send me home.  I was afraid they would tell me that no my water didn't break, I just don't have bladder control anymore!

We got to the hospital and the nurse checked me.  My water was definitely broken!  She could still feel the bag bulging at the base but it was broken somewhere. I was 4 1/2 cm dilated and 100% effaced.  Baby time!  I couldn't believe it!  The nurse asked, "on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is your pain?"  Uh. . . a one. . .maybe? (a half?).  We got to the hospital at 6:45 and by 7:30 I had an epidural!  It was the best epidural ever.  I could still move around and could feel everything (pressure, contractions) I just couldn't feel any pain.   With the epidural and pillows surrounding me, I don't think I've ever been so comfortable!  

The doctor had a scheduled c-section so he left. They don't like to give VBAC patients any drugs to progress labor so I just rest and let my body do the work.  By this time I had started having a few contractions.  Modern medicine is awesome.  I love watching my contractions on the monitor and not have to feel them!  KJ and I slept and watched the latest episodes of Once Upon a Time and Modern Family.  

Our doctor came back at 9 am to break the rest of my water.  By this point I was 5 cm dilated.  After my water was fully broken things started going pretty fast.  The doctor went to do another scheduled c-section.  KJ went to go get breakfast at the McDonald's next to hospital (he was so sweet and didn't want to eat in front of me).  By 10 am I was 7 cm and then by 11 am I was a 10!  It was so surreal.  She wasn't supposed to come for another 3 weeks and here we were!  I was in shock as they wheeled the scale in to weigh her on and the doctor put a clean towel on my lap to lay her on after she was born.  The epidural was amazing because I couldn't feel any pain but I could tell exactly when I needed to push.  I pushed about 8 times and at 11:34 am our little Amelia was born!  I couldn't believe it!  The doctor laid her perfect little self on my lap. She was all swollen and bruised but healthy!  

After awhile KJ went with little Millie to the nursery and the nurse handed me a phone and a menu and said I could order lunch. Seriously? It was awesome.  My epidural wore off really quickly and I could walk about 2 hours after she was born.  I felt so good.  Things just went so smoothly.  It was such a happy, peaceful day.  Eva was so excited to see her baby sister.  It did make me a little sad to not have Johnny with us but I know he was there in spirit.  Millie is such a sweet baby.  KJ calls her the "great healer."  It has been wonderful to have a baby in our home again. We are so blessed as a family! :)

Perfection

NICU Detour

Well, we didn't avoid another NICU stay.  Luckily this one was way shorter and much less intense.  The late afternoon after Millie was born I noticed that she was grunting weird.  Since our friends found their son's heart defect because he was grunting and because Millie was "technically" premature (she was born the day before the full term mark) we decided to have her checked.

She was taken to the NICU and put on CPAP for an hour, had a couple of tests done to check for heart problems and had a septic work up done.  She ended up being fine except that one of the infection tests (CRP) was elevated.  It was decided that she would be given a round of broad-range IV antibiotics for 2 days as a precaution.  An IV was placed and she came back down to the mother-baby unit with me.  The day I was discharged the CRP was still slightly elevated so she was sent to the NICU for 3 more days of antibiotics.

This NICU stay was much less intense than Johnny's stay but it sure brought back lots of horrible emotions and worries.  She didn't even have any neonatologists following her, just her pediatrician.  We ended up staying an extra 12 hours to work through some feeding issues.  She is home now and happy as a clam!  She is such a good baby.  Very peaceful and content.  She just needs to gain some weight!

Why I Love My C-Section Scar

I know this will sound insane to most people.  But I love my c-section scar.  Like really LOVE it.  I never want it to fade or go away. Why, you ask?  It reminds me of Johnny.  It reminds me that he grew inside me.  It reminds me that he will forever be part of our family.  It makes me want to try harder so that I too can make it to the Celestial Kingdom.  There wasn't a lot I could do for him during his short life but I did have the opportunity to sacrifice my body and go through surgery so that he could take his first breath.  It sounds really strange but I'm actually grateful that I had to have a c-section so that I could have the scar.

  The glamour shot of me during Johnny's birth.  Having a baby is rough. :)

Family of 5!

By now I think most everyone knows but there is a HEALTHY baby girl coming to our family Nov. 6th, 2012!!  We are thrilled, especially that she is healthy.  Ever since last fall Eva would talk about her "sister baby" that was coming.  It will be so fun to have two little girls in our family.

We have never had a completely worry-free 20 week ultrasound (with Eva they thought there might be water on her brain and you all know what happened at Johnny's) so we feel very, very blessed and aren't quite sure what to do with ourselves! We had this ultrasound at the hospital with the perinatologists that worked with us during Johnny's pregnancy.  After we were told that this little girl had a clean bill of health, KJ and I just hugged and cried.  I'm sure people at the hospital thought we had gotten bad news as we left the hospital crying.  They were tears of joy.  This pregnancy has been such an emotional roller coaster.  I don't even know how to explain it.  I don't think you could truly understand unless you've been in this situation.  How do you mourn the loss of one baby while anticipating the arrival of another?  It's weird.  I miss Johnny more now than ever.  I can feel him close and I know that he will be close to his sisters.  How cool is it that my girls get a brother for a guardian angel?  What a sweet blessing.

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to the best dad on the planet!  I couldn't have picked a better father for my children. We love you "Disneyland Dad"!  

(I also couldn't decide on a picture, there are too many good ones!)

 Father's Day 2011

Heaven on Earth

 On May 18th, 2011, RSV season officially ended and Eva finally got to come back to Johnny's bedside and meet her "baby brudder." She was so excited and didn't want me to touch her, she only wanted her brother. Johnny couldn't stop staring at her. If he couldn't see her he would frantically search for her.  We closed the curtains and had our first family prayer and "family hug." It was pure heaven.  Our little family in the same room at last.

One night the end of July we decided to have a family night.  Johnny was in his own hospital room now.  There were no nurses, no doctors, no pokes, no procedures, no beeping monitors, no impending surgery, no anxiety, just our little family.  We played with Johnny's toys, ate pizza, watched Little Rascals, took the kids on a wagon ride.  It was so nice to just be together.

While KJ & Eva went to get dinner, Johnny and I sat alone in the dimly lit hospital room.  I remember being thirsty and wanting to get a drink but something told me to stay and enjoy the moment.  So, I snuggled him close and kissed his forehead and cheeks.  I listened to him breathe and inhaled his scent.  I observed once again his perfect features; perfect nose, perfect eyelashes, perfect hands and feet, perfect skin.  I played with his hair and felt his newly repaired heart beating.  I'm so glad I listened to that prompting because little did I know that less than a month later he would be called back to Heaven.

What would you do. . .

 If you were 3, and you woke up and found a bouncy slide in your backyard?  Would you play on it ALL day without stopping like Eva did?  If only I had that much energy!

Note: It was our landlord's 30th birthday and they let us crash the party.  Thanks Cameron & Jaime!

Happy Mother's Day!

All About My Mom 

(a survey Eva's teacher helped her fill out during primary)

My mom is 1 years old.

My mom weighs: 5 pounds

My mom's favorite color is: Green

My mom's favorite food is: Salad

My mom always says: I need to get jammies on

My mom cooks the best: Grilled cheese

My Mom's job is: Cleaning her room

My mom laughs when:  I say a funny word

If my mom had more time, she would love to: Play with me

My mom & I like to: Watch movies

My mom really loves: Playing with me in my room

I LOVE my mom because: She plays with me

By: Eva

I love being your Mom Eva Kate!  You always keep me laughing!

Johnny Flounder

While watching Little Mermaid with Eva, Flounder reminded me of Johnny.  Does anyone else see it?  Or is it just me? :)

Arizona Trip

In March we took a trip with my family to Arizona for Grandpa & Grandma Finlinson's 60th wedding anniversary.  We left our husband's at home to work (except my Dad) and drove the 1-12 hour drive in a 12 passenger van with my parents, 4 adults and 4 kids.  It was quite the crazy drive!  My mom was super prepared and had a "surprise" for the girls to open every hour.  The surprises were snacks, coloring pages, inflatable snakes, light sticks when it got dark, etc.  We had a great time visiting family, friends, eating at our favorite restaurants, thrift store shopping, playing and relaxing (I took a nap every day!)!  I knew I was pregnant when we went but didn't tell anyone.  I'm SO glad that I didn't get sick on the trip.  I started feeling sick on the way home but could pass it off as "car sickness."  Sneaky, sneaky!

Snake surprises!

3 across the back!

Sisters & Mom at the party

The gang with Grandma & Grandpa

Our Earthly Angels

I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I write this post. I am so filled with gratitude for the many nurses that helped us during Johnny's short life. I am especially humbled after hearing Elder Rasband's conference talk. Heavenly Father has truly given us earthly angels to help us through the difficult times of life. Although I am grateful for all of the nurses we worked with, I am going to shout out to 5 specific nurses that were our "family" through this experience. I don't think it was a coincidence that these amazing women were placed in our path.

One thing I loved about the Primary Children's NICU is that at they assign "primary nurses" to every baby. This means that every time that nurse is working, they take care of their assigned baby. This was especially great for Johnny because he was such a difficult case and needed caregivers that knew him extremely well. Our 5 primary nurses were Pat, Susan, Chris, Angie and Ann. I get so emotional about these wonderful women because I feel like they were Johnny's 2nd moms. He loved them and they loved him. He always did better when they took care of him. I cannot thank them enough for their love and dedication in caring for my son. They were a comfort, strengthen and blessing to him during his hardest days upon this Earth (which was pretty much every day). They were also huge supports to KJ and I. We spent many days laughing and crying with them. I never worried when they were with Johnny because I knew he was in the very best of hands. I am so thankful for them and their service to our little family.

Nurse Pat: We used to spend the days talking, laughing and drinking Diet Coke together. The only person Johnny ever laughed for was Pat. Because of this she called herself "crazy Pat". She used to give us the best gems of advice such as, "Never go to McDonald's after 4 pm because you might get shot." :) She took such good care of Johnny and always believed in him. She was able to be with us the day Johnny died. She has been a blessing and comfort to us.

Nurse Susan: Susan was one of Johnny's first primary nurses. She was so attentive to his needs. I would get to the hospital and she would be reading to him or playing "angry birds" (she would hang stuffed birds above him and he loved it). She always promised Johnny that if he got better she would buy him a t.v. for his bedroom. She said was looking forward to the day that he would come back as a 2 year old and kick her in the shins for all the painful things she did to him. (That day will come Susan!) :) Susan was the only nurse that Johnny would hold grudges against when she was with him during painful or uncomfortable procedures. He would turn his head and not look at her for hours after. We love and miss seeing Susan.

Nurse Chris: Chris was Johnny's "night Grandma." She would sit by his bed and knit tiny booties and mittens while he slept. I always slept better on the nights Chris took care of Johnny. I knew that he was in good, loving hands. Her motto was, "We're gonna have a good night." I'm so grateful for Chris.

Nurse Angie: The first time Angie took care of Johnny he "coded" (heart stopped). He definitely kept her on her toes that day! We all joked that she had put so much work into him that she HAD to be his primary nurse. :) I will forever be grateful that she was there that day and that she helped to save his little life. Johnny loved Angie and he always had smiles for her. We spent many days laughing and crying with Angie. She became a great friend and took great care of our Johnny. She even put his heart surgery date in her personal planner. I love Angie and will always be grateful for her friendship and dedication to our little family.

Nurse Ann: Ann was Johnny primary Neonatal Nurse Practitioner. She was very instrumental in Johnny's life. She worked and fought and believed in Johnny. She made sure he got the very best care possible. I truly believe that Johnny lived for as long as he did because of her thorough care and dedication. We will forever be grateful for Ann.

Nurse Chris with Johnny the day before his open heart surgery.

Booties that Chris knit for Johnny. Here he is wearing them the day he was blessed. We buried him in these booties.

Nurse Pat

Nurses Angie & Pat the day Johnny came home from the hospital.

*Sadly, not pictured, Nurse Susan and Nurse Practitioner Ann.

If I was brave

I would cut my hair like this. I don't know if I will ever be brave enough (or if my husband would ever forgive me for cutting my hair this short). :)

photo from glamour.com

My Goal

"I mean to be happy in every circumstance in which I am placed. I am determined to not be cheated out of the pleasures and happiness of this world by the cares and disappointments with which I am surrounded. For Elder Kimball tells us that if we ever expect to have a heaven we shall have to make it ourselves, so I think the sooner we begin the better and I know of no better way than to be content in every condition and try to make the best of everything."

-My great-great-great Grandma, Lydia Partridge Lyman

Connection

One horrible day in the NICU, Johnny started having seizures. At the start of one seizure he looked at me with a look of panic and confusion. I looked him right in the eyes said aloud, "Johnny, just relax. You're going to be ok. You can do this."

Now, 9 months later, as I lay on the floor in a big sobbing, shaking mess. I could feel Johnny stare into my soul and tell me,

"Mom, just relax. You're going to be ok. You can do this."

I am always amazed at the mother-child connection. Even when we're not physically together.

Black Mail

For Christmas one year my mom gave Eva one of those Crayola cameras. She is obsessed with it and always takes pictures. Many of my days are spent posing for her pictures. I had never uploaded the pictures until last week and I was dying! If you ever need a good laugh, let your child take pictures themselves! She has lots of good black mail of pretty much everyone in the family. She even took a slightly pornographic picture of me pumping that I will NOT post. Here are some examples of her fabulous work!

Believe

"Believe in God; believe that He is, and that He created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that He has all wisdom and all power, both in heaven and in earth; that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend."

-Mosiah 4:9

I read this scripture and it hit me hard. Some days (like today) I feel like I can't do it anymore. I get sick of feeling sad and anxious and crying all the time. I don't understand why God gave me this trial. I don't know why I had to have a sick baby when everyone around me seems to be having healthy children. I don't understand why my baby had to die. I don't know why I was chosen to deal with this heartbreaking grief and anxiety. It's all so unfair. But I do know that God is good. I know that He has a plan for me that I don't understand yet. I know that He loves us and that even though it's hard, He wouldn't give us anything unless it will eventually help us become better and happier. It doesn't make sense to me now, but eventually it will and we will have immense joy. On days like this, that's all the keeps me going. Just believe.

My Theme Song

I swear my entire life people ask what my "theme song" is and I could never think of one. Please look past the name of this song, but I think I have finally found my theme song! I especially like the "I'm your angel undercover" and "can't say I'm not alive" parts. The music video is pretty funny too. :) Sorry, I'm computer illiterate and can't figure out how to upload the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ivt_N2Zcts

Johnny's Birthday

Thanks for helping us celebrate Johnny's birthday! I am still amazed at the response we got from everyone. We are definitely loved and supported. We love all of you and are so grateful to have such amazing people surrounding us.

I was a little nervous for his birthday but it was a great day. I made him the "angel bear" cake above. It was a good creative outlet for me. I wish he could have tasted it but we will be able to do that someday. Naturally, right after I finished it started falling apart. :) We had our families over for cake and ice cream and then we kept family tradition and went around the room and told what we love about the birthday boy. We then released lanterns at his graveside. It was quite the adventure. I had to control myself so I didn't burst out into a song from Tangled. We didn't get all of them up but we did get a few to work.

I was so overwhelmed with all the goodness and love in the world. God is good. Life is hard but we can find joy. I am so glad that Johnny came to our family and that he is ours forever. There is no greater gift than that. Happy birthday my sweet, amazing, life-changing son!