I'd rather be with you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIADdtY9pQA

Rambles of my thoughts....

At what point in life do you consider yourself: Happy? Satisfied? At what point do you: Allow yourself to truly process emotions? Become fully aware of where you sit in life? I mean literally sit. I am sitting at a coffee shop in the 9th and 9th area of Salt Lake City, Utah.. You are sitting where reading this? I mean have you truly just thought about where you physically are? To go deeper- have you come to an awareness of where you are mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? I'm not forcing you but merely suggesting / asking you to take a few minutes and really become aware of where YOU are .....

The past 6 months have been, hell, amazing, emotionally draining, incredible with all the awakenings that I have really come to be aware of, hard, incredible and well not worth giving up! I have really opened up and learn to love again but am learning that everything comes as a gamble with timing. Sometimes it works and well something it doesn't. Which leads me to learning to let go. I have journeyed into the word of becoming a certified yoga instructor... What an amazing ride that has been. Physically, emotionally and who would have thought spiritually! I am learning to be at peace with where things in life are in the present, yesterday was yesterday. I can live for today and be okay with how I am feeling.. and lately I tend to feel like a baby... crying over this... crying over that... crying cause i'm sad... crying cause i'm missing someone... crying cause i lost someone... crying cause I learned how to do a new yoga pose... crying while I watch a touching movie... crying when I see a picture of a happy memory... crying cause I see first hand how drugs have ruined the life of a loved one... crying when feeding the homeless under the freeway viaduct realizing how great my life is. Tears that I have learned - are feeding myself not for tomorrow but for today.

This post may be boring or it may be as simple of not understanding where I am coming from. I just ask that you take 10 minutes for yourself and really ponder about where you are now. Slow down your life, notice the leaves, the people on the side of the road as you drive. Notice how people in a restaurant interact with each other. How are you feeling emotionally right now.

The biggest lesson I have learned the past 6 months- the true meaning and difference between alone and lonely. I used to be so worried about my phone, email or what my plans will be. Always keeping busy... why? What was I running from? I was running from myself and my feelings. I was running from understanding who Suzanna is. I have really put down my phone. Stayed away from Facebook (yes you know it's just as addicting as I realize! ha ha) I have really been okay with doing things the things I want to. I want to cry- I cry. I want to laugh or just sit in silence.. I do just that. I am okay with being alone. I am okay with just that. I miss and I want to be in a relationship one day - but how can I be with someone if I'm not okay with being with just me?

This post is just my expression from the past 6 months... I have no regrets. I only have appreciation and smiles from what I have experienced. I have met some of the most amazing people- there will always be a part of me, whether they know it or not- there is a place in my heart for them. The part of the heart where you think about them.. your eyes close, a smile slowly forms, memories flood your head - so realistic as you are reliving those exact moments, the smell of the person, the sound of their voice, the feel of their touch, actually hearing their laugh.... It just happened- I let my walls down in order to feel exactly just that...

I told you the past 6 months have been amazing!!

**U2**

No words other than...

AMAZING CONCERT- THE END!!

Luke and Den walking in the gates. Lukes FIRST U2 Concert!!!

The group! I'm starting to think brother Den is more of a U2 groupie than I! We're both huge fans... but I think his man crush on Bono is bigger than mine!

**Friends**

I have met some of the most amazing women this past year! You ladies have been nothing but amazing! Your friendship is sunlight in my heart! Thank you for the laughs and the open ears!

**BYU National Rugby**

Cal State / BYU ---- sad ending to the game but well worth the night! :)
Thank you friends for going to Rio Tinto with me to watch my Cougars lose!

**Ren Fair**

Last weekend Phil, Neeters and I decided to hit up the Renaissance Fair! I have nothing more to say other than - um, Oh wow and Huzzah! I had seen pictures from when sister went with her friend, so I knew what to expect- So I thought! I honestly had a blast though! This is one time where not being dressed up I felt out of place! Seriously a riot!!

The only way out was to kiss this guys cheek--- ha ha ha

Hey it's ZELDA!!!

Neeters-- you kinda look like you belong on Little House on the Prairie instead of the fair!

An End to a beautiful experience! :)

*27 years*

27 years ago, Mom passed away. I can't really say that I have memories that I miss about her like my 3 older brothers and sister. Really I look back and think about the memories that I don't have with her.

There are pictures of her holding me, pictures of her and I at 4H watching the boys, at my birthday party, etc. I can remember about the specific memory just because of the photo. Being 4 years old has its advantages and disadvantages of losing a parent. Easier to deal with the loss at the time but harder to deal with not having anything to remember her by.



However over the years and into my adulthood, I have heard and listened with an open heart of the stories that others tell of her. I am so blessed to have been born of an amazing woman.


We came across some reel to reel and spent the night at Denny's house listening to them not knowing what we would find. There was one reel that had a woman telling a story about a cat or a dog or something. That was the first time hearing mom's voice that I can remember, at the age of 27. I remember just sitting there thinking, "wow that's mom!". Now at the age of 31, I look and analyze my life on a daily basis. The love and passion that is behind the voices of those that tell stories of Mom, is ultimately what I want when I pass.


Stories that are told of a big heart, an amazing friend, a loving mother, dedicated wife, a smile that could silence a room, a nature lover, a woman that was up for an adventure, two helping hands that were always available, etc. Tears come to my eyes in pure gratitude learning that she was an amazing woman. An example that I try to follow. I know I'm not perfect nor will I claim to be, but having a great example like her, I have an advantage to my path of life.

Mom, you have been missed everyday and have never been forgotten. I have felt you at times when I needed true support. Though you are not here physically, I know you are always with me.