“You can be aware of your capacity for love before you meet your beloved. Sense your potential for passion before you experience passion itself.”
Will and Testament from Norwegian author Vigdis Hjorth made my Best-of Year list in 2023, and so I was delighted to discover If Only. I love “Will and Inheritance” plots, so Will and Testament checked a lot of boxes for me. It’s a story of siblings fighting over property, but as the plot rolls out, the tale becomes one of rancid familial politics and clashing narratives. If Only is also, like Will and Testament, an intense read, but this is a story of obsession, and just how far an obsession can take someone down the road to ruin. Now that makes it sound as though If Only is a moral tale, and it’s a moral tale as in “wtf were you thinking.” It’s a grim, grueling read and I loved it.
In If Only Ida, a married woman in her thirties, a mother of 2, writes radio plays and edits a magazine, meets Arnold. He’s a translator on his way to a professorship. He’s also a COLOSSAL TWAT. They meet at a seminar and begin an affair which is an off-on-thing over a number of years. Arnold, in his 40s, is married to a much younger wife. He is “a well-established academic “who “critiques contemporary drama. She writes it.”
Arnold sets the boundaries of the relationship with Ida on their second meeting. While Ida, who lives in Oslo is “heading for a divorce,” Arnold, who lives in Trondheim and is on his third marriage says he “can’t handle another breakup.” When Arnold learns that Ida’s marriage is on the rocks and that there’s a scent of divorce in the air, he claims he’s nervous about their involvement. The affair cools but Arnold “keeps[s] her on the rack” always emphasizing that he made no promises and that he can’t handle (yet) another divorce. At one point, the relationship seems to end, and there are drought years when Ida doesn’t see Arnold. She can’t stop thinking about him and ends up in therapy. Ida’s obsession with Arnold is boring to outsiders, and shocking to people who know and care about Ida. Even Ida’s therapist finds her obsession with Arnold boring–he wants to find another subject to discuss. Two and a half years of therapy later and she still isn’t over Arnold.
Something has broken and can’t be mended. Unbearable anxiety trades places with unbearable pain.
During the periods when Arnold cuts Ida off, he dangles himself in front of her, teasing her. For her part, she’s so desperate for news of this dickhead, she finds excuses to create seemingly random conversations about him. She exhausts her friends and family with her Arnold-info seeking behaviour, and so she has to cast her net wider:
She seeks out new environments where they know A [Arnold} and his work. She mentions, casually, a play he has reviewed, an article he has written, a topic he has recently covered on the radio in the hopes that the person she is talking to will mention his name. If she doesn’t get a bite in this way, she will herself bring up the article or the review:
“I read an article the other day, about one of Brecht’s early plays, written by, oh what is his name?”
“Who?”
“The Brecht guy.”
And at this point her interlocuter will usually mention his name, the beloved name: “Arnold Bush?”
“Yes, that’s him.”
And if they don’t, she will introduce it herself: “Something beginning with A. Arnold something or other.”
Of course in the meantime, in a state of limerence, she neglects her children as she becomes consumed with Arnold, thoughts of Arnold and who else he’s having sex with. At one point she begins reading his newspaper horoscope “to find out how he is.” She even calls the creator of the horoscope when the meaning of a sentence is cryptic. When Ida’s toxic relationship with Arnold resumes in an almost lackadaisical way, it’s an Endgame. Arnold is incredibly cruel so theirs is a sado-masochistic relationship. Not in the sense of ‘chains and whips, chips and dips’ but in the sense that he treats her very badly, and she keeps coming back for more. He’s terminally unfaithful and Ida gets into revenge sex.
Ida begins a slide into moral ruin. This is a painful, grueling read … and I loved it for its intensity and unsparing examination of obsession. While the story appears to be written in the immediacy of the present, there are moments that show that this is a retrospective tale with Ida somehow on the other side looking back at this period of madness, obsessive love and moral degradation.
If this all sounds too bleak, it isn’t. There’s a strange, dark humor in the tale’s matter of-fact approach to the craziness as Ida uncovers Arnold’s countless infidelities and violently, vehemently rejects the endless humiliations of their relationship. There’s humour here in Ida’s tirades against Arnold’s excesses. Humour in the awful play they write together (mostly while drunk.) And there’s humour here in Arnold’s petulant, blind arrogance. At one point he has an affair with a student and then lectures her as he doesn’t (oh, the horror!) want to be known as a professor who sleeps with his students. Numerous times, with splendid and righteous passion Ida explodes against Arnold’s behavior only to return and take more and more. When she discovers he’s having sex with a student, she writes an anonymous letter, “drives to the post office and posts the letter before she has second thoughts.”
SHAGGER, SLEEPING WITH YOUR STUDENTS, YOU ABSOLUTE SHIT. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN
It’s telling that Arnold doesn’t immediately guess the identity of the anonymous letter writer. In his typically blind arrogance, Arnold lectures and reproaches the student who is the sex object du jour. He “summons” her to his office “and talks to her in a professorial voice.”
He “doesn’t want a reputation of being somebody who sleeps with his students He doesn’t want to be the kind of person he is, so please shut up.“
So back to Arnold as an object of obsession. Yes, he’s an academic, yes, so presumably there’s intelligence there, but we see nothing attractive about Arnold. Petulant, selfish and immature, his only interesting and arguably redeeming quality is his sexual stamina, and even that potentially promising facet of his life is negated by his persistent in pursuing any vagina in his sphere.
There’s the implicit idea that Arnold can’t fathom what a shit he is while Ida recognizes his basic worthlessness, but in spite of this, she ploughs on as the relationship peaks and sputters in Arnold’s flagging attempts to create novelty and drama in the rat trap of their toxic domesticity.
Obviously many women fell for the cheap tinsel charm of this lothario which simply encourages him in his inflated idea of his own worth, but in Ida’s case, even she occasionally wonders why she is so obsessed with this unworthy man. Ida is intelligent, has a good career and is attractive, yet she becomes obsessed with a revolving, banal man who seems intent on making them both as miserable as possible. She has other relationships with other (nicer) men (not hard as the Arnold bar is a sub-zero level) using the relationships as distractions or revenge and so the men are simply penis-tools she uses along the way. I suspect most readers can think of a relationship that dragged on–relationships, which in hindsight, they now see as self-destructive, time-wasting, tedious dalliances or associations (legal or otherwise) that should have been severed before things turned as ugly as they did, so in that sense the book is relatable.
If Only asks just how far one woman can lose herself in a destructive relationship. Arnold is mediocre–balding, “with a pot belly” and skinny legs. There’s nothing whatsoever extraordinary about this intensely selfish, immature man. This plays to my personal belief that love is independent of the love object. I’m not a therapist (hats off to those who are) but I see Ida and Arnold as a lock and key. She was rational and grounded before Arnold. She asks herself:
Did he open up an old wound so that the infection could pour out, be released at last so that the wound could be cleansed, rinsed repeatedly with disinfectant, with stinging fluid, right down to the bloody, open sore, the pus drained , no matter how much it hurt so that love could finally die?”
I’ve seen the book described as a tale of romantic love/obsession. I’d take the word ‘Love” out of it. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to love, but whatever exists between Ida and Arnold, love it is not. Some people open doors in our psyche–doors we didn’t know existed. In my entirely unprofessional opinion, that’s what happened with Ida.
Translated by Charlotte Barslund
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