On family constellations

This is just the shortest summary:

Wow. Just wow.

I played myself and arrived to my original family and was welcomed by the helpers who played my father and mother.

It felt awesome.

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During the day I took part as a helper and played relatives of other people. Again, please note that using the word 'play' is in no way to refer to the ongoing events as if they were a theatrical act. Family constellations are in no way a drama sessions in a theater or high school. Whatever :)

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If you are open minded and wish to find connections to your ancestors, wish to find more about your motives and dispositions, and wish to accept changes within yourself then this is the right therapy for you.

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Nuff said, be well!

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The following photo is from the internet. It depicts the Fishermen's Bastion. After the day was over we climbed the stairs to the Buda castle and took a one hour walk around. The Fishermen's Bastion is one of the things we saw.

Constellations

We are invited to take part in family constellations.

The whole Sunday is dedicated to that. Normally, this kind of therapy is expensive, but now it is free for us (me and my husband). We have to participate the whole day and one of the sessions will be about our family.

If you are unfamiliar with this, you are advised to check this or this.

If you are sceptic, it's allright.

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We have been in one constellation a year or two ago and it was amazing. The random people chosen for their roles just behaved shockingly similar (or same) as their 'real' counterparts usually do. The session for our family took two hours I guess, but I lost the perception of time, it was so interesting, and it did solve some serious issues for more than one member of our family at the same time.

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Tomorrow during the day I may be chosen to represent someone's relative or someone's 'play counterpart'. I am a bit afraid, but also am willing to go for it for I trust it is helpful for me and for the family I am helping, too.

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Any thoughts?

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I will report on this event as soon as I can word my experiences.

still around

I felt the need to return.

The need to have some personal space to share my thoughts with anyone and no~one; with the world and with myself.

I need some time out.

My body, slowly turning 46 is telling me things. It's time to slow down. Relax and ask questions.

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I find that there are periods in life when you just ask questions. You slow the pace down and begin to wonder about things.

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I vaguely remember the questions I asked when I was 40, when I was past 30 and so on. I guess there are phases to individual development.

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I may not ask the questions appropriate for my age/position/whatever, but these are the questions I ask. I don't have other questions simply because I don't have them in my mind. Or not yet. Or not anymore.

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These days I ask about my roles, the meaning of life, the need I have to ruin# my life and myself for that matter, the lack of desires and so on. At times I tend to cry randomly. I may not be on the right path but I lack the will to correct.

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I am still around, horrified by the will to leave this whole thing as it is, mainly because I don't trust anything else will be better given another chance; drowned by guilt to not feel well when all the world is going mad and with all the good things I do have.

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(#For those thinking that I am doing things against law: no, it's not one of those 'ruining'. I am better than that.)

about the future

I was contemplating quitting blogging.

I don't practice English as much as I'd like to and my command of the language is failing. Bit by bit, but the tendency can not be mistaken. I am not glad with what I see, but I am not sure blogging is a good way to keep up the level.

I have been writing this blog for almost 9 years now.

I went through phases of my life and I needed this journal to keep me sane, to keep me up in the current of events.

At the same time I am sure that my life is eventless. It's just that I take things deeply.

Revise: I used to take.

I am tired and confused, but try watch things come and go, embrace them be as they are. Nothing matters as much anymore as in earlier years.

The less I write, the less I want to write (it applies not only to blogging, but to writing fiction and poems as well. Oh, the sadness of it. Sometimes I am happy with non~writing, sometimes it hurts.)

Sorry guys.

I will not delete the blog however and may return anytime with any subject.

spring is here

and I have a lot of work in the garden.

I finished pruning every rose and pear tree, almost all the apples, and two of the plums.

There are 4 more apples, 6 more plums.

Once this is done, I'm focusing on sour cherries (I think there are 7 of them), and cherries (4 big ones).

I save peaches for the last (4 big trees).

And then there is a long row of grapes along the fences.

I have sown carrots, garden peas and parsley.

I think I have seen a long tailed bushtit in the garden today :)

 

Never say never

I usually am not a fan of technology. 

But every now and then I acknowledge and/or adore the gadgets of our times.

Recently I am feeling down.

I may find (some of) the reasons behind this stage of depression, but these background issues are not what this post is about.

In this depressed mood, I, by some inspiration, have started to read through some of my old posts here.

And voila', I found that these feelings are not unique in the way that I have already had them back in some 7 years ago.

The state now I am in is not unprecedented.

(in a sense that) I do not have some new, really horrific and incurable mental condition.

I am feeling awful, but it is not anything new.

Actually, this finding is a relief.

Somehow.

In a kind of perverted way, I must admit.

Be blessed!


 

point of return

I would fly up, to the clouds and sit on their edges and look at people talk, move and love like ants.
Then I would dive down to run with wolves, kiss the tree and fear a beetle tramping above my dungeon in the ground.
Oh, youth.
But times these days... times are a changing.
The level of the bed stays the same.
With comforting walls around.
Torn.

With the flu I rose to the ceiling, and watched and waited for this to pass.
I was ready to meet the point of no return, if it was not for your arms.
But you were there and so I am here.
For being torn between worlds.
Times are a changing.
For whatever.
 

 

A lazy day

I finished the first version of the article.

I wrote 21,000 characters (space not incluled) on brooding hens, egg selection and chicken hygienics.

I have to shorten it, or make two articles out of it, but still hey, I am ready!

Yay for me.

On the evening there will be a 'Talent Show' at my kids' high school.

My kids avoid school when possible, but I volunteered to take part in the mixed choir for one song.

Yay for us.

It is a short song by Banchieri, for 5 voices (soprano, mezzo, alto, tenor and bass).

The text is translated to Hungarian. Basically it is a happy song that encougares the guests to stop watching the show and doing idle things. It calls for a washing of the hands and occupy the table that is set for dinner.

Actually, ours is the last song at the end of the 90 minute show.

We perform it right before the dinner is served.

Yay for the guests (parents and teachers).

And later on, to finish off the day, we are going to a party to friends to play board games.

I guess this is one of my best winter days like ever.

If only I did not have the flu.

On chicken and articles

Here's some of the music I used to listen to when I was younger, youngish, young.

  

We ran 11 times in January, but then I got sick and the antibiotics I took caused me a pain in my joints. I had to refrain from any unnecessary movement.

Now it's February and I am working on an article.

I wish I did, but I keep doing other things.

Oh, the disadvantage of working from home...

I clean and heat the house, chop firewood, grind seeds manually for the chicken, clean their house, and practically do almost anything to avoid writing the article.

Will I ever grow up?

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Resolutions, anyone?

I can't recall the last time I made new year resolutions.

I have a journal, and in that I set plans for every month, and for every year. At the end of each month I check all entries, tick plans that I accomplished. More often than not, failures are explained in a few words, too.

I'll give you a glimpse of this journal:

Here are my plans for January 2015 for example... Write 6 articles on the field of agriculture (ordered by magazines). Careful excercise (I have to mind my joints). Maybe some jogging. Write a short story for a competition. More sleep. More reading.

See? Nothing exotic, out~of~my league, but nothing really mundane either.

Although on a second thought... that short story might not get written. That is a bit too much for me. The competition is historically themed and therefore is beyond my comfort zone, but miracles do happen.

But I digress.

I noticed a tendency.

Our cells are said to get totally renewed in every 7 years. It does not mean however, that you are a completely new person in every 7 years, as the transition takes place over the minute, not in one single transformation.

But I do see a pattern.

About 6 to 8 years ago, or was it 9 years ago, when I started this blog, I had to claim my intuitive self.

Until like 6 to 8 years ago, I was rather a woman of principles and ruts.

With this blog I took part in a process that some might label as unleashing, opening new horizons, getting involved in the unconscious.

Now I feel I had my part, and I should be getting more organized to move forward. I need more to be more concious of what I do.

I am not letting this blog go, and I keep writing non fiction as a hobby, too.

But I see the need to pay more attention to how I behave as a mother/wife, how do I work for my payroll, what I read, how much I sleep, how do I choose my daily fitness routine and so on.

I want to reclaim some of my former self while kind of keeping the 'new', intuitive one.

Any similar or opposite observations?
This post is updated by adding a video down below. I used to listen to kd lang a lot back a couple of years ago. My taste in music has changed, but I leave it here as a reminder of the past.