Milestones

Its been a while and I know that I mentioned before that it would take time for me to get back in here to post again. So here I am.

Since I last posted Lil Joshua has started to crawl, stand up with assistance (he's been bearing weight since he was much smaller) and just recently he started to pull himself up to furniture and walk sideways along it. It is such a joy to watch him do all these things. Things I never saw TanaLee do. Things that in themselves aren't  so adorable on just anyone but a baby make it special. I feel so very blessed to have this experience and pray that anyone who wants to can. Joshua is a vibrant, happy, smiley baby. Seriously he smiles with his full face eyes straight to his chin!  His personality is much like his Daddy- calm and go with the flow. He likes to hear his voice so most recently he yells out these crazy shrieks...so glad we are no longer living in an apartment...I can see it, "can't you people just be quit!" "Mrs. Davis, we've had several complaints of loud squeaks coming from your unit. If it doesn't stop we will have to take certain measures." lol

I have some updated pictures to share too:

Wasn't very happy with me...

All dressed up for a special night

Sick with his first cold at 10 mos old

Went to his first "kid" party

Its a dot its a poka, its a poka dot party

I hand made both Lil J and Big J's outfits for the party since pokadots aren't the fashion for boys.
Thank goodness for fabric paint! 

 So we are approaching the one year mark since Joshua was born and brought life back to our lives. We are reaching a milestone there that makes my heart sing and my mind wonder how its gone soo fast! I love my boys so much and Joshua is something so unique and is saving me everyday. My children are my heartbeats and Joshua keeps this heart calm in waiting for TanaLees return. How I miss her and see her in him all the time. Thankful and looking forward. :)

Reflection is in a mirror, four years deep

I'm so glad that I'm finally making the time to post today. Today I'm not gonna post about my daily life or my rainbow's goings or how I've been MIA for weeks at a time. 

Today I am going to reflect and thank God for a little miracle that prompted this blog to become something- a place to update and later a place to grieve and unite with others like me.

Exactly FOUR years ago as of November 13th, my daughter TanaLee made her early entrance into our world. As you might recall me saying before if you've followed me for a time you will know that she was just 25 weeks gestation. That day has drifted across my dreams and thoughts countless times. That day changed who I am and who I am going to be. 

Thinking back to everything that happened. Fast moving, no time to waste kind of day. I was watching a video that is featured today on Yahoo about a little Preemie that survived. As I watched this short film that only sheds a small light on the NICU world I became very emotional. Not just because it took me right back to the little room my daughter lived in (pod) or because my baby didn't make it to her first birthday. It made me emotional because people in today's society only get a "miracle" story projected to them. What about the thousands of stories like yours and mine that may not have ended so well. That is reality. I am so grateful for the family featured but sadly very few have this outcome. I had a rare story of a 25 weeker that made it to seven months! What about the babies that live only days or hours? When will their story come out? 

It saddens me that so many have suffered loss always with great cost financially, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. So many of us grieve in private so that others can be comfortable. Some of us refuse to keep quiet and some of us are granted chances again to parent a child. While others still wait for their arms to be filled. 

I was out today sharing a positive message with my neighbors. One that I feel especially compassionate about since losing TanaLee. I don't often discuss religion here because this blog is about personal loss and courage it took for me to stand up and live again. I will simply add a link to the little tract that I handed out. It helps you to have a hope regardless of your religious background. If you recognize there is a God then you can appreciate the brief and comforting words that it brings out. Something for you to help you seek out scripture in your own bible that  provides purpose and peace about those we have lost. One last thing about this tract, NOTICE the illustration on the cover? It brought tears to my eyes. God is good and always feeds at the proper time. My little baby would have been four this month. The illustration depicts a grieving couple mourning a young child- perhaps a four year old. But whatever the case place your child in the frame on the wall. 

My little girl was a miracle. One that is missed beyond measure. Someone who has shaped my life everyday since her arrival and continues to be a heart beat in my chest. I love her...so deeply. I long for the day she returns to me. I am grateful for the lessons her life taught me. I am grateful to the God I choose to serve for helping me to grieve positively and comforts me when im not. Thank you to this community for standing alongside me in this crazy life changing experience.  I hope that you too gained something positive out of my daughters story. I hope that it moves you to do great things for the betterment of someone else. To show compassion and kindness to all walks of life. To be a better soul on this earth. We are all living this life- why not enjoy it with a heart wide open. Then we can see we do have purpose...we are family and in the end we stay that way in honor of what is good and right. 

Four years closer- Loving my baby and keeping the faith. Its all I have. I welcome the time that's yet to be here. I am watching my clock. All in good time- i'm waiting.   

I never thought...

My dear followers and readers,

I didn't think I could possibly let this blog slip through my fingers like it has the last wonderful eight months but here I am. Actually finally having time that I made for blogging today. I know you all must be wondering what all I've been doing. Instead of the traditional wordy blog for sake of time I will post pictures of a lot of what has happened. I assure you that it will be much more entertaining then my words but if you like the read I will caption to explain some of the photos. I also want you all to know that I still from time to time check in on all your blogs. :)

Let's get right in it:

One of many Dr. appt we have been to - this one revealed a clean bill of health and a year wait to return :) 

Shopping trips looking for clothing for this thriving baby! 

Waking up to this sweet face everyday is the best thing! He is the beats in my heart!

With fall and an older baby brings lots of food and baking

This kiddo loves to help me with laundry

Went to the annual meeting and got one of these beauty's!

He's a sprouting sports fan, granddad has turned him on to football during their cuddle time

Hangin with family and enjoying the weather

Firsts are happening everyday- First time on a swing for this day

First Fall- Experiencing fallen leaves at the park 

My heart loves this lil boy so much! I can't believe what joy has re-entered my life. I had no idea how much the heart can grow. I thought my ability to love so deeply died the day my daughters life was cut short but with this last eight months I have learned yet another lesson- My heart can love without reservations and expand beyond my wildest dreams. I miss TanaLee with every waking second but Joshua reminds me "Just a little while longer...mama and death will be no more...she will be here again".

Whoa! Its been ages,

So I have been just busy with life and enjoying my rainbow Joshua that I have had little time to squeeze in blogging. I have been reading your blogs and leaving a comment if I can but this place has gotten a bit dusty. We have been busy with appointments to double check little mans heart and over all health. So far so good. We have done lots of family time and BBQ's and swimming and hiking and all that stuff that has been keeping me busy. I have to say that before Joshua, I couldn't understand how a BLM could go on to have a rainbow and not find the time to blog regularly....Well now I do! I catch myself thinking of blogging and wanting to share all my life's new excitements but somehow I only have time to catch up on my blogs I read or start a blog but not post pictures... :/ Rats I say! So here I sit trying to multi-task, and update those of you that find yourself still interested in me. Thank you!

I have also had some up down grief- you know the kind that you have when you look at your rainbow and wonder why you get to be a mom to only __ children on earth. The kind when you cry yourself silly when your youngest looks just like the baby you've lost. Oh and lets not forget dare I say it, wanting more kiddos...maybe even of the gender you lost. Yes, my thoughts are wild and unbridled and trying to escape any chance they get. TRUTH is, I'm MISSING her....TANALEE yes I miss her so bad. I want my daughter.

One day soon I can raise my eyes to the heavens and thank the God above for bring my daughter back to me. For now I thank him for my son in my arms.


Joshua is now 5 months old. He's tried a few solids for fun and weighs something over 13lbs. He loves to giggle at faces and listen to the nightly news with brain williams. He's crazy strong and has the heart of a lion- strong and courageous. He sleeps well and eats great. We love ever bit of him.

A happy day for us

We went and got our pictures done through a very talented friend of mine. Here are a few from the shoot-













Here is the one that makes me tear up-



Oh how much I loved this photo shoot! Doing the photo above this sentence was both important to me and hard. I haven't talked much about this but I like so many of you grieve my first. I so wished she could have been there with us on that day. I know one day we will do this again but instead of a picture of my girl she will indeed be actually in my arms! Miss you baby girl, your brother is growing so fast and everyday reminds me of what a blessing you also were.

Chapter 13

I have tried to find time to write over the past few weeks but have found no time that I want to take away from  little man to give towards the blog. I have missed blogging. There has been a lot going on since his birth and eventually I will catch you all up to speed...for now I will keep this brief and share some in the form of photo's.

Joshua's current facts:

He is two months old now! I seriously can't understand were the time has gone. For one thing, I don't believe I disclosed this. We found out while I was pregnant that Joshua has a heart defect that since his birth has been corrected. (More on that in another post) So for the first month of his life he spent it in the NICU, PICU and then in the regular floor for children before he was discharged home.

*His surgery went well and we recently stopped all medicines ect that he was sent home with. :)

*He weighs 11.1 lbs as of today!

* He is a great baby that sleeps pretty well...sometimes 4-6 hour blocks at night. :)

* We are cloth diapering happily :)

enough of this....here's the lil guy

Last day in the hospital!

His going home outfit! Lil brother

Getting ready to go home! We were sooo ready to go! 

His first memorial of Jesus Christ

Such a happy baby!

A lil lady visited us while enjoying a tulip farm

He's here!!!!

Yes, my little Joshua is finally here!

He was born February 18 , 2013, mid-morning, weighing 6 lbs, 12 oz! I cannot even begin to say just how in love with him I am! He's everything and MORE. Here is his birth story and some great pictures of my new little man.

February 17, 2013:

I woke up with some ademia in my calves & ankles. This is normal at later hours ect during your final trimester but for me and my history I have been keeping a close eye on it. Well, after putting my feet up and having no real improvement I called L&D when I woke up with two tree trunks for legs. My Dr. was on that day for 24hr shift and she decided we better not play with fire and check it out. I came in around 10am and we started some tests to rule out PE.
Labs returned and aside from my higher than normal BP my blood work returned with a few factors below the normal range for good clot control. My Dr elected to have me stay over night to watch me closely and to start a 24 hr urine to see what my protein was.

As the hours wore by my BP's didn't really improve or get significantly better. They just hopped around and eventually my Dr. wanted a repeat blood draw...they came back better....eventually we ordered one last draw but even still my OB had already decided that my BP's were crazy enough that she wanted me to stay until I delivered my son at approx 37 weeks. (with my BP's higher she felt PE could be on its way)

The doctors made their rounds and were finishing up with me. I anxiously waited to hear what they would say since my expectations where simply to deliver the next week but, What was I to do for a week in the hospital in the mean time? They started with very vague info and didn't have much to say, when, I on the other hand rattled off 1000 questions. Then a new Dr appeared with much different news, my CBC's came back and my platelets had dropped to 81 from 110. This was all in a short period of hours since testing last. My Dr. pulled the plug and simply told her team that I was to be DELIVERED that day!
So as you can imagine I went from frustrated with little to lean on for the week in the hospital, to wow! I'm gonna have a baby today. I would be lying If I told you I wasn't the least bit scared. I was 36 weeks that day  and although that is VERY close to term, my fears were great for my little growing boy.

Within an hour I was prepped and ready to start the section to retrieve the little baby I had been hoping for for so long. The next moments are much of a quick pause and then blur- In short my OB told me baby was almost here, and the next was the blue tarp being dropped and Joshua carefully being rested against my cheek and my hand gently caressing his hair. (He then let out the most beautiful cry) Jeremy and I both locked eyes for but a moment and all was quiet and there. I had my rainbow and everything was right. All the tears and careful planning fell into place and for the first time in two years I felt at REAL peace and true happiness.

Nervous daddy

Hopeful mommy

Precious first touch

The most amazing moment of my life

Sweet little boy- content without much of a sound

Today marks Joshua's second day of life in our world and things are only more bright as I travel the hospital halls to catch yet another glimpse of what REAL love is...My family is together and TanaLee would be soo proud to call Joshua her lil brother. All is right and well.

Sweet love! This and picture below show just a fraction of our deep need for our boy! Both equally frame worthy!

Comm'on you can't resist this face! Tell me you don't have baby fever coming on? lol Love my sweet boy!