My Pee Pants

Every morning I walk my dog down our street and back.  I walk her like I'm supposed to - on a 6 foot leash and listening to my morning news podcasts.  Obviously this is how mornings were always meamt to be.

Anyways, this morning my neighbor happened to be walking her dog as well.  He is a Big Dog who probably could sire newborn puppies the size of my dog.  Xena is terrified of him.  (She's terrified of every dog on the planet.)  He was not on a leash.

As the neighbor was petting Xena, trying to help her feel comfortable around her own dog, said Big Dog casually walked over to me, lifted his leg, and peed on my pants.  I responded with, "What the...?" and moved my leg so that the rest of the pee landed on the street.  My neighbor was shocked and said, "Oh my gosh.  I'm so sorry.  He's never done that to anyone before.  Maybe another dog already peed there?"

I just stared at her blankly before looking back down at my pants and saying, "Aww, man."  She apologized one more time and we let it be at that.

Two things about this.

1 - I wonder if her dog really has never done this before.  She has two dogs - Big Dog and Fluffy - and they are mostly sweet, but they roam EVERYWHERE.  They are, for instance, often in my yard, which I'm mostly okay with, but then their owners will look me in the face and say, "They've never wandered over there before," or, "They haven't been in your yard since [insert a time long ago]," or, "They can't possibly be over in your yard because I did x, y, and z to make sure they stay in my yard."  To which I want to respond, but don't, "They're in our yard all the time."  Instead I typically just mention the most recent time they were seen in our yard.  Which is usually, on any given day, today.

So they are the dog owner equivalent of parents who say, "My child would never do anything like that!"  Not impressed.

2 - Maybe another dog already peed there?!  You mean, on my pants?!  Another dog already peed on my pants and that's why Big Dog felt the need to also pee on my pants?  Because I wear these same unwashed pants on my walks just to make sure that dogs can smell the pee and mark their territory on me?  Who wouldn't want to do that?!

...

I've been thinking about this all day and giggling to myself:
"Maybe another dog already peed there?"
"...  On my pants?"

At least it made my co-worker laugh so hard that she cried.  Pee pants for the win!

P.S.  I haven't washed them yet.  Because, hello!  Pee pants.

Silence

Silence as a blanket.  Silence as a shield.  Silence as a smoke screen.  Silence as a healing mechanism.  Silence as my best weapon.  Silence as a way of life.

It's 2018 and I told myself that this year I'm going to stop being silent.  I needed it for a while - I needed to stop putting my voice out there and hearing feedback that wasn't always helpful (and was often hurtful).  This year I can start opening up again because I'm awesome and things are okay and I can move on.

So here I go:  moving on.

Life has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions since I last wrote.  We've been through a lot and it's required a LOT OF WORK - and professional counseling intervention - but things are headed in the upward direction, and that's perfection, if there is such a thing.

Current Projects

Haft

We bought this house - and we LOVE IT.  It's cool, it's different.  But it was pretty much neglected for 20 years, so there's a lot of tweaking to be done, especially outside.  Right now we've done improvements that mostly look worse than they did before.  It's gotta get worse before it gets better, I suppose.  :)  I'm at least sticking to that story to keep me going.

We're cutting down honeysuckle.  Lots and lots of honeysuckle.  We're reclaiming overgrown forest.  We're paying for a landscape design for this house and we'll be working on that.  We're setting up garden beds and grinding out old stumps and reseeding lawn and redirecting water and digging new ditches and updating drainage, and clearing out old fire pits, etc., etc., etc.  It's never ending, seemingly, but fun!

Getting in Shape

I'm walking to Mordor.  I love it.  You should do it, too!  Check it out.

Besides that, I'm working out harder and more often and I'm trying to get prepared so I don't die on a 2 week canoeing trip with Elijah's Boy Scout Troop in July.  It's fun!  I'm actually really liking it, even if I don't love every single step of the way.

My Kids

My kids are getting old, man! 

Miciah is 16 and finishing up her sophomore year.  She is awesome, awesome, awesome, and she keeps getting better with age.  She's doing amazing things and I'm constantly in awe of what she accomplishes.  She is in orchestra (though she's probably done with viola, at least for a while, if not for good), Scouts (Venturing), she volunteers at the library, does 2 book clubs, art club, and is best friends with the sweetest human being on the planet.  Miciah is a good friend and a good person.

Elijah is 14 and is almost done with middle school.  He's trying to nail down what he's really interested in keeping in his life and what he needs to drop so he can have time to do the things he really loves.  It's a hard process.  Right now he wants to continue doing soccer, Scouts, orchestra, show choir, piano (he's amazing at the piano), composing, and the engineering club.  Guess how many of those one can reasonably manage.  I'll give you a hint, it's not all of them.

Teancom is almost 12 and is finishing up his first year of middle school.  He loves school, he has lots of friends, and he's just a content little guy.  He is getting really into theater and acting and he's dropped things like sports so he can have the time to get more into drama.  It's kinda nice to have him so narrowly focused (see previous paragraph), though he does spend a lot of time doing nothing.  Kid likes his downtime.  I don't have complaints about that.  Also, I love my downtime, too, so I can't even be judgy about it.  And don't worry, he still loves to be active outdoors, just not doing organized sports.

...

So there you go.  I told myself I'd start writing more.  Putting things down.  And I won't use silence as a coping mechanism.  I'll be more brave.  Though I doubt I'll be more trusting - ha! - those days are gone.  But I've found a happy place with where I am and where others are with me.  I can again start extending positivity into the world instead of needing to keep it for myself so I don't drown.

Here's to a brighter, more open future.

Cheers.

Fall! Fall! Fall! Fall!

Yay, Fall!

Loving the weather.  The hot tea.  Naps on the deck in a warm blanket.  Books.  The trees.

Enjoying it for as long as it lasts.

This Blog, That Blog, What Blog?

So, my new project is actually another blog:
http://www.mormonspectrum.org/blog/

Have you guys heard of Mormon Spectrum?  It's absolutely my favorite thing to talk to Mormons about, when I have to talk about Mormon stuff.  I mean, mostly I just want to talk to my friends about normal stuff like their kids and cross country and work and parenting and even how their callings in the church are going.  But if other Mormon-y stuff has to be talked about, let's talk about Mormon Spectrum!

Mormon Spectrum is a site that is designed to help people find resources and community so that they don't feel so alone and helpless.  If there's one thing I'm passionate about in terms of Mormonism, it's that people need a heck of a lot more support than they're typically getting during a faith transition.  There's a lot of shunning, fear, and just simple non-support that happens.  I'd love for that to stop, and if I can be in a position to help create more love and support for transitioning Mormons, that's where I'll be!

To be clear, I think that there's a lot of shunning, fear, and non-support that comes FROM transitioning Mormons TO traditionally believing Mormons, too.  This is why I think that groups like Mormon Spectrum are so important.  If we can take the discussion out of a black and white world where A is Good and B is Bad, then we might get somewhere.  Why not just start with the idea that people are people and that means they need love and support?!  Forget who's "right" and who's "wrong."  Let's focus on supporting each other in a way that creates safety for everyone: believers, non-believers and everyone in-between.

What's not to love about that, right?!  

And it's really where my heart is anyway.  I want to be friends with everyone!  I won't do it at the expense of my sanity or self-respect, but if people are willing to work with me, I am so, so happy to continue relationships that are supportive and loving and real.  I am convinced there is a way to maintain relationships even while discussing hard things.  We can do this!

The other thing I love about this project is that it's not really mine.  I call myself a curator of the blog.  It's more of a community sourcing blog that I update with posts of all sorts.  I write some posts, I bug other people to write posts, I put links up about things that I think are helpful to the transitioning Mormon community, etc.  This also gets me in a lovely frame of mind where I'm not trying to spout off frustrations or even tell Tamra's story.  I'm trying to help create a safe space that offers love and support and possibly even healing - not add to controversy or pain!  The blog represents the best version of myself I've ever found.  That's the truest, purest Tamra, and I wish I could maintain that full time!  It's like feeling that deep peace during meditation and then wondering why you still yell at your kids.  Ha!

Anyways, if you're interested, you can go check it out.  Here's a blog post I wrote up for Mormon Spectrum about why I joined their team.

And if you'd like to write something up for the blog, or you have a good resource, or you read a good blog post lately that you think Mormon Spectrum would like to post about, let me know!  I'd love to get as many different voices on the blog as possible.  So many people with so many things to say.  No sense in me monopolizing it.

(I also post on their Facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/MormonSpectrum/)

Peace.  Love.  Support.  Healing.  Let's go get it!

Summer Pictures

I present to you Summer 2016, in picture form:

My birthday party at the FC Cincinnati game.

Shots on my birthday with Evan, who was back for a visit.  Love that girl, and love Irish Breakfast shots.  Seriously, so good.

Celebrating Jeff's birthday, just a day before mine, with Deafies and Friends.

Exploring California with my brother Justin and his kiddos.

Geocaching with Budge, my brother, and Kevin, not my brother.

The ocean at Santa Cruz. Love this picture.

Geocaching took us to the world's largest Monopoly board.  So useful.

Tank and my Mom at Point Lobos, CA.

Dalai Lama in Indianapolis.  "Create inner peace from compassion."

Surprise (for all of us) visit to Boston to hang out with family for a few hours.

Picking up our new kitten in Connecticut.  Lots of cats to love on at the breeder's house!

Bringing him home.

Getting them used to each other.

Dyeing sweedish weave towels to make a wedding gift for a friend.

Turned out great, right?!

Falling Water.  A trip just for Elijah, who is fascinated with Frank Lloyd Wright.

Down the natural water slide.

We all had bruises to prove it.

Miciah's shirt matches her eyes.  Also, she is a ninja.

DC!  We couldn't lose the boys with those shirts on.  They stood out in the crowd!

The security guard wouldn't let me play on the checkerboard.  Which is just mean!  Why build something so fun and then not let people play on it?!  Rude.

Capitol Building at night.  Not that you can tell - we could be anywhere in this picture.

We got Taco Bell at the train station.  It took us just as long to walk to Taco Bell, buy food, and walk out, as it did for Rob to get through the line of cars outside the building.  Worked out well, actually.

We played cards and read outside the White House.  Very relaxing.

The middle school's Memorial Garden that we worked on for 25 hours over the summer.  I know it doesn't look like much, but you couldn't even tell there was a garden before we started.

The other section of it.  I don't know why Miciah took this picture at an angle.  I guess it's artsy.  ...  We also fixed the rain barrel, all the bird house things, and got the bench area ready so someone could actually sit there.  I'd say it was a fun family project, but Tank just whined about it the whole time.  Whatever.  I had fun.

Brewing beer for Keith and Tiffany's wedding.  They called it This Is the Cake.  Fun, right?!  The brewing process was fascinating.

Digging the pond.

Real Madrid came to play in Columbus and my brother took me to the game with him!  Brothers are the best!

Rock scrambling with Keith at Nelson Kennedy Bridges State Park.  Cool place but a long drive.  It made for a fun day with my brother!

Downtown Cincinnati with Miciah and everyone else playing Pokemon Go!  Do you see all those people in the background?!  It was odd / cool to witness.

Reds game with Bryant and families.

Summer is Over

So, hey.  Summer is over.  We survived it.  And now I just have the entire school year, and the next 10 years of school years to survive!  No problem.  Let's go get it!

I don't want to talk about Summer 2016.  I kinda hated it.  Good things happened, and I'll post a positive-toned picture-heavy blog post all about the adventures we had.  It'll look like all we did was travel and have so much fun!  It'll be great.

High School
Let's talk about High School.  Miciah is in High School.  How awesome is that?!!  She's going to have a blast.

Cons for me personally:
Miciah needs taken to and from school every day.  No bus service.
Waking up at 6:45am to drive her.
My baby is growing up.

Just kidding!  That last one isn't a con.  I just think it's something I'm supposed to say.  I LOVE that my kids are growing up.  It is AWESOME!

Pros for me personally:
Carpooling to and from school every day.  I'm only taking, not picking up.
NOT waking up at 5:30am to take Miciah to Seminary.  SO SO SO grateful.
Watching Miciah do her thing in High School.  It's going to be great.

Middle School
Let's talk about Middle School.  Elijah is in Middle School, all by himself this year.  I don't know if that's a pro or a con for him.  Maybe both?

Cons for me personally:
Will Elijah wake up on his own every day???
Miciah isn't there to babysit his every move before and after school.
Middle school kids are obnoxious.

Pros for me personally:
Elijah is in Cross Country.  Woop woop!  He's going to rock that.  (And good job me, convincing him to join!  Genius.)
Miciah isn't there to babysit his every move before and after school.
The school is close enough that Elijah can walk to and from if needed.

Elementary School
Let's talk about Elementary School.  This is Tank's last year in Elementary School, which is still weird cause he's so little and cute that he looks like a 3rd grader.

Cons for me personally:
I like our Elementary School.  It'll be weird to be doing all of our Lasts this year.
All 3 of my kids are in different schools.  Why?!
Wondering if 5th Grade is going to be brutal for Tank like it was for Miciah.  5th grade sucks.

Pros for me personally:
Tank is going to, once again, rock out school!
We're going easy on Tank's extracurricular schedule this year, after the meltdowns that happened last year.
My baby is growing up.

All my babies are growing up.  It's so cool to see what they do and how they do it and wondering what's coming next.  Even though motherhood isn't always THE BEST, I do love having little people that I get to participate in life with.

Happy School Year to all of you!

(And yes, Miciah and Tank were twinning.  The benefit of being a tiny human is that you can shop in the little boys' section at Target.  They have the best clothes!)

Why I'm (Not) Proud of My Daughter

Let's be clear from the start of this.  I am so, so proud of Miciah.  She's one of the best human beings that I know.  But I think it's really important to say the reasons why I am proud of her, and the reasons that don't factor into it at all.

Yesterday I had to pick up Miciah from school for a dentist appointment.  There were a few 8th grade girls working in the office.  I signed Miciah out and then waited for her to come down.  One of the girls looked at me with a funny look on her face.  I knew that look from somewhere, and while I couldn't place it, I knew to just look away.  Then she said, "You're Miciah's mom?"  "Yes."  Her voice was dripping with awe as she said, "She's a genius."  

THAT'S the look.  And the tone.  I haven't heard it in a long time.  As a teenager I was told many, many times that I was the smartest person so-and-so had ever met.  I was a "genius."  I was probably going to go cure cancer or something "important."  And I HATED it.  I hated every single minute of it.  Something about it made me want to cry and never talk to another human being again.  So I hid my grades, my test scores, etc., so that people wouldn't look at me like that, wouldn't talk to me like that.

So when this girl looked at me like that and talked to me like that, it didn't matter that it was directed at my daughter, whom I'm extremely proud of.  I still hated it.

And even though I wanted to run away, I handled it like an adult.  I smiled a little and said, "She works really hard."

You know why I'm NOT proud of my daughter?  Because she's smart.  What does "being smart" even mean?  Hearing "You're so smart" over and over again as a kid, I started thinking about that question.  What IS intelligence?  That I've figured out how to get good grades?  That I learn quickly?  That I'm motivated to succeed in school?  That I can recall things well enough to repeat it on a test?  That I happen to have good test taking skills?  That I'm interested in academic things enough to spend time on them?  All those things are good, I guess, but do they really make you Smart?  I say no.

Cause have you ever met a genius?  Those people are off the freakin' charts!  Miciah has gone to a math competition called Math Counts for 3 years now.  She does well enough, but she never even comes close to placing.  Some of these kids can answer super complicated questions before the moderator can even finish reading them!  Those kids are crazy smart.  But not just that, they've worked way, way, way harder than Miciah wants to.  They have studied the programs designed to help you learn those kinds of math problems.  They do math in their sleep, I'm sure of it.  Miciah?  Shes's not interested.

Miciah may be smart (however you define that anyway).  She wins award after award at school and is set to do the same thing again this year.  And yes, I'm very proud of her.  But you know what produces that kind of outcome?

Miciah works hard.  She works harder than almost anyone I know.

Miciah is focused.  She has awesome time management skills.  She knows when things are due and she works hard to get them done on time.

Miciah is self-motivated.  I don't think we've reminded her to do her homework in years.  I don't think we've even mentioned homework.  She's just on it.

Miciah knows what she wants.  She sees a goal on the horizon, and she takes that thing down!  She hunts and stalks it until it has no choice but to let itself be overtaken by her.  Miciah does not let up.

So when someone says to me, "Congratulations," I just look at them with a blank face.  "Umm, I didn't have anything to do with that."  And inevitably the response is, "Well, you must be doing something right."  I usually laugh and say, "Yeah, I get out of her way!"

Someday I should write down all about the other reasons why Miciah is probably my favorite person on the planet.  I never thought I'd feel so much love for and devotion to another person.  When I start to talk about her and what she means to me, I find tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.  That girl is amazing and I'm so glad she's in my life.

But not because she's smart.