Truth: I get anxiety over things sometimes.
Truth: Anxiety makes me want cereal. In extreme amounts.
Truth: I am experiencing anxiety right now. It usually happens when I'm really excited/nervous about something that is soon to occur. This recent occurance is a trip to New York City for the weekend! I'm excited. SUPER excited. It's my city. It's a place where I feel like everything I love is there, enveloping me with welcome arms, saying "You are a crazy, dramatic, theatre geek who would rather sing songs at the piano then anything else... Welcome home"
Why am I anxious then? Probably because I am just so excited to be in my city for the weekend.
False: I am hungry.
Truth: I am anxious.
False: You can't get through this day without a binge.
Truth. Yes. I. Can. And. I. Will.
I have a lot to say... So listen up, and please, lend advice if you feel so inclined.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Hey guys--
I specifically wanted to share this little gem that I found with those on this journey with me... A little history first: I feel that it is really important for me to be completely open and honest with all of you about my journey and my issues with food. I want you to know that I struggle, too. Lately, I have had this one-day-a-week situation. ABout one day a week for the last 3 or so weeks I have a day where I just feel that "urge" all day. And I have given in.
Today was one of those days. I was feeling a little anxious because of the response of my posting a "before" and "after" picture, as I am trying to reach out and help others to make changes in their lives. I think the pressure got to me in realizing that there are a lot of people now looking to me for motivation and to lead and guide them to optimal health. And the truth is: I am still a food addict. It's really not based on taste, it's based on a habit formed over a lot of years of emotional eating. But there is a happy ending to this story: For one, I have felt that urge ALL week, and through that WHOLE week, I have only "given in" twice. Thats a lot of other time that was spent NOT giving in. For two, the last time I binged, it was a take-the-rest-of-the-night off situation. And I felt awful the next day and literally cried for hours.
The difference is: last time, I got OFF the bus, took a stroll around a dangerous town, but then I got back on, just like I knew was the safe thing. Today, I only stuck my head out for a second and then I quickly evaluated what was going on before it got too far, and I brought my head back in. After about 10-15 minutes only. Did I eat something I regret? Yes. Am I going to eat things the rest of the night that I know I will regret? No. In fact, I will be eating another Medi fast brownie tonight for my last meal.
Friends: it's little changes a little bit at a time. I found this quote about compulsive eating that I want all of you to print and POST somewhere or put it in your food journal ok?
"Next time you have a compulsion to eat something that you know will trigger your eating disorder, remember, “I’ll never regret what I don’t eat… This is just a compulsion, it’s strong, and it’s hard, but I’ll never regret not letting it have control. I might regret if I do give this compulsion control.” That’s why it’s so hard. Compulsions feel as though you can’t make an alternate choice. They feel as though that’s the only choice. But it’s not. It’s not about willpower, it’s about knowing that this strong feeling is only temporary. You can sit with the fear of regret. And you won’t actually feel regret about choosing not to eat something that feels unhealthy or feels as though it might trigger a binge."
I specifically wanted to share this little gem that I found with those on this journey with me... A little history first: I feel that it is really important for me to be completely open and honest with all of you about my journey and my issues with food. I want you to know that I struggle, too. Lately, I have had this one-day-a-week situation. ABout one day a week for the last 3 or so weeks I have a day where I just feel that "urge" all day. And I have given in.
Today was one of those days. I was feeling a little anxious because of the response of my posting a "before" and "after" picture, as I am trying to reach out and help others to make changes in their lives. I think the pressure got to me in realizing that there are a lot of people now looking to me for motivation and to lead and guide them to optimal health. And the truth is: I am still a food addict. It's really not based on taste, it's based on a habit formed over a lot of years of emotional eating. But there is a happy ending to this story: For one, I have felt that urge ALL week, and through that WHOLE week, I have only "given in" twice. Thats a lot of other time that was spent NOT giving in. For two, the last time I binged, it was a take-the-rest-of-the-night off situation. And I felt awful the next day and literally cried for hours.
The difference is: last time, I got OFF the bus, took a stroll around a dangerous town, but then I got back on, just like I knew was the safe thing. Today, I only stuck my head out for a second and then I quickly evaluated what was going on before it got too far, and I brought my head back in. After about 10-15 minutes only. Did I eat something I regret? Yes. Am I going to eat things the rest of the night that I know I will regret? No. In fact, I will be eating another Medi fast brownie tonight for my last meal.
Friends: it's little changes a little bit at a time. I found this quote about compulsive eating that I want all of you to print and POST somewhere or put it in your food journal ok?
"Next time you have a compulsion to eat something that you know will trigger your eating disorder, remember, “I’ll never regret what I don’t eat… This is just a compulsion, it’s strong, and it’s hard, but I’ll never regret not letting it have control. I might regret if I do give this compulsion control.” That’s why it’s so hard. Compulsions feel as though you can’t make an alternate choice. They feel as though that’s the only choice. But it’s not. It’s not about willpower, it’s about knowing that this strong feeling is only temporary. You can sit with the fear of regret. And you won’t actually feel regret about choosing not to eat something that feels unhealthy or feels as though it might trigger a binge."
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
What is it time for?
CHANGE!
Seriously, that is what this life is all about. Learning to make changes and becoming the best possible people we can be.
We experience change in a lot of ways. We are constantly changing (as is everyone and everything else). Changing hair, jobs, new additions to family, people die, we move across the country, friends move across the country, we become more in tune with God and His plan for us, the trends change and we try and adapt to be the hippest, most fashionable person. (I try, usually people stop and stare and go 'really? you put THOSE together?')
So why, even though we are all about change, and change follows us around, why is it so hard to make really important changes? Changes that will affect the rest of our lives, and the quality of our lives right now in this moment.
Because it's hard. Change is hard.
But, as portrayed earlier. Change is inevitable! It's always happening, so we really just need to accept the fact that in order to have the life we want, be the person we want to be, and have the joy that we SO deserve, (and I might add, wear the Jcrew skinny jeans that I've been dreaming about), we have to suck it up, make a decision, and MAKE A CHANGE. That's what we have to do.
I have fallen down a few times lately. BUT I've gotten back up. I feel like that's a positive change to make, to realize that having a bad night, a bad meal, a bad binge, only defines us if we choose to look at it as "falling off of the bus" as opposed to just "sticking our head out", even though both are dangerous.
So let's all change, eh? Let's really try and change a little bit more everyday so that we can make steps closer to the people we want to be. I know it's possible.
Are you ready to make a change?
CHANGE!
Seriously, that is what this life is all about. Learning to make changes and becoming the best possible people we can be.
We experience change in a lot of ways. We are constantly changing (as is everyone and everything else). Changing hair, jobs, new additions to family, people die, we move across the country, friends move across the country, we become more in tune with God and His plan for us, the trends change and we try and adapt to be the hippest, most fashionable person. (I try, usually people stop and stare and go 'really? you put THOSE together?')
So why, even though we are all about change, and change follows us around, why is it so hard to make really important changes? Changes that will affect the rest of our lives, and the quality of our lives right now in this moment.
Because it's hard. Change is hard.
But, as portrayed earlier. Change is inevitable! It's always happening, so we really just need to accept the fact that in order to have the life we want, be the person we want to be, and have the joy that we SO deserve, (and I might add, wear the Jcrew skinny jeans that I've been dreaming about), we have to suck it up, make a decision, and MAKE A CHANGE. That's what we have to do.
I have fallen down a few times lately. BUT I've gotten back up. I feel like that's a positive change to make, to realize that having a bad night, a bad meal, a bad binge, only defines us if we choose to look at it as "falling off of the bus" as opposed to just "sticking our head out", even though both are dangerous.
So let's all change, eh? Let's really try and change a little bit more everyday so that we can make steps closer to the people we want to be. I know it's possible.
Are you ready to make a change?
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
A New Creature.
today I was reading in the Book of Mormon about becoming a new "creature".
Thats really what this life is all about. Changing and striving to become better so that we can ultimately return to live with our Father in Heaven.
This process, becoming a new "creature"... I think about a butterfly and how it becomes a butterfly. It has to wait a loooooong time, probably uncomfortably, and probably wondering if this transformation will EVER happen. and then BAM! It does, a cocoon turns into a butterfly.
I am on a journey to become the butterfly that my Heavenly Father knows I can become. We all are.
Thats really what this life is all about. Changing and striving to become better so that we can ultimately return to live with our Father in Heaven.
This process, becoming a new "creature"... I think about a butterfly and how it becomes a butterfly. It has to wait a loooooong time, probably uncomfortably, and probably wondering if this transformation will EVER happen. and then BAM! It does, a cocoon turns into a butterfly.
I am on a journey to become the butterfly that my Heavenly Father knows I can become. We all are.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Wull...I just have to say...
Wull...
I just have to say, I had the best morning. I woke up, ate breakfast and read my scriptures, went for a run, and then had time to watch "The Biggest Loser" (I'm catching up on all the seasons I missed on the mish) and get ready for work. When we got in the car to head to work, I felt so good that I had accomplished so much of my "to do" list before even going to work.
I just have to say, when we can put God first on our "to do" list, the day just goes so much better. To be able to wake up and the first thing I did (wull, after making my breakfast...) was to spend time learning from the Book of Mormon. I was filled with peace, comfort and learned a lot just from reading for 30 ish minutes. I miss the structured study schedule we had on the mission. I also recognize that we have to do the best we can to make sure that we get in some alone time with God. We need it, trust me. I love the Book of Mormon.
I just have to say, today I was feeling a little nervous, knowing that tomorrow I am weighing in for week 9 on the program. I had a hard night this week that might affect my weight loss this week, I might not even lose to be honest. And then I put on a darling pair of polka dot pants from Ann Taylor that I just recently bought, and they were a bit loose, and a size 12. And I thought "Why am I so worried about a number on a scale? I feel great, and that's what's important." So I have resolved to put the scale away but once a week for my weekly weigh-in (I've been weighing daily to track my progress... I haven't felt too obsessed about it until this week so now I know I need to make a change). I want to put my energy and focus into the lifestyle I am now living, filled with hope and possiblities for things I always wanted, not in a number on the scale.
I just have to say, I also felt very strongly at church yesterday that I don't need to stress about dating, marriage, etc. I need to go forward, working on becoming the best possible Bay there is, and that God will take care of things. No need for stress. I have a lot to look forward to in the next years, so why stress?! No more stress! (That being said, I would invite all of you to pray that my husband will appear out of the sky, or keep your eyes out for a striking tall, dark and handsome man for you to set me up with... I won't complain)
I just have to say, I am really done for work to be over and really excited to go to a Jazz class tonight!
I just have to say, I had the best morning. I woke up, ate breakfast and read my scriptures, went for a run, and then had time to watch "The Biggest Loser" (I'm catching up on all the seasons I missed on the mish) and get ready for work. When we got in the car to head to work, I felt so good that I had accomplished so much of my "to do" list before even going to work.
I just have to say, when we can put God first on our "to do" list, the day just goes so much better. To be able to wake up and the first thing I did (wull, after making my breakfast...) was to spend time learning from the Book of Mormon. I was filled with peace, comfort and learned a lot just from reading for 30 ish minutes. I miss the structured study schedule we had on the mission. I also recognize that we have to do the best we can to make sure that we get in some alone time with God. We need it, trust me. I love the Book of Mormon.
I just have to say, today I was feeling a little nervous, knowing that tomorrow I am weighing in for week 9 on the program. I had a hard night this week that might affect my weight loss this week, I might not even lose to be honest. And then I put on a darling pair of polka dot pants from Ann Taylor that I just recently bought, and they were a bit loose, and a size 12. And I thought "Why am I so worried about a number on a scale? I feel great, and that's what's important." So I have resolved to put the scale away but once a week for my weekly weigh-in (I've been weighing daily to track my progress... I haven't felt too obsessed about it until this week so now I know I need to make a change). I want to put my energy and focus into the lifestyle I am now living, filled with hope and possiblities for things I always wanted, not in a number on the scale.
I just have to say, I also felt very strongly at church yesterday that I don't need to stress about dating, marriage, etc. I need to go forward, working on becoming the best possible Bay there is, and that God will take care of things. No need for stress. I have a lot to look forward to in the next years, so why stress?! No more stress! (That being said, I would invite all of you to pray that my husband will appear out of the sky, or keep your eyes out for a striking tall, dark and handsome man for you to set me up with... I won't complain)
I just have to say, I am really done for work to be over and really excited to go to a Jazz class tonight!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Not gonna do it.
It's been a rough week for me in the food/contol/emotional- eating department. Good news is, I only went off-program for a second, and then got right back on and have been great ever since.
Bad news is, there is a lot of treats on the kitchen counter and because I have had a silly brain week, they are actually tempting me, which in recent histroy hasn't really been a huge problem because I've been so motivated by my progress each week.
SO. Here's my "why" for not giving in to temptation today:
Just bought these babies.....
In a size 10....
So All's I'm Sayin Is... I have to fit into these.
And soon.
Stay tuned, I'll definitely let you all know when I am wearing them. And there will be a picture to prove it!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
On the BRINK of CHANGE
So... it's time for a change.
After all, life is always changing, and every once in a while, you need something new (some more than others... speaking of new things... ask me about my new Anthro pants that I've been dreaming about. The sale rack and me have a serious love affair at Anthro).
SO. I'm starting a website. It's currently under construction. Check it out.
www.brinkofchange.com
I need a place where I can go, where I can whisper what I know (yes, that is from a Secret Garden song that I used to sing as a kid over and over again). I really wanted a blog to share my journey of change, which is a life-long journey, so this site will never go out of style. I'm pretty excited about it.
However, until it is done, I want to be sure to do daily posts about my journey, happenings, thoughts, loves, etc. And then when the site is up and running, that will be my new place, although I might keep Alls I'm Sayin for certain things.
SO... today.....
I had to really focus the last couple days on what I REALLY want. I think we can get so distracted by things that are right in front of us. In this case, it was a serious anxiety attack that involved a lot of fruit snacks and cereal.
Yep. I binged a little. But you know what? ITS OK. I got right back on track and let it be in the past. I need to evaluate what happened and what I was feeling when that happened... Now I've been back on track for 2 days and I feel great. NBD.
When I am faced with anxiety it is usually about something I can't control. Its so interesting how we allow ourselves to be consumed by things that we really can not to do anything about. This particular day I had a lot of negative thoughts about relationships that I have had, being frustrated by outcomes and by things out of my control. And also being SO grateful for these relationships, even though they did not turn out the way I really and truly thought they would. I recognize these experiences with these people as blessings, as wonderful friends that I will be able to love forever.
Life is good. I am truly grateful and ready to go to a Lyrical class tonight. Finally starting to feel like Bailee again.
After all, life is always changing, and every once in a while, you need something new (some more than others... speaking of new things... ask me about my new Anthro pants that I've been dreaming about. The sale rack and me have a serious love affair at Anthro).
SO. I'm starting a website. It's currently under construction. Check it out.
www.brinkofchange.com
I need a place where I can go, where I can whisper what I know (yes, that is from a Secret Garden song that I used to sing as a kid over and over again). I really wanted a blog to share my journey of change, which is a life-long journey, so this site will never go out of style. I'm pretty excited about it.
However, until it is done, I want to be sure to do daily posts about my journey, happenings, thoughts, loves, etc. And then when the site is up and running, that will be my new place, although I might keep Alls I'm Sayin for certain things.
SO... today.....
I had to really focus the last couple days on what I REALLY want. I think we can get so distracted by things that are right in front of us. In this case, it was a serious anxiety attack that involved a lot of fruit snacks and cereal.
Yep. I binged a little. But you know what? ITS OK. I got right back on track and let it be in the past. I need to evaluate what happened and what I was feeling when that happened... Now I've been back on track for 2 days and I feel great. NBD.
When I am faced with anxiety it is usually about something I can't control. Its so interesting how we allow ourselves to be consumed by things that we really can not to do anything about. This particular day I had a lot of negative thoughts about relationships that I have had, being frustrated by outcomes and by things out of my control. And also being SO grateful for these relationships, even though they did not turn out the way I really and truly thought they would. I recognize these experiences with these people as blessings, as wonderful friends that I will be able to love forever.
Life is good. I am truly grateful and ready to go to a Lyrical class tonight. Finally starting to feel like Bailee again.
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