make glemonade

As weeks go, the 52nd week of the year is one of my favorites: between Christmas and New Years. You get the opportunity to reflect on the year you are finishing while anticipating the fresh start and the things to come. I was expecting something very different out of 2012. When we started the year, we had recently discovered are inability to produce spawn. It was a freshly opened wound, but it stayed for awhile. I tried not to take a lot of time to think about it. But I thought about it all the time. It's so draining to constantly think about something that you can't fix and can't control. I specifically remember a conversation Eric and I had with one of his sisters. She and her husband have a really hard time getting pregnant, and she just asked us what we were waiting for? If we knew we had only one option for biological children, why wait? And I knew we just had to go for it. Why waste time thinking about it when we knew other things wouldn't work? So around Ma...

Well, when I see the quote run around the internet that "the best things in life aren't things..." my initial reaction is 'that doesn't make any sense. Obviously if you are thinking of something that isn't a "thing" then you should not be using that phrase'. BUT instead of being a brat, I will just get the point. Yes, my family are my favorite things. And let me tell you the reasons why: My dad is very brave. He works tirelessly and always has to provide for our family. He has sacrificed a lot of things, including, to a great extent, his social life, his hobbies, to keep our family going. I am so proud of him. He also sacrifices his own time serving in church, and has for a long time. My dad is also an excellent listener. He is wise, and weighs out what you say and gives his advice, then let's you decide. I think what I really admire about my mom is that she always seems to be true to herself. I don't know if she has ever said somethi...

So my mom asked if we could do blog topics, in order to foster the growth of a healthy blog. These are her topics for September, and I immediately fell behind. And in order to catch up (for which I am actually not under any obligation) I am going to do them all at once and quite late at night. I may wake up tomorrow and find this was a bad choice. That what i find amusing at this hour will not be nearly as amusing at 11am. But nevertheless.  WEEK 1: Tell us your superhero name and power WEEK 2: Your LEAST favorite thing to do WEEK 3: What almost always gives you goosebumps WEEK 4: If you could instantly be proficient at anything, what would you choose? I don't know what my superhero name would be, but I think it would start with The. Like The Scar! Yes, that's it (before I figured this out I typed The Awesome, The WonderHol, and the UnKnife...  not some of my best ideas). And I'd like to be able to heal people, things (get it?! the scar?! like as in I healed them so I...

"What the... you're NOT my MOM..." "Oh. It's okay, you're my Aunt Holly!" Dressed and ready to go on Friday. Check out the kicks. Everytime I turned around she had stole another apple from our box of apples we keep on the floor... hmmm.  I kept putting it on the counter and Eric kept moving it back to the floor. Trying to make her feel at home by eating breakfast on Saturday. A tradition for the Guz  Fam. Saturday "Is that me?" "It is me! Yay!" As only babies do, she somehow figured out how to change the camera on  my phone to all white. But look at those pretty blue eyes. Sunday Morning Nap. Football Football... More Football My living room last night. This may not seem disastrous to others but it gave me major anxiety. She was all over the place that night. ...so obviously I gave her an otter pop to calm her down. I loved my weekend playing mommy. It was h...

With the blog challenge and a few other things, I realized that I haven't actually posted about our happenings since March. And even then it was solely an update on Eric's scan. If Peggy (my late mother-in-law) were around she would say, "Tell me about Holly". She always asked the questions that I didn't want to answer. Things are hard right now. I know I haven't written anything about our  struggle with infertility since... December?  On the one hand, I can't believe it has been that long since we started trying to figure out this baby thing. On the other hand, this summer felt like it was twelve months long. The pain that has accompanied this process  trial is far more than I ever could have anticipated. Mostly emotional, some physical. It is damaging. It has been damaging from the get-go. And my only hope is that it won't always be damaging. I do see in my mind a picture of me, with 2 or 3 kids someday (thoughts of a big family have been dashe...

My favorite comfort food is probably tuna noodle casserole. But you already knew that. I also have recently started trying new meatloaves, when they are on the menu. A trivial quirk of mine is setting any number that I choose to an even number. Namely volumes, my alarms. Proof: That's all.

1. I want to see the Harlem Globe Trotters. This is cheesy, but true. I've always wanted to see them. Eric and I were making a bucket list a few months ago, just for the sake of having goals, I told him I want to see them and he told me I had to make a separate list for just me hahahahaha. FINE. I'll go see them by myself. I don't care. I ain't scared. 2. My bucket list travel starts off within the United States . There is so much history here that I have not seen. But it feels so doable. You know? I've seen so much of the West, though I would like to see the  Redwood Forest and the Grand Canyon. I need to go to NYC (and see a Broadway musical) and Philadelphia (I really want to see the Liberty Bell--- is that weird?). I'd like to go to Maine for the lighthouses and then Houston, to roam the streets where Eric once proselyted. After that, my bucket list travel includes New Zealand , most of South America but especially Argentina , and then Spain . T...

There was a time in my life when I cried at least 3 times a week. I believe it is most commonly referred to as puberty. Lately I feel like I'm back on that track, but for other reasons. At least I hope so... unless my right boob wants to finally catch up with my left one. I'd be alright with that. But some things are not to share with everyone (did she really just say that after she told us that her left boob is bigger than her right?!). So I'm going to pick a time I cried about a week and a half ago: I read this book. Oh. My. Gosh. Read it in three days.Which is saying a lot considering the last book I read took me 4 months (World War Z--- if you are wondering. Also awesome, just didn't have time). I made Lisa read it and this was the text conversation following: Lisa: Were you crying throughout the last 100 pages of this book? I keep thinking that's it but then another sentence starts the tears again. Holly: Yes. Yes yes yes. Ok, the text convo was...

I am going to leave out people because I don't think they are things. And because it's obvious to me the people that are really there for me, and obvious to them as well, I hope. So here are a few things that make me feel better always: Lizzie, Hobbes, and Viva These are my doggies. They live with my parents. Technically, they do belong to them, not me. I know for a fact that one of my sisters drove 4 and a half hours in a time of misery just to be with these puppies. They are very healing. Especially that sweet boy in the middle. I've dreamt of stealing Hobbes many times. This is one of the first youtube videos I ever saw. Don't even ask me why I think it is so funny, I do not know. Parks and Rec and Scrubs. 

I don't read blogs. I really want to I just don't know where to find them. I've been looking at some that my sister posted, so I'm going to turn this around on you guys. Please tell me which blog you read that completely enhances your life and you would be completely lost without. Much obliged.

You thought I forgot and gave up, didn't you? No. I have just been stuck on #24. A difficult time in my life. I thought about writing a short story of a one time event, but since then I have become utterly lost for words. Paralyzed. The answer is now. NOW NOW NOW! I want to scream. But I won't. So I will take my self-awarded pass. A physical feature I like? Well that will sufficiently not scrape any open wound from which I currently suffer, so I'll take it. My shoulders and neck. They've always been lovely, slender, feminine. My mom will tell you that I should have been a hand model, but I think they are actually too big. They are pretty, but very long.

I really hate when people use "literally" incorrectly. I read this book awhile back and this might have been my favorite part. Said by an editor at the newspaper in the book: “literally: This word should be deleted. All too often, actions described as “literally” did not happen at all. As in, “He literally jumped out of his skin.” No, he did not. Though if he literally had, I’d suggest raising the element and proposing the piece for page one. Inserting “literally” willy-nilly reinforces the notion that breathless nitwits lurk within this newsroom. Eliminate on sight—the usage, not the nitwits. The nitwits are to be captured” ― Tom Rachman, The Imperfectionists I don't like when things are dusty. Especially car interiors. Other than that I think I'm pretty laid back. You can comment and remind me if you think of any others but I really can't think of any.

Off the top of my head, ish: 10. The Story So Far, NFG 9.Your Heart is an Empty Room, Death Cab for Cutie 8. Porcelain, Moby 7. Passenger Seat, Death Cab for Cutie 6.Timshel, Mumford and Sons 5. Jesus of Suburbia, Greenday 4. Heart of Life, John Mayer 3. If Work Permits, The Format 2. Pleasure and Pain, Ben Harper 1. One Headlight, The Wallflowers Currently also loving: Welcome Home, Radical Face Kick Drum Heart, The Avett Brothers Work It Out, Jurassic 5 and Dave Matthews Band Someone Else's Life, Joshua Radin Skinny Love, (as covered by) Birdy Badfish, Sublime 

late night Sunday talks with Mom, when we just weren't ready to give up on the weekend. house phones with cords that stretched all the way down the hall. the Backstreet Boys with Kevin Richardson. having a piano in my home. mix cds with quirky titles. leaving work at work. my bff maegan. Colorado.

This is awesome, because I just found some goals I wrote in my journal about five years ago and let's recap how well I've done. In May of 2007 I made goals up to a 5 year goal. I'll spare you the shorter time periods, but here was my five year: "26 years old, eh? By then I think I want to be married. And I don't think I'd mind having a kid, maybe two. In 5 years I want to have finished grad school--- so have finished in 3 years? That's realistic, right? In 5 years I want to feel like a grown up, but not too much.  I want to be helping in my community--- politically and any other way. Volunteering and working just being locally politically involved. I want to be still close with my family no matter where I live. I hope that although I'll be paying off student loans, that I will be financially stable in 5 years. I want to be buying a home by then. I want to be in love. And I want to live near a big city." Oh, 21-year-old Holly, how could you kn...

1. EATING LATE AT NIGHT.  I honestly do this all the time and the last time I was able to lose weight, well, I did a lot of lifestyle changes then, but one of them was refusing to eat after 8pm. And I'm sure it helped. Since we order in if we eat at work (except in the summer) it unfortunately makes my eating schedule 2/3pm, 7/8pm, 11pm/12am. It's not as bad anymore. I'm trying to eat breakfast even if it's small and then have lunch at 1pm now since I have more control. But oh my. It's terrible for my hips. 2. THE MORE STRESSED I AM THE MORE I PICK MY FACE/LOOK FOR SPLIT ENDS. I seriously can't stand when people look at their split ends, but if my hair is long enough and I have it down I will do it at some point during the day. I try to limit it because I detest it. 3. I DON'T LIKE TO SHARE MY FEELINGS. I don't like to talk about my problems. And I hold them in for a long time before I seriously break down. Sometimes I never break down, which is mayb...

You have to read Lisa's on this one, it's a poem and it's awesome. DARK. I am afraid of the dark. I didn't think I was until I got married and had someone to witness my fear. The good news is I'm confident enough in my skin to not really care about ruining my tough-girl image. I turn the lights on all the way back to our room when I go to bed. Hall light on, living room off, bedroom hall on, hall light off, Light beside my bed on, bedroom hall light off. Worth it. I also will not look at a mirror without a light on. I'm sure it stems from "Bloody Mary" as a child/preteen, but I am genuinely afraid I will see a ghost/spirit beside me. I just don't want to deal with that, so I turn the light on or run by. I also will not run after dark, even if it's with a buddy. I wish I could because I often get home from work when it's dark except now, when it's 105 degrees still... anyways, I'm really scared of being attacked in the dark....

For those of you who do not know already, my mother read to us every night before bed when we were kids. I think it is important to give her credit for this whenever I can, because it instilled in each of us a great love for reading that has no doubt increased our intelligence, cultivated our thirst for knowledge, and of course, given us a hobby that is, well, wonderful. I don't think you will find a Mahan that will not read to their children every night. So thank you, Mom. Although I have not read them since I was a child and she read them to us, I would have to say the books that left the biggest impression on me were A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh and The House at Pooh Corner (I believe it was the complete set). Revisiting makes me want to read them very soon. I wonder how it will be. “Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to...

Actually since it is a dream job , let's dream that I'm not somewhat allergic to animals. With that being the case, I think it would be really awesome to run a dog shelter OR train dogs. I don't really care about the logistics of the business, I just want to be able to take care of dogs all day long. Didn't know I was a crazy lady, huh? At least it's not cats. P.S. I was raised around dogs ergo didn't realize I am somewhat allergic to them until I left home for college and lost my immunity. I can handle being around them, but some are worse than others. Some don't bother me at all. All cats kill me. I am brutally allergic to them.

Well, isn't this fitting to reveal, based on the gloomy outlook of my "handbag" . Although it is work-centered, I actually enjoy my daily grind. I wake up between 7:30 and 9:30am. I have the luxury of heading in to work whenever I choose. In my busy season (which is September to May) I go in later because the people I work with work late, and I'll be there until 7 or 8pm either way, no point in getting there at 9am. This time of year I am at work around 9am, because it is my slow season I can leave around 5pm. I work all day and I really like my job. Most days. I work with very strong sales personalities that can be just as fun as they are annoying. In the summer I take lunches, September to May I don't. Fall/Winter I would come home around 8 and Eric would have cleaned the house and often prepared dinner for me. I would work on church stuff at night and wake up and do it over again. It was very tiring. Weekends also filled with church quickly. There have be...

Occasionally I use a purse. I have a few small Coach bags, which I love, and a brown Jessica Simpson that is my old faithful. I bought her when I got a raise and I love her. BUT most of the time I am using this: I am unfortunately in the habit of working a lot. So this thing has my laptop, which is dinosaur looking, although not actually very old. It is just a business laptop, so they didn't go for sleek looks. The front of the main pocket has my wallet, passport (the only ID I have with my married name), chapstick, and a few pens. The side pocket has my phone, the front flap has any work receipts. It is cumbersome, but it's nice to have a work bag that is functional. I won it at the work Christmas party, in an ugly sweater contest. My boss told me I only won because everybody likes me. Ha! I guess there are worse ways to win something. But my sweater really wasn't the ugliest.

I think if I had time I could write about this one forever. I will not go back through all my favorite books and find the amazing quotes in them. You should check out my mom's and sisters' blogs, they all had great quotes. Their blogs are linked on my right sidebar. I am going to share with you my all time favorites, that mean the world to me, but I am not going to explain why. From Ulysses by Sir Alfred Lord Tennyson “Though much is taken, much abides; and though We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are; One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.” From The Prophet by Khalil Gibran "But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not...

This is an Eric question. I don't think about winning the lottery, because I don't ever plan on buying a lotto ticket [insert eye roll from Eric--- most people don't plan on buying lotto tickets and winning, but they still think about it]. I think Eric has a plan for any large amount of cash. So I guess I could also say I don't worry about it because he will know what to do! And don't worry family, you are all taken care of by the plan. The thing I would do first is pay off any student loan debt I still had and buy a house. These are probably first on anyone's list (or any other debt they may have), but I am so anxious to pay off my student loans that it is annoying. Let's think about something fun to buy... I know I don't have to be rich to buy these, but I would love to have several dogs and a place for them to play and enjoy their lives, and the time to really play with and take care of them! I would buy a Jeep again. Pr...

Well, I, unlike my sisters, have not birthed a child yet. I know that will be my most proud moment some day in the future. For now I really have to dig deep and think about proud moments in my life. It is difficult, because as I leaf through the proud moment rolodex in my mind, all the memories that pop out are when I was proud of someone else. There are a million tiny moments when I was so proud of Eric for being the strongest, bravest person I know throughout his cancer experience. I was awesomely proud of my sister Lisa when she birthed that sweet baby girl. I am so proud of Jen and Stef for the brave way they face their daily adversity.  My little sister Kelli works full time and kicks serious A in all her classes at CMU constantly. She has multiple scholarships and I even made her send me her last report card so I could hang it on my fridge.   After truly mulling it over, I think most of my most proud m...

So I am much like my sister, Stefanie (her blog post on the subject here) , my first true celebrity crush was JTT. Every girl our age liked him. I was a product of my generation, I hardly had a choice. And this is exactly how I remember him. Oh, Home Improvement! And the Lion King. Who didn't melt when they realized he was Simba's voice?! Then, like Stef, I also must confess my love for the BSB. And my chosen crush was Kevin Richardson. All my friends were obsessed with the BSB, and we eached liked our own one. For your viewing pleasure. My last one is my unique one. Wondering who else remembers this movie... I loved Rocky, but I always had to have Colt as my imaginary boyfriend becuase Stef got Rocky, I had Colt, and Lisa got Tum Tum hahahahaha. Age order. What can you do? 

I was talking to my sister today and became greatly amused as she informed me that most of her blog posts from this challenge get 40-60 hits, but hers on body piercings and tattoos has almost 100. She spoke with another sister and she has had a similar experience. I love all of you nosy people! I will disappoint on this matter: I only have my ears pierced once. I have never had any other piercing and never really wanted one. Maybe not never, but not enough. Let me explain why. When I was very young, the LDS Church (to which I belong) did not really have a strong stance on body piercings or tattoos. They had a general look-clean-and-modest approach, as far as I know. When I was a Mia Maid, which is the group class for 14-15 year old girls, we had a very small group of girls, and I got to know my church leaders at the time very well. It was the year 2000, and President Gordon B. Hinckley was our prophet. In General Conference  he addressed the Priesthood (a session addressed to...

Stefanie and me :)  Natalie, Me, Lisa Can't resist the family photo.

10 favorite foods. Hmmmm. I am first going to address that I will be behind because today is an old photo of me and I'm on vacation so Im nowhere near a scanner or photos. Also I may have to commandeer my mother for that one, she is also on vacation, with me. Not at home. I'm sure everyone is waiting with baited breath, so please try to stay calm. Back to food: 1. Chicken enchiladas American style. You know the white ones made from cream of celery and stuff. So not Mexican food, but they're my fave. 2. Pasta Alfredo. This is my go-to for most restaurants. The best variations of this are pasta carrabba (Carrabba's) and the blackened chicken alfredo (Winger's). 3. Tuna casserole. This is not a joke. 4. Meatloaf. Also not a joke. 5. I'm trying to think of something healthy so I don't look like a slob. But... Nothing is coming to mind. Ooh! Ooh! Green beans. I'll eat them straight from the can. 6. Is Pepsi a food? 7. Chipotle tacos. 8. Am...

I love learning. I love school. There was a portion of college in which I struggled enough emotionally that it affected my grades (besides the fact that, being 100% honest, BYU is really tough! The expectations are extremely high and with much learning, much is required), but besides that time I always have done very well in school (including the end of my stay at BYU). My eyes welled up in my calculus class when they presented the first and second fundamental theorems of calculus, because it just all made sense. At first I wrote "I am intelligent" instead of "I love learning", but as I wrote I realized that I am smart, but a lot of that comes from the enjoyment I get from discovering new things. However, I also love the fact that my boss sends everyone to me to edit their documents at work. I enjoy word games and reading. I am intelligent. But the two connect seamlessly, for me. I am pretty funny. I am not going to attempt to be funny in this paragraph, way...

Until I met Eric, I didn't watch reality TV. Ever. I watched some TV, but it was more the Friends/Scrubs type of stuff...are those counted as sitcoms? Anyways, most reality TV I still roll my eyes in its general direction. But not one. I never watch or really care about Real World... but MTV has a show where these real world stars (also Road Rules, which I don't think is a show anymore and I never saw). My mom was over once when we were watching it. I believe she likes to call it the "bleep bleep" show, becuase they are so profane that was the gist of what she heard. But I LOVE it. They are mean and inappropriate generally speaking, and I can't get enough. Wes is my favorite. For those of you that share this secret shame with me, who is your favorite?

I believe that my earliest childhood memory is sadly when I was around 3 years old at church my friend Lance shoved me as we were walking down the hall (he was normally such a polite boy). I remember the sight of running into the corner. And that was my first black eye. p.s. I have a horrible memory, and I have very few actual specific memories from my childhood. My mom could probably correct even this snippet.

Oddly, I have a lot of names to talk about. Eric and I (along with others each time) have had a few businesses since we have been married. We have had The Mug. The name is self explanatory. Ah. Remember this?! I am probably the only one out of the four of us that misses it, because I am the only one that worked in it less than a handful of times. Eric says he misses it for what it is, not what it was. Eric had a business called Orion Express UC. Orion is still in business in SLC, but the Utah County outfit is dissolved. We had some good times and he has some great stories about A-D list celebrities and his adventures at Sundance. We learned from that experience. But my point is, we didn't get to name that one. I have no idea why it was called Orion. And 40 Winks. This was an LLC Eric used when pitching a show to a couple big wigs. He did this with a brother-in-law, and they tried to name it 1,000 different things. They couldn't decide and Dave finally said, "...

This is going to take me forever. I've been trying to come up with things all day and I think I have two. ONE  I journal. I have five full journals plus my current, starting in December 1997. I thought the old ones were lost forever when my parents moved from Broomfield to Montrose, and I had one of my happiest moments when I found them in my parents garage this last year. I don't write all the time, but they mean a lot to me. TWO  I love Pepsi. I hate Coke (I tolerate it at Chipotle only, and Cherry Coke at the movies). I love Pepsi in this order: fountain, can. I'd rather not drink from a plastic bottle at all. And there is also a scale of fountain Pepsi, which is the 7Eleven in American Fork, then any Crest (which is a group of Sinclairs around here), and then any other. Dr. Pepper is my other drug of choice and it in best order is 1. in a can from the laundry mat in Broomfield, CO 2. noodles and co 3. anywhere else. Most people don't screw up their Dr. P...