I Make the Good Samaritan look Like a Real A-Hole Part 2

I'm trying to lose weight because, as many of those who have been around me the last year know, I am morbidly obese. Since I'm actively trying to shed the pounds I am replacing candy bars with Special-K bars, however I don't think that eating 20 Special-K bars at a time really serves the purpose that I am trying to achieve. So I am sitting in my car at the local gas station parking lot, having just purchased a 44 oz refill of Diet Coke and a Special-K bar, unwrapping the Special-K bar when it starts to downpour. As I am about to bite into the Special-K bar a lady comes up to the drivers side window, I roll down the window, and she proceeds to tell me she is a child of God. I think I'm going to teach a free class at the YMCA to pan handlers on the appropriate way to ask strangers for money or favors. Step 1 would be to get straight to the point, we know what you want so don't waste our time trying to make us feel guilty. Anyways, we are caught in the middle of a Midwest summer downpour and she proceeds to tell me that she is locked out of her house and that she needs a ride back to her home. Before I offer to help she tells me that she needs to get her daughter-in-law so she walks away leaving me a little confused as to what just happened. (side note its not actually her daughter in law in the sense that she is married to the lady's son but just another lady that lives in the same house as her, I don't know why she calls her "daughter-in-law," I try not to put to much thought into it. In fact if you try to put any thought into many of the facts of this story you will just end up even more confused.) So a moment after disappearing the lady returns with her daughter in law and the two jump into my car before I can agree or refuse their proposition to drive them home.
Once in the car the two begin to chatter simultaneously about how thankful they are that I am driving them home and that I am an answer to their prayers. I don't know if I was an answer to their prayers exactly since they pretty much just jumped into my car but I guess if their prayers were that God send them some insecure kid who feels bad telling refusing to drive them home, then God answered their prayers. Once I got them calmed down to tell me what they needed me to do they told me that they needed me to drive them to their pastors house in order to get money to pay the locksmith so they could once again reenter their house.
Now I have given rides to enough strangers to realize where this was headed. In fact In my class at the YMCA I'm going to teach the students to avoid this strategy because it has been overplayed and in class we are going to brainstorm original strategies to replace the strategy of "someone owes me money and I need you to drive me to get it." The outcome is always the same, the person who owes them money is not there and now they have you in some strange neighborhood and are begging you to help them with a little cash. So I tell them I can help them pay for the locksmith so they can get into their house after we drive to the church and, to our astonished surprised, the pastor was not there.
At this point the "daughter-in-law' proceeded to thank me and to show her appreciation with offers to clean my house or to give me a massage but "nothing like prostitution. . .unless that's what you want. . .you're cute. . .I'll make you feel good." I respectfully declined but reaffirmed that I would help without any need to repay me in any form.
So I got some money and drove them to the locksmiths house where they would get the key so they could enter the house. . . and that's when I realized that I was assisting in a drug deal. I know what your thinking, " the strangers that offered themselves for prostitution were using you to drive them to a drug deal?"
I know, shocking.
I mean, what locksmith makes you a new key when you lock yourself out of your house? Usually they go to your house, use their tools to pick the lock, and then let you in. So we go to the locksmith/drug dealers house, the lady takes the money for the key/drugs to the door and then 25 minutes later returns and informs me we can return to her house.
I realize this looks bad, assisting people in obtaining drugs is not what I wanted to do on my Sunday night especially since I have a final the next morning. I blame Jesus. If he hadn't given his whole speech about "If you do it to the least of your brothers, you have done it unto me," I wouldn't have felt guilty if I had just refused to give them a ride. Instead I assisted them in trading my cash for illegal narcotics. Thanks Jesus.
Anyways after driving them back to their house they informed me that I needed to drop them off at their neighbors because they were still locked out of the house. I didn't bother asking them why they didn't have the key to the house if they had just given the locksmith the money I gave them because as I established, I realized at this point what was going on. So I dropped them off and as I hit the gas they tried to tell me their cell phone numbers if I ever wanted that "massage."

You're Welcome America

I Can't Concentrate Ever. . .or Adult Onset ADD Is A Serrious Problem

I have been working on my personal statement for law school applications for two whole months and I am still not near being done. So far I have listed the fact that I can do backflips off couches, played both Jean Valjean and Cosette simultaneously in an off-braodway production of Les Miserables, hung out with Full House star Jodi Sweetin, and still I need more. Its not my fault that the girl using the computer across from me is smoking hot and that my awkward stares are frightening both of us. I think I'm going to cut off a piece of my hair and give it to her. I read somewhere that girls really like that. Speaking of hair, I look homeless. I haven't cut my hair in months and haven't shaved in a week.
I would be done with my paper if it wasn't for the awesomeness of the Internet. I'm in fact taking a break from taking a break to write on my blog. Usually in my break time I'm staring at Steve Rizley's facebook page or thinking about really cool pick up lines I could be saying to the smoking hot girl at the computer next to me, so writing in my blog falls somewhere in between those two on the productiveness scale.
Awesome pick up lines for random girl next to me:

1. Cough
2. shake the table with my knees
3. tap her on the shoulder and run off

Ok, none of those are actual pick up lines but they will get her to notice me. I just did number 1 followed by a creepy stare. She has now given me an awkward smile. Success!!!

You're welcome america

Too close, bro, too close

The worst thing imaginable is when you are standing at a urinal and there are five other urinals open but some guy walks right up and stands next to you. Last time this happened I just looked over to the guy and said "Hey, ours are about the same size. Were you adopted too? Maybe we are brothers."

Problem solved.

You're Welcome America.

Steve Rizley: Man, Myth, Legend or Messiah?

My good friend, world of warcraft clan co-founder, and father of my child Steve Rizley just finished Officer Candidate School for the Army which means that he gets to be some big wig for Uncle Sam. To congratulate him I text messaged him all the lyrics to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" written by Jim Steinman and sung by Bonnie Tyler. Well, I didn't get all the lyrics sent to him, I got bored after the third line so my last text ended "little bit tired of listening to the sound of my." The Suspense is killing Steve as he is grinding his nails off trying to think what sound I am tired of listening to.

Here are some really cool true facts about Stephen Merril Rizley:

1. Once called in three helicopters in one round of Modern Warfare

2. Some 13 year old kid killed Steve's level 50 paladin in World of Warcraft so Steve kidnapped the kid's parents and held them in his cabin until the kid payed Steve 1 million manna points.

3. Steve Rizley survived the nazi zombie infestation by bunkering himself in an old French military communications post and using toothpicks to construct a Springfield M1903 rifle.

4. He is the only person in American military history to be commanded not to wear a shirt on the battlefield, his abs alone have been known to stop 7 Taliban ambushes.

5. A picture of Steve Rizley is used in third world countries to cure erectile dysfunction and also to increase fertility.

6. Steve Rizley fathered John Conner.

7. He is credited as being DaVinci's "Muse"

8. Invented skateboarding's 720 from fakie grab mute.

9. Beat the embalmed corpse of Vladimir Lennin in an 8 day starring contest.

10. Has done a one handed hand stand for two years straight

Congrats Steve!

Here is a Picture of Steve's World of Warcraft character, Dwarfimus Maximus, riding a ram into battle

You're Welcome America

Hayden Panettiere has a super hot one.

Are you familiar with the expression "opinions are like belly buttons, everyone has one and no one cares?"

Cause what if someone had a pierced opinion? I think I would care a lot about that.

You're Welcome America

Art Mimics Life. . .but director Kathryn Bigelow straight up stole my identity

This will not come as a surprise to any of you but I am stating it online so that it gets some national attention and I can get the royalties I deserve. The 1991 blockbuster action film Point Break, starring Keanue Reaves, Patrick Swayze and Gary Busey, is a complete unauthorized rip-off of my life.

Facts about my life:

1. I have eaten at Neptunes Net in Malibu and ordered the shrimp basket

Facts about Point Break:

1. Keanu Reaves character, Johnny Utah, eats at Neptunes Net and orders the shrimp basket.

And then there is a bunch of stuff in the movie about surfing, bank robberies, and sky diving but my memory is foggy on that stuff cause I was only 9 when it all happened. Anyways, I'm expecting 20% on all DVD and poster sales.

You're Welcome America

Nick Lachey will probably stop being my facebook friend after this post.

Every generation has one idealist, with no ego nor personal agenda other than to help progress the human race's evolution towards pure awesomeness, whom breaks away from the herds of conformists and risks his life by opposing the establishment and popular view by stating unequivocal truths against the hierarchy of their time. These views have helped shaped 21st century ethics and laws and abolished faulty belief systems. Gallileo fought against the Clergy in explaining the origins of the universe. George Washington single handily overthrew the British tyranny of the Colonies. Upton Sinclair exposed the atrocities of the food packing industry. Martin Luther King Jr. squashed social injustice and racial prejudices. Macgyver told the laws of physics to go screw themselves and built hydrogen bombs out of paperclips, bubblegum and shampoo.

Like these men before I speak out against the faults I see in humanity and science. For years I have warned of douchiness in the attire worn by the masses. In 1933 I spoke out against the Swastika claiming that it might be the douchiest accessory ever invented. In 1986 I warned about the douchiness of the British Knight sneaker and despite a few bloody noses on the Espe elementary playground I never rescinded my comments. In 1993 I admonished young adults across the nation to not get tribal tattoos or barbed wire tattoos. In 1996 I claimed that pukka shell necklaces might replace the Swastika as the douchiest accessory ever invented yet young college students on spring break in Cancun continued to buy them and recently divorced mothers off on vacation in Hawaii with their new boyfriends continued to purchase them as gifts for their children they left at home.

Now in 2009 I declare leather wristbands the quintessential douche addition to any outfit. Ladies, when approaching the opposite sex if you notice a leather wristband you can be assured of the following things:

1. He is a complete douche

2. He owns an inappropriate amount of Ed Hardy shirts.

3. Do not mention you read. . .he will lose interest

4. His favorite movie is Jackass

5. He may fictitiously claim to be a UFC fighter

6. The bump above his lip is not a zit.

Its not easy being the one to point these things out and despite years of name calling and death threats I continue to do it with the hopes that one day we as a society can over come acceptance of douchiness in all its forms. I'm not a hero, however, future generations will name high schools after me.

You're welcome America