In my Trousers by the Loo.

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My brother Adrian has just gone off on a weeks holiday and I thought, 

now is a good time to do a post on cats.

Adrian doesn’t like cats. “Too many cats on your blog” he says.

If fact I don’t think he likes rabbits and dogs either.

And I know for sure he is not too keen on ponies because of their expense!.

He fancies birds - the feathered type. He supports the RSPB, you see.

But I was reading that even the RSPB, the protector of the UK’s wild bird population, agrees that cats are not causing a decline in wild bird populations. There’s evidence that cats tend to take weak or sickly birds, and it’s likely that birds taken by cats would have died anyway before the next breeding season from other causes. According the the RSPB website, cat predation only has the potential to be a significant problem when they live close to scarce habitats, where they could potentially be damaging to species with a restricted range or species dependent on a fragmented habitat .

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So how about starting off with a true story.

A reception class pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. 

“How do you know that the cat was dead?“ she asked her pupil. 

“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,“ answered the child innocently. 

“You did WHAT?“ the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 

“You know,“ explained the boy, 

“I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ in its ear and it didn’t move”

Well, apart from Adrian, I’ve had a number of requests for a feline blog and to be honest, I didn’t know really where to start. My ‘Pictures Folder’ (now fully retrieved) is packed full of pictures taken over many years, of many cats, in many places.

You see -

Pussycats sleep anywhere, any table, any chair,

Top of cold-bag, window ledge,

In the middle, on the edge.

In my trousers by the loo,

Anybody’s shoe will do,

Fitted in a cardboard box.

With a hoover, with your socks… anywhere!

They don’t care!

Pussycats sleep anywhere.

And some fitting pictures!

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"Top of Cold-Bag"

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"Window Ledge"

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"In my Trousers by the Loo"

(Seventeen years ago, when Wes was a wee kitten,

he used to climb into my trousers when they dropped to my ankles,

for essential functions - he still tries!) 

I have to step out and find another pair.

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"Anybody's Shoe will do"

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"Fitted in a Cardboard Box"

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"With a Hoover"

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The most cats I’ve had around the place at one time, was four. That was twenty years ago when it didn’t cost much to keep them. Even Vets fees were not too bad then.

Now they charge £180 an hour! Not that anyone needs an hour but it’s still £30 for ten minutes and then there’s medication and VAT on top of that.

The lady next door, who keeps chickens, was telling me about her friend in Beaconsfield who took one of her chickens to the local Vet.  He examined it, looked at her, and shook his head.  “I’m very sorry but your chicken is dead.”

The lady was very upset. “Are you sure?  It might just be in a coma.  

Can I have a second opinion?”

The Vet sighed. “Very well.” And then went next door, returning with a Labrador dog, which sniffed at the chicken, then looked up with big sad eyes and shook its head.  

Then the Vet brought in a Ginger Tomcat and placed it on the table.  

The cat sniffed the chicken, then meowed mournfully and jumped off the table.

“As I told you, I’m afraid your chicken really has passed away (and ceased to lay).” 

Then he went onto the computer, punched out a few keys and produced a bill of £89.   Her friend was astonished: “How much?  £89 just to tell me that my chicken is dead?  How do you justify that?”

The Vet pushed his glasses further up his nose.  

“I’m very sorry but if you’d just taken my word for it would have been free…

..but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan”… 

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For years and years I have tried and tried to grow catnip in the garden.

I buy a plant from the garden centre (£1.25), plant it out and within hours it is chewed to death! Next I tried growing it in a pot up on the greenhouse staging. Within two hours if was on the ground - also chewed to death!

My last attempt was to grow it in a hanging basket. 

This worked - except that I forgot to water it and it dried out and died!

I have noticed that on visiting Nat. Trust gardens, they grow rows and rows of it all along the path edges. They obviously don’t have cats?

Or perhaps it’s a different variety?

What does the interweb tell us -

Catnip is often also called catmint by some gardeners, especially those in Britain. For many, the two terms are interchangeable. However, the species of catnip that most pet owners give their cats is the species Nepeta cataria. Catmint is often the common name for the species Nepeta mussinni. Although both species belong to the same family, they have slightly different characteristics. Catmint is a shorter plant, one that grows more closely to the ground, and has less of the active properties in its leaves that stimulates our pet cats.

I have tried growing it with wire protection but -

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Must be time for another joke -

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.“ 

The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” 

God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. 

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. 

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.“ 

God answered, “It is done.“ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?“ 

The cat replied, “Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals-on-Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!“

Of course you all know that a cat who has eaten a duck is a….

…….duck-filled fatty puss!

Sorry, I just thought I’d slip that one in.

I don’t have a picture of my four cats all together, but I do have one taken about ten years ago with three in the picture. 

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My Tribe

It was always the same - you put down a bit of old carpet to kneel on, go back to the shed for a trowel and bucket and when you get back there is no room for you.

I called them my tribe, but the collective name for cats is "Clowder".

It is an old word for "clutter," an apt name for a gathering of cats that has, perhaps, overrun a farm in response to a plague of mice or rats.

A group of kittens or young cats had a special name: they were called a "kyndyll," or "kindle," of kittens. This is based on the old definition of the verb "to kindle," which described it as "bringing forth" or "giving birth to young." So a kyndyll of cats was simply a group of felines that had, not so long ago, been brought into the world.

There - now you know.

This last week I finished digging up the last of my leeks. They were supposed to have been ‘pulled’ by the end of March but the ground has been so hard. I managed to sow this seasons leeks in boxes in the greenhouse. I shall prick them out later when it gets warmer.

It was a cold March night in England, and a little old pensioner was sitting in front of the small fire with her faithful old Ginger Tomcat on her lap.

Suddenly there was flash, a bang and in a cloud of smoke a Fairy appeared out of the fire.

“Little old lady,” she said, “During the last year you have been good and kind to all the poor stray cats in the neighbourhood and I am going to grant you three wishes. What would you like?”

When she had recovered from the shock the little old lady said, “Firstly, I would like to receive double my meagre pension and live in a nice warm house for the rest of my life.”  

The fairy waved her wand and the room was transformed into a cosy drawing room and on the table were bags of gold.

“Next wish, please” she said.

“Please make me young and beautiful,” said the little old lady, and she was immediately turned into a glamorous young woman. 

“For my third wish, will you please turn my dear faithful Tomcat into a handsome young man?”

Immediately, standing before her was a fine Ginger haired specimen of manhood. They gazed into each others eyes and after a while, the young man stepped forward, took the lady’s hand, and kissed it saying - 

“Aren’t you sorry now that you took me to the vet?”

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"Where's my Reduced Salmon Fillets?"

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Wesley was seventeen this last February.

I couldn’t do a post because the computer was out of action for six weeks, but I was trying to work out his age in ‘man-years’.

I’m told I have allow 15 man-years for the first year of your cat's life.

Add nine years for the second year, so a two-year old cat will approximate 24 human years. 

Add four human years each for successive years of his life.

So that’s 15 + 9 + (15x4) = 84

Gosh! He’s even older than me!

And he’ll get a free TV licence next year!

Which reminds me. 

Did you read about the little old lady who went down to the DHSS in High Wycombe the other morning, to ‘sign-on’ her cat?

The clerk behind the counter said, “Madam, cats are not eligible to draw benefit". 

She explained to him that her cat was unemployed, idle, couldn’t speak English and had no clue who his father was.

He looked in his big ‘Book of Entitlements’ to see what it takes to qualify.

Tiddles gets his first payment next Friday!

Ha,ha! The original was worse than that but I though I had better tidy it up a bit.

What happened when the cat swallowed a new £1 coin?

There was now some money in the kitty!

Sorry (again) to slip that in - my four year old niece told me that.

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So my friends, there you go - a Cat Post.

I like cats. I find them very intelligent. Far more intelligent that dogs.

After all, you wouldn't find six cats trying to pull a sledge in the snow! 

Well my joke book is almost empty but - 

- talking of smart cats - and, if you insist -

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Civil Servant.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat. "T-square, do your stuff," he said

T-square pranced over to the desk, she took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and she returned with a dozen biscuits. She  divided them into 4 equal piles of three. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, she walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a one pint glass from the cupboard and she poured out exactly half a pint without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Civil Servant and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Civil Servant called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet. He ate all the biscuits, drank the milk, and pooped all over the drawings.

Then he got very amorous with the other three lady cats...

Claimed he injured his back while doing it...

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

Put in for compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

And that's why everybody wants to be a Civil Servant! 

And…..finally …..to finish….

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Ode for a Seventeen year old Wesley.

He blinks upon the hearth-rug

And yawns in deep content,

Accepting all the comforts

That Uncle Bern. has sent.

Louder he purrs and louder

In one glad hymn of praise

For all the night’s adventures,

For quiet restful days.

Life will go on for ever

With all that Wes can wish -

Warmth and the glad procession

Of Felix, meat and fish.

Only one thought disturbs him

He’s noticed once or twice,

That times are somehow breeding

A nimbler race of mice! 

(Thanks to Alexander Gray for the original.)

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Take care - have a Purrrrfect day.

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Scratching Around for a Subject

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I once knew someone who really ‘got the ‘ump‘ if ever you said 

“Long time - no see“.

I don‘t know why it upset her; but it did.

However, it is true that not many of you have seen Unc B around for quite a while. 

Not a bad thing necessarily, as ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, as my Granny used to say  if us lads hadn’t been round to see her for a while.  

But my being away is a long tale and it is best kept short I think, but basically, I have been plagued with computer problems. 

Not little problems, not Mega problems, but Giga problems.

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As I have a huge backlog of jokes - let’s have a laugh to start things going again.

A waiter, whilst waiting for a lady to order, started scratching his bottom.

“Excuse me asking,” said the lady diner, “but have you got haemorrhoid's?”

“No, madam, I’m sorry” replied the waiter.

“Only what’s on the menu.”

Actually, I’ve been itching quite a bit lately.

Not a medical sort of itch and definitely not a seven year itch!

I’ve been ‘itching’ to get back on-line and write a blog or two. 

I actually have four blogs hidden away somewhere (over on the right side) 

that all need updating badly. 

(Woops! I mean - badly need updating - although, on second thoughts!)

This last week my machine has almost been back to normal - 

- well, the way it was just before Christmas 2012.

Since then, I have had TWO new hard drives fitted in two months - 

- not at the same time of course - but one after the other.

The second one failed after two weeks of me struggling to ’recovery’ data and ‘re-install‘  software after the first crash.

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The chap a the ‘help desk’ did his best to help me, but in the end,
I resorted to doing it myself yet again. 

So, I am now an expert at setting up computers from their ’factory condition’,
which is the way they return them to you, after repair. 

Mine was returned as it was in November 2007.

I was without a computer for two weeks the first time the hard-drive failed - so when it went ‘belly-up’ the second time, instead of taking to drink and large quantities of  ’comfort food’ (faggots & white pudding) , I consoled myself, by going up to John Lewis’s and buying a brand new snazzy lap-top. 

This also took time as the one I wanted was out of stock. Another weeks wait.

So I now I had a third go at setting up a PC and loading all my programs and data. 

This time it was not quite so simple, as the new beastie came with Windows 8 (?). 

The previous five years of typing, blogging and file saving, had all been done under Vista. (yuk).  

It is only at times like this when you realise just how many different file types there are! 

( .txt, .doc, .wks, wpt, .wps, .xlr, etc….etc) - and how incompatible they can be.

However, I managed eventually and got it up and running. 

Wesley liked it too and had a go at computer dating.

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He also decided that the laptop case was a great new place to curl up on. 

He actually knocked it down off those steps - luckily there was no laptop inside.

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So, now having got all my piccies, text and joke books resurrected I’ve been ’scratching’ around for something to blog about - excluding the weather!  

And as we were on the subject of  itching,
just look what the Brussels sprouts (eu) have dreamt up now.
This is unbelievable!

My friend Barbara bought me a smashing jumper-cum-shirt for Christmas.

Now I just love these woollies with their little bit of shirt collar sewn into the V neck.

 Why?

No ironing of shirts of course!

I though it was really great, so off I went to Marks to buy another one in a different colour.

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Marks Shop Assistant: "Can I be of any help madam?"

Lady Customer: "Yes, thank you. I’d like to try on that white blouse in the window."

Marks Shop assistant: "I’m very sorry madam, but you will have to try it on in the fitting room like everyone else."

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I was really pleased with these two jumpers but, there was however, 

one small drawback – they were itchy.

Very itchy, down on one side, at the waist.

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Just look at this lot. 

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It’s a new Brussels sprout Directive that says - washing instructions have to be in 27 different languages! Not sure about the 27. I didn’t count them, but they were a ‘right pain’ in the…..side.

I bet Cameroon never has this problem? 

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No. Thought not.

Of course I also cut all mine off, but now - I am left without the English instructions, and I’m still left with that little tickley stub. Looks as if it will have to be carefully unpicked.

Don’t you just love all this ‘regulation’?

UPDATE -

Digging into this, the Directive states that the Washing Instructions,

must be in the language of the country in which the item is sold,

Expecting manufacturers, usually in China these days,

to know where items are going to be sold is really daft.

So to get round it they just sew in all 27.

Now here’s a washing label to get few people upset?

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I had better not take sides in this debate.

And…..whilst on the subject of washing and ironing - 

a few verses from my Book of Ditties.

Yon canny Highland crofters keep 

A flock of crease-resistant sheep. 

They weave wee woollen shirts and slacks

And flog 'em to the Sassenachs. 

Wool keeps its shape, it's bound to please,

(Ye nae seen sheep wi' baggy knees) 

Woollen shirts and slacks eh?

I bet they’re itchy.

But not as itchy as this next ‘Winter Warmer’.

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King Arthur's knights sat sullen-eyed 

'What ails you all?' the monarch cried. 

Quoth one: "Tis this round table sire, 

"The lads out here can't feel the fire.' 

Quoth Guinevere: 'Poor faithful knights, 

I'll knit you all a pair of tights.' 

Looks as if a certain young Prince, 

may also be having trouble with itchy labels?

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There was a young Prince from Montrose

Who had pockets in none of his clothes.

When asked by his lass

Where he carried his brass

He said "Darling, I pay through the nose!"

- + - 

Hope you are all keeping warm and well.

I’m just off to join Wes for a Good Scratch.

It’s quite divine to ‘Wine and Dine’,

..….and laugh ‘til you’re in stitches ;

But there’s no pleasure so rare,

….that can compare,

…….with scratching where it itches!

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Water, water, everywhere.

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My previous post showed quite a bit of shallow flooding around Bourne End over the Festive season and I was wondering, how things were at Marlow, further upstream, and at Cookham in the other direction. 

There are weirs at both locations holding the water back if necessary, but on closer investigation both were fully open allowing everything through. This means that flooding usually takes place below the weir, as any rise in level upstream, simply flows over it. 

The river was 'up' however at Marlow Bridge and was just starting to flood the park. Below the lock it was a totally different matter. 

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The River is normally 12ft. lower here.

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The Thames path and meadows here are normally a good 12 ft. above water level, and were now probably a couple of feet under-water. As the river widens out along the Winter Hill and Bourne End reach, the fields and Cock Marsh, flood (see the previous post) and so that near Cookham the level is back down again.

Alongside Cookham bridge some builders appear to trying to put up some ‘Luxury apartments’.

And they talk about ‘building on a flood plain! 

Just imagine trying to get house insurance here?

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Building on a flood plain.

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I stood on Cookham Bridge looking down to the islands and thought,
I’ll try and get on them and take some pictures.
Towards the end of the video you can see that the water level on either side of Cookham weir is almost the same. 

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Same level on either side of the weir!

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The island that I went to is slap bang in the centre 

(where the wee post is) on the next picture.

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Weirs to the left - weirs to the right.

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I stood right on the end of the island and for a bit of fun, took pictures looking back towards the bridge. 

I thought of playing ‘Bridge over Troubled Water’ but I couldn’t find the music, and besides - the river wasn’t really the cause of much ‘trouble‘ here.
I’m pleased to say that I haven’t heard of any homes flooded near here.

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Hope it stops Raining.

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Thought you might like to see

around Bourne End today?

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Thames Path at Spade Oak ferry

Not much dry land - Spade Oak

Don't think I'll walk to Marlow today.

Don't think I'll walk to Bourne End either!

No chance of a Picnic here - Bourne End Marina.

However, the Postman carried on.

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Hope you're all warm and dry?

Hope it stays dry.

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Clarinet Polka

I have just put up a blog on Monkey organ  where I posted up a video of  'yours truly' playing the Clarinet Polka on my organ at Cookham Regatta.

Yesterday, Jan left a comment saying - 

"You could be the online Lawrence Welk!"

Well, as I had no idea who Lawrence Welk was, I had to scan YouTube to find out and came up with two versions of the Clarinet Polka, one from 1955 and the other from 1957.

This is played a little faster than my version, but great all the same.

And this version is played on the Tuba, would you believe?

A sort of duet for - Two Cats.

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Just up the road from here,

a little to the East of me,

can be found the

'West London Amateur Dramatics Group'.

Now I, can't sing or act, 

but I do admire those who can

and 'get up and have a go'.

Like these two!

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There are loads more on their YT Channel.
Well worth a look.
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Real Mechanical Music

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Being a wee bit bored over Christmas, and not being one for watching TV programs, I though I would poke around on YouTube and find some new sites.

It is like a huge never ending 'Piggy-back', linking from one site to the favourites on another. It turns up some amazing musical instruments. Here's just one I found.

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And now - an American Organ Rally

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So after the French way of doing things,

(the previous post),

this is a glimpse of the tone on the other side

of the Atlantic.

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I actually get quite a lot of my ideas for tunes

from these Wurlitzer organs.

My organ of 26 notes, of course,

never sounds as good as these.

This music is:-

"Georgy Girl" (Tom Springfield) played by a North Tonawanda Model 191 band organ converted to Wurlitzer 150 rolls.

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French Organ Festival

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I thought you may like to see how things are done over in France.

They seem very keen on singing along with their music.

Wouldn't suit me, I can't sing for 'Love nor Money'.

This is just a selection of short clips

from the August 2011 Festival.

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Using Vista Movie Maker.

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Using Vista Movie Maker.

I had many, many goes at this and wasted quite a few hours. Well, maybe not wasted for you can always learn by your mistakes. The first thing I would advise is - “be prepared“. Create a new folder, something like ‘My videos‘ to work from.

I find it easier to work from a single point, rather than searching all over the place for various pictures and MP3 tracks later.

It pays to get it right.

You see once you have published a movie you can’t edit it.

If you keep a copy as a ‘project’ before you publish, you can go back and change thing there, but not after ‘publishing’.

To start with I would suggest a slideshow with no sound.

It is a good practice for later, so, choose, say 36 pictures and take copies and put them in your new folder. I then re-size my pictures. You don’t have to,

but it is much quicker when you come to create the movie and upload it to blogger or YouTube.

Make your pictures about 600/650pix wide and if you can, preferably in landscape.

Portrait mode works but you get black lines down each side.

When I have re-sized them, I then rename them AA, BA, CA etc. through to ZZ in the order that you want them to play. The reason being, if you change your mind you can then rename, say, picture GG to become AD, which will then be sorted between AA and BA. Once they are in your preferred order,

play a Windows Slideshow to get an idea of the finished thing.

These example screen pictures below are not photos of my screen, because the flash always goes off when I try to take pictures. They are scans from my “How to use Vista” book.

Now let us open ‘Windows Movie Maker’ from your ‘all programs’ menu.

It should (if you are using Vista) look similar to this, but without the sample pictures:-

(Click to enlarge)

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Sorry it’s a bit wonky.

There are six movie clips shown here in the 'contents pane',

which will be replaced by your 36 (still) jpg files when you load them.

This next picture below shows the upper left hand side of the screen

and you will see on the left, a list of ‘Tasks’.

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The first group is ‘Import’ and the third item is ‘Pictures’. (red blob)

After selecting this, you will go to your new (picture) folder and select all of them to import. They should all appear - in alphabetical order - in that central section where the six examples are.

Now down in the bottom left of the screen you will find the ‘storyboard’ similar to below (but empty of pictures).

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The idea is to click/drag your pictures, in order, down to these boxes one at a time. This ‘storyboard’ just keeps going as you fill up the boxes. I expect there is a limit but I have never got that far. When you have all 36 in place it is now possible to play your slideshow by clicking the ‘play symbol’ under the ‘preview monitor, (upper right) or the one at the left of the ‘storyboard’ line. There is a rewind symbol here also.

That is all there is to it!

The next thing to try is ‘transitions’. The second group of tasks on the left - third down. This comes up with a screen (and more) full of transition effects, like fade, dissolve, page curl etc. You have to click/drag these effects to the small boxes between your pictures on the storyboard.

You can do this 35 times for your 36 pictures if you like. You can leave them out and the pictures will change without any transition.

All the time you do this you can see what is happening in the monitor and you can rewind and replay as many times as you like. If you don’t like the transition, you can drag down a replacement to overwrite it or (right click mouse and select ‘remove‘).

Now to headers and footers.

I think they call them ‘Titles and Credits’.

I have only tried - ‘Title at the beginning’ and ‘Credits at the end’.

I don’t (yet) know what the others do.

After you have entered your text and clicked ’Add title’ it will appear at the start of the ‘storyboard ‘ and can be played through the monitor. It is also possible to edit the colour of the background, the text font or style and also if you prefer rolling credits/ fading titles and all sorts of fancy things. I tend to run with what is offered first, rather than change too many things at my first attempt.

When you have done credits at the end, that should be it. You can now save this as a project if you want to come back to it again, or/and you can now go ahead and ‘Publish Movie’. I save mine to my PC first, rather than publish it to other places.

That will give you a silent slideshow.

Adding sound and getting it to fit and synchronise is a wee bit more complicated and I will do that bit in an 'update' to this post,

when I get a spare minute or two.

These next two pictures are waiting for my text.

Shan't be long.

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